Mia: Shaken Not Stirred
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Thursday, July 31, 2008LL Cool J
Bumping into celebrities is a fairly common thing here in New York, occasionally though you do get star struck. Ever since I was a little Mia I’ve been a fan of the rapper LL Cool J. Jackie’s cousin spotted him sitting across from her in the airport the other day and snapped a picture with her camera phone. Naturally Jackie forwarded it to me. This was my response to her…
Note: for the purpose of this post I inserted phony numbers.
------ SMS Text ------
To: + 1 (555) 555-5555
Sent: Jul 30, 2008 2:42 PM
Subject: Tell her to write this down on a...
Tell her to write this down on a piece of paper and slowly slide it in the book.....
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
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Tuesday, July 29, 2008Absent Mindness Is A Sign Of Genius
“Is it middle child?” the Barnes & Noble sales clerk asked. We’d been at it for several minutes. I couldn’t remember the title or the author of the book I wanted. Well actually I did remember that it had the word middle in the title. Score one for me, yea Mia.
I’ve always been absent minded. So much so that before I leave the house my mother recites a check list for me,still I always manage to forget something. “No.” I replied,"that's not ringing a bell." I looked up at the ceiling for some reason that always seems to help me think as if the answer it’s going to float down from the heavens and my narrowed eyes will allow me to see it better. “Hmmm middle of the road, middle ground, middletown, middle ages, middle lyrics, middle me this middle me that…” I said as I drummed my freshly manicured nails along my forehead. The clerk laughed.My mind wandered.Hmm I’m glad I cut my nails down they were getting too long. This polish the manicurist chose for me is nice. What did she say the color was again? Nude.
“Middlesex!” I shouted out startling the clerk. “Middlesex?” “You heard me sister. Middlesex, I think.” She laughed again and checked the computer "Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides" Is that the one?” “I can’t know for sure unless I see the book but it’s looking good.” She left and returned quickly with the book. “Yup that's the one!” She opened the book and glanced the liner notes. “Oh this looks good I’m getting it too.” We set the book aside and continued our discussion about recently read books and my attention was drawn to a stack of books near the counter. ooh hello what's this? The cover looks nice . I held up the book, Stephanie Meyer’s “Twilight” “That book is fantastic, I read it in two days. They’re making it into a movie. You’ve gotta get it." I looked over the cover again, opened the book and ran my fingers over the pages. I was sorely tempted but I didn't want to go over my budget. “Mia, It’s on sale.” she whispered in sweet temptation. I shivered. I deal with temptation by yielding to it “I’ll take it.”
I left the store with a little extra bounce in my step swinging the B&N bag over my shoulder.It hit me later on the way home while I star gazed out the bus window. Naturally I had forgotten to buy the one book that I’d been wanting for weeks, Certain Girls by Jennifer Weiner
Damn this absent mindness of mine. Maybe I should invest in..what’s it called again the herbal thingy for memory loss? Geko...no wait that’s a lizard...geico..no that’s insurance.What is it again? Rocky Balboa! Hell no! That’s a boxer. Focus female…Ginko Bilboa! Yeah that’s it…I think. Absent mindness is a sign of genius my mom the woman with a 160 IQ is fond of telling me. Yeah sure mom if that were true I wouldn’t have failed college math…three times.
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Sunday, July 27, 2008Mea Culpa
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Friday, July 25, 2008“Please Don’t Vote For A Democrat" WTF people WTF?!
I’m mad as hell in fact I am so mad I’m spitting steel nails…pattoo…pattoo… pick those up and save them for later you never know when FEMA is going to mess up and we’ll have to build us an ark or something to save our asses next time a national disaster strikes
When it comes to my politics I tend to be on the liberal side I defend the first amendment no matter how idiotic or twisted the point of view may be because in the end I’m defending my freedom of speech as well and that includes the right to ridicule the idiotic and twisted.
However nothing not even the two cups of coffee I had early this morning prepared me for this… some self-proclaimed patriotic man of God you know the sad thing is it’s always the jerks of the world that claim to be down with the G-O-D has paid for an anti-democrat billboard in Florida.The fact that it’s an anti-democrat message doesn’t bother me. Come on this is an election year after all and there’s been more crap flung around by both major parties than what those crazy chimps fling around at the Bronx zoo. What really irks me is that Mike Meehan the businessman that paid for the billboard is using 9.11 as a backdrop for his message. The billboard shows an American flag with a photo of the burning twin towers superimposed over it and the message reads “Please Don’t Vote For A Democrat" WTF people WTF?!
The company that owns the billboard,Beech Outdoor Advertising,sees the situation as a first amendment issue and for that reason didn’t censor the ad. The company said that the billboard will stay up until after the presidential election in November. Ultimately they are right it is an issue of free speech. However I do take issue with Mike Meehan because there was no need to make 9.11 the focal point of his message. Where is his sense of decency? Holy monkey! Man if you don’t want democrats in the white house feel free to campaign against them but don’t use the attack on my city as a basis for your message’s implication.
Hello Mike Meehan let’s take a walk down memory lane shall we? The attack on 9.11 happened under a right wing president, a right wing majority both in the senate and the house and to date has gone unpunished. To add insult to injury the same right wing government shut down the CIA unit dedicated to catching Bin Laden back in 2005. The Bush administration claims they have been unable to find him. I doubt they’ve been looking very hard seriously people how hard are it to find a 6ft 5 Arab? Well okay his actual height is subject to debate. People who actually know him insist he’s only 6ft tall.The fact that he surrounds himself with smaller Yemeni bodyguards makes him look taller than he actually is. Still I’ve been hanging around Arabs all my life and have yet to meet one 6ft or over so spotting Bin Laden in a crowd should be a no brainer. I’m pretty sure my short ass teetering on a pair of stiletto heels while drunk out of my mind would have found the behemoth already. Come on he’s got jacked up kidneys he can only go so far.But I digress this post is not about the so called hunt for Bin Laden this is about using 9.11 to further the republican cause and Mike Meehan's “career”.Oh yeah Mike is a musician with his own website that is advertised on the billboard he’s paying for.
If I could I would bitch slap him senseless on behalf of friends who lost family, of lost friends, and of my own lost family members. I’d bitch slap him silly and do a Lord of The Dance jig while doing it too. I’d bitch slap him because the pain of it all still lingers in my heart and this insensitive jack ass has the nerve to trivialize it with his billboard. Shame on you Mike Meehan I hope your little republican gets caught in your zipper next time you get dressed.
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Thursday, July 24, 2008Inglés sin Barreras
Despite the fact that we’re on the the national do not call list we still get at least three telemarketing calls per day and countless of calls from marketing/survey firms. However because we have a Spanish surname we’re now getting Spanish speaking telemarketers calling us as well.
While my dad has no patience with telemarketers my mom is the opposite, “no need to be rude they are only trying to make a living.” My mom worked briefly as a telemarketer after high school and has never gotten over the experience and it is for that reason that she is the one in charge of dealing with the telemarketers when they call our house. My mother was busy when the phone rang wanting to keep her hands free she hit the speaker button.
VOP: Hola puedo hablar con el señor William Suarez?
Mom: I’m sorry Mr. Suarez is not available at the moment would you care to leave a message?
the woman on the other side sighed.
VOP: Do ju espeekay espaneech?
From the sound of struggle in her voice and accent it was obvious that English was not the caller's native language.
Mom: Si, yo hablo español. How may I help you?
Mom: Perdon se me safo el ingles. ¿Cómo puedo asistirte? (I’m sorry my English slipped out. How may I help you?)
VOP: ¿Con quién hablo por favor?
Mom: Habla la señora Suárez. (Mrs. Suarez speaking)
VOP: Ah muy bien señora habla Inez. ¿Cómo estás Señora Suárez? ( Very well this is Inez. How are you Mrs. Suarez?)
Mom: Estoy muy bien Inez, encanta de la vida y usted? ( I am fine Inez, enchanted with life and you?)
VOP: Igual Señora Suárez. (the same Mrs. Suarez)
Mom: Bueno me allegro de oír eso Inez.Ahora cariño dirme por favor de que se trata esta llamada? (I’m happy to hear that Inez. Now sweetheart can you tell me what this call is about?)
Inez quickly launched into her scripted sales pitch. She was calling on behalf of Inglés Sin Barreras (English Without Barriers) a home learning course that’s been teaching Latinos and Hispanics (yes,there’s a difference we’ll discuss that at another time) how to speak American English since 1988.
My dad walked in on the tail end of the pitch and started laughing and said that Inez sounded like she needed to purchase the package for herself. My dad by the way barely speaks Spanish a result of his family assimulating a wee too much in the United States.Mom who is totally bilingual rolled her eyes at him and gave him the middle finger.
Mom: Inez do I sound like I need to learn English?
My mom shook her head and laughed she hadn’t realized she had spoken to Inez in English again…
Mom: Perdon (sorry) pero ven aquí Inez alcaso yo sueno como que necesitó apprender hablar el inglés?
Literally translated it means ven aquí means “come here” but in the context my mother was using it she meant “let’s be for real”. I now return you to the story in progress...
VOP: No señora Suárez no es el caso. Pero quizás alquien en su familia?(no that is not the case but perhaps someone in your family?)
Mom: No todos en nuestra familia hablan ingles.Pero gracias por su llamada Inez le deseo muchisama suerte. Que pase un buen dia. Adios Inez. (No, everyone in our family speaks English but thank you for your call Inez I wish you lots of luck.
VOP: De nada Señora Suárez le deseo igualmente. Hacido muy amable. Adios.( you’re welcome Mrs. Suarez I wish you the same. You’ve been very kind. Good-bye)
My dad continued to laugh as mom hung up the phone. “So babe do you want me to get you the Inglés Sin Barreras package?” “Shut up William so help me God if they call selling a Español Sin Barreras package I am so buying it for you.” She replied.
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Tuesday, July 22, 2008For The Biological Clock Watchers In My Life
The majority of the girls I grew up with either have kids and are married or are single moms. I am 25, single, and have no children. This fact has not escaped my great-grandmother, grandmother, or my boyfriend who for some reason seem to feel the need to keep track of my biological clock. Obviously the have not read -->the list<--- I wrote a couple of years back.
Every time someone he knows drops a kid or he spends time with his adorable niece and nephew my boyfriend gets all wistful on me. “I wonder what our kids will look like?” he always says. “We’ll find out when I’ve accomplished some of my goals and you’re done with school.” I reply “Why is Mia still in school, why hasn’t she settled down with that nice boy? She’s the oldest of the grand kids and nothing from her yet. When is she going to have a baby?” my paternal grandma and great-grandmother mother constantly ask my dad. They know better than to ask me because I’ll just reply with a smart ass remark. I can do that only because they’re in Florida and I’m in New York and those arthritic hands can only reach but so far to smack me.
I think I have found the perfect Christmas gift and a great solution for the biological clock watchers in my life and that is--->Reborn Babies<--- The dolls are made out in the UK and have a big following with collectors. Oh sure they’re kind of creepy looking but they are realistic and should satisfy their maternal and paternal urges until I am ready to add my own branch to the family tree.
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Sunday, July 20, 2008Ain’t that a bitch?
(Stained Glass Window at St. Jerome's Church Bronx NY)
The elevator stopped to pick up a passenger and my mother started scooting to the side to allow the blind man enough room to maneuver himself into the small elevator. As he made his way in he accidently clocked her with his cane. He quickly apologized when he heard mom hiss in pain.
When we reached the lobby the blind man got out first and after holding the elevator door open for mom he walked off in the opposite direction of the exit and into a wall. We looked back when we heard the thud of his body crashing into the wall. Mom was about to ask if he needed help when he muttered “Fucking shit! Ain’t that a bitch?” under his breath as he straightened himself out. “Good thing that lady didn’t see me.” My mom shook her head at me and placed a finger on her lips before pulling me out the door with her. Only when we were a safe distance away from the man did we both laugh. My father looked at us and we quickly explained what had happened.
“Both of you are so wrong" he said,"especially when you consider we just came from church.” I stared at my dad, “that’s nothing pa ma said ah fuck in church.” My dad arched his eyebrow at her only to get a sheepish smile in return. “Mia said shit right underneath one of the Stations of the Cross!” she countered. Yes it is true I did say shit in church but it was a natural reaction to banging my knee on one of the pews as I angled for a camera shot of a stained glass window.
My dad narrowed his eyes at me and wiped his hand over his face.“What am I going to do with the two of you? You know you’re going to straight to hell don’t you?” My mom and I looked at each other and once again in unison said,“Fucking shit! Ain’t that a bitch?”
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Friday, July 18, 2008Church Of The Blunted Mind
We were having dinner when a couple of my brother’s friends came over last night to pick him up for church and they looked rather zooted, high. My father the resident Roman Catholic glared at the young men and muttered something about the lack of respect in today’s youth and warned my brother about ever attempting to do such a thing. I believe the words will rip your heart out via your anus were used. I was amazed at the colorful images my dad’s warning conjured up and at the young men themselves they had balls that’s for sure, “They’re going to church like that?” I asked my brother as he excused himself from the table. My brother stared at them as he bent down to kiss my mom good-bye, “This should be an interesting mass.” He said. “You think?” I asked. “Paranoia is going to kick in big time.” I added speaking from experience.
Until recently I was known to indulge in the occasional blunt with friends. I’m a small person so depending on the quality of the smoke 2- 4 pulls pretty much gets me buzzed. My then boyfriend and I were chilling at his cousin's place it was my first visit to the apartment. When the blunt was passed my way for the fifth time I waved it away “four puffs is enough thank you” I said. As the rest of the crew continued to light up I walked around and took notice of my surroundings, really took notice. The apartment was as close as to being in church without actually having to set foot in Holy Name Church and face father O’ Connor. I suddenly felt the need for rosary beads.
There were crucifixes every where they even had glow in the dark ones in the hall leading to the bathroom! Let me tell you something in the event that Dracula’s brethren barreled into the apartment it was going to go down bad for the vamps. Throughout the apartment there were shelves filled with religious icons and statues of saints and the walls were filled with portraits of them as well. All they needed was a pew and a fountain with holy water by the front door to make it complete. this is what it must look like when God has a garage sale. I thought to myself.
After awhile I found my eyes drawn to a rather large statue of Jesus on the center shelf of the divider that separated the church of the blunted mind from the rest of the apartment. I nodded my head in greeting to the big guy Wassup Jesus how’s it going? The statue was a work of art. I was admiring the details in the Italian marble statue when I swore the statue moved. My eyes narrowed as I stared at the statue. Holy monkey. What the hell was in that blunt? Suddenly the statue spoke without moving its lips, “Mia?” Jesus is talking and he knows my name…whoa. “Mia?” Jesus said more urgently this time. yes my lord and savior ?
Drawing on my hazy recollection of Sunday school I remembered that every time one of the higher powers spoke to mortals it was never to reveal winning lotto numbers so naturally I grew suspicious. Jesus I’m just letting you know off the bat I’m willing to part with the bag of M&M’s I’ve got stashed in my messenger bag if need be just don't ask for the blood of a lamb or a goat. I'm not into animal scarifices. “Mia!” Jesus yelled Jesus Christ Jesus there’s no need to yell I can hear ya. The statue moved again. Sorry Jesus I didn’t mean to get snippy. “Mia we’re calling for pizza. What do you want on yours?” who is this “we” you and the apostles? Then another voice spoke a female “You want a beer with that too Mia?” My eyes darted to the Virgin Mary statue besides the Jesus statue and a confused look crossed my face Et tu Virgin Mary? Is this the second coming people keep talking about?” “Mia do you want a Heineken with that?” Jesus asked.
That’s when it hit me Jesus’ voice sounded familiar I looked away from the statue only to find my friend's and his girl's head sticking out from behind the room divider phone in hand staring at me. “So what do you want Mia?” I shook the cobwebs out of my brain and smiled at them “Uh no I don’t drink Heineken, mushroom and a Guinness stout please.” I said and quickly turned my attention back to the Jesus statue. I kept my eyes on him. He didn’t move for the rest of the night I know because I watched him all night long but I could’ve sworn I saw him blink a couple of times.
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Thursday, July 17, 2008Genius
My peeps and by my peeps I mean certain females from my generation are geniuses and by geniuses I mean idiots, total idiots. Genius female decided to have sex with her equally brilliant boyfriend at her job while on duty during the over night shift. In a flash of utter brilliance the two geniuses decided to film themselves doing the deed….they used the office surveillance camera…taped right over the surveillance video and then forgot about it and left the video in the camera. I told you they were geniuses.
As fate would have it a pipe in the ceiling busted a few days later flooding the entire facility and damaging customer’s property. Corporate all men by the way decided that they wanted to view the surveillance tape for insurance purposes in front of some suits and insurance agents also all men. You may now gasp.
--It’s not funny!
-Au Contraire Mon Chéri I beg to differ that crap is hysterical!
-Female stop the violence. Come on you know if it had been anyone else you would be dying right now, true yes?
--You’re so stupid.
-Could be but at least a conference room full of men did not just spend the morning watching my hoo-hah on a humongous TV screen.
-Look stop beating yourself up over it. It can’t be undone so instead of making yourself crazy find the humor in it and laugh.
-From what I heard no one outside of corporate knows it was you.
--What you mean?
-Okay well the news about the video tape is making the rounds but the head honchos are not revealing who the female was so unless you tell anyone about it no one will know it was you. As for future employment I’m pretty sure they won’t reveal the reason you were fired. They have an image to protect and it wouldn’t look too good on them for clients to find out that instead of taking care of business the employees were taking care of business and videotaping over security tapes.
-At least you went out with a bang, pun intended.
--God you’re so twisted!
-That goes without saying 3 kinds of twisted last I counted and yet none of them involve me doing the humpty on video. Imagine that.
--I’m going to be sick.
-I promise you will get over this. Look at what it did for Paris Hilton.
-See that’s a start.
--Oh God I just had a thought; they didn’t give me the tape back.
--No! Lord knows how many copies were made of that tape and passed around. Oh my God.
-If I were you I’d check you tube every day.
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Wednesday, July 16, 2008Bros Before Hoes
I caught her in a lie and brought it to her attention the more she tried to cover that one lie up the more were revealed. I was heated I hate being lied to. I was hurt …I hate being lied to. It wasn’t a big lie in the grand scheme of things no empires were toppled, no one got an eye poked out, and nations didn’t go to war over it. But none the less it was a lie…my best friend lied to me….just in case I didn’t mention this. I hate being lied to.
I was sulking about it yes I have my moments of sulkiness.
--Get over it
I looked up to find my mother staring at me and shaking her head. I felt a lecture coming on.
-what you mean get over it ma? She lied to me, she never lies to me!
--of course she lied to you. I don’t blame her. She looks up to you and you hate her controlling boyfriend. How is she going to tell you that she cancelled her plans with you because he doesn’t want her hanging out without him being present?
I sucked my teeth.
-she could’ve just told me that.
--No she couldn’t.
--Nuh uh,it would have just added fuel to the fire Mia. She wants you to like him Mia.
-Bros before hoes ma that’s all I’m saying. Bros. Before. Hoes. Swear to God I’m getting that shit tattooed on my forearm. Bros before hoes.
She took a deep breath…oh yeah the lecture had arrived and from the look on her face she wasn’t too happy about it and not to be disrepectful or anything but neither was I.
-- Stop measuring her by your standards she is not you.Stop judging her.
-I’m not judging her.
--Mia have you ever been lonely?
-I’ve been lonely.
She arched her eyebrow at me and shook her head.
-Being alone and being lonely are two different things Mia. Anytime you have been alone it’s been your choice, you’ve ended the relationship. Yeah you’ve been alone, sure you’ve taken sabbaticals here and there from dating but you were never really alone. Because each time you took one of your breaks there were at least two or three guys sniffing around you lighting candles at a sacrificial altar somewhere in the hopes that you’d re-enter the dating world and go out with them.
-That’s not true.
--Girl let’s not do this. Let’s put modesty to the side and speak frankly. You’re a very lucky woman. Men are attracted to you; shit women are attracted to you. You have never ever lacked for attention. People are drawn to you; you’re like the cool kid at the lunch table back in high school. Not everyone is that lucky. You shouldn’t be embarrassed by it.
I rolled my eyes at her.
-- Fine you may not think that there’s something special about you but there is.
--Ma nothing. I have to say this no matter how much it embarrasses you in order to get the next point I’m going to make across. Right now despite the fact that you have a boyfriend who wants to marry you there’s a certain man in Brooklyn that worships the ground you walk on. That man would cut off his arm to be with you. You know this and I know this. There’s the two professional divers…the fireman…the cop… and the Uni kid and that’s this year alone. I’m not even going to go into the past.
-Fine ma. I get it I’m lucky.
--I want you to think about what I’m going to ask you carefully Mia answer truthfully. Have you ever been lonely Mia so lonely your heart aches, so lonely you’ve lost hope that you will ever find someone to love you?
--Exactly but your friend has. Have you ever had to play the role of Goddess on your knees in order to get a man to notice you or take your number?
--Goddess on your knees.
I thought about what she was saying for a second the visual flooding my thoughts. I got what she was saying.
-Holy monkey lady where do you get this crap from?
She waved her hand dismissively at me.
--Answer the question Mia have you ever had to play the goddess on your knees role in order to keep a man’s attention?
--Your friend has. What happens to her once she gets off her knees Mia after the men get what they want?
--and what happens to her?
-she acts like it’s all good.
-No it’s a front she puts on. I know she hurts.
-Now let’s move on to this guy. He is sticking around; he is the first guy to stick around after she’s risen from her knees so of course she’s crazy about him. Sure the guy is a jerk and you’re worried about her. But nena this is not your call, you’ve got to let her make her own mistakes the way I’ve allowed you to make yours. That way she’ll learn.
-But that’s just the thing ma she never learns! She hops from man to man never taking the time to learn nothing she keeps making the same mistakes over and over again.
--Loneliness is a cruel hearted bitch Mia and some people will do anything to keep her away from them.
-Ma if it was just her I wouldn’t give a fuck but the baby is involved in this. She’s actually trying to cut the baby’s real father out of the picture because of her boyfriend ma. I had to scream on her because of that. I don’t want the baby paying for her mistakes. I see enough of those kids at the clinic.
--I’m glad you spoke to her about that but in the end Mia it’s her kid. She’s going to do what she wants and yeah it’s messed up that the kid will pay for it but what can you do? It’s her life, she loves him.
-Ma she’s settling!
My mother laughed and shook her head at me.
--She’s not settling Mia. He is the one that’s settling.
-I don’t think so.
--Yeah he is. Right now as we speak he’s trying to change 101 things about her. If he really loved her he wouldn’t feel the need to change anything on her at all. Is she asking him to change anything about himself?
--Aha she thinks he’s perfect just as he is but obviously he doesn’t feel the same way about her. He is settling she is not what he wants in a woman but doesn’t want to be alone so he’ll take her and shape her into what he wants.
-She’s fine the way she is there’s nothing wrong with her. She’s pretty, she’s smart, generous, sweet, and she’s funny. She is perfect.
--To you she is Mia because you love her but honestly how many people take the time to know her like that? How many people look beyond her weight issues and take the time to see the wonderful person she is?
-That’s their loss.
--No Mia it’s her loss. Loneliness nena.
-So she’ll keep making the same mistakes over and over because of that and I’m supposed to stand by and act like it’s all good?
Just then I got a text message from my friend. She was apologizing for lying to me. She went on and on about how much I meant to her and she understood why I didn’t like the guy but to please give him a chance. I showed the message to my mother who arched her eyebrow at me in expectation of my answer.
-Fine. I surrender. Bro’s before hoes. You think I’m playing right? I am so going to get that tattooed on my wrist or something.
--Cabeza dura nargas blanditas.
--It’s a something my dad was always throwing my way about my stubbornness Mia. Hard head makes for a soft ass.
-Woman what is that supposed to mean?
--I have no idea but after giving you the goddess on her knees thing I felt like I should say something mommyish.
I just had to stop for a second and stare at her and laugh. The woman kills me each and every time.
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Monday, July 14, 2008But How Big Are Your Breasts?
Okay before I begin this story I need to mention for clarification purposes that I have average size breasts they are a little more than a handful but then again that depends on the size of the hand. Now onto the story….
A couple of nights ago as I was stepping out of the shower I got a call from a friend I hadn’t seen in several months. She was having dinner in my neighborhood and wanted me to meet up with her and her boyfriend. This would be the first time I was meeting her boyfriend and she had a feeling he and I would click. I quickly pulled my curls back into a ponytail threw on a pair of jeans, t-shirt, sneakers, and walked the short distance to the restaurant.
The restaurant is a mega popular one and is always packed. Despite the fact that they brought the property adjacent to them and expanded the place tables are hard to come by so a lot of the customers end up eating at the counter. I hate the counter because the counter stools are a little more than waist high to me and I look like kid climbing up and sitting up high on them my feet swinging a foot or more from the floor. As I hopped onto the stool her boyfriend looked at me and and asked “How tall are you 5ft?” I was about to reply when my friend answered for me, “Actually she’s 4ft 11 but with sneakers she’s 5ft.” I nodded my head in agreement and twisted my body on the stool to face him. He looked at me wiggled his eyebrows and said, “So you’re 4ft 11 but how big are your breasts?" I don’t know which of us was more stunned my friend or me. I felt my face flush red in embarrassment.
”Oh hell to the no!” “No he didn’t! Go get him Mia!” Ach! The guy had succeeded in awakening the wrath of The Supremes. The Supremes as I’ve mentioned in my blog before as what I call the voices in my head…CONSCIOUS, SUBCONSCIOUS, AND SUPERCONSCIOUS… , “Eh what did he just say?”
My hands at my side clenched into fists and I felt the venom gathering at the tip of my tongue. I glanced at my friend who looked flabbergasted and then I looked at his face and sniffed at the air there was no malevolence blowing in the breeze or in his eyes the guy was just trying to be funny. I swallowed my venom and decided to play along.
Glancing down at my breasts I slowly covered them with my hands and pouted and pretended to cry. “Thank you for reminding me how small my breasts are.” I whimpered making my lip quiver. “No, no I’m not looking, I didn’t look I’m just saying.” He protested as he rubbed the back of his neck and looked really uncomfortable. “I dated a girl who was 4 ft 11 and she had double f’s!” he offered. I slowly slid my arms over my chest to offer “the girls” more coverage and continued my little scene, “Well I’m not a… oh gawd!” I removed a hand from my boob and peeked at it. “I’m not a double nothing!” I whimpered and raised a hand to my face hiding my eyes behind it, “J-just give me minute, I’ll be fine.” I said turning my head away pretending to sob and wipe a tear away with my pinky.
I couldn’t keep it up anymore the look on his face was priceless I had to laugh. I placed my hands on the counter and leaned in “I had a friend like that in high school, Laurie, same height as me and she was like triple something halfway down the alphabet. We used to call her “coconuts.” I said in a conspirator’s whisper. He covered his eyes and laughed in relief. While his girlfriend was used to my antics he wasn’t, I’m sure he didn’t know what to make of me until I started laughing.
There ya go crisis averted! I informed The Supremes now stand down ladies!
As the evening went on we really hit it off. I realized he just had a typical frat boy sense of humor which I happened to love and get. We both impressed each other with our with the ability to keep up with each other and a few times ganged up on his girl only to back down and howl with laughter. My friend was beaming all night,”"See I knew you two would hit it off!" she said. At the end of the evening he leaned over to me ,"Keep in touch make sure you call her more often I’d love for us to hang out again.” I told him it was on her to keep in touch not me and as he walked backwards facing me he stage whispered, "I’m gonna make sure she calls you."
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Sunday, July 13, 2008My Mother's Play List
It was early morning and my mom was hooking up a set of giant block party sized speakers to the stereo system that already had five speakers attached to it.
My father stopped to watch what she was doing…
--Hey little one what are you doing?
-Getting ready to give Ralphie’s wife a heart attack. Could you please take the picture frames off of the wall honey?
My dad burst out laughing when he realized what my mom was up to.
--Baby, baby come on you can’t do this. He said as he began taking the frames and diplomas off the dining room wall.
She looked up at him innocently as could be and pointed to the table indicating where she wanted him to put the frames. I looked up from the newspaper and continued drinking my tea noticing my dad was trying really hard to keep himself from laughing again.
--Because I said so that’s why.
-Because you said so?
My mother snorted.
- You’re so cute when you’re trying to be all authoritative.
She turned her back on him and finished hooking the last of the speakers up.
--What about the rest of the neighbors did you think about that?
- I already talked to them about it and management thank you very much and everyone gave their approval. They were the ones that picked out the time for me to start even approved the play list.
-Don’t worry everything is cool. I so got this honey.
He stared at her for a second and she walked over to him and hugged him he started laughing again and kissed the top of her head.
- Okay so where do you want this monster speaker?
She pointed towards the door.
Our next door neighbor has recently become a born again Christian. Yeah verily more power unto her I say the only problem is that she has decided to express and share her new found love of the lord with us in the form of some of the corniest Christian music known to man every weekend for the past couple of months. Personally I could deal with it say it were Christian rock or gospel but when it’s stuff like Debbie Boone oh heck no. and when it’s stuff like Debbie Boone at 7 am in the crusty morning? Stop the madness. Now.
Despite the repeated requests from fellow tenants the happy Christian hasn’t been able to resist blasting her music. Since we live right next door to her and are the most affected my mom decided to take matters into her own hands. War had been declared and the Christian lady had no where near the record collection we have nor the kick ass stereo system. I almost felt sorry for her. Mom spent several weeks studying her enemy her musical likes and dislikes and developed a strategy of musical warfare that would do the CIA proud based on her observations. Mom dug way deep into her old record collection.
Once my father’s blessing had been secured and everything was in place mom opened the door and adjusted the volume on the stereo loud enough to be heard in the hallway but not so loud that it would cause the picture frames to bounce on walls. She was saving that for later. She lulled the Christian neighbor woman into a false sense of security starting her play list with old school basement party jams songs she knew the woman liked. Songs like “Hey Lonely Girl” then she kicked it up throwing followed by Santana’s Samba Pa Ti. When the opening strains of Echo & The Bunnymen’s “The Killing Moon” began she cranked up the volume and the walls began to vibrate. Several songs later the Christian lady ran out of her apartment and was greeted by the sight of my mother leaning leisurely against our door frame drinking her coffee swaying her body to the music and several neighbors in the hallway curiously staring at her door awaiting her emergence from her apartment like a bat out of hell. She didn’t fail to disappoint them.
The Christian lady was furious as she walked towards our apartment, her husband just stood at the door shaking his head back and forth. He’d warned his wife this was going to happen after all mom had told him of her plans but his wife had refused to listen to him. Mom waved at her.
--Maggie what the fuck are you doing?!
My mother purposely ignored her singing along with The New York Dolls.
-Hey Mia did I ever tell you that the New York Dolls use to rehearse at the Endicott on 81 street?
-Oh yeah right across the street from my house and since my aunt worked at the Endicott for like 30 years and I practically grew up there I had free run of the place so I used to go in and watch them rehearse all the time.
The Christian lady stood several inches away from my mother.
--Maggie what the fuck?
-Is that a nice way to greet your neighbor? Whatever happened to love your fellow man?
My mother shrugged her shoulders.
-Well I just figured since you’ve got the need to get up and make a joyful noise early in the morning at an ear shattering decibel I should follow your example. You play your music in worship of your god and I play mine in worship of mine. I figure we can do this every weekend. Deal?
--Who is your god Maggie Satan?
-Depends, can he play bass guitar and is he willing to let me sit in on drums?
--Fuck you Maggie
-I’ll pass I’ve never been into females. I thought that kind of stuff was a sin in your church?
The Christian lady glared at my mother and then at all the neighbors in the hall and slammed her door really hard. I’m certain the lady got the message because she hasn’t blasted her music since.
My mother’s playlist…
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Wednesday, July 09, 2008That's No Way To Win Friends and Influence People
I’d gone to the biker bar as a favor to Guay to keep her company while she got her wrist tattooed. Mike,the guy that does my tats owns the bar and on certain nights he inks from the apartment over the bar. Guay and I were on our way up the stairs to the apartment at the same time a group of guys were on their way down and we met half way. The stairs were really narrow so the leather clad bikers stepped aside to allow Guay and me space to continue up. I was at most two steps above the guys when someone reached up and cupped one of my cheeks giving it a healthy squeeze and slapped it.
I honestly wasn’t thinking blinded by rage and a stinging butt cheek I whirled around and jumped down onto the step below me and nailed the first guy I saw across the face with my forearm making him lose his balance and hit the wall with his back. “Oh shit!” one of his companions shouted and laughed “shorty decked you!” The guy stared at me in shock at first and then a slow smile crept over his face as he ran his hand over his nose. Guay fearing that the guy would hit me pulled at me from the step above and I shrugged out of her grip wanting to stay where I was. I figured if I was going to have to fight the spot I was standing in was just fine.
Instead of blowing a gasket the way I thought he would the guy shook his head and then apologized to me for his actions. He introduced himself as “Mike’s nephew” and asked my name as the blood started to trickle down his nose. I glared at him and without saying a word reached into the front pocket of my messenger bag and handed him my pack of Kleenix tissues. As he reached for them he smiled again and thanked me. Feeling a surge of adrenaline and wanting to get out of there before the guy decided he was supposed to be angry and retaliate I turned my back on him and jogged up the stairs. He asked my name again and I flipped him the bird over my shoulder, “I’m love!” he yelled at my back as I reached the top of the landing.
“Well that’s no way to win friends and influence people.” I muttered under my breath to Guay as I grabbed the stair case railing to the next flight of stairs. “That’s going to leave a mark.” Guay wisely surmised I wasn’t sure if she meant the smack to my butt or the forearm to his face.
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Tuesday, July 08, 2008It's Tearing Up My Heart
I literally popped up in my bed singing N’ Sync’s “Tearing Up My Heart at the top of my lungs. I have no idea what I was dreaming about but judging from what was coming out of my mouth at 7 am Sunday morning that song was part of the soundtrack.
Throughout the day I kept humming the song much to my boyfriend’s annoyance. He’s got issues with boy bands. At one point he even towered over me hoping to intimidate me into silence with his “Yuri Sonofabitchkovitch” stare (see photo above). Ha!I laugh in the face of danger! I fart in its' general direction!
Finally as the day slipped into evening the dam in my head burst and the flood of lyrics poured out of my mouth...
“It's tearing up my heart when I'm with you
But when we are apart, I feel it too….”
He jumped up and threw his hands up in the air... “No Mia no noooooo!” he begged. That just made it worse I started singing louder…
“ Baby I don't understand
Just why we can't be lovers …”
“Mia shut up!”
“Things are getting out of hand
Trying too much, but baby we can't win ….”
By this time my parents and my sister had started shouting out their encouragement. My BF just groaned putting his head in his hands. “Don’t encourage her!” My little sister started singing the chorus as she danced over to me…
“Baby don't misunderstand
What I'm trying to tell ya
In the corner of my mind
Baby, it feels like we are running out of time…”
My bf shook his head back and forth and covered his ears as if he were in pain. When my brother skidded into the room and started singing as well I thought Josh was going to have a coronary. I got up from my chair and stood next to my brother and sister and the three of us launched into N’ Sync’s signature choreography as I continued to sing with them backing me up…
“Let it go
If you want me girl, let me know
I am down on my knees
I can't take it anymore
Tearin' up my heart and soul
We're apart I feel it too
and no matter what I do, I feel the pain
With or without you …”
When we were done my parents broke out into wild applause as we took our bows. My bf sat as if in shock the poor guy didn’t know what to think. ”Mia don’t ever do that again please I beg you.” He finally said. “Keep messing with me big man and so help me God almighty I’ll start singing New Kids on the Block.” I shot back. “You wouldn’t dare!” he barked out. I threw my head back and to sing….
The right stuff
The right stuff
First time was a great time
Second time was a blast
Third time I fell in love
Now I hope it lasts
I can see it in your walk
Tell 'em when you talk
See it in everything you do
Even in your thoughts
You got the right stuff, baby
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Monday, July 07, 2008Reading A Book Is Like Making Love
We were people watching at an outdoor café and had just ordered a couple of mucho grande too expensive iced mocha somethings or other and some apple cinnamon muffins when Monica asked about a book I was reading. “Have you finished it yet?” she asked. “Na I’m taking my time with it.” I replied. She’d recently brought a book series and was tearing through them a book per day. As soon as she finished one book she’d start the next one in the series in a matter of minutes. Yet when I asked her about the characters she couldn’t seem to tell me anything substantial about them. I concluded that she wasn’t taking the time to really enjoy the books she was just binging.
“What’s the hurry” I said “you should take a day at least to read the next one give yourself time to absorb what you just read to think about it. Maybe even discuss it with someone who’s read it too.”
She looked at me like I was stupid for telling her this…
“Reading a book is like making love …the experience should be savored.”
“Your bugging Mia how is reading like fucking?"
I winced...God this female has so much to learn
“I didn’t say fucking. I said making love. There’s a difference you know. Boinking and making love are two totally different things. Boinking is like grabbing a burger at Mickey D’s as opposed to a home cooked meal when you’re hungry it takes care of the basic need but only on the surface. Like I said reading a book at least a good one anyway is like making love.
She arched her eyebrow at me as if thinking I’d lost my mind.
“Okay check it out….You’re attracted to the book by its' subject, the author, or maybe even the art work on the cover for whatever reason that book calls to you. You’re initially attracted to a man by his cover right?
“Okay so when you’re attracted to a guy what do you do? You check him out from all angles inside and out to see if he’s someone worth spending time with. You do the same with a book. You hold it in your hands caressing it, studying the front cover checking out the back pausing to read the synopsis, blurbs from other authors and reviewers about the book. All of it meant to draw you to the book to encourage you to take the book home with you. Just like a man’s flirting and courtship is done in hopes that you’re going to take him home with you eventually. You flip open the book glance at the type and size of font used in the book maybe if you’re like me and touch is very important so you rub your finger tips along the paper to feel the quality of the paper. You’re getting to know your book like you would a lover before taking him into your body."
The waitress arrived with our order hearing our conversation…she stepped back a bit from the table and looked at me as I continued…
“Were talking about books and how she thinks they’re like lovers.” Monica informed the waitress recapping our convo for her. I rolled my eyes at her and glanced at the waitress…"Seriously,they are.”
“How?” our friendly waitress asked. She looked around; it was still early the café wasn’t too busy she could take the time to listen to this besides she was the manager she said…
“The first few chapters are foreplay and as it goes on you really get into what you’re doing. You’re starting to lose yourself in the book, the outside world is forgotten all your attention is focused on what’s in front of you.You fly, you soar, your pulse accelerates, and your heart beats faster.It all depends on what’s in the book. You take your sweet time with it you don't want it too end to quickly. Then finally you finish the book, that’s your climax. The last thing you see before you close the book is the author’s picture and you smile….maybe you even stop and read the little blurb about him/her. That’s like the last the deep kiss you give your lover before collapsing after the love making is over ... a thank you for the orgasms, for the time spent worshipping your body.
After you close your book you lay it your lap and you just sit back and let the experience wash over you totally satisfied that the time was well spent and looking forward to it again. When you’re done making love you just don’t hop out of his bed and into someone else’s do you? Na man you lay back in the arms of your lover and revel in what just happened you may be a little sore a little tired but it’s all good and you feel peaceful. Reading a book for me anyway is the same way. I like to give it some time before I move onto another book because if the last book was any good it’s going to stay with me for a bit…just like a good love making session the memory and feelings still linger long after the act is done.”
I leaned over the straw sticking out of my mucho grande too expensive iced mocha something or other and took a sip. “Mmm this is really good. Anyway that’s the way it’s for me.” Monica looked at me and shook her head, “You are so odd!" she said as she reached out and slapped me on my arm.
I shrugged my shoulders and looked up and smiled at the waitress before breaking off a piece of my muffin and popping it into my mouth. She returned my smile and jerked her head towards the book store up the block, “I’m going to Barnes & Noble’s when my shift is over I am so in the mood to read now.”
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Sunday, July 06, 2008Three cheers for Mrs. Butterworth and Aunt Jemima
My friend Farris called me the other day from New Jersey. He’d just flown in from the UK for his sisters wedding and was catching a connecting flight to the mid-west. It was his first trip to the states and he had just seen the statue of liberty for the first time on his way to the airport. Even though he was really impressed by her something else had impressed him even more and he’d called me to share the experience. Let me tell you people the young man with the cockney accent was ecstatic.
-Mia I had pancakes!
-Yes! Oh my lord Mia they were delicious! You never told me about pancakes!
--Uh...Farris were these crack laced pancakes, why are you so hyper?
wait did he say he never had pancakes? What rock has this Brit been living under?
Then I remembered my Guyanese friend Nalini. She had been raised in the Bronx and had never tried food out side of her culture until she started coming over to my house. Her first reaction to pancakes had been just like Farris’s.
--You’ve never had a pancake?
-No! We went to a restaurant called iHop!
-- Congratulations. As far as restaurant pancakes are concerned iHop’s the sacred shrine for pancakes. I’m glad you enjoyed them so much. Sampled a few of the different syrups did you?
I laughed at the enthusiasm in his response the boy was obviously riding a sugar high. He was convinced that pancakes were manna from the Gods. Honestly who can blame him? There are days when the aroma of buttermilk pancakes wafting from my kitchen makes me feel the same way.
Three cheers for Mrs. Butterworth and Aunt Jemima two very lovely ladies indeed.
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Friday, July 04, 2008Proud To Be An American
America bashing it’s the new black. It’s the in thing to do. All the cool kids are doing it. Recently I was with a group of friends some of them immigrants other the children of immigrants and listened to them intently as they trashed America. I was amazed by the amount of garbage they spewed. I bit my tongue out of respect but even my legendary patience has limits. I focused my attention on the biggest trash talker of all.
--Let me ask you a question dude. If America is so vile why are you here? If your homeland is so superior to mine why aren’t you there? What I am saying is this if my country is not your thing then leave. End of story, no hard feelings.
Mr. Trash talker looked shocked by my questions and tone. I continued this time addressing the entire group. No one within the group could understand why I’d be offended.
-- what I find funny is that you guys talk crap about Americans and our culture we are expected to sit back and take it and not be offended. I’m not even talking politics I’m talking about everyday stuff. Yet heaven forbid we do that same .Oh my god the crap hits the fan then. You guys want to start yelling and screaming and hitting yourself with shoes and tearing up your clothes and issuing jihads on Aljazeera.
Needless to say they disagreed with my statement and felt I was being over sensitive and it was quickly forgotten. However as I watched them for the rest of the night I thought of a friend who was recently investigated and shadowed by the government police in her country because of a simple suggestion she made to her their leader in term about necessary changes that need to take place in their country. I recalled a cousin of a friend jailed by his government and ultimately disowned by his father as the result of his blog criticizing his government. The fact that my friends were able to sit out in our host’s backyard sipping on beer out in the open while trashing my country without any real fear of reprisal towards them or their family spoke volumes about this country.
It’s pretty easy to point out what is wrong with this country but it is my opinion that what is right about this country far out weighs what is wrong. Even though at times I don’t agree with what’s going on here my love for my country never waivers. I have faith in this country and its’ people. I am proud to be an American.
Happy Birthday America!
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Wednesday, July 02, 2008The Mighty Kaneosaurus
Four years ago “The Mighty Kaneosaurus” was being used as bait for training other pit bulls to fight when I came across him in Queens. His six month old body was a battlefield of scars and bite marks he even sported a stab wound near his abdomen. It took a lot of work before we were able to win the gentle giant over and earn his trust. Unfortunately we weren't able to resolve all of his issues. Especially the one revolving around his intense dislike of men and teenaged boys outside of our family. For safety reasons whenever any guy comes over to my house we put Kane in a room. He already knows the drill. All we have to say is “Go to bed Kane” and he heads to the room of his choosing. This morning he chose one of the bathrooms. He loves the cold marble floor during the summer I thought or maybe he was just plotting.
Sometime over the weekend my cable modem died a quiet death and Mr. Trevor Trebarker cable man extraordinaire came over this morning to fix my connection and replace my modem. What was so special about him you ask? He showed up on time that's what and actually knew what he was doing. 'Tis a pity he almost ended up the victim of Kane’s issues.
Mr. Trebarker had just finished installing the new modem and was standing in front of my mother’s desk about to test it. Mom was at the kitchen sink rinsing out a glass. She had just turned the tap off when she spotted Kane standing behind Mr. Trebarker. The man wasn't even aware Kane was behind him.
Kane's body tensed up and the hairs along his spine stood on end as he sniffed the cable guy's leg. Kane was rocking a doggie mohawk. The fact that he'd gotten out of the bathroom on his own perplexed both of us. The door had been firmly shut we had both checked it before letting Mr. Trebarker into our apartment. The fact that he’d manage to walk past the living room, past the dining room and into the study area without making a single solitary noise amazed us. The Mighty Kaneosaurus is not known for his stealthy manner.
Not wanting to panic the cable guy or startle Kane mom softly said, “Trevor do not move my dog is behind you." She called Kane to her but he refused to budge. His eyes were riveted on the man. “Hey there’s my good boy” she said using her baby talk voice. Kane can not resist baby talk it’s his kryptonite. While he didn’t move away from Mr. Trebarker he did jump up and down in the spot wagging his tail. He reminds me of a horse rearing back on its hind legs when he does that. “Aww is my good boy Kane happy to see me? Oh yes he is… what a good boy…how the hell did my good boy get out of the bathroom Mia?" mom continued talking in her baby talk voice this time addressing Mr. Trebarker who looked like he wanted to run, “Don’t even think about it Trevor. He gets excited when people run.” Mr. Trebarker turned his head to look at my mother. Kane growled. “Do not look at me or talk to me, keep your hands where they are other wise he will think you are a threat to me and attack you." She said as she slowly walked towards them.
When she reached Kane she patted his head. Kane immediately leaned into my mother rubbing his body against her legs without taking his eyes off of the cable guy. She rubbed his throat then slid her hand to the back of his neck petting him as she continued to talk to him. She slowly slid her fingers in between his neck and collar and began tugging him gently away from the man still chattering away at him. Then Mr. Trebarker moved and Kane tried to charge at him growling. “Kane!” my mother said in a stern voice as she yanked him back. She switched back to her baby voice and Kane’s body relaxed. “Trevor seriously what part of don’t move or he’ll attack didn’t you understand? PLEASE don’t move.” Kane continued to growl at the man, finally with some more coaxing he allowed mom to lead him into the master bedroom. His eyes were focused on Mr.Trebarker the entire time. The man was sweating despite the fact that we had the air conditioner on.
Once Kane was locked inside of her bedroom Mr. Trebarker breathed a sigh of relief. My mother apologized to him but the guy was spooked. Seriously who could blame him? He threw his stuff in his bag and hauled ass out of our apartment without even bothering to see if the modem was working.
Mom called dad at work and quickly explained to him what had happened and my father let out a loud laugh. “I knew eventually he’d get the hang of it. That’s my boy!” My mom switched on the speaker phone. Dad explained that he’d seen Kane several times over the week fit his mouth around the bedroom door knob twisting his head slightly and pulling at the same time trying to get the door opened. “And you didn’t think this was worth mentioning? Carajo, it's bad enough that I worry he’s going to give himself brain damage from ramming his head into the doors to open them from the outside now I have to worry about this too?” she asked. “He’s such a smart dog! Seriously babe how many dogs do you know that can open doors? ”
My mother sighed and looked at me “Do you hear this Mia? Do you hear what your farther is saying?” I shrugged my shoulders mildly “Well ma he does have a point. Come on he opened the door from the inside! That is so cool.” I said. She threw her hands in the air “Wonderful like father like daughter! Here I was worried that your dog would turn the cable guy into a lunchable and we’d end up a 10’0clock news story but instead of sharing my worry you praise your dog’s resourcefulness. That’s just wonderful. Maybe you two can teach him to fix cable modems because I doubt after today that guy is ever coming here again and this connection still isn’t working. ”
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