Mia: Shaken Not Stirred


The true life stories of a NYC female.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Stan Berenstain, beloved children's author...


Stan Berenstain,one of my favorite childhood authors has passed on at the age of 82.Together with his wife Jan, he wrote more than 200 children's books about a family of bears. For over 40 years The Berenstain Bears helped children cope with trips to the dentist, eating junk food and cleaning their messy rooms. The first Berenstain Bears book, "The Great Honey Hunt," was published in 1962. The couple developed the series with children's author Theodor Geisel - aka Dr. Seuss, then head of children's publishing at Random House - with the goal of teaching children to read while entertaining them.

I still have my copies of Berenstain Bear books and a few videotapes laying around from when I was a little kid. Even though over the years I’ve given away my childhood library my I could never bear to part with my Berenstain Bear Book collection…they were the first books I ever read all by myself. My favorite has always been "The Messy Room". RIP Mr. Berenstain your work brought much joy into my childhood and fueled my love for reading as well as writing, thank you.

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Posted by @ 12:26 AM
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Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Early Christmas cheer via subliminal messages....


My dad starts getting into the Christmas spirit in August. The man has been known to play Christmas carols during the balmy month making the kids laugh and my mom cringe. Mom is different she starts getting into it once December arrives. Around the 1st week of December she sets up our tree and during the 2nd week we decorate the tree and the house. This year things are different something is afoot and I think my dad is to blame.

Ever since mid-November my mom has been singing Christmas tunes all over the house.This past Sunday she put away all the Thanksgiving decorations and set up the tree, when I got home that night the tree was decorated! I looked at the calendar on the wall thinking I might’ve pulled a Rip Van Winkle and taken a really long nap. Nope it was Nov 27th. I looked around the house and saw it had been transformed into Christmasville;decorations, wreaths, garlands, knick knacks all over the house. I stepped back wondering if I had stepped into the wrong apartment. This is not the norm. My mom hates to rush Christmas,so to see her doing this all so early is really unusual.

However I think I know the reason behind her early Christmas cheer. Last night I heard something coming out of my parent’s bedroom. It was the sound of music…it was Christmas carols! This morning as she launched into her 7:30 am version of "Feliz Navidad" I asked her about the music last night… it seems that right after Halloween my dad found a radio station that plays nothing but Christmas carols. Every night since then my mom has been falling asleep to Christmas carols! Aha! I thought to myself early Christmas cheer via subliminal messages!

If I were the devious sort I think I could use this to our advantage. The kids and I could make a recording of our Christmas lists and then make our parents a CD with their favorite carols on them with our lists playing in between the tracks. I could then go into their room as they sleep and put it on their stereo letting it play all night over and over and over again. Mua ha ha!! I wonder if this could work on Bush…maybe we could get someone on the inside to slip a CD on as he sleeps making all sorts of suggestions… hmm.. I wonder…think of the possibilities !

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Monday, November 28, 2005

WTF do you say to a murderer?


A few years ago one of my neighbors was arrested for murder. It was a case movies are made of, in fact Law and Order based one of their episodes on it. It was only when the NYPD went on the local news that the victim's identity was discovered. Several weeks later my neighbor was arrested. I didn’t follow his case too closely in the papers because I figured it was a done deal, given the evidence against him. Last I had heard his wife was in town and the judge had to decide if she was going to be allowed to testify against him. The prosecutor argued that because they had been separated for several years before the murder took place (his wife lived in the same complex) she was not violating the spousal privilege. The defense argued the opposite, citing they were never legally separated. I never saw the decision in the paper but I thought that even without her testimony they’d be able to convict him.

Given the gruesome details of the case (I spared you) you would figure that the man would get put away for a life right? Nope, he was acquitted! Imagine my shock at finding myself riding the elevator with him the other day. He stared at me; my parents had been acquaintances of his family for 14 years. He had seen me grow up, until his arrest his kids had been friends with my younger siblings. I fixed my gaze on my sneakers, noting that the laces needed to be washed. “Mia!” I looked at him and he smiled at me, “Hello mama my God you’ve grown up so much. How are your parents?” It had to be the longest elevator ride in the history of man. It seemed as if the elevator stopped on almost every floor. He tried to make small talk with me asking about school, boy friends etc. regular things my parents friends always ask me about. I could only reply in one or two word answers. Complete sentences seemed incapable of being formed by me.

As he talked I kept thinking about how his children had to be moved to another state when the news broke about what he had done… How his elderly father, a highly respected and beloved gentleman’s health just took a nose dive after his arrest, leading him to be committed to a nursing home. I thought about his poor mom in her late 80’s all by herself in that apartment, with no one there for her at night. Her family shunned her because of her staunch defense of her only child and her refusal to accept the facts.

I remember my mom being really upset one day because the old lady in a fitful state told my father that a local neighborhood thug a dude in his 20's had taking to knocking on her door every night,late at night tormenting her. All because he knew what her son had done. My dad handled it though he made sure the thug didn't bother her again. That whole scenario was running through my mind as he spoke. Do I tell him about this, or about all the times I had found his mother crying in the laundry room? Or how the newer tenants would point and whisper every time she walked through the lobby? Should I tell him of all the pain and devastation he caused? Does he even know this? Does he regret it? My mind was racing; I had nothing to say to him.

Finally I reached my floor, he said good bye and asked me to give his regards to my family. I nodded my head and looked straight into his eyes; wondering what happened to this man? I remember him as always being so sweet and attentive to everyone. Not one person could walk by him without him greeting them in such a personal way that it brightened the person’s day. He had this magnetic personality and this aura about him. I gave a half assed goodbye wave as I stepped off the elevator. He called to me, “Mia you’re a good kid make sure you go all the way with school.” I looked back at him and nodded my head as the elevator door closed. WTF do you say to a murderer?

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Posted by @ 10:50 AM
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Friday, November 25, 2005

Maidens of Virtue....



I was minding my own business at home waiting for the coffee to finish brewing when there was a knock on my door. I opened the door thinking it was going to be a Jehova’s witness. They are always good for a laugh this early in the morning. I do however find that the local Mormons and Born again Christians have no sense of humor at 8 am. They never seem to appreciate my "Jesus is my homeboy" t-shirt. I guess it's something about the savior flashing hand signals they can't get into.

I opened the door and there before me stood an older woman, who was way too enthusiastic considering it was 8 am and freezing outside. Her face was ghastly white contrasted with 2 “slapped in the face” red circles on her cheeks, her permed salt and pepper was all askew from the wind. At first I wasn’t too sure if she was there to convert me or drink my blood, it was too early in the morning to tell. Turns out she was going door to door in my neighborhood collecting souls for the local Mormon Church. As she was introducing herself to me one of the books she was carrying caught my eye. Judging by the title and cover of the book it looked to have been published in an era when women still wore corsets and walked several feet behind their men. The name of the book was,"Raising Maidens of Virtue: A Study of Feminine Loveliness for Mothers and Daughters" by Stacy Mc Donald.

The lady saw me looking at the cover of her book just as my baby sister walked by yawning, scratching her butt in her power puff pajamas. Seeing us girls made the maternal side of her kick in. She figured that me being a maiden and my sister being in her pre-maiden stage it would be a good thing to talk to my mom about the book and the church. My mom wasn’t available so she had no choice but to talk to me if she wanted her message heard. She opened her book and tried to get me interested in it for my own good. She told me that the book was not from the Victorian era but instead from the current and that “It’s for mothers to use in training daughters who are approaching womanhood to think biblically.” WTF?! Training? As in fetch, roll over, play dead, ?...Oh man, one of those books, I thought. I’ll say this for her the woman was persistent she would’ve made Dracula proud , or whoever it is the Mormons answer to… who is it anyway is it the Osmonds?

She tried her hardest to get me to come to some gathering at the Mormon Church… her selling point was that a lot of Latinos are converting to Mormonism (is that a word?) … I give her my fakest smile ,”Oh yeah I can tell, by the large amount of Latino recruiters you guys are flooding my neighborhood with.” (lies…lies…and more lies)"Back off Mia be nice to the lady it’s too early for your sarcasm. Invite her in for some coffee or something. Hopefully Kane won't try to hump her leg.”, I thought to myself. I guess she sensed that I was one of those unchaste and impure women the book was rallying against (damn I need to use a better deodorant) and decided against coming in. The conversation quicky ended. I wished her a good day and closed the door.

As I was checking my email, sipping on my coffee my thoughts turned to the book. I went googled it and lo’ and behold I found it! I read a synopsis on the book and didn’t know whether to be laugh or to continue my state of amazement over what I found…. From theAmazon reader site:

“More than a fill-in-the-blank Bible study, "Raising Maidens of Virtue: A Study of Feminine Loveliness for Mothers and Daughters" is an engaging tool for mothers to use in training daughters who are approaching womanhood to think biblically. Through stories, allegories, illustrations, and memory-making projects, "Raising Maidens of Virtue" covers topics such as guarding the tongue, idleness, sibling relationships, honoring parents, contentment, modesty, purity, cleanliness, and feminine biblical beauty. Godly women are not born, but raised. Stacy McDonald has in this work equipped parents to be about the business of raising up rubies, or rather, that which is more precious still, our daughters.

WTF?!!
if I’m gonna be compared to a jewel I want it to be diamonds , I mean aren’t diamonds more precious than rubies?! Or is that their way of making sure we don’t have too high an opinion of ourselves? “Yes my dear for you are as precious as a ruby to me.” “But sir aren’t diamonds more precious?” “Yes they are my dear, but you’re not that special only Our Savior the Lord Jeeeeezus is as precious as diamonds…now go back in the kitchen and get the men folk some coffee the 700 club is on.” Hmmm.

The chapters in the book have titles such as
  • Fresh Milk, Powdered and Perfumed
  • :
    Please tell me this is on skin care.
  • Knight in Shining Armor
  • :
    I’m guessing this is a Disney Cinderella inspired chapter.
  • Daddy's Fair Maiden
  • :
    I’m not even going to into how creepy that sounds. WTF? Did Jessica Simpson’s dad write this?

  • Taming the Tainted Tongue
  • :
    . I think this chapter may have been written with the likes of females like me in mind.

    The site also had some reviews of the book…
    She is a faithful guide, for she is a godly example.
    ~ Dr. R. C. Sproul, Jr., Pastor, Director of the Highlands Study Center, and most importantly, home schooling father of six

    In the face of our culture’s shameless enticement of young women to view their identity and worth only in terms of their sexuality, Stacy McDonald passionately challenges mothers and daughters together to return to a pure and gracious femininity for the God who made us uniquely for His glory.
    ~Tracy Klicka, wife of Sr. Counsel for HSLDA, Chris Klicka
    somehow I get the feeling this dudes wife would love it if we went back to the days when women “knew their place”

    We need young women who cherish their purity and desire to honor their parents through chaste behavior, speech, and dress. We need girls of character who cultivate their minds and emotions to reflect God’s design with joy, intelligence, and delight.
    ~ From the Foreword by Jennie Chancey


    WTF?? Okay I understand everyone has their own views when it comes to raising their kids… but why does this book scare me so? Is it the thought that these Jesus freaks want to take us back to the day when women were kept barefoot and pregnant, subservient to men? Is it the fact that they support intelligent design over evolution? Is it the fact that they give out chastity rings and abhor the teaching of sexual education, and birth control? Or is it the fact that these male dominated religions got Bush elected into office and if they had it their way a woman’s right to choose would be banned sending woman back to the days when abortions were done with wire hangers? Take your pick anyone of the above reasons is justification enough is you ask me.

    I have nothing against religion; in the right hands and with proper frame of mind it is a beautiful thing and it comforts and helps people deal with everything going on around them. My problem is when religion forgets its’ place and tries to sneak its’ way into schools, and government. When it tries to superimpose itself against the will of others. When it preaches descrimination against people who are different or when it tries to tell people how they should live, think or raise their children.My problem is when zealots take over and try to force feed it to you, they take something as beautiful as spiritual faith and turn it into the church of the poisioned mind. Somehow I don't think this is what Jesus,and the rest of the funky fresh Prophets had in mind when they preached the word of God so many centuries ago.

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    Posted by @ 5:57 PM
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    Chocolately good with a hint of strawberries...


    A few weeks ago I posted something about my friend and her refusal to leave her assholyish boyfriend. Well yesterday in between stuffing my face with everything but the seafood salad on the buffet table I spent the day listening to her talk about him. It seems he has a space page and refuses to acknowledge his relationship with her putting himself out there as single. Meanwhile the girl he is cheating on my friend with leaves him lovey dovey messages on his comment section. Sounds like a teenage soap opera doesn’t it?

    My friend was so outraged by this that she broke up with him and came over to give me the good news…wait, wait don’t break out the cheese and crackers yet! I didn’t expect it to last and neither should you. About an hour after the break up he calls her…the stress of the break up has triggered an asthma attack he needs to be taken to the hospital. My theory? The realization that he will now have to pay his own bills spooked him. My thoughts were “Beast get the fluck off the phone, suck on your inhaler and move onto your next victim!” Then he calls her up again….he’s going to kill himself!! If he had called me I would’ve recommended several methods he could’ve used, too bad he doesn’t have my number. Well the fact that he said he was going to kill himself brought her around and she got back together with him. I’d like to point out he felt well enough to attend a concert with the other chick while my friend got to stay home pouring her heart out to me and dealing with my smart ass remarks.

    Finally she tells me last night, I’m getting fed up with him.” You go girl!! Then she lays the big one on me, because you know it’s always the other girl’s fault that a man cheats it’s never everrrr the dude’s fault (cough..cough..bullsnit) “Mia”,she says,”until I see them together I am not going to believe it.” Dammit I knew it was too good to last! “Ahhhh I see, perhaps you would like 8x 10 glossies of them bumping ugly as well?” I respond. My mom heard me and gave me the raised eyebrow look, “Mia that was cruel, be nice….want some cake?” and left to get my grandfather some more pumpkin pie.

    At that point all the turkey I’d eaten started kicking in and I was feeling tired and in need of a serious nap… I felt it was time for a dose of reality…plus my mom was in the kitchen so I was safe from the raised eyebrow… “Look babe if that is you’re attitude then whatever happens from here on whatever he crap he throws your way you deserve and don’t have a right to complain.” She seemed shocked at my attitude and told me you’re tired of hearing all of this aren’t you…” “Nah man it’s not that. You’re a fantastic person and don’t deserve this crap, but if you’re not willing to make the change then why keep advertising the fact that he’s a jerk? You’re only making yourself look stupid. You’re not even coming across as a victim. You’re coming across as a world class sucker. You really should start seeing other people; keep your options open because these days you seem to be spending more time with me than with him. Meanwhile he’s whooping it up with the other chick.”

    “I can’t cheat on him!” “Ohhh I see because he is so faithful to you okay I got it….” Just then my mom and her raised eyebrow came in waving a piece of her chocolate cake in front of me; and like a deer caught in the headlights I was distracted. My friend was momentarily saved from anymore of my wise ass remarks at the expense of my waistline…God I love Thanksgiving! It’s the onetime of year when stuffing my face with chocolate cake is a good thing…it saves someone’s ego from being bruised. It’s the one time of year when swallowing my words doesn’t leave a bitter taste in my mouth…it actually tastes chocolately good with a hint of strawberries.

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    Posted by @ 1:31 PM
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    Wednesday, November 23, 2005

    Happy Thanksgiving...


    Tomorrow is Thanksgiving out here in my corner of the world and as usual we’ll spend it with our family and friends. I realize not everyone celebrates thanksgiving but in my family it’s a pretty big thing. We’re not celebrating the pilgrims landing in America and giving the Indians the big ol’ finger. In my house thanksgiving is the pre game warm up for Christmas and we all get pretty excited about it.

    All the activity starts about a week before Thanksgiving. Curtains get changed, little festive knick knacks start popping up all over the house on the mantel, in the china cabinet. My father starts stocking up the pantry all excited at the thought of cooking for friends and family. He loves to cook for us all. My mom starts to finalize the dinner and desert menu every year she says she’s going to make less variety of foods but every year something new gets added to the menu.

    On the day before thanksgiving our kitchen is always hectic. Tonight we’ll have take out because there is no room to cook tonight’s meal while preparing for tomorrow’s. Already the food preparations have begun my mother has peeled and boiled 10 lbs of potatoes for my dad’s holiday potato salad. Everyone loves my dad’s potato salad and as the name implies it’s only made on holidays. It’s his own secret recipe even my mom doesn’t know the ingredients of the dressing everything else the potatoes, apple chunks, boiled eggs, onions, green peppers, and red peppers are identifiable still no one has ever been able to get him to divulge the ingredients of his dressing. When he gets home from work he will season the turkey and pork shoulders the way the our people have done since back in the day; coarse black pepper, garlic, olive oil, and assorted ingredients . The kitchen will be enveloped in the smell of the seasonings making all of us hungry.

    Everyone chips in to prepare the meal adding our own dishes here and there. As I write this my aunt-in-law is boiling octopus for her seafood salad…this is the only thing that she actually knows how to cook and she goes all out with it. My 8 yr old cousin learned how to make home made butter in school last week and my mom loved it so much she told him that that was his job this Thanksgiving to make butter for dinner. He’s really excited about this too. My mom even bought a special bowl to showcase his butter.

    Tonight while we all lay sleeping the kitchen will be turned into a bakery. The house will be filled with the sounds and aromas of my mother baking all night. The scent of pumpkin pie, sweet potato pie, pecan pie, bread pudding, peach cobbler, flan, chocolate mousse cake, arroz con dulce, tembleque, corn bread, and buttermilk biscuits will invade pleasantly invade our dreams making us all wake up hungry in the morning. If it’s a crappy day weather wise we’ll all stay in and watch the parade on television while my dad makes us breakfast. As a kid my absolute favorite part of the parade was the end when Santa Claus made his appearance because that’s when the count down to my birthday began.

    Once the parade is over my mother’s shift in the kitchen begins…and ours by that I mean the kids. It is our responsibility to take out the extra table and chairs as well as dessert table and set the dining room up and make sure the house is spotless. By 4 o’clock family and friends begin arriving… dinner is served at 6 pm and goes on for hours after that. Our table always reflects the various people and influences in our lives…. Traditional southern and Arab dishes alongside the traditional Boriqua dishes of my people all sharing the same table like an edible version of the UN.

    The company will be a mixture of friends and family and the occasional neighbor stopping in to wish us a happy Thanksgiving. My mom will not let them leave until they at least have dessert with us. At one point during dinner my grandfather will begin teasing my mother, his only daughter. He’ll purposely pick a dish that she made and compliment my father on it my dad will tell him that my mom made it and my grandfather will say, “ Nooooo, no Maggie can’t cook!” and it will lead into a story about my mom’s first attempt at cooking when she was 12 and how he and my uncle Joey were forced to eat the saltiest meatloaf and lumpiest mashed potatoes known to man to avoid hurting her feelings. Of course I’ll whip out the camera and being shooting photos of all gathered here while they are deep into conversation unaware that I’m watching them through my lens. I find those make the best pictures. After dinner everyone takes their dessert and spread out all over the house enjoying different activities the kids will play video games, some of the adults and teens will play dominoes. My parents hold court in the living room my dad channel surfing always looking for Mighty Joe Young while my mom talks with her friends never sitting too far from my father. Every now and then they’ll look at each other and smile. My dad will grab a passing kid and lay a kiss on them; my mom rubs her dad’s shoulders. It’s during times like these that I like to stand back, taking everything in. Thankful for my family and friends, thankful for the good times and the memories. Happy Thanksgiving to all.

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    Posted by @ 8:01 PM
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    Tuesday, November 22, 2005

    Who am I, what am I doing here?



    Have you ever questioned your existence your reason for being?
    Have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered,"Who am I, what am I doing here?” Lately I’ve been questioning what my purpose in life is. My friends seem to be interested in making huge piles of money and living the “I’m so rich I can wipe my ass with $1000.00 bills” type of life. That lifestyle doesn’t interest me. I look at people running around spending ridiculous amounts of money on designer clothing, bags… driving these luxury cars and I wonder what is the point of all of this? I look at a $1,300.00 bag in a catalogue and my minds wheels start turning thinking about how that money can help a child living in poverty here in the US or in a third world country. I see the rich and famous running off to other countries to adopt the latest accessory, a foreign baby,and wonder what about the countless kids in this country stuck in foster care waiting to be adopted, waiting to be loved.

    I’ve been having a bit of trouble getting to sleep lately, tossing and turning brain working on over time sort of thing. Last night I just couldn’t take it anymore and hopped out of bed and practically ran into the living room looking for my mom, I needed to talk to explain to her what’s going on with me.

    For the past few days a friend of mines has been trying to tell me that there is no money in the field I have chosen to make my career. She can’t seem to understand that I chose my field not for money but because I want to help children and teenagers. I feel that my purpose in this life time is not to be rich, but instead to help as many as I can. My mom understands where I’m coming from and tells me that as long as I’m happy doing what I do and feel that I am fulfilling my life’s goal then she and my dad will be happy for me.

    The reason I haven’t been able to sleep lately is that I have this idea in my head and as I’m trying to sleep the idea germinates and it’s just grown into gigantic proportions. The thing is I can see it clearly in my mind. I want to start a non-profit organization for kids being aged out of the foster care system. Too often these kids are left with nothing, and no place to go.

    My dream is to have a building as a hostel for these kids and provide the following on the premises : counseling, medical services, mentoring, college prep programs, housing assistance, rehab services, educational services, day care for students and working parents. These kids would be referred to us by ACS and social workers and would stay with us until we are able to find them their own housing. How am I going to accomplish this? I have no idea! I’m just starting the research on it now.

    As an infant I had several brushes with death, my heart stopped a couple of times and doctors told my parents I wouldn’t last out the week. I was even given last rites, that’s how certain doctors were that I was going to die. My identical twin didn’t survive yet I did and I feel I was given the gift of life for a reason I have a purpose in this world. Hopefully now that I’ve spoken about it and thrown it in the air and have realized that this is my destiny, that this is what fate has dictated to be my life’s path I now can get some sleep!

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    Posted by @ 1:20 AM
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    Monday, November 21, 2005

    Happy Birthday Jackie !


    My friend Jaclyn turned 23 yesterday and we celebrated it by having a party for her at a friends’ house. Reina and I schlepped all the way from El Bronx to Queens. This was the first time I was meeting this particular group of friends a group of fun lovin’ cool potheads. While Jackie and I totally love each other that’s not always the case with our friends but this group was mellow and fun. Except for the one dude who kept giving me and Reina the evil eye. He was grilling us as if we were plotting on the Queen Mum’s bottle cap collection. Sheesssh man back the hell off already your freaking eye is giving me the creeps!

    The funny thing was I kept grilling him back because he bore a freakish resemblance to the lead singer of Cold Play. Every time he looked at me I swear I could hear one particular song of Cold Play’s “Yellow” playing in the sound track of my mind. Reina and I have been best friends since we were 15 and to the consternation of some we spend way too much time together. We even go to the same school and take all of our classes together. The proof that we spend too much time together came when we left the party. As we were walking I turn to Reina and mention the guy that was grilling us and his resemblance to the Cold Play dude and Reina says."yeah dude every time he looked at me I kept hearing “Yellow”…" I told her, “Me too!” and she shrieked Reina does that when she finds something really funny she will let out an ear piercing shriek. After 7 years I’m used to it but it scares the jelly beans out of those who don’t know her. I love when she laughs she cracks me up.

    While at the party there was this one chubby girl who caught my eye. She was visibly pregnant and was sitting there in the midst of all these weed smokers blowing smoke in her face. I was shocked I felt that for the sake of her baby she should get her butt outta there. Then someone offered her a blunt and I was horrified that they would offer her smoke but like a good expectant mommy she turned it down. I kept staring at her belly wondering how many months she was. I turned to Jackie and asked her. That’s when she told me the chick wasn’t pregnant! I started giggling like an escaped Bellevue patient; I could barely breathe, and prayed that Reina wouldn’t start her shrieking. "Yooooo Jackie I was about to go up to that chick and ask her when she was due!!" We both agreed that it was a good thing I didn’t... oh man what a blunder that would have been! So not only did I get to see my friend on her special day and get grilled at by Cold Play but I also learned a valuable lesson just because a chick looks preggo it doesn't always mean that there's a baby on board so from now on I will keep my mouth shut! All in all it was a good saturday anytime you can watch a group of pot heads smoke themselves silly AND learn a lesson life is good.

    Side note to Jackie: You know how I feel about you heffa words can never truly express how grateful I am to be your midget and have you as my friend. I probably don’t tell you enough but then again you and I have never really needed words to express our love for each other. Happy 23rd birthday my heffa… I LOVE YOU.

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    Saturday, November 19, 2005

    Helloo oh oh oh Kitty!!


    A friend has this theory that the Japanese are obsessed with sex and to prove her point e-mailed me a site that sells some Japanese “gadgets”. Now I’m not one to judge if they are sexually obsessed or not BUT I can tell you this they sure have made my holiday shopping a lot easier…

    For that male co-worker who acts like he hasn’t been laid in a decade and seems to be ignorant about the company’s sexual harassment policy may I suggest….(Out of respect for my readers and for fear my mom will break my fingers if she sees me typing dirty words)...

    Vagina in a Can: At $7.50 a pop ( no pun intended) relief is kind of cheap maybe a six pack will calm the horny bastard down enough for him to lay off his female co-workers….

    Product Description from the site:
    A truly unique adult male sexual toy from Japan, this can best be described as Pussy in a Cup. Brimming with a jelly-lotion, this sponge is based on AV starlet Ai Nagase's genitals. Remove the top, and insert yourself into the cup and a soft, multi-ribbed sponge will greet you with pleasure. Massage your tension away. May be used as a one-shot or with a condom for multiple uses.

    Everyone knows at least one woman in their life that is always complaining about the lack of big O’s in their lives and inside every woman lives a little girl who is a Hello Kitty fan. For this reason the Japanese created The Hello Kitty vibrating shoulder massager (wink wink) for $ 139.00

    Product Description from the site:
    So whats all the Buzz about? The Genuine Sanrio Hello Kitty Vibrator represents Japanese Pop Culture at its Best! Looking for a really unique gift for someone? Or maybe you would just like a new toy for yourself :) This is the place to order the elusive Hello Kitty Vibrator !! All items are shipped from the U.S. for the fastest delivery. The Hello Kitty Vibrator is a true collector’s item. Featuring a powerfull, yet quiet motor, they measure in at almost 6 inches of pure pleasure :) They come complete with battery and display box as shown in the picture. These Hello Kitty Vibrators were made in limited numbers and according to Sanrio they will never be made again so order now !!


    Link to the site:Jlist.com

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    Posted by @ 5:30 PM
    3 comment from: Blogger Jane, Blogger Emory, Blogger Aisha,


    Friday, November 18, 2005

    Have You Ever... a story of first love..


    I once wrote here that my life is set to a soundtrack, music plays a very big role in my life. I hear a song and can tell you exactly what was going on in my life during that time and the significance that the song held for me. I was sitting at my computer battling a mini case of writer's block when the people next door blasted a song on their stereo I hadn’t heard in years. I was about to type something and my fingers froze in mid- air. My heart skipped a beat and I got a warm fuzzy feeling in my chest, despite myself I couldn’t help but smile.

    The song “Have You Ever” by Brandy took me back to the summer when I met him. Montero,the first boy to ever wrote me a love letter, the first boy who ever told me I was beautiful, the first boy to ever tell me I was talented and smart, the first boy to ever tell me he loved me, the first boy I ever loved.

    I was in my third year of high school when I met Joaquin Montero. He was a couple of years older than me and loved to tease me about my playing tennis in my timberland boots. He was a handsome soft spoken Chicano boy with a love for oldies and the heart of a romantic. In those days I was torn between being a lawyer and my childhood dream of being a veterinarian. Unable to get into our school's law program I was taking zoology classes in school instead and was planning on attending college in California. Slowly our friendship grew. He schooled me in all the stuff I was going to need before I moved out there and offered to take me under his wing when I started school in Cali. For months we were the best of friends sharing secrets, our culture and our love of music. I introduced him to System of a Down and Papa Roach he introduced me to Etta James and Martha and The Vandellas. Then summer ended and he had to go back home to Cali. I thought that that would be the end of our friendship but it wasn’t. We promised to stay in touch via letters, phone calls and the internet. Everyday after school Joaquin would wait for me online and we’d talk about my latest tennis match or whatever until it was time for him to leave to work. We’d even played a nightly game of e-mail Name That Tune. We’d e-mail each other partial lyrics from obscure songs, daring each other to figure out the song, year and artist. Sometimes he’d call me from Cali and we’d watch TV together, other times he’d sing to me. This went on for months.

    Then one day while on the phone he asked me if I had heard Brandy’s new album “Never Say Never” I hadn’t but that a friend had it. He told me to listen to one song in particular. “Have you Ever”… he dedicated that song to me. That day I happened to go shopping and picked up the CD. When I got home I listened to the track he specified….
    “Have you ever loved somebody so much
    It makes you cry
    Have you ever needed something so bad
    You can't sleep at night
    Have you ever tried the words
    But they don't come out right
    Have you ever, have you ever"


    I remember standing in my room looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, Me? He’s dedicating this to me?” This guy who had countless females throwing themselves at him was actually dedicating this song to me?! I stared at my reflection not being able to see what it was that he saw in me. I wasn’t sure if he was playing a sadistic game with me or not like they did with "Carrie" in the movie. I kept expecting a bucket of blood to magically appear out of thin air and cover me in pigs blood.

    I was the girl that no one noticed. I was the one wearing jeans several sizes too big, baggy shirts… with my hair always in a ponytail and baseball cap pulled down low. I had seen the type of girls he was attracted to,I was the exact opposite. A couple of days went by before I heard from him.I figured okay now is when he’s going to tell me he was only playing, that he was drunk or he’d done it on a dare. He said none of that, instead he told me he had been too nervous to call, afraid of what I would tell him. He told me that he loved me and had for awhile and couldn’t keep it to himself anymore.

    At the time I didn’t feel the same way about him. I think part of that had to do with how I saw myself at that time in my life. He accepted my offer of friendship and never changed his way of being with me. He still called me “sunshine” and we talked everyday. He was even making plans on coming back to NYC on during winter break so we could hang out,and his family wanted me to fly out during the spring. However I was changing. Maybe it was the way that Joaquin saw me. He was the first boy to ever look beyond the tomboy façade. Maybe it was because I was a late bloomer, I had been one all my life but for what ever the reason that was the year I started changing…. I lost 85 lbs and as my body changed so did my style of dressing. I had a new confidence about myself.

    One day while on the phone with him it suddenly hit me… I loved him…I had actually fallen in love with him. Thinking that he'd gotten over his feelings I kept it to myself. Then one day we were talking about an up coming football game and he just blurted it out “ Sunshine, I love you”, "I uh love you too." I don’t know which one of us was more shocked. Life changed after that,he'd write me long letters planning out our future adventures…. My name was painted on the door of his low rider and his monster truck.Trust me to a cholo that's a sign of love! His mom was ecstatic over the change in him. Never having had an interest in college before, he enrolled himself in college night classes because he wanted me to be proud of him. Every night before I went to bed I’d find an email from him in my box like this one (yeah I saved it)…

    “Hey Sunshine!
    I want to remind you I love you. I just got back but these guys still have a lot of activity planned lol well I’ll see you tomorrow you have my heart with you to keep you company and I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I think I won you ! lol Well mami I’m going to go. I think we’re going bowling and guess what I didn’t catch any damn fish! These guys definitely go fishing just to have an excuse to drink lol but I’m not drinking or nothing or wait a minute these letters sorta do look funny..........no lol I’m not drinking lol and I’m not flirting with any girls or nothing as a matter of fact I’m so on the other side of that, that girls probably be thinking I’m gay lol but well if they only knew I found the best girl in the world huh well I love you and I wish you a good night since my heart is with you I’ll be with you too, I love you sweet dreams”


    I wish I could tell you we lived happily ever after but come on this is real life, not a Disney flick. Eventually the distance took its toll and I broke up with him. Not because I didn’t love him but because he didn’t trust me and without trust what is the point? We didn’t talk to each other for months after the breakup. It was an ugly one. Then one day out of the blue he came to mind and the very next day I heard from him. He had been thinking about me for awhile and needed to hear my voice is what he said. Slowly we rebuilt our friendship. By that time I was in college. My dreams of being a vet had changed and I had abandoned my dream of moving to Cali. I was studying psychology and attending a great school in New York. Eventually our conversations became less frequent. We had both moved on. He was dating someone and so was I. But the funny thing was that every so often he would pop into my head and I'd get this fuzzy feeling around my heart and like clock work I’d hear from him a few days later. “Sunshine I was thinking about you the other night wondering how everything was going…” his phone calls always began.Eventually they stopped.

    A year went by and one day he called to tell me he was engaged. I was genuinely happy for him even though my heart was a little tight when I congratulated him. After he got married his wife wasn’t too thrilled about him keeping in touch with me. I can’t say I blamed her, and I admired him for putting her feelings first. As we talked we both pretty much knew this was it, the end of our friendship. I remember him giving me this big speech, about how proud he was of me and joking around that it was as if we were breaking up all over again. It was a bitter sweet conversation. There were no regrets, no hurt feelings; we both agreed that we were the best thing that had ever happened to each other as kids and we would always be a part of each others lives even if it was only in memories. “I gave you my heart years ago for safe keeping, and when you gave it back you kept a piece for yourself just like I kept a piece of yours. There’s no way we’re ever going to forget each other. I’m always going to love you sunshine." Just like that our friendship was over. I cried for days afterwards.

    Another year went by and one night in March I dreamt of him. It was a disturbing dream. He was calling out to me but it was really dark and there was water every where and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t find him. I remember a feeling of dread and intense cold. For days I couldn’t get him out of my mind. Everytime I thought of him I'd feel anxious. I had the nagging feeling that something was wrong with him. Days turned into weeks yet the feeling still lingered. I looked for his number but couldn’t find it; his email was no longer working. I thought about mailing him a letter but out of respect for his wife decided against it. Several months later I got an email from him saying he needed to talk to me; a mutual friend had given him my new email address after he had tried to call me but found my number had been changed. When we spoke it was if no time had passed.

    It turned out that he had been in a really bad car wreck back in March, his car had gone over a bridge into the water and he had almost died. He went on to say that when the car hit the water he called out my name and that his last concious thoughts had been of me. His wife told him he'd been mumbling my name the first few days he was in the hospital and after finding an old photo of me in his wallet she was less than happy. I was at a loss for words; my chest became so tight it was hard to breathe. He apologized to me for not trusting me and for giving me a hard time about the break up. I told him that I chose to define our relationship by the good times which far our weighed that one bad moment. As our conversation ended he told me, "Sunshine every time you have thought of me it’s because I am thinking of you, you know this right?” I told him that history seemed to be proving that theory to be true… and he told me “We have a bond so strong no one can ever touch it…but I made a commitment here." "I know Montero and that makes me respect you all the more." “Have You Ever…” remember that always sunshine, promise me.”, He said. I promise Montero I'll never forget."

    It’s been a couple of years since that last conversation and the past few weeks he’s been popping in and out of my mind as if he were playing peek a boo in my subconscious. When I heard the song the other day I decided okay it’s a sign and thought to myself, I get it Montero, I get it. I’m fine, I’m happy. I hope you’re doing good and are hella happy too. "Hella" was a Cali slang term he introduced me to and I’d throw it around when we were joking because he loved to hear me talk Cali slang in my NY accent. It made him crack up everytime I did it.

    In the moments when he pushes his way from my past into my present thoughts I remember our last conversation and my promise to him to never forget “Have You Ever….”

    “Have you ever found the one
    You've dreamed of all your life
    You'd do anything to look in their eyes
    Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
    Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
    Have you ever closed your eyes and
    Dreamed that they were there
    And all you can do is wait for that day when they will care”

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    Posted by @ 11:34 PM
    4 comment from: Blogger cinnimon_girl, Blogger Steph, Blogger Obese Girl, Blogger Fouad,


    Tuesday, November 15, 2005

    God Warrior Bobble Head


    Marguerite Perrin poses with photo of her bobble head







    In an attempt to help people out with their holiday shopping I bring to your attention The talking God Warrior Bobble Head Doll, it’s being auctioned on Ebay. It’s one of a kind and custom made. It says the following phrases from her infamous melt down:

    •I don't want someone with tainted... anything in beliefs, doing anything with my family!

    •Darksided!

    •Their entire house is darksided too!

    •Everything's un-Godly!

    •Gargoyles!... Psychics!

    •Get the hell out of my house- in Jesus' name I pray!

    •GET OUT!

    •I give it up to God I'm a GOD WARRIOR!

    •She's not a CHRISTIANUH!

    •She was tampering in darksided stuff!

    •This is tainted- I don't want it. Whatever it is, it's tainted!

    •I want nothing. I want my God and I want my family!

    •I want NO Money!

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    Posted by @ 4:15 PM
    4 comment from: Blogger Aisha, Blogger Mia, Blogger Jane, Blogger Emory,


    I am the warrior...


    Last week I was home sick with the flu and a promo for “Trading Spouses” caught my eye. Maybe it was the fact I was high on Nyquil but the Christian lady (Marguerite Perrin) rebuking in the name of “Jaysuz “ made me want to watch the show and I HATE reality television. But anytime I can mock a religious zealot from my sick bed while zooted up on Nyquil is a happy day for me. Sadly the medicine kicked in and I fell asleep and missed the show. However it seems everybody that I know watched the show and was talking about it. Curiosity got the best of me and I turned to the internet to find a clip of the show. After viewing a clip of the show all I can say is WTF?! That woman was scary, her gap toothed bug eyed religion inspired rants made my uterus drop!

    For those who didn't see it; the premise behind the episode was that an ultra Christian freak from Louisiana (as if Louisiana hasn’t suffered enough with Katrina ) Marquerite Perrin. I get the feeling Marge voted for Bush and watches the 700 Club. Marge trades families with a New Age astrologer Jeanne D’Amico-Flisher from Massachusetts and it’s all down hill from there.

    According to people who watched the entire show astrologer Jeanne D’Amico-Flisher was a really sweet lady while the Christian lady seemed to be possessed by the spirit of Pat Robertson. It seemed Perrin didn’t have her WWJD (What Would Jesus Do) thinking cap on and had major drama dealing with the family's New Age beliefs yet she remained …Marge spent the episode alternating between hysterical crying and shouting and cursing the "ungodly" D’Amico-Flisher clan. Hmm i'm sure she had 50,000 reasons for toughing it out. At the end of the show each mom gives her new family $ 50,000 and allocates how it is spent. Personally I think the Perrin kids are going to need it for some therapy when they leave that psycho-christian's house. Yup she’s a good CHRISTIAN-NUHHH woman.

    The highlight of the episode is what happens when Mrs. Perrin returned home. Instead of being all happy about seeing her family she has a nuclear melt down.In a dramatic 6 minute plus moment she rebukes the money in the name of the lord and attempts to kick out non-Christian crew members out of her house. Lets be real now you know damn well that heffa was taking the money once she regained her sanity.

    Frankly her rant scared the jelly beans outta me and her family. Her kids were crying and her husband seemed to be regretting not running away from home with the kids when he had the chance to. At one point she seemed to be blaming her oldest child for what she went through with the “ungodly” family because she didn’t pray for her enough. WTF?! That woman is crazy I cannot say that enough CRAZY!
    I wonder if Pat Robertson knows about this chick they'd make a great team. I thought she was going to start talking in tongues and pulling out snakes out of her bra during the show. She kept yelling “I am the warrior!” and I kept expecting her to pound on her chest and break out into the chorus of the Scandal song by the same name “Shootin' at the walls of heartache, bang, bang, I am the warrior,Well I am the warrior”

    Here’s the video for your viewing pleasure… You've been warned!

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    Oh yeah and for your listening pleasure check out the audio file Crazy Cube mixed her rant to music...

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    Posted by @ 12:04 AM
    2 comment from: Blogger Aisha, Blogger Fouad,


    Monday, November 14, 2005

    Update on:Abdal Karim

    I read on Egytian Sand Monkey's blog that Abdal Karim, the egyptian blogger whose arrest sent waves of protest through the blogging community was released yesterday. Fantastic!

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    Posted by @ 8:24 PM
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    The National Toy Hall of Fame...


    Did you know there was such a thing as The National Toy Hall of Fame? I didn't,but what the heck, toys bring so much joy into our lives they deserve some recognition. I remember a particular favorite of mine being a piano made of wood.I would drag the piano out into the living room every night and play for my parents and their friends. My mom would set a wine glass on the piano and my dad and his friends would drop money into it. Hey somebody had to earn candy money!

    On Friday the cardboard box was inducted into the hall of fame taking its place along Mr. Potato Head, Lincoln Logs, Play-Doh and the Slinky. As a kid I had a room full of toys but my favorite stuff to play with were cardboard boxes. To a child a cardboard box is the most versatile toy one can own and if it’s a huge box the kind you can fit into, jackpot! It’s like hitting the lottery for a kid. It could be a club house or a rocket ship one minute and a race car the next. I’d pretend to be a pirate sailing the seas with my favorite dolls as my crew. Many a time Rainbow Brite was made to walk the plank and Jem to swab the deck.

    Heaven for me was when my grandpa would bring me a couple of refrigerator or washing machine boxes from his job. He’d tape them up and build a castle for me cutting out windows and doors. I’d take out my crayola’s and markers and decorate my castle. It was the only time I could draw on a toy without recrimination.

    My cousin Jessica would always lock me in the tower with my pink elephant Miss Cuddly for company while she went off to hunt dragons. Specifically my giant stuffed dragon "Puff". She’d also capture unicorns and tie them to my Get Along Gang tricycle behind the castle. I’d pretend that my fairy godmother, who looked a lot like Glenda the Good Witch from the Wizard of Oz, would come and release me and Miss Cuddly from the tower. Then we’d sneak down and release the unicorns. I never let Jessie slay Puff because he was a gentle dragon and prone to crying when he was scared. I’d always raid the medicine chest for Band-Aids (the “ouchless” kind) and patch up the boo- boos Jessie’s sword inflicted on him. After Jessica would go home, Puff, Miss Cuddly, and I would have some yogurt and watch the Muppet babies on TV from our castle until we’d get drowsy and start to suck our thumbs. Yeah I was a thumb sucker. It was always at this point that i'd be awakened by a friendly giant who looked just like my dad carrying us to our bed. Puff, Miss Cuddly and I would drift back into sleep looking for the fairies with the glittery wings living in the fairy kingdom mural my mom painted on the ceiling.

    When we’d awake the next morning our castle would be gone. Overnight it had been transformed into a space ship and was scheduled for lift off after I had my breakfast. I’d play with the boxes until they basically fell apart and duct tape couldn’t help them anymore. It was only when my mom threw them out that I would go back to playing with store bought toys. Thinking about it yeah I guess something that lends itself to a child’s imagination the way cardboard boxes do deserves to be in the toy hall of fame even if technically it’s not really a toy. By the way, Puff flew away to his kingdom when we moved to our new place in Manhattan. Mom said the city was no place for a dragon and that Puff had been losing his stuffing and needed to retire but Miss Cuddly made the trip with us and still sleeps at the foot of my bed to this day.

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    Posted by @ 7:42 PM
    1 comment from: Blogger Emory,


    Set Adrift On Memory Bliss....


    I was watching VH1’s The 80’s in 3D last week and one of my guilty pleasure songs came on. You know that’s a song that you don’t wanna admit in public you like. These are usually songs that are played at the mall and Lite FM radio. Yet when you hear it you don’t change the station. It’s as if the song has a hold on you, people around you may be yelling. "Oh gawd no,quick change the station!” But you hold back and saying, “Chill I like this song". They look at you as if you have a third head and you think to yourself,"maybe I shouldn’t have said that out loud.” But nothing can change the fact you dig on the song and that’s what makes it a guilty pleasure.

    I have loads of guilty pleasure songs… but the one that specifically inspired this post was PM Dawn’s “Set Adrift on Memory Bliss”. Compared to today’s style of rapping the style is kind of awkward. The guy sounds like he’s breathing through his mouth and some of the lyrical content is corny:

    “Christina applegate, you gotta put me on.
    Guess who’s piece of the cake is jack gone?
    She broke her wishbone and wished for a sign.
    I told her whispers in my heart were fine.
    What did she think she could do?
    I feel for her, I really do.
    And I stared at the ring finger on her hand,
    I wanted her to be a big pm dawn fan,
    But I had to put her right back with the rest.
    That’s the way it goes, I guess.

    Baby you send me...
    Set adrift on memory bliss of you”

    Oh man… but the hook! The hook of the song is just fantastic! It’s a combo of the sampled Spandau Ballet song “True” and the vocalization of PM Dawn... it gets me everytime. The thing is I never really liked “True” it was the song’s hook that drew me to it as well. Inspired by this song I decided to ask people about their “guilty pleasure songs”…… a few of them cracked up when I told them that PM Dawn was the inspiration behind my question… but they all admitted to liking the song as well and added the following to the mix:

  • I’m on High ( Ducan Shiek)

  • I’m only Human (Human League)

  • Unchained Melody (Righteous Brothers)

  • Fantasy and Reasons (Earth , Wind, and Fire)

  • Man in the Mirror (Michael Jackson)

  • I believe I Can Fly (R.Kelly)

  • Ice Ice baby (Vanilla Ice)

  • The Macarena (Los Del Rios), I almost slapped my friend for that one…

  • Informer (Snow)

  • Too Sexy (Right Said Fred)

  • Too Legit to Quit (MC Hammer)

  • I’ve Been to Paradise but I’ve Never Been to Me (Charlene)


  • From my personal list I also added Rock Me Amadeus (Falco) as a bonus. I even have it as a ring tone… mock me if you will I got no shame, what can I say? From a conversation with Jackie my mom got I Believe Love is The Answer (Blessed Union of Souls), I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me (Rockwell) and my mom offered up Saturday Night and Don’t Stop The Music (Bay City Rollers) as her guilty pleasure songs. Bay City Rollers? WTF?! Say it ain’t so woman, say it ain’t so!

    Here’s the tune that inspired today’s post… enjoy….


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    Posted by @ 12:00 PM
    8 comment from: Blogger Emory, Blogger Jane, Blogger Angel, Blogger Mia, Blogger Angel, Blogger Mia, Blogger Angel, Blogger Mia,


    Saturday, November 12, 2005

    The big hamster wheel in the sky...


    A few weeks ago I wrote about the impending death of my father’s geriatric hamster Stuart Little II and how the thought of him passing on saddened me. For a minute there he seemed to be doing better, then he took a turn for the worse. Last week he tipped over a few times and was screeching when we helped him up. I knew he had to be in some sort of pain. We were told than other than euthanizing him there was nothing to do except just to make him comfortable. I moved his food and water closer to the spot where sleeps in so he wouldn’t have to make the long walk to his food.

    This morning I tapped on his cage and he looked up, “Hiya Stuey!” I said and he shuffled over to where I was. Looking up at me with his big eyes, waiting for me to take him out and pet him as I usually do. I sensed something was going on with him, his eyes seemed different. Instead I just stuck my finger in his cage and stroked his fur. He tipped over and screeched, struggling to get up. I picked him up and laid him gently on his bed; a white piece of terry cloth that he always wraps himself up in. As I stroked him he just stared at me sniffing my hand a few times.
    I told him, “Stuey if you’re tired and want to leave go ahead. You’ve been a good hamster you can rest now.” My siblings and aunt- in- law stood by laughing at my death speech. Someone even said, “Go into the light, Stuey go into the light!”

    My mom told them to leave me alone and she rubbed my shoulders, the woman understands the sensitive side of me. I knew he was dying, and didn’t want him to be alone. Maybe he understood, maybe he didn’t . I have no way of knowing; all I knew was that it felt wrong somehow to just leave him there in his cage all alone as he slipped away. I watched over him for awhile as his breathing became shallow, my eyes filling up with tears. I continued to stroke his fur and pulled his blanket around him, and he snuggled deeper into it . He then turned his head towards me and as I stroked him under his chin he took one last breath and drifted off towards the big hamster wheel in the sky.

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    Posted by @ 8:45 PM
    6 comment from: Blogger Aisha, Blogger Spontaneousnessity, Blogger Charlotte, Blogger Emory, Blogger Jane, Blogger YS,


    Friday, November 11, 2005

    Robertson strikes again...


    Oh my Christmas has come early for me! This is the second time in a week that Pat Robertson has said something that has made me say WTF?! I’m sure he says “WTF?!” inducing things more often than that but it’s the second time this week that it’s made headlines. Check this out, Pat Robertson told the citizens of a Pennsylvania town that they had rejected God by voting their school board out of office for supporting "intelligent design" and warned them on Thursday not to be surprised if disaster struck. WTF?! Is Robertson threatening the good people of Pennsylvania?! Sounds like a threat to me! Who does he think he is Tony Soprano?!

    ”I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected Him from your city," Robertson said on his daily television show broadcast from Virginia, "The 700 Club." WFT?! First FEMA proves to be incompetent and now Robertson is telling us we can’t count on the good lord in our time of need?! "And don't wonder why He hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for His help because he might not be there," he said. Yeah Dover, take that!! WTF were you thinking?! Don’t you fear the wrath of Robertson errrr I mean God?!!

    As we all know Robertson, has a long record of apocalyptic warnings and provocative statements when angered. Last week he blamed the tornado in Kentucky on Warren Beatty and in 1998, Robertson warned the city of Orlando, Florida that it risked hurricanes, earthquakes and terrorist bombs after it allowed homosexual organizations to put up rainbow flags in support of sexual diversity. Can you imagine growing up with this guy as your dad and forgetting to do one of your chores? I can just hear him now,“Cindy, you wretched heathen! God will smite thee with painful boils for not cleaning your room today!!”, just then the room would turn pitch black, furniture would start shaking Robertson’s head would spin around 3 times lightning bolts shooting out of his ass. A swarm of flies would cover Cindy from head to toe and when Beelzebub sorry I meant Robertson finally commands them away poor Cindy would be shivering in pain, her ass covered in painful boils.

    Robertson needs some serious anger management. This man is always on a violent tip. Whatever happened to “love thy neighbor” and “turn the other cheek”? Last summer, he hit the headlines by calling for the assassination of leftist Venezuelan Present Hugo Chavez, one of President George W. Bush's most vocal international critics
    In voting on Tuesday, all eight Dover, Pennsylvania, school board members up for re-election lost their seats after trying to introduce "intelligent design" to high school science students as an alternative to the theory of evolution. I don’t know why Robertson seeing that he has all this pull just didn’t ask Jesus to rig the election.

    Supporters of intelligent design argue that certain forms in nature are too complex to have evolved through natural selection and must have been created by a "designer." Yeah it makes more sense that a white man with flaxen wavy hair looking a lot like actor Jeffery Hunter in “King of Kings” sitting on a throne surrounded by angels designed humans…yup it makes so much more sense than evolution. Opponents say it is the latest attempt by conservatives to introduce religion into the school science curriculum. The Dover case sparked a trial in federal court that gained nationwide attention after the school board was sued by parents backed by the American Civil Liberties Union. The board had ordered schools to read students a short statement in biology classes informing them that the theory of evolution is not established fact and that gaps exist in it; unlike the theory of design which is an established fact ever since God’s drawing pad was found in the Turkish mountains. They know that it was God’s because there was a gigantic golden pencil laying near it with the erasure on fire. It also had a list of things to do in 7 days and creation of the world was on the top written in gold.

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    Posted by @ 6:05 PM
    2 comment from: Blogger oleg, Blogger Emory,


    Let's NOT play the race card today...


    I think that the reason our country doesn’t have the drama that France has been going through is because minorities in this country don’t take crap from anyone. We’re united; we make the most of our rights. We protest, we petition and we elect officials that voice our concerns and fight for our causes. How ever I find that in these hypersensitive times people try to play the race card when there is no need to go there.

    A column in our local paper claimed that a racial divide is evident in the military. They supported their claim with the Pentagon’s own personnel records. The records track military recruitment by state, county, zip code and racial and ethnic group, even by high school. The Marines weren't included because they did not provide sufficient data to track recruits' place of residence.

    The national figures show that kids from low-income areas are far more likely to end up in the military. However I think that before blanket statements about the military’s racial composition are made it should be noted that 60 percent of enlisted personnel are white. Blacks make up about 22 percent and the number of Hispanic personnel as has increased 30 percent to 118,000 from 90,600. The military has become the most successfully integrated institution in American society. Whites, Hispanics and Blacks tend to seek out communications, intelligence, and the medical corps and other specialties in equal numbers. Blacks are 2 ½ times more likely to fill support or administrative roles while Hispanics and whites are 50% more likely to serve in the infantry, gun crews or their naval equivalent. These were the figures they gave for New York City for 2005, in my opinion these figures are flawed because they do not include all of the neighborhoods and boroughs of New York.







    Neighborhood Main racial & economic composition # Enlisted
    Manhattan: Upper East Side White
    richest 'hood in city
    3
    Manhattan: Upper WestSide Diverse
    Middle class - upper class
    12
    (9 Blk/Hisp/Asian
    & 3 White)
    Manhattan: East Harlem Hispanic & Black
    poor/middle/working class
    45
    South BronxHispanic & Black
    poor/working class
    116
    Queens: Elmhurst & CoronaImmigrants
    poor/middle/working class
    73
    Brooklyn: CanarsieWhite, Hispanic & lack
    working class
    6 Hsp & Blk
    0 white
    Queens: Howard Beach, & Little NeckWhite
    middle class
    7
    Queens: St. Albans & South Ozone ParkLargely Black
    working class/middle class
    51
    According to area politicians these numbers are the most convincing proof yet that the war without a compulsory draft has become a ghastly dividing line between rich and poor and black, Latino and white. WTF?! There is no need to play the race card today c’mon man! No one is kidnapping my brothers and sisters off the streets of NY and making them enlist! I am not in favor of the draft, not in favor of the war for that matter but as a New York Latina I understand the appeal of the military to my brothers and sisters. It’s a way out and a way to pay for college, a way to study careers they wouldn’t be able to afford out in the civilian world. There are some that would disagree with me. “Economics is not enough to explain those huge disparities”, Rep. Jose Serrano (D-South Bronx) and state Sen. David Paterson (D-Harlem) both said. I beg to differ; I almost joined up myself when I graduated HS before 9/11. The recruiters paint you this lovely picture…money for college… travel … perks up the ying yang. You sign up because you think you are going to have a better life than the one you’re leaving behind. Kids don’t think that they are going to die in a war. That crap happens to other people not to you. The recruiters sell you a dream to get you to sign up. For a lot of kid this is a way out. Some make it their career.

    Rangel, Paterson and Serrano charge that military recruiters have turned uncommonly aggressive at targeting black and Hispanic high school youth. "They're coming into the high schools of the South Bronx nearly every week," Serrano said, and "they're demanding contact information for students." WTF?! This has been going on forever and NOW is when Serrano wants to address it? I smell an election coming up.

    I don’t know what’s going on in the South Bronx I don’t live there. I’m over in the North-East Bronx and yeah I have noticed recruiters parked in the HS across the street like men on discount lap dance night at a strip club,but then again I go into white ‘hoods and see the same thing. Recruiters salivating, lined up looking at high school kids like pedophiles walking by school playgrounds during recess. If these representatives want to convince me that it’s a racial thing then show me the number of recruiters being sent out into neighborhood high schools. I want to see how many are being sent into predominantly minority schools and compare that to how many are being sent to predominantly white high schools.

    “If only our government worked as hard getting blacks and Hispanics into college as it does sending them to Iraq”, Serrano said. WTF?! This dude is tripping! If only this dude fought as hard and held press conferences when the state was raising our college tuition!! The reality is that here in New York; I find that the high schools especially in minority neighborhoods bend over backwards helping kids to get into colleges. I went to a HS with a 50 percent drop out rate, it’s considered one of the worst high schools in New York, Adlai E. Stevenson in the Bronx… go ahead look it up I’ll wait. Hello Latina college student from the ‘hood about to get her Bachelors ova’ here! We have programs up the wazoo! It’s on the kids to take the opportunity and run with it. If a kid doesn’t go to college and prefers to join the service that’s on his ass, he has his reasons. Between financial aid and grants there is no excuse to at least get a 2 yr degree, beyond that you’re going to have to go in debt if not covered by financial aid.

    Almost all of the peeps who graduated with me are in college today. The rest joined the military. The kids that I have known that have signed up for the army have done it for different reasons. Some weren’t too keen on going to college and their parents gave them an ultimatum either college,a full time job or the service. When they saw the job market for someone with no college they decided to go into the service. Some didn’t know what they wanted to do with their lives, others just wanted to get the fluck out and figure it along the way. Others came from dysfunctional families or foster homes and used the military as an escape. I wanted to go because I didn’t want my parents to go into debt to finance my education. It would have been different if I had wanted to be a secretary, but no I wanted to be a shrink and let me tell you it’s not cheap! The way it was presented to me it was a win- win situation. I could build a future for myself, travel and serve my country at the same time. Whoot ! Whoot!

    "The heaviest burden of war is being carried by less fortunate Americans," Rep. Charles Rangel (D-Harlem), a Korean War veteran, said at a news conference. I think that this has always been the case when it comes to war. This is nothing new. Rangel and other local Democratic leaders blasted a "racially insulting" campaign by the Pentagon to deliberately target poor and minority youth to counter falling enlistment numbers. "It's just not fair that the people that we ask to fight our wars are people who join the military because of economic conditions, because they have fewer options," said Rangel, who in the past has called for reinstating the draft. Racially insulting? If the draft was going on and we found that more minorities were being drafted than whites then we can throw the race card in, but these kids are signing up of their own accord for whatever reasons they might be. Are local “minority rich” high schools being targeted? I don’t think so … I think high schools period are being targeted. They are after the kids, it might be that they are more successful in getting minority kids to sign up but the end result is the same …the military needs fresh blood and it’s not like we’re seeing a rash of adults running to enlist into the services so what left? The kids, and it doesn’t matter what ‘hood they are coming from. The fact is today’s military has become a powerful magnet for Hispanics and Blacks, women in particular who now out number white women in the Army.

    Did they join up because they were brain washed by recruiters who chose to aggressively court them over their white counter parts? Na, I don’t think so. I think that when it comes to recruiting the military is an equal opportunity recruiter they don’t care what color the body is just as long as it’s willing to sign up. Instead of holding press conferences and throwing in a deck of race cards these officials should actually take the time to go into the schools and ask the kids why are they signing up and if it’s solely about economics do something to help them. Oh wait if they do that they can’t play the race card whenever an election is about to come up.

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    Thursday, November 10, 2005

    Hope is a 4 letter word...


    What is it about women that makes us cling to the hope and belief that jerk ass lovers are capable of change? Is it part of our DNA? We’ll stand by them through thick and thin all the while waiting on the next pile of manure to be dumped on us.

    We say,"that’s it no more I’ve had enough” only to come back when called. To forgive it all just because he gives us the standard,"Babe I know i'm messed up but I love you and I don't want to lose you." speech. Incidentally I believe that the speech is standard issued to them once puberty hits. It's a part of their DNA and set for time release.

    Once they start showing signs of having entered puberty the “I know I’m messed up speech but I love you so much” along with the “It’s me not you" speech are automatically released into their blood stream. The speeches then become embedded into the male subconscious, ready to be put into use when the right moment presents itself. Spewing out of the male’s mouth automatically and with such conviction that even the male is amazed! He never he knew he had these speeches in him. He didn’t even know he could be so articulate! He is shocked and amazed! He then files the speeches away in the file cabinet of his memory to be used over and over again in his life.

    I have a friend in school and she has one of those jerk ass unemployed and not even attempting to look for a job boy friend that uses her money like he’s earned it. I guess he figures why he should work when she is employed and well off and he can suck the life force out of her ass. He cheats on her, takes advantage of her kindness and love for him. But then it’s her that has to prove to him that she loves him etcra. You know the drill we all have at least one friend like this I call her the Pendeja (fool)

    Everyday I listen to her talk about her troubled relationship. Everyday I tell her dump him, you deserve better but does she listen? Nope. I’m sure there’s a bunch of issues and insecurities going on with her that we haven’t touched upon yet which make her cling to this bastard as if he were the last life preserver on a sinking ship.

    My best friend Reina has just gotten to the point that when the Pendeja starts to expound on her latest jerk ass boy friend drama Reina tunes her out and says,"I don’t care, I don’t want to hear it”. I’ll just sit there nodding my head listening to what she says and let her unburden herself. She needs someone to listen to her and I’ve been elected to fill that position.

    I am a very blunt person and prone to smart ass commentary. My friends know this and accept it, they even encourage it. However I know that not everyone can handle my bluntness and at times I have to tailor it to the individual. The Pendeja is one of those people you have to sugar coat things for. I’m not really good at that. I prefer to give it to you straight. So usually I will keep my smart ass comments to myself out of regard for her feelings. Not last night. I choose to blame it on the fact that I was tired and had been hearing the laundry list of complaints all day…and now she was “talking” about the same crap via the internet on my AIM … she was telling me that he had just called her after not hearing from him for several days to tell her he loved her and to remind her of all the things he does for her. WTF?! I quickly surmised his phone bill must be due and he needs money.


    Mia: What makes you thing he’s going to change?
    The Pendeja: HOPE

    Mia: (sigh) Well you know what? HOPE is a four letter word just like FUCK and he is FUCK…ing you over!

    The Pendeja: (dead silence)


    Just then Reina called me and I told her what I said, and she started laughing hysterically saying, "I bow down to you, I bow down to you!”

    I was in one of those stupid relationships for many years… although my ex makes her man seem like a king among princes. I walked away from the relationship out of respect for myself and never turned back. I can only hope that my friend one day opens her eyes and does the same because she deserves better. In the meantime she clings to that four letter word, “Hope”.

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    Wednesday, November 09, 2005

    Happy Fishes in London...



    Cocaine in the River Thames… No it’s not a song from the musical My Fair Crack Head: The Kate Moss Story…I read than Londoners are hitting the nose candy pretty hard something like 250,000 of them are toot tooting away. They snort 150,000 lines of the stuff every day. The problem is that so much cocaine is being used in London that traces of the stuff can be detected in the River Thames. Citing scientific research which it had commissioned, it said an estimated two kilograms of cocaine, or 80,000 lines, spill into the river every day after it has passed through users' bodies and sewage treatment plants. All of this makes for some happy London fish.

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    Women and Laughter...


    Three mice are sitting around getting drunk talking about how gansta’ they are…

    Mouse 1: Man I’m so gansta I eat rat poison for breakfast, lunch and dinner and I’m still here!

    Mouse 1 and 2: Ohhhhhh shit son that’s gangsta’, that’s gangsta!

    Mouse 2: That ain’t shit I’M so gansta I stick my hand in mouse traps snatch the cheese out and when the traps snap I shake ‘em off!

    Mouse 1 and 3: OHHH SHIZNIT!!! You got it son you got it THAT’S gangsta!!

    Just then the 3rd mouse got up to leave and the other 2 mice asked him, "Yo son where you going?"

    Mouse 3: I’m going home to fuck the cat.


    According to a recent study by Stanford University on women, men, and how their brains process jokes they found that for women a good laugh is like good sex, they appreciate it more because it is so unexpected. People I think we should be questioning why the hell they are spending money studying this.. but then that’s just me.

    "I don't know if women enjoy humor more, but they seem to appreciate a punch line more than men," said Allan Reiss, director of the university's Center for Interdisciplinary Brain Sciences Research.

    Women comics agree, “Women have been disappointed so consistently that when something hits them right, it really hits them right," said comedian Lisa Lampanelli. Comedienne Thea Vidale said, "women just need to laugh more than men."
    "I think women hear a joke better, just the way they appreciate the smell of a flower better than men," she said.

    Jamie Masada, owner of the Laugh Factory in New York and Los Angeles, agrees that women get more out of a joke "because they listen better."
    "Men are more aggressive and they want comics to prove they are funny," he said. "Women are more nurturing to the comedian and appreciate the humor more."
    The study used an MRI to monitor the brains of 10 men and 10 women watching a series of black-and-white cartoons with captions. "We tinkered with the captions to make some of them not funny," Reiss said. "Males expected things like cartoons to be funny more than women," he said. "What we found is that when women found a cartoon funny, the reward center area of their brains really lit up, much more so than the mens'."

    Maybe that’s why we live longer as well because we laugh more… shhhh Emory I can just imagine what you’re going to say!

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    Monday, November 07, 2005

    Pat Robertson soothsayer extraordinaire




    Yesterday Pat Robertson soothsayer extraordinaire declared that the tornado that struck Indiana and Kentucky at 2 a.m. Sunday as people slept, was God's way of expressing His anger at the actor Warren Beatty and his wife, Annette Bening for trying to disrupt yesterday's speech by Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger at a campaign rally in San Diego. "By choosing to disrupt this national event, these Hollywood elites have clearly invited God's wrath," Robertson said on "The 700 Club" on Sunday. "Is it any surprise that the Almighty chose to strike at a town on the opposite side of the country?"

    C’mon everybody say it with me, you know you want to: WTF?!

    So ummm if we go by Robertson’s logic does this mean if Madonna makes another one of her god awful movies Michigan be hit with an Earth Quake?

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    As predicted it got Le Fuglier in France...



    The other day when posting about the on going riots in France. I mentioned that I thought it was going to get fuglier (fucking uglier for those new to Mia language) and it has. A 61 yr old man has died of injuries sustained southern city of Toulouse. Reports indicate that he was beaten. The government has now deployed 9,500 police officers in an attempt to quell the rioting which has now spread to 300 towns. They are also imposing curfews wherever deemed necessary. Privately President Jacques Chirac has that France has failed to integrate the French-born children of Arab and black African immigrants in poor suburbs who have been participating in the violence, according to Latvian President Vaira Vike-Freiberga, who met with the French leader on Monday. She said Chirac “deplored the fact that in these neighborhoods there is a ghettoization of youths of African or North African origin” and recognized “the incapacity of French society to fully accept them.”

    The rest of Europe is now scared shitless that the rioting will spread. Cars were set ablaze outside Brussels' main train station and in a working class district of Berlin, although officials in Belgium and Germany on Monday sought to play down the risk of the kind of violence that France has experienced since Oct. 27th.
    Abdelkarim Carrasco, a leader of Spain's estimated 1 million-member Muslim community, said the French experience poses a key test for Europe.
    "Either Europe develops and supports the idea of a mixed culture, or Europe has no future," he said. "Europe has to learn from what the United States has done. It is a country that has taken in people from all over the world."

    German conservative told a reporter that what was going on in France would never happen in Germany because, “We don't have these gigantic high-rise projects that they have on the edges of French cities," he said. Schaeuble cautioned, however, that "we have to improve integration, particularly of young people. That means above all that they must master the German language." Yeah that's true that way they can say DISCRIMINATION in 2 languages. This past January Germany passed an immigration law making it mandatory for immigrant to take German Language courses as well as civics classes. The idea behind this is to make integrating into German society easier for all. Others are saying that the rioting in low-income Paris suburbs is proof that European immigration policies don't work. Heinz-Christian Strache, leader of Austria's rightist, xenophobic Freedom Party, called on Austrian leaders to stop immigration and implement integration measures that would prevent "French conditions" from emerging in his country. WTF?!

    Russian Communist Party chief Gennady Zyuganov said Russia could see similar rioting, "but on an even greater scale and with even more dramatic consequences."
    There's something to look forward to but at least this Zuganov is acknowledging that they have a problem unlike France who has sat around with it's fingers in brie for the past 40 yrs as the seeds of these riots were being planted. "When the makeup of the population changes so fundamentally during a short period of time, its new members cannot adapt overnight.” Excuse me 40 yrs is not over night. Then he continued to talk and just made me want to slap him silly for being such an idiot when he said, “ Many of those who became French citizens or who recently sought asylum envy the native population and want to solve everything quickly by resorting to violence." I don’t think it’s so much envy as it is the human condition that demands respect and equal treatment as evidenced by the civil rights movement in this country and the Watts riots. People get fed up and not everyone believes in the power of passive protest.

    The Swedish tabloid Expressen said in an editorial that the trouble in Paris is of an ”all-European relevance. We have difficulties accepting that people come to us from far away," the tabloid said. "It is like the humble staff at a luxury hotel would suddenly take up quarters with their richest habitues. They should know their places, a dark undercurrent in the collective European consciousness says."
    Turkish Premier Recep Tayyip Erdogan said France had ignored his calls for more tolerance, arguing that France's ban on head scarves in public schools triggered the riots. We've always told our friends in Europe that they should not lead to a clash of civilizations in order to prevent such incidents."

    "We should work for an alliance between civilizations. There is a great duty which falls on the Christian and Muslim world. Europe should have evaluated this," Erdogan said. "We said it. But France did not take it into account. It did not listen to us."

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    Sunday, November 06, 2005

    Le Roof, le roof, le roof is on fire….



    If you’ve been following the news you know that there is some serious drama going on in the ‘burbs of France. Paris' suburbs have been burning for 10 days now.
    The children of immigrants have snapped under decades of oppression and have basically gone ballistic. The revolts in the high-rise immigrant ghettos ringing the French capital have touched off rioting in the cities of Dijon, Marseilles and Rouen. So far, police have been ineffective in stopping the rioting and it is spreading across France and now has spread into Paris…
    “The urban unrest that triggered scores of arson attacks on vehicles, nursery schools and other targets from the Mediterranean to the German border reached Paris overnight, with police saying early Sunday that 13 cars were burned in the French capital. By 1 a.m., at least 607 vehicles - including those in Paris - were burned during the 10th night of violence, said Patrick Hamon, spokesman for the national police. The overall figures were expected to climb by daybreak, he added.
    The violence , originally concentrated in neighborhoods northeast of Paris with large immigrant populations - has spread across France, extending west to the rolling fields of Normandy and south to resort cities on the Mediterranean. Attacks were reported in Cannes and Nice. In the Normandy town of Evreux, arsonists burned at least 50 vehicles, part of a shopping center, a post office and two schools, Hamon said.”

    I read a really informative article in one of our local papers that basically broke down what was going on with a simple FAQ…

    1) Who are the rioters?
    They’re the children of Arab and black African immigrants and are Muslims in a country where the majority are white and Catholics. These immigrants helped rebuild France after WWII.

    2) Why are they so heated?
    Because they have suffered through decades of daily discrimination and prejudice in a mostly land of white Catholics. The unemployment rate is 30 % higher in ethnic 'hoods.

    3)Okay we know why they are pissed off, but wtf made these kids go off?
    Two teenagers, one of Tunisian origin and the other from sub-Saharan Africa, were electrocuted Oct. 27 as they hid in a power substation. Their families claim cops were chasing them. Police say it’s bull but it is being investigated.

    4) Why can’t the cops stop them?
    Because there’s more rioters than there are cops and to top if off the French police department has very few non white cops which in a case like this it would really be helpful if they had more minorities, this way the rioters could have someone that can relate to what they are feeling. As soon as the drama starts calming down in one ‘hood it picks up in another and with their police force outnumbered the cops have been forced to bring in the army troops. I think this is gonna get fuglier now.

    5) What about the parents/ people in the communities what are they doing?
    The elders of the community as well as Islamic leaders are trying to calm the rioters down but haven’t really been successful so far. These kids are on a mission.

    6)What's up with the French government?
    The first thing one of the French officials Interior Minister Nicolas Sarkozy did was to insult the rioters, he called them a “bunch of hoodlums” and then said that they were “perfectly organized” implying that this had been planned. That was a smart thing to do. It only pissed them off more and made the situation worse. Way to go genius! He has offered no proof and the influential Le Monde newspaper quoted cops who said "there is no Islamist invisible hand" behind the riots.

    7) Should the tourists be packing their bags and bouncing home?
    Well it is believed that as long as the tourists stay out of the ‘burbs they should be safe. However I think they do face some danger being that I just read that the riots were now moving into Paris. Here’s a tip if you’re a tourist. If you look out the window and see fire stay your ass in your hotel room. If you’re outside and someone starts rioting run, get your ass indoors. Our State Department issued a warning to Americans yesterday telling them not to go into the ‘burbs. But knowing human nature you know damn well some nosy ass person with a camera is going to be headed into the ‘burbs trying to get the most bang for their tourist franc.

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    Saturday, November 05, 2005

    The Great Wall of Mexico...


    Here’s another wtf story for the day. It seems that republicans want to build the Great Wall of The Guadalupe Hidalgo Treaty ( my name for it) along the US- Mexican border. The international border between Mexico and the United States runs from San Diego, California, and Tijuana, Baja California, in the west to Matamoros, Tamaulipas, and Brownsville, Texas, in the east. It traverses a variety of terrains, ranging from major urban areas to inhospitable deserts. From the border crossing at El Paso, Texas, and Ciudad Juárez, Chihuahua, to the east, it follows the course of the Rio Grande (Río Bravo del Norte) to the Gulf of Mexico; from the same binational conurbation westward to the Pacific Ocean, it crosses vast tracts of the Sonora and Chihuahua Deserts, the Colorado River Delta, and the northernmost tip of the Baja California Peninsula.

    Republican lawmakers have introduced a bill to build a 3,200 kilometer (2,000 mile) wall along the US border with Mexico to keep illegal immigrants out. The legislation aims to "create a border security fence from the Pacific Ocean to the Gulf of Mexico," said House of Representatives members Duncan Hunter of California and Virgil Goode of Virginia in a statement.

    The reason for the wall according to House Representatives is national security: "Prior to sept 11th 2002 , illegal immigration was considered a regional issue without national complications. We quickly learned on that day however that his is a national issue , affecting each and every American , not just those living in border communities like San Diego County.”

    Story Link: US Lawmakers want to build wall

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