Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Bros Before Hoes


I caught her in a lie and brought it to her attention the more she tried to cover that one lie up the more were revealed. I was heated I hate being lied to. I was hurt …I hate being lied to. It wasn’t a big lie in the grand scheme of things no empires were toppled, no one got an eye poked out, and nations didn’t go to war over it. But none the less it was a lie…my best friend lied to me….just in case I didn’t mention this. I hate being lied to.

I was sulking about it yes I have my moments of sulkiness.


--Get over it

I looked up to find my mother staring at me and shaking her head. I felt a lecture coming on.

-what you mean get over it ma? She lied to me, she never lies to me!

--of course she lied to you. I don’t blame her. She looks up to you and you hate her controlling boyfriend. How is she going to tell you that she cancelled her plans with you because he doesn’t want her hanging out without him being present?

I sucked my teeth.

-she could’ve just told me that.

--No she couldn’t.

-Uh huh

--Nuh uh,it would have just added fuel to the fire Mia. She wants you to like him Mia.

-Bros before hoes ma that’s all I’m saying. Bros. Before. Hoes. Swear to God I’m getting that shit tattooed on my forearm. Bros before hoes.

She took a deep breath…oh yeah the lecture had arrived and from the look on her face she wasn’t too happy about it and not to be disrepectful or anything but neither was I.

-- Stop measuring her by your standards she is not you.Stop judging her.

-I’m not judging her.

--Mia have you ever been lonely?

-I’ve been lonely.

She arched her eyebrow at me and shook her head.

-Being alone and being lonely are two different things Mia. Anytime you have been alone it’s been your choice, you’ve ended the relationship. Yeah you’ve been alone, sure you’ve taken sabbaticals here and there from dating but you were never really alone. Because each time you took one of your breaks there were at least two or three guys sniffing around you lighting candles at a sacrificial altar somewhere in the hopes that you’d re-enter the dating world and go out with them.

-That’s not true.

--Girl let’s not do this. Let’s put modesty to the side and speak frankly. You’re a very lucky woman. Men are attracted to you; shit women are attracted to you. You have never ever lacked for attention. People are drawn to you; you’re like the cool kid at the lunch table back in high school. Not everyone is that lucky. You shouldn’t be embarrassed by it.

I rolled my eyes at her.

-- Fine you may not think that there’s something special about you but there is.

-Ma, please.

--Ma nothing. I have to say this no matter how much it embarrasses you in order to get the next point I’m going to make across. Right now despite the fact that you have a boyfriend who wants to marry you there’s a certain man in Brooklyn that worships the ground you walk on. That man would cut off his arm to be with you. You know this and I know this. There’s the two professional divers…the fireman…the cop… and the Uni kid and that’s this year alone. I’m not even going to go into the past.

-Fine ma. I get it I’m lucky.

--I want you to think about what I’m going to ask you carefully Mia answer truthfully. Have you ever been lonely Mia so lonely your heart aches, so lonely you’ve lost hope that you will ever find someone to love you?

-No

--Exactly but your friend has. Have you ever had to play the role of Goddess on your knees in order to get a man to notice you or take your number?

-a what?

--Goddess on your knees.

I thought about what she was saying for a second the visual flooding my thoughts. I got what she was saying.

-Holy monkey lady where do you get this crap from?

She waved her hand dismissively at me.

--Answer the question Mia have you ever had to play the goddess on your knees role in order to keep a man’s attention?

-Hell no

--Your friend has. What happens to her once she gets off her knees Mia after the men get what they want?

-They bounce.

--and what happens to her?

-she acts like it’s all good.

--is it?

-No it’s a front she puts on. I know she hurts.

-Now let’s move on to this guy. He is sticking around; he is the first guy to stick around after she’s risen from her knees so of course she’s crazy about him. Sure the guy is a jerk and you’re worried about her. But nena this is not your call, you’ve got to let her make her own mistakes the way I’ve allowed you to make yours. That way she’ll learn.

-But that’s just the thing ma she never learns! She hops from man to man never taking the time to learn nothing she keeps making the same mistakes over and over again.

--Loneliness is a cruel hearted bitch Mia and some people will do anything to keep her away from them.

-Ma if it was just her I wouldn’t give a fuck but the baby is involved in this. She’s actually trying to cut the baby’s real father out of the picture because of her boyfriend ma. I had to scream on her because of that. I don’t want the baby paying for her mistakes. I see enough of those kids at the clinic.

--I’m glad you spoke to her about that but in the end Mia it’s her kid. She’s going to do what she wants and yeah it’s messed up that the kid will pay for it but what can you do? It’s her life, she loves him.

-Ma she’s settling!

My mother laughed and shook her head at me.

--She’s not settling Mia. He is the one that’s settling.

-I don’t think so.

--Yeah he is. Right now as we speak he’s trying to change 101 things about her. If he really loved her he wouldn’t feel the need to change anything on her at all. Is she asking him to change anything about himself?

-No.

--Aha she thinks he’s perfect just as he is but obviously he doesn’t feel the same way about her. He is settling she is not what he wants in a woman but doesn’t want to be alone so he’ll take her and shape her into what he wants.

-She’s fine the way she is there’s nothing wrong with her. She’s pretty, she’s smart, generous, sweet, and she’s funny. She is perfect.

--To you she is Mia because you love her but honestly how many people take the time to know her like that? How many people look beyond her weight issues and take the time to see the wonderful person she is?

-That’s their loss.

--No Mia it’s her loss. Loneliness nena.

-So she’ll keep making the same mistakes over and over because of that and I’m supposed to stand by and act like it’s all good?

--Basically.

Just then I got a text message from my friend. She was apologizing for lying to me. She went on and on about how much I meant to her and she understood why I didn’t like the guy but to please give him a chance. I showed the message to my mother who arched her eyebrow at me in expectation of my answer.

--So?

-Fine. I surrender. Bro’s before hoes. You think I’m playing right? I am so going to get that tattooed on my wrist or something.

--Cabeza dura nargas blanditas.

-What?

--It’s a something my dad was always throwing my way about my stubbornness Mia. Hard head makes for a soft ass.

-Woman what is that supposed to mean?

She sighed

--I have no idea but after giving you the goddess on her knees thing I felt like I should say something mommyish.

I just had to stop for a second and stare at her and laugh. The woman kills me each and every time.

Labels: friends, relationships

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Posted by @ 12:36 PM
3 comment from:  Anonymous,  Mia,  Anonymous,

Saturday, April 26, 2008

He Sure Has Great Taste In Women!

I am really tight with my maternal cousins,especially my cousin Tini. As kids Tini and I regularly tested the patience of Father Pepe Le Pew with our antics during Sunday school. It was truly a miracle of God (praise bejezus!) that we weren’t beaten with our rosary beads by the assorted nuns of the parish. "Two peas in a pod", the nuns used to say. Yet it never quite sounded like a compliment coming from them.

For the past several months my cousin has been telling me about this guy that she’s really serious about. She’s been dying for us to meet each other. The other day she e-mailed me a photo of her beloved. As the picture loaded up onto my screen I burst out laughing. Holy Monkey I know this guy!

I'm always saying my life is kind of like a sit-com and this just convinces me more. It turns out that I dated my cousin's new boyfriend a couple of years ago and dumped him. Thankfully I don't remember it being a bad break-up. So I’m sure there are no voodoo dolls made in my image playing the role of pin cushion in his night stand drawer.I have got to give the guy props on one thing he sure has consistent taste in women! If things don't work out with him and Tini we've got at least a dozen more female cousins in our age range we could hook him up with.

Labels: cousin, relationships

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Posted by @ 12:28 AM
2 comment from:  Anonymous,  Mia,

Friday, April 06, 2007

Thin Line Between Love & Hate

My friend out in the UK and I were talking via cell phones when his ex girl friend called him on his house line. He begged off their conversation telling her he was busy at the moment talking to me. She demanded to know who I was. I guess she’s the jealous type and not used to him putting her off to talk to someone else especially a female. Despite him repeatedly telling her that I was just a friend of his from New York she wasn’t satisfied with his answer and kept bickering with him about the true nature of our relationship. Meanwhile I am hearing the entire screaming match and wishing that they’d leave me out of their drama.


My friend at the end of his rope finally yelled into the phone, “YES! She’s my NEW girlfriend! That’s right she is my new girlfriend.” I knew that lie was going make things fugly for him and then I thought to myself that it was a good thing I was in New York otherwise she’d probably bitch slapped me. The next morning my friend went to his car only to find that all of his windows had been smashed …courtesy of his ex girl…all of his windows! He retaliated by keying her new car that same night. He and his artistic keys went to town on her car. He left it looking like a victim of scratchiti which is like graffiti sans the markers and paint.

Last night we were on the phone again and he confided in me that he thinks he is not over his ex girlfriend yet. Ahhh young love… The smashed windows would have done it for me but then again some relationships are more dysfunctional passionate than others. I told him that judging from her actions the feeling seemed to be mutual and that they really should talk about their feelings…but first he needs to make are no sharp objects around.


One thing for sure is they both hopefully learned a lesson out of this even if they don’t get back together. I’ll bet you he’ll never fib about the nature of our relationship to any chick ever again and I’m sure next time he tells her someone is just a friend she will believe him. Maybe they they need to be on meds or maybe there really is a thin line between love and hate, I’m not just sure yet.

It's a Thin Line Between Love and Hate

Labels: life lessons, Love, relationships

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Posted by @ 9:28 AM
4 comment from:  Just Jane,  TotallyHappened,  DannieS72,  Mia,

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

It's hard work being a woman...

I was having a convo with a male friend about superficiality. He seems to feel that women as a rule are superficial creatures. The reason we touched on the subject was because he was telling me about a friend of his who is a 21 year old virgin. Wait, wait! Before you roll your eyes at me you’ve got to realize that here in NYC in the hip hop culture of b-boys and gangsta wannabe’s finding a male 21 year old virgin is akin to finding an unused bong in a room full of stoners. It is amazing…it is a miracle…right up there with 3 wise men hauling ass on camels to check out a baby allegedly born of immaculate conception in a manger. Crap like that doesn’t happen every day. Well at least no one admits to it every day.

See this is where superficiality issue comes. The guy wants a trophy girl, you know the type with a cover girl face and a playboy body. The problem is that those girls are not attracted to him. My friend seemed offended that the playboy model type chicks were not attracted to his friend. That's when he said females were superficial.

Mia: Are you serious? Are you insane? What do you mean they are superficial? It’s your friend that’s being superficial. There are girls out there that don’t care if he has more boobs than them yet he passes them over because they are not pretty enough, not tight enough. Come on man who’s the superficial one here?


His friend reminded me of a couple of male friends of mine as well. One is a 30 plus year old guy he is charasmatic, smart, witty, funny, good lord he is funny. He also happens to be a short dumbo eared little dude who is superficial as all hell. I’ve known him ever since I was a teenager so I can say this about him and know that what I’m saying is not an exaggeration. Because of his personality women are drawn to him like flies to a pile crap on a hot August day. The problem is that unless the woman looks like a porn star he doesn’t want to holla at her. The one time when a woman fit his criteria and returned his feelings she turned out to be a psycho. She scared him, hell she scared all of us. She was not just bite your nails scary. She was look over your shoulder take out a restraining order and hire yourself an armed bodyguard on steroids type of scary. You know the kind that comes at you with a knife waving it wildly in the air mascara and eye liner running down her face while a big snot bubble pops in and out of her left nostril as she yells, “ Why won’t you love meeeee?, why won't you love me? ” over and over again.

Friend: You can’t front women are superficial.

Mia: Some women are superficial. Heck it’s hard being a woman. You guys have it mad easy. You get up brush your teeth comb your hair and throw on a shirt and some jeans. Ironing the stuff is optional. As long as you bathe and your clothes don’t have any crusty stains your good to go. You approach a woman and if your game is tight bang! You cop her number.

It’s not that simple for a chick. Women have to pluck, wax, moisturize, exfoliate, spritz, and curl all with the hope of catching some guys eye. Women are expected to look like fresh and new 24 -07. That stuff is exhausting man. Not to mention control top panties, girdles, the heels, the bras that push up, and shape the lady lumps. Mind you all of this is done to attract male attention . It is exhausting being a woman!

Friend: See so they are superficial. Men aren’t like that.


Mia:What are you high? Put the crack pipe down son! Who do you think objectifies women into sexual objects in the first place? Are you telling me you prefer the slightly pudgy plain jane librarian over the playboy centerfold?


Friend: No! What about you?

Mia: Dude I’m not into women.

Friend: NO stupid. What about you. Are you superficial?


Mia: Honestly no. I have dated men that have been positively gorgeous and I've also dated guys with faces only their mamas could love. My thing is this, I am attracted to a man by his personality. His ability to make me laugh, to hold a stimulating conversation. You know stuff we have in common, everything else is just icing on the cake.

Friend:So you’re telling me you don’t hook yourself up to attract the guys?


Mia: Na man, personally I don’t give a fluff if guys find me banging or not. I don’t put my body on display to attract male attention. I dress for me, for my comfort.

Friend: But you do your hair and make up don’t you? That’s superficial stuff.


Mia: I do my hair for me because I have curly hair;and you know you don’t wanna ever leave your house looking like Tina Turner. The stuck my finger in an electrical socket look only works for her. That look on the general public tends to scare children and attract small woodland creatures looking for a home. Make up? Oh hell no. Make up to me is like liquor I enjoy it occasionally it’s not an everyday thing. Some females get up at the crack of dawn to throw on their war paint (makeup) before going out into the world just to attract male attention. Others just look like the Avon lady exploded in their face. They think more makeup is the key to beauty.

Friend: See what you’re saying? On some level the world is superficial.

Mia: Maybe, but you know what? The world would be a much better place if people would look beyond the superficial. Take time to know the person inside. Booya beeotch!

Labels: Men, relationships, superficial

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Posted by @ 2:30 AM
5 comment from:  Wendy aka Cheeky,  Nooni,  Mia,  Just Jane,  Kevin Mathison,

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Women can be such masochists at times

It was late when the phone rang and it kind of startled me….

Mia: Hello…

Voice:: On:: Phone: Mia?!

Mia: (imitating Spanish accent) Jes?

VOP: My father WAHHHHHHHH SOB in the hospital! Mumble..mumble…emergency room…mumble…sob…mumble WAHHHHHHH!

The voice on the phone was hysterical. I could barely make out what she was saying between her sobbing and mumbling. One should never attempt to talk and cry at the same time it’s a no-no big time. I had no idea who she was.


Mia: Who is this?

VOP: It’s me G!

Mia: G slow down take a deep breath…what’s going on? Are you okay?

my friend’s dad had been taken to the hospital emergency room with chest pains. His wife thought he might be having a heart attack. Personally I’m not fond of her father. He makes me feel really uncomfortable. Father’s should never leer at their daughter’s friends that’s just damn wrong and pervy.

Despite her father being a creep I had to sympathize with G’s drama because after all dysfunctional creep or not he is her dad and she loves him. I managed to calm her down and get the story. Now I wish I hadn’t because I’m certainly condemned to purgatory for all the jokes that ran through my head. You’ll be happy to know that for once in my life I kept my smart assed comments to myself. I must be growing up.

It seems G’s dad had taken a Viagra before going to visit his girl friend earlier in the day. He had an erection that wouldn’t go down and it had been over 8 hours. The raging boner was now causing him pain and the stress of it all was making his blood pressure go up. The problem with a prolonged erection aside from the pain it causes is the fact that if left untreated it could cause penile tissue damage and permanent impotency. I imagine that’s what had the horn ball so stressed out.

Now maybe it’s just me but umm excuse me If it had been my husband I would’ve gone into my closet and put on a pair of steel tipped toe boots and kicked him as hard as I could in the aforementioned stiffy. Then I would’ve dragged his ass out onto the street and told him to call his lover to come and take his butt to the hospital because I wasn’t taking him anywhere nor was I going to call an ambulance. As a matter of fact he could go stand outside on the corner and use his erect member to hail a cab to take him to the hospital.

Now the part that just flipping amazed me was the fact that his wife and daughters were in the hospital at his bedside…. The mental image was just too much for me…his wife and their daughters boo hooing away as they kept the watch on “Boner 2006.” Good grief women can be such masochists at times. Hopefully one day his wife will wake the heck up.

This song is for them... “It’s a Thin Line Between Love and Hate” by The Delfonics….

Labels: Love, relationships

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Posted by @ 2:00 PM
10 comment from:  sexygoba,  Mica,  christina/ohio,  Emory Mayne,  Nooni,  Just Jane,  The Krispy Dixie,  Just Jane,  Aisha,  Mia,

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

That’ll do pig , that’ll do

Every now and then you have one of those “Babe” moments when you just gotta pat yourself on the back and say,"Ya done good … that’ll do pig , that’ll do." and just bask in the glow of the moment. I am having one of those glowy moments right now. Slap some wings on my back, throw a diaper on my ass and hand me some heart tipped arrows. I am giving Cupid a run for his money.


I wrote that in my diary last week after successfully hooking up a current friend with my favorite ex-boyfriend Patrick.

One of my home girls recently became available after having an epiphany and getting rid of the albatross around her neck she called a boyfriend. Her history with the loser was a long one. It took a long time for home girl to tap her inner “Super Chick” and break free of the bastard. When I realized that both of my friends were free the wheels in my brain started turning. My home girl found it kind of odd that I’d be hooking her up with my ex but c’mon man this isn’t just any ex this is my favorite ex… the dude that calls me “itty bitty”. I have so many great memories of the dude. As much as I adore him he just wasn’t “the one” for me. They had their first date and all seemed to go well.

They’ve been seeing each other for a week now and my “that’ll do pig, that’ll do." glowiness is fading…fast! Why do some females feel the need to rush things? Why do they want to feel the euphoria of love instantly instead of slowly letting it grow? Why for the love of ju ju beans why? Home girl calls me last night to vent about the fact that:

1) My boy doesn’t want to get married: WTF?! Of course he doesn’t want to get married. He isn’t in love….yet.

2) Homeboy doesn’t want children: Hark the Herald! I dare say WTF?! Please refer to the reason above.

There was a lot more but I’m just too stupefied to list it here. Whatever happened to take your time? Get to know each other. Why the rush? Do you have a catering hall and a church booked some where? Plus I got an odd vibe off of her tonight. We’re supposed to be hitting a club this weekend to celebrate a friends birthday and my home girl invite Patrick to tag along. “I hope he doesn’t feel out of place since my friends are going to be with us.” To which I replied “Na he’ll be fine I’m going to be there.” and she says, “What do you mean by that?!”… The way she said it was kind of cold. Yeah boy I sense a bit of insecurity in the air. What I meant by that was hello we’ve known each other for 9 years we’re used to hanging and partying together so at least he has one friend there that he is comfy with. I have no designs on him if I did I wouldn’t have hooked you up with him.

Next time I want to play cupid someone should kick me …really hard.

Labels: relationships

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Posted by @ 2:11 AM
3 comment from:  christina/ohio,  Goggles Piasano Ritardo,  The Krispy Dixie,

Saturday, June 03, 2006

A group blind date

Reina had a blind date last night and of course she dragged me along for moral support. Trust me I tried to get out of it, it was raining it was hot it was muggy it was humid there was thunder there was lightning …I didn’t want to get dressed up….there was a documentary on cable I wanted to see… she was not having it. Hell hath no more determined minion as Reina when she’s trying to land a man. This is the way it works with her blind dates if he’s fugly I am there as a buffer…if he’s cute I will never lay eyes on the guy again because from there on she will hang out with him solo.

Her date Brandon was mucho cute, he seemed like a nice guy and more importantly had been blessed with impeccable taste in humor, but more on that later. Not wanting to feel like the 3rd wheel or make her date feel uncomfortable I invited a date of my own, Mike. Then as we were exploring Manhattan Magz called and we all agreed to hook up with Magz and her crew over at Faces and Names on 54th street. It was official Reina’s blind date had now turned into a group outing but Brandon was enjoying himself so it was all good. He became my buddy that night he rarely left my side. I guess I made him feel comfortable because I was treating him as if I’d known him all my life teasing him and involving him in our conversations. I hate meeting a group of people that know each other and being the odd man out, it is so awkward. They’ll chat amongst themselves maybe even switch back and forth between their native language and English expecting you to keep up or jump in without a proper invitation.

My date Mike was a cop and with the exception of Brandon the whole group were students at John Jay so for the rest of the night we had a lot of criminal justice type humor going on. Yuk yuk yuk we are just so clever. Now here’s where Brandon’s impeccable taste comes in… he laughed at all of my jokes even the stuff I hadn't meant to be funny. I was batting a 1000 with this guy. It was like having my own personal cheer leader. I loved him!

As we made our way around the city I kept smelling booze but none of us were drinking so where was the smell of booze coming from? I looked around nope no winos around us. Finally I asked Officer Mike, "Yo do you smell liquor?” “No” When we got to Faces and Names we took a table and Brandon sat next to me with Mike on the other side of me and that’s when I was finally able to track the source of the distillery smell, it was coming from it was Brandon! Hark the herald my personal cheer leader was boozed up! I leaned towards Mike and whispered “Hey Officer Mike in your professional opinion is that kid drunk or is it just me?” Mike took a close look at Brandon then a whiff, “Yeah he’s drunk.” It turned out that Brandon was the shy type and prior to meeting up with us he’d sucked on a bottle of liquid courage. Being an extremely shy person myself I could sympathize with him. I mean not only was he meeting Reina for the first time but on top of that Reina informs him last minute that she’ll be bringing her posse with her? Ouch! Talk about stress! Damn that slore for stressing the kid out and inflicting all of us on him at the same time.

Mike ordered a round of drinks and Brandon had a couple of more shots. We were having a Bronx vs. Queens contest. It’s common knowledge that our peeps from Queens have to be pried out of their boro and can not hold their liquor so the Bronxites kept teasing the Queens peeps over it. I decided to stick up for my Queens peeps…”don’t baby-sit your drinks Queens show them Bronx bastards what you’re made of drink, drink, drink!!” It would have been nice if Reina had told me that Brandon was from Queens because the last thing that kid needed was more booze.

When the time came to go home we decided it best to drive Brandon home we didn’t feel right sending his drunk self home alone on the subway. Watching Reina flirting in the back seat with him made me laugh alas poor Brandon I shall never hear the sound of your drunken laughter again. Reina likes you and if you like her too it’s a wrap I don’t see you hanging out with us anytime soon. Once we got there Reina decided to walk him upstairs to his house…hmmmm I wonder why? (wink wink nudge nudge)

As they walked away Brandon yelled out, “I like Mia!! Mia has a good head on her shoulders!” People I have no clue as to what that was about. Officer Mike thought it was funny.

Labels: a day in the life, relationships

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Posted by @ 11:38 AM
3 comment from:  DannieS72,  Mr. Khurram,  Mia,

Monday, March 13, 2006

Toucan Sam

Yesterday’s post on superficial boy brought back a memory of an incident where I was the victim of a superficial boy. I was around 16, Patrick and I had parted ways. My age was an issue with him. He was several years older than me and our age difference made him uncomfortable. I was jail bait and he was 19 yrs old.

A new acquaintance was trying to hook me up with her friend Joe. Joe had become my phone buddy because he was always around during the evenings when my friend and I would chat on the phone and horn in on our conversations. Sometimes he would take over the conversations. Eventually he asked my friend to hook us up. We finally met when he joined us for a day of ice skating. When he saw me he laughed and then he dissed me. Yes he did. He avoided me the entire time, he even left without saying goodbye and that night when my friend called me he got on the phone to tell me that I really needed to lose weight and proceeded to give me diet tips as well as skin care tips. I think the day we met I had the remnants of a couple of zits. Yes he had the audacity to give me skin care tips when his face had more zits than mine. That was our last phone conversation. Mind you this kid looked like a geeky version of Toucan Sam but you know it was okay in his book to crush my feelings because perfection was his name.

Fast forward a couple of years later… I am now 19. I’m at a party with Patrick and a group of friends. I’m now rocking size 8 jeans as opposed to the size 12 I was wearing at the ice skating rink. Anything smaller than a size 8 makes me look too thin, I look like a bobble head. Joe spots me and can’t believe it’s me. He comes up to me, mouth all puckered up ready to lay a kiss on my cheek and embrace me. I quickly hold out my hand for a handshake and place my lips on the rim of my Snapple Iced-tea bottle. He acts as if we’re long lost best of friends, he holds onto my hand for a second longer than necessary. I twist and turn my hand out his grip. I introduce him to the ladies at my table. He attempts to make conversation all the while flashing me a lecherous smile. He asks for my number, wants to get together etc blah blah. Yeah, yeah screw you Toucan Sam follow your nose on outta here and take your box of Fruit Loops tired ass lines with you.

He even apologized for the way he had treated me.
Thanks for the apology I can tell it was heart felt because the only time you looked away from my boobs while delivering it was to look at my butt or stare at my legs and thighs. Somehow the denim mini skirt I’m wearing now seems like a bad idea. Thank God it’s one of those jimmies with the built in shorts. I spotted you trying to look up my skirt when you dropped the card with your number on it next to my feet. Check yourself fool my mama taught me how to sit in a skirt. There will be no flashing a la Sharon Stone in Fatal Attraction here Toucan Sam.

“You know I only told you those things back then because I was trying to look out for you. You were always a pretty girl I could see it back then despite the weight. I was just trying to motivate you.” Thank you very much Toucan Sam what little confidence Patrick had managed to instill in me took a nose dive thanks to you. Now umm could you and your beak move over a bit you’re casting a shadow and I’m trying to get some photos of the crowd. I promised the birthday girl I’d do the photography for her.

I was polite to him, but declined to give him my number. For the entire night every time I returned from the dance floor he is standing near my table. He hovers over me, pestering me for a date unable to accept no for an answer. Toucan back the fluck up already! Oh now you think I’m pretty, I have beautiful eyes, and teeth? My complexion is gorgeous? Funny because I’m still the same person I was when you dissed me. Just a little less of me now I lie and tell him I’m seeing someone. He tells me what my bf doesn’t know won’t hurt him. What a pig.

Finally Patrick notices what’s going on and steps up placing his arm around me kissing me on the forehead. He gives Toucan the evil eye. Toucan Sam gets the hint and walks away, he tells me he will be e-mailing me during the week. note to self close that e-mail account when I get home I give Patrick a big kiss and wrap my arms around him in a bear hug and tell him, “Thank you amigo mio. You know I love you right? You’re my best friend.” He replies, “Yeah I know this, you’re my best friend too. You know it wasn’t lack of love that broke us up. I still love you mini me. Heavy or not you’ve always been beautiful to me.” And people still wonder why I adore him.

Labels: ex bf's, relationships

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Posted by @ 1:24 AM
3 comment from:  Just Jane,  Emory Mayne,  Mia,

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Winner by TKO is “Superficial”

I dislike superficial people. They piss me off; I guess it’s due to “fat kid” flashbacks. I was a fat chick (200 lbs) as a teenager. I started losing weight at the age of 15 finally dropping it all off by the time I was 17. When I was 15 ½ I met a wonderful kid named Patrick. He looked beyond all the extra poundage. He was my first boyfriend. In later years after we’d broken up, we’d still hang out together.It gave him an almost perverse pleasure to brag his friends who were attracted to me that he’d been my first boyfriend. Occasionally while partying on a slow night for him I’d make him look like “big daddy” to other females by laying a kiss on him. Nothing seems to make a guy more desirable to wenches especially superficial wenches than a semi-popular chick laying a kiss on a dude. I guess they figure they are missing out on something.

The people I’ve noticed that are the most superficial around me are guys. Don’t get me wrong I do know some superficial females as well; but mostly it’s the guys, and it’s always the ones who could least afford to be superficial. Go figure. These are the ones that want the trophy girlfriend yet lack the looks to bag one. However they are blessed with personality and enough macking skills to draw females to them. The only problem is that the beautiful model/porn star type of females they lust after are not interested in them. They want to be "just" friends with the superficial boys. I have to admit there have been a few times when beautiful model/porn star chick has been interested in superficial boy but after closer inspection we’d find that trophy girl was:

1)Drug addicted
2)Psycho
3)Untalented Stripper looking for a sugar daddy
4)Woman living off of welfare looking for a father for her 3 kids all of whom had different fathers.
5)In the closet lesbian who were really after superficial boys home girl.
6)Internet whore

Sometimes they were a combo of the above, a few times they were all six! Superficial boy is always surrounded by females that adore him,but he can not see the forrest for the trees. Some may be carrying around a little extra poundage but they are still attractive and more importantly smart, kind, and all around wonderful human beings. The superficial boy doesn’t want that. He holds out for the trophy chick,which explains why superficial boy spends a lot of time alone at home.

I have a friend who recently arrived from Egypt. He is a wonderful guy; loving, caring, generous, funny. Did I mention he’s wonderful? Our families would love for us to hook up but I don't see him like that. Being new to this country I figured he needed to make some friends. I tried to hook him up with a friend of mine, he didn’t find her attractive. He said she was nothing like me. I found that funny considering that he wasn’t attracted to me when we first met, and for reasons unsure to me made sure I knew it. I was too dark, (mind you he’s the same color as me)I abhor make-up and high heels. I love jeans and sneakers and like my hair I am short. He likes his women in high heels, with hair dyed in colors not found in nature. He likes them to dress as if they were going to go clubbing at a moment's notice. He likes them white looking with lots of make up. Their weekly Lacombe budget alone must exceed my monthly cell phone bill. One day when he spotted my tattoos he told me, “I could never get with a girl like you.” To which I replied, “don’t stress it papa, you could never get a girl like me.” Several weeks later after he had gotten to know me he was singing a different tune. He admitted he was attracted to me and attempted to hit on me. He made several valiant attempts at seducing me. I told him, “don’t you ever try that again.” He got the point and we’ve been friends ever since. However I know he still longs for the trophy girl. The problem is that when I flash his photo around to girls he would be attracted to he is not their cup of tea. Score round one for superficiality. I think we may need to go the route of an arranged marriage for this dude if this keeps up.

After my girl got dumped I suggested she needed a transition guy. You know the guy you date after a painful break up to get over the hump. I offer to hook her up with a guy I know who would be the perfect transition guy. He got dumped in January and is looking not to get serious with anyone just yet. She asks me how is he as a person and I tell her about him. Not once did she ask me how he looked. In turn the first thing he asks me is what she looks like, is she fat, does she have big boobs? What size are they?

WTF?! How the hell should I know? Shoot man it’s not like she’s asking how big your penis is! For God’s sake you’re only going to chill for a minute to see if you click. Wtf are you worried about if she’s fat? That shouldn’t matter. Once upon a time you were fat with big droopy man boobs in need of a bra and I didn't hold that against you. I looked beyond that to the sweet person you were. When did you become this superficial bastard? Was I asleep when this happened?

Just for the record she had average size boobs and like most American is carrying around 10 extra pounds. Well because of that the superficial boy hesitated and along came this non-superficial guy with a killer personality who positively adores her and swept my girl off her feet. The date that was supposed to happen this past Friday between superficial boy and my friend didn’t happen. She cancelled it out of respect for gorgeous non-superficial boy. They are now officially “talking”. I guess now superficial boy can join the ranks of our older crowd of superficial guy friends. The ones quickly approaching middle age living in their parent’s basement their looks and hairline quickly fading while they troll the internet for available single trophy girls all the while bemoaning their loneliness. The fight is over. The judges’ scores have been tallied and it looks like the winner of today’s fight by TKO is “superficial”.

Labels: relationships

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Posted by @ 12:11 PM
2 comment from:  Emory Mayne,  Mia,

Friday, January 20, 2006

Crazy Wenches...

After flame broiling my finger and risking my livers future health while celebrating my friends re-birth in the form of finally breaking free of her boyfriend I get a call. Her boyfriend stopped by to see her. Prior to their break up he had not seen her in over a month.

A: Mia he said Florida he’s going to move to Florida if I don’t get back together with him!

M: And this is a bad thing because? For God’s sake it’s only Florida which I hear it actually really nice this time of the year. It’s not like he’s moving to the slums of Calcutta.

A: I don’t know what to do!

M: what do you mean you don’t know what to do?

A: I love him!

M: Drama. Let’s list the facts here; He’s been cheating on you with a chick and cheating on her with her former best friend. That equals 2 chicks he’s cheating on you with. When your grandma passed away he couldn’t be bothered to be with you at the wake. He was no where to be found. Why was that again? Oh yeah he was with the other female. He gave you a pewter ring that he also happened to buy for the other female. The same exact ring, with the same exact inscription! Not to mention that he tried to kick it to me not knowing I was your friend. I know you love him but where oh where pray tell is his love for you? Didn’t he tell you when you found out about the other girl that he was planning to dump you anyway, he was just waiting until the holidays passed?

I could tell she was confused, we said nothing for a moment and then she hit me with the big one…

A: Do you think I will lose my friends if I get back together with him?

M: Hold up did you break up with him to please your friends?

Dead silence. I run my fingers through my hair reminding myself of my dad when he is exasperated. I feel sorry for her, I really do.

M: Look, don’t break up with him because of what your friends think. Do it for yourself. If you want to stay with him then do it. It’s all on you, but whatever you do it for the right reason.

A: I think he’s changed this time.

M: And I want to believe I grew an inch taller but my measuring tape keeps telling me it’s all in my head.

A: Rebecca said if I went back to him she’d never talk to me again.

Angela and Rebecca have been best friends since high school so I know this is hard for both of them The thought of ending their friendship is painful especially over this guy who treats Angela like dirt. But the truth is Rebecca can’t take it no more. .

M: Angela it’s your life. Live it in a way that will make you happy, your friends can’t live your life for you or dictate how you should live it. Plus I’m sure she doesn’t mean it. But if you decide to stay with him then you’re going to have to deal with whatever comes your way and shut the fuck up. When he returns to his true form and I trust he will, shut the fuck up. Don’t bitch and moan because you have no right to. You chose the medicine and if the tonic is bitter have a sip of water, shut the fuck up, and keep it moving. If you don’t want your friends hating him then stop complaining to them about every thing he does to you. Keep that drama to yourself.

A: I don’t know what to do. Will you stop being my friend?

M: (sigh) No I’ll still be your friend. You know Angela no one can make this decision for you. You have to do it on your own and you can’t let your friends influence your opinion. Take your time and think about it. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

By this time my head was throbbing we have this same conversation at least 5 times a day. I am tired, I am drained. She is obsessed with this dude. He is like a drug to her she needs a 12 step program. She’s going through withdrawal. Angela suffers from fairy tale syndrome she thinks that the first guy you meet is the one you ride off into the sunset with and live happily ever after. Obviously nothing was learned after 5 seasons of Sex and The City.



Just then my other friend calls me. This one has been dating a guy with a live- in girl friend which to me is just as good as being married. She’s been catching a lot of flack from everyone over this. I limit myself to the occasional smart ass remarks because well let’s face it it’s what I do I can’t help myself. She knows how I feel about interfering in a relationship I’ve already lectured on this subject once already. It’s like beating a dead horse.


R: Mia he broke up with his girlfriend!

M: Really? Amazing. She moved out?

R: No, not yet he gave her a week to move her stuff out.

M: Aha I see…but physically she’s still there?

R: Yeah

M: Okay

I don’t know why but I get the hunch she’s lying about his breaking up with his girlfriend. My bullshit detector is beeping like crazy. I think she made this up to get us off her case and to accept the bastard.

R: We’re going on our first official date tomorrow afternoon!

M: We’re supposed to go to school tomorrow. You’ve got to get the over tally for a couple of classes not to mention we need to get our bursar sheets and we need to look into the Masters program thingy.

R: But it’s our first date!

M: Yea nena! Wonderful! So the boning fest you’ve guys have been having all over New York doesn’t count?

R: No. Now that he is single this is our first official date.

M: Hello earth to Reina! This is important! You need to get into that class in order to graduate. There are no seats left. I repeat you need this class and you’re not the only one. Others will be there too trying to get in on the over tally and even that is limited. First come, first serve. Did I mention you need this class in order to graduate on time?

R: It’s our first date!

I don’t bother to tell her that if he really broke up with his girl friend there’s no need for their official first date to be during the day, during office hours. It could be pushed back into the evening. After all New York is the city that’s opened 24-7.


At that point something in me just snapped maybe it was PMS I dunno. I miss Jackie, my gentle giant the one friend who comes to me for advice and actually listens to what I tell her. I love that girl. Who are these crazy bitches and what happened to the self confident women that once were my friends?! Who the hell are these stupid heffas so desperate for a man in their lives that they will put up with anything? Women who once upon a time were strong women have now basically surrendered their free will and dignity. All in the name of hooking up a guy. The kicker is that I know they are desperate because in the past they never would have looked at these guys twice. They are not even hot guys! Not even room temperature guys! I gotta give those boys mega props though they must have honed their mackin’ skills to have these wenches eating out of their paws. I salute those bastards!

M: You know what? Do whatever you want. I’m not your mother; you don’t need my approval to go on your date. We’ll do the school thing on another day. I’m done registering for my classes, my schedule is all set.

She talks about how she’s never felt this way about any guy before. I’ve heard this song before…with every other guy she’s ever been with. I do the mental tally and say nothing.

R: He’s my soul mate.

Oh yeah man I have heard this speech many times before.

M: I’m sure his live-in girl feels the same way too.

R: He broke up with her! You know she doesn’t cook or clean?!

M: Really and you do?

R: Yeah I told him I can cook and I do housework.

M: Liar.

R: No, I cook and clean!

M: Since when? I’ve been coming over to your house for 6 years now and I have never ever seen you make a meal. Oh my bad excuse me; your mom called you once from work and told you to put the chicken in the oven, a chicken she had seasoned. And since when do you clean? Your mom she does all the cleaning. All you do is throw your stuff around the house and when she gets home she cleans up after you. You don’t even wash your own dishes! Listen whenever a guy cheats on a girl he never sings her praises he will bash her to the end he’s gotta make her look bad in order to justify what he’s doing to gullible chicks like you.

she says nothing. I sense she’s mad but as the old spiritual goes the truth shall set you free.

R: Well anyway they broke up.

M: I’ll believe it when I see it… as a matter of fact the day no, no make that the night he invites you over to his crib that’s when I will believe it and eat my hat.

R: He wants us all to go on a double date.

M: Why?

R: Mia he likes you he thinks you’re funny and cool.

M: That’s because I am. I’d rather poke myself in the eye with a hot fork.

R: Mia!

M: What you want that I should lie? I don’t like him and if I get a couple of drinks in me I’m not going to be able to hide that fact. I don’t trust him and if you do wind up being his new girl then you better remember how you met him and keep an eye on him.

R: It’s different with me. He says I’m his soul mate. We have so much in common, we like the same music, the same video games!

I think to myself again with the soul mate shit, wow the same video games, the same music and so trust worthy too…let me start engraving the wedding invitations right now. Guys like him remind me of hookers with retractable hymens. Every person they meet is the first one, they’ve never felt this way before blah blah their love for you will keep them faithful and true meanwhile their eyes are wandering all over the place in search of the bigger better deal.


M: That’s great. I hope everything works out for you guys.

R: Why can’t you be happy for me?

M: I want nothing more than for you to be happy. I just hope he is worthy of your trust. If you don’t mind I’m just gonna keep the cork in the champagne bottle for now.

R: But Mia…

M: Look I don’t want to hear it. Stop trying to sell me this guy. Time will tell what type of person he is. I don’t care; as a matter of fact that’s my new mantra for you guys. I then started chanting my new mantra; Mia, he said I’m too fat… I don’t care. Mia, he’s cheating on me…I don’t care. Mia, he gave me an STD… I don’t care. Mia, he’s taking my money…I don’t care. Mia, he’s making out with another girl in front of me… I don’t care. Mia, he is hitting on my friends… I don’t care. Mia, he voted for Bush!...I don’t care, no wait I do care let’s kick his ass. At this she starts laughing.

R: What?! You’re crazy!

M: What? What? I don’t care.

Just then my mom happened to walk by and saw my face. She asked if I was okay and I asked her to hold on, I needed to talk to her.

M: Listen I gotta go I’ll hit you up tomorrow.

R: Well um okay I hope you feel better.

M: Me too.

My mom basically gave voice to what I had been thinking. I am way too involved in the melodrama going on in my friends lives. This is not a healthy thing for me, I need to step back and let them grow up on their own. I feel sapped of all energy. My feelings make me wonder if I’m cut out to be a shrink at all. Will this be the way I feel about my patients? I take a deep breath.

When it comes to my friends I try to live up to something my mom once told me that made a lot of sense, “Mia a true friend will tell you what you need to hear not just what you want to hear.” That is the type of friend I strive to be, but sometimes people just don’t want to hear the truth. They just want you to blindly approve of whatever they’re doing even though deep down inside they know it’s wrong. By giving them your approval you’re enabling them to party on. I realize my friends just want me to be their enabler but I can’t do it. They both have to do what they feel is right for them and deal with whatever is born as a result of their actions. No matter how much I love these crazy heffas, I can’t protect them from what’s out there or from themselves. Maybe there’s a support group out there for crazy wenches I can sign these two up for. Maybe there’s even one for friends of crazy wenches that I can sign up for.

Labels: friends, relationships, wenches

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Posted by @ 12:50 AM
6 comment from:  Just Jane,  Fouad,  Aisha,  Emory Mayne,  Abreu, Jorge,  DannieS72,

Thursday, December 15, 2005

The Other Woman...

I imagine that the scent of insecurity and desperation must waft through the air in The Bronx like the scent of fabric softener in a Laundromat and men pick up on it following the source of the scent. That’s the only reason that I can come up with for the guys my friends attract. It seems to me that my girls have lost their self-respect, they will put up with anything under the guise of love. On one hand I have a friend who refuses to believe that main function in her pseudo relationship is that of ATM. I write about her here all the time, lately when she starts complaining about her boy friend I count down the minutes and when she reaches 6 minutes of complaining I end the conversation. I plan on cutting it down to 4 minutes of bitching this weekend, gradually I’m cutting her B & M time out I don’t want to have her go cold turkey. Why bitch and moan if you’re not going to do anything about it?

Now my best friend has thrown her hat into the “wtf are you thinking?!” ring. She recently started seeing a guy who has a girlfriend and it is causing all sorts of drama. I spoke to her about this and gave her all the cons because honestly there is no pro in this situation. I understand my friend in a way no one else does including her mother. I know her biggest fear in life is to be alone which is why she feels she has to hook up with THE ONE now at this point in her life. I have been down this road with her before sitting in a neutral corner until it all fell apart and I was called to help pick up the broken pieces.

Her mother and she have been arguing every day over this situation. Her mom has become the morality police breaking into lectures without notice much like born again Christians catching the spirit and speaking in tongues at a revival. My friend throws it back in her face with venomous force by pointing out that the man that her mother has been dating for the past 10 yrs is married and only recently applied for a divorce. My friend has known this for years, heck we figured out the dude was married when we were teenagers but she never let on that she knew out of respect for her mother. The tension between mother and daughter is now so thick you can spread it on a bagel and wash it down with a cup of coffee. Hopefully my girl will come to her senses soon and realize that there is nothing to be gained by being the other woman, but somehow I doubt that. I think this is a lesson she will be learning the hard way.

Labels: relationships

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Posted by @ 6:24 PM
5 comment from:  Emory Mayne,  Mia,  Emory Mayne,  Mia,  Aisha,

Friday, November 25, 2005

Chocolately good with a hint of strawberries...

A few weeks ago I posted something about my friend and her refusal to leave her assholyish boyfriend. Well yesterday in between stuffing my face with everything but the seafood salad on the buffet table I spent the day listening to her talk about him. It seems he has a space page and refuses to acknowledge his relationship with her putting himself out there as single. Meanwhile the girl he is cheating on my friend with leaves him lovey dovey messages on his comment section. Sounds like a teenage soap opera doesn’t it?

My friend was so outraged by this that she broke up with him and came over to give me the good news…wait, wait don’t break out the cheese and crackers yet! I didn’t expect it to last and neither should you. About an hour after the break up he calls her…the stress of the break up has triggered an asthma attack he needs to be taken to the hospital. My theory? The realization that he will now have to pay his own bills spooked him. My thoughts were “Beast get the fluck off the phone, suck on your inhaler and move onto your next victim!” Then he calls her up again….he’s going to kill himself!! If he had called me I would’ve recommended several methods he could’ve used, too bad he doesn’t have my number. Well the fact that he said he was going to kill himself brought her around and she got back together with him. I’d like to point out he felt well enough to attend a concert with the other chick while my friend got to stay home pouring her heart out to me and dealing with my smart ass remarks.

Finally she tells me last night, I’m getting fed up with him.” You go girl!! Then she lays the big one on me, because you know it’s always the other girl’s fault that a man cheats it’s never everrrr the dude’s fault (cough..cough..bullsnit) “Mia”,she says,”until I see them together I am not going to believe it.” Dammit I knew it was too good to last! “Ahhhh I see, perhaps you would like 8x 10 glossies of them bumping ugly as well?” I respond. My mom heard me and gave me the raised eyebrow look, “Mia that was cruel, be nice….want some cake?” and left to get my grandfather some more pumpkin pie.

At that point all the turkey I’d eaten started kicking in and I was feeling tired and in need of a serious nap… I felt it was time for a dose of reality…plus my mom was in the kitchen so I was safe from the raised eyebrow… “Look babe if that is you’re attitude then whatever happens from here on whatever he crap he throws your way you deserve and don’t have a right to complain.” She seemed shocked at my attitude and told me you’re tired of hearing all of this aren’t you…” “Nah man it’s not that. You’re a fantastic person and don’t deserve this crap, but if you’re not willing to make the change then why keep advertising the fact that he’s a jerk? You’re only making yourself look stupid. You’re not even coming across as a victim. You’re coming across as a world class sucker. You really should start seeing other people; keep your options open because these days you seem to be spending more time with me than with him. Meanwhile he’s whooping it up with the other chick.”

“I can’t cheat on him!” “Ohhh I see because he is so faithful to you okay I got it….” Just then my mom and her raised eyebrow came in waving a piece of her chocolate cake in front of me; and like a deer caught in the headlights I was distracted. My friend was momentarily saved from anymore of my wise ass remarks at the expense of my waistline…God I love Thanksgiving! It’s the onetime of year when stuffing my face with chocolate cake is a good thing…it saves someone’s ego from being bruised. It’s the one time of year when swallowing my words doesn’t leave a bitter taste in my mouth…it actually tastes chocolately good with a hint of strawberries.

Labels: relationships

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Posted by @ 1:31 PM
4 comment from:  dazevarder,  Aisha,  Mia,  Aisha,