Mia: Shaken Not Stirred

The true life stories of a NYC female.

Saturday, March 31, 2007

From The Makers of DUH!

My friend Nalini a non pet owner came over last night and was enthralled by my dog Cleo who was just a puppy the last time she’d seen her. She laid on her back offering Nalini her tummy to rub. As my friend petted her tummy something startled her, she jumped back and pointed to Cleo…

Nalini: What’s that?!

Mia: What’s what?

Nalini: THAT!
she was crooking her finger as if she had arthritis and was wagging it in the general direction of Cleo’s lower area. I was totally lost. My eyes followed her finger…

Mia: Oh that! That’s her “hoo ha”

Nalini: Her what?

Mia: Her vagina

Nalini: Dogs have vaginas?!

She sounded totally amazed and couldn’t stop staring it.

Nalini: I swear I never knew dogs have vaginas!

Mia: Are you serious?!

Nailini: Yeah!

Mia: Uh okay… only the girl dogs have vaginas by the way the boy dogs have penises… and when the mommy dog and the daddy dog love each other very much the daddy dog puts his penis into the vagina and that’s how puppies are made.

Nalini: I thought they did it through the back, through the butt.

Mia: Uh huh well just so you know they don’t. Well at least not the straight ones.

Nalini content with her newly acquired knowledge and went back to rubbing Cleo’s tummy when she felt something else…

Nalini: What’s that?!

Mia: What’s what?


I leaned in to see what she was talking about...as far as I knew Cleo only had one vagina so I couldn’t understand what had her so amped…

Mia: Ohhhh those are her nipples

Nalini: Dogs have nipples?!

My mom who had been watching television looked up and started laughing.

Mom:This blonde moment has been brought to you by the makers of DUH!

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Posted by @ 10:31 AM
1 comment from: Blogger DannieS72,

Thursday, March 29, 2007


Every family has one you know that one person who is the Rock of Gibraltar for the family, an unwavering tower of strength. Everyone goes to this person with their problems, dramas; they seek them out for advice.In my family that rock is my mother.
Last week mom got a call from her best friend my aunt Nora. During a routine check up the doctor had found a lump in my aunt’s breast. As soon as she got home she called my mom and told her what was going on….

Mom: It’s going to be okay pookie lips. This is just a scare. You’ve always had lumpy breasts. In fact I remember the first time I met you. I was like damn that bitch got some lumpy boobies.

Nora: Stupid. That’s why I called you I knew you’d make me laugh.

They talked about the tests that Nora would be having done in the following days.

Mom: Have you told Hassan yet?

Nora: Hassan?

Mom: Yea Hassan your husband.

Nora: No you know how he is he can’t handle shit. I haven’t told anyone I didn’t want to worry no one.

Mom: Oh yeah don’t worry no one by all means say nothing to anyone except the woman who HAD A STROKE. By all means don’t tell the healthy people nada just wait and tell the stroke victim.

and if on cue their comedy routine began…

Nora:Mags what will I do if they have to cut off my breast?

Mom:You will survive babe better to lose a breast than to lose you. Pookie lips it’s not like you have melons for breasts or if your livelihood depends on your breasts. You can’t make them twirl in circles. Thanks to you cutting out of stripper school and missing tassle twirling class we can’t make no money off of your boobies any how.

Nora: But Mags they kept making fun of my hijab!

Mom:Damn ignorant rednecks can’t they just accept a woman and her panuelo (head covering) why must they be so judgmental whyyyyyyy?!

Nora: I know right? Why couldn’t they accept a hijab wearing sister in tassle twirling class son? Why? Now my breast-es-ses might get cut off and I’ll never get the chance to learn how to twirl them.

Mom: They are not going to get cut off. Everything is going to be fine I can feel it. Plus let’s be real here anyway is anyone really going to notice if they are gone? I mean hello they are type small.

Nora: Shut up you just made me spit out my coffee! You talk like you’ve got big boobs! Hello I’ve been bra shopping with you lady!

Mom:Well at least I didn’t have to stuff my bra at Ronda’s wedding in order to fit into that dress. There was a massive shortage of toilet paper in the reception hall bathroom that night. I kept praying to God that no one had to take a dump otherwise we were in big trouble. We would have had to go into your bra. A bra I’d like to point out that already had sewn in padding.

Nora: Mags! Oh man my face hurts from laughing. You’re messed up you promised we’d never mention the bra incident again.

Mom: Yeah well desperate times babe desperate times.

Nora: Mags what if they say it’s cancer?

Mom: We’ll get a second opinion and take it from there. You know cancer is not an automatic death sentence anymore hun. It’s early in the game there is so much that can be done if it is cancer.

Nora: But what if Mags? What if they do have to remove the breast?

Mom: We’ll buy you some fake boobs…bigger better stronger and non lumpy. We will get you superhero boobies!

My mom got a call yesterday from my aunt the results of her biopsy were in. Nora was cancer free. When the call was over mom stayed at her desk unable to move she lowered her head and seemed to be praying. After a minute or so I heard sobbing. It was if a dam had busted open. I ran up to her, “Ma what’s wrong are you okay?” I asked. In between sobs she said, “Nora’s going to be okay. There’s no sign of cancer.”

Until that very moment it didn't occur to me to even think about how scared my mom must have been. Sometimes I forget she's human, I always think of her as a superhero. The entire time she had been joking around and carrying on with Nora she had kept her fear hidden because that’s what Nora needed. Nora needed someone to rescue her from her own fear and that person was my mom. When the call for help came in she put on her cape and came to the rescue.

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Posted by @ 9:11 AM
8 comment from: Blogger Louise, Blogger phoenix, Blogger christina/ohio, Blogger Mia, Blogger Mia, Blogger DannieS72, Blogger Jane, Anonymous Anonymous,

Monday, March 26, 2007

Career Choices

Have you ever wondered about what motivates a person in their choice of career other than the need to eat and pay bills?

I chose psychology because of my desire to help people. One of my friends wants to help people as well in her own special way. God Bless her we need more selfless people out there is all i'm saying. My friend wants to be a professional dominatrix. You know the leather wearing, whip wielding, paddle your butt bad boy no sex involved type of chick.

At first I was totally perplexed by her choice I always thought that a career like that was something you fell into not planned on. Plus in my opinion she didn't fit the criteria of what I thought a dominatrix would be like. She’s too sweet, too subservient but then again I don’t know her behind closed doors if ya get what I’m saying (wink wink). I still had my doubts about her ability to be a professional dominatrix and then I read how dominant or submissive a person is in their every day life is no real indication of what role they play when it comes to the twisted world of BDSM short for Bondage & discipline (B&D), Domination & submission (D&S) ,Sadism and masochism (or sadomasochism) (S&M). I learned something new and that's what life should be all about learning not judging. I'm assuming that once she's encased in leather from head to toe, riding crop in hand she'll be perfectly able to smack fire out of some middle-aged man's behind.

After telling me of her career goal she asked me to be her room mate. She had three bedrooms and two of them were empty. She planned on converting one into her "dungeon” and offered me the other one. I turned her down not because I’m a prude but because I know me and my temper. The penal system does not need yet another Hispanic serving jail time. Heaven forbid one of her customers would try something with me. Hell I wouldn’t need to step into a leather corset to whup him out. I’d do it in my Sponge Bob pj’s wearing the funky socks Dannie got me with a bat and for free no less.

In retrospect I guess being a dominatrix allows her to give back to the community of the human male. She can channel all of her pent up rage and really go off on some guy who wants to feel her wrath and will gladly fork over the dough for it. Maybe I should consider setting up a practice next door to her that way when she is done they can come over and we can discover the root of why they feel the need to be punished as I hand them a pillow to sit on.

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Posted by @ 11:02 AM
4 comment from: Blogger DannieS72, Blogger Mia, Blogger Aisha, Blogger Mia,

Saturday, March 24, 2007

I’m still not over the whole Teddy Ruxpin thing…

I’m starting to think that every generation toy manufacturers are hell bent on giving kids nightmares and scarring them for life. I guess it’s a survival of the fittest thing. The toys are prepping you for the adult world. When I was a kid “Teddy Ruxpin” was fodder for my nightmares. It’s a miracle I’m not in therapy right now thanks to that bear.

I was watching a kids channel with my 9 yr old cousin the other night when I was totally mesmerized by a commercial for talking Barbie. The thing that had me so flustered was that unlike the talking Barbie of 1968 that had a pull string on its back the new talking Barbie actually moved it’s mouth! Hark the Herald! WTF was that? I thought to myself. I felt a chill go up my spine. I couldn’t make myself look away… I wanted to cover my eyes…it was just like the Teddy Ruxpin episode when I was a kid. I wanted to run and hide. I couldn’t stop saying, “Oh my friggin’ gawd!” even after the commercial was over. My cousin then informed me that Barbie also has a dog that poops and a cat that urinates. WTF?! What has happened to my beloved Barbie?

When I was a kid I had my share of gross toys, but Barbie? Oh hellllll no Barbie never ever crossed that line. Even as a veterinarian she never cleaned up dog poop! I’m sure she had one of those no frills discount store fake Barbie doll assistants do that for her. We called them crack head Barbies when I was growing up. After my cousin told me about the pooping dog and the urinating cat Barbie of course I had to go to youtube and look them up. It turns out that it was Teresa, Barbie’s home girl that owned the peeing cat. Teresa’s cat looked like it was on steroids…that’s one huge ass cat. As a kid I had a lot of Teresa dolls as well because Teresa looked ethnic and my mom felt it important that I have a doll that “looked” like me. I can’t front the first time I saw a Teresa doll I was in shock, ay dios mio a doll that looks Latina! I was in heaven. My Teresa doll used to talk to Barbie in Spanish all the time. Many a time Barbie, Teresa and the rest of the crew sat down to a meal of arroz con pollo, and red beans in Barbie’s kitchen.

After watching the pooping dog and the peeing cat commercials I realized that as a kid I probably would have wanted the damn dolls. Not the talking one though because that heffa looks like it’s possessed. I’m still not over the whole Teddy Ruxpin thing…

Talking Barbie…

Barbie and her pooping dog…

Teresa and her peeing cat…

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Posted by @ 10:44 AM
7 comment from: Blogger christina/ohio, Blogger Mia, Anonymous Anonymous, Blogger Louise, Blogger DannieS72, Blogger Ritardo, Blogger Mia,

Wednesday, March 21, 2007


Four months ago my friend had a baby boy and I have been having a ball ever since playing “auntie” Mia. I see him a couple of times a week and it is heaven. As soon as he spots me he gets this look of recognition in his eyes and gives me the biggest smile. The closer I get to him the harder he starts kicking his feet and waving his arms it’s like he’s trying to get me to move faster with his actions. At the rate that he’s going I fully expect the kid to take off in flight one day, circle once or twice over his bassinet and make a perfect landing into my arms.

I usually take my time getting over to him never breaking eye contact and talking to him the whole time. By the time I’m reaching out for him he is giggling up a storm and even lets out a high pitch squeal here and there. I love that. It reminds me of dolphins for some reason. I love the look in his eyes when I hold him, the way he stares intently into my face while I talk to him smiling at me when I pause. I love the gales of laughter he rewards me with when I play with him. Spending time with him is almost like a spiritual thing. If only they could bottle that feeing the world would be so much nicer.

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Posted by @ 8:01 AM
9 comment from: Blogger christina/ohio, Blogger Mia, Blogger DannieS72, Blogger Mia, Blogger christina/ohio, Blogger Emory, Blogger Jane, Blogger Mia, Blogger Eunee,

Saturday, March 17, 2007

End of an Era

Growing up in a city as diverse as NYC means getting to join on a lot of multi-cultural partying and parades. There are little traditions that become identified with the holiday that really have nothing to do with the holiday itself but it becomes a part of city life…for example March in NYC means St. Patrick’s Day and ever since 1970 Mc Donald’s Shamrock Shakes. It was the one time a year thanks to “Uncle O’ Grimacy” the green triple thick vanilla/mint shakes were available.

Every year except this year that is, this year there is not one frigging Shamrock Shake to be found in NYC and guess who has a major craving one…my mother. She grew up on the frosty green goodness of the shamrock shake; it’s something she’s looked forward to every year since she was eight years old,the return of The Shamrock Shake. Alas there will be no triple thick Shamrock Shake for Maggie this year. It seems that the franchise operators of NYC voted not to carry them here despite the fact that NYC still has a significant Irish population. This in a city full of Mickey D’s that cater to their neighborhood’s demographics and tastes, this from a joint that still offers McVeggie Burgers and daily tempts the hand of borderline racial activists with the Lamb McSpicy and the Mc Rib.

Growing up in the late 60’s/70’s Mc Donald’s was a big thing for a Puerto Rican kid. First of all it was Gringo food therefore not something that was eaten very often. Second of all there were no Mickey D’s in the city. They were all located in the suburbs. So unless your family had a car and your parents were mad cool Mickey D’s was only a dream. My mom was luckier than most kids because her parents had a car and were mad cool so every now and they’d take the long drive into Mineola Long Island and take her to Mickey D’s. They had come to this country as little kids and had been raised here so they knew all about wanting to fit in with the gringos despite their parents desire to keep them from becoming Americanized. To an urban kid going to school on Monday and saying they had gone to Mc Donald’s over the weekend was a status symbol type of thing. Kids envied you even the kids in your own family.

In order to appreciate my mother's facination with Mc Donald's you'd have to understand something about her grandmother. My great-grandmother saw American food as unhealthy she said it had no substance. Remember my great-grandmother and her generation fed their kids and grandchildren as if they were going off to work in the coal mines. Still over the years she started giving in a little. Whenever mom and her cousins would clamor for hamburgers and shakes their abuela (grandmother) would make them hamburgers... Latino style. This involved some adobo seasoned chopped meat freshly grinded in her meat grinder, chopped green pepper, and onion cooked up in her ancient cast iron frying pan. She served it in between two slices of Wonder Bread with kosher pickles from the local deli. The milk shakes were always made of vanilla ice cream flavored with U-Bet flavored syrups if someone wanted a chocolate or strawberry shake. They also included a raw egg and wheat germ because the abuela insisted that if they were going to stuff themselves with that unhealthy gringo drink it at least should have some sort of nutritional value. It never tasted the same as Mickey D’s or the ones served at the diner but they loved their grandma for trying.

I started noticing a few years back that the Shamrock shakes were becoming an endangered species in New York. Not one Mickey D’s in my ‘hood carried them anymore despite their popularity with mom's generation. As a matter of fact none of the Mc Donald's in The Bronx carried them anymore. My dad had to venture into El Barrio in Manhattan to this one Mickey D’s on 3rd avenue for the damn shake. This year however my dad couldn’t locate one for mom. The nearest Mickey D’s that carries the Shamrock Shake to us is 3 hours away. My dad wants her to have her shake so he offered to make mom one today, he claims to have the recipe for the shamrock shake and that it tastes like the real thing. Ma just smiled at him and declined his offer. She said it wouldn’t be the same watching the St. Patrick’s Day Parade with a home made mint shake. I guess it's the end of an era for mom, a connection to her childhood has been severed.

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Posted by @ 2:35 AM
9 comment from: Blogger christina/ohio, Blogger AMANDA, Blogger DannieS72, Blogger Ritardo, Blogger Emory, Blogger Mia, Blogger Mia, Anonymous Harry L, Blogger Mia,

Thursday, March 15, 2007

PSA: Herpes

I’d like to do a PSA people… you know me I’ve always been civically minded I’ve told celebs to put on underwear before leaving their homes even taught a few how to get out of a car properly while wearing a short skirt. However this sign I saw posted in the street recently reminded me that some peeps need to be educated when it comes to the prevention of STD’s.

The sign sure is funny ain’t it? Sure it is unless you’re the one with the raging herpes. You know no matter how cool and fun those Valtrex commercials make it seems with the white water rafting, mountain climbing, horseback riding with the hot guy/chick. Herpes from what I hear is not fun at all. Herpes is like being in a gang once you down with it you’re down for life ese!

Spring is coming up and you know what that means hormones start flaring up and you may find yourself doing the horizontal mambo with that special someone or the flavor of the week and if you’ve got a touch of the freak in you you’ll be doing oh so much more. No judgments here buddy go for yours live and let live is my motto. just keep it safe! After all you wouldn’t go sky diving without a parachute would ya? If abstinence is not your thing for the love of a disease free life use condoms! We’re not even going to get into the importance of preventing HIV and the cornucopia of other STD’s waiting to frazzle your privates! By the way that condom advice goes for oral sex too. You know them suckers do come in flavors for a reason buddy!

This has been Mia with a PSA trying to keep y’all disease free in 2007.

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Posted by @ 11:54 AM
4 comment from: Blogger christina/ohio, Blogger Natalia, Blogger DannieS72, Blogger Mia,

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

A few WTF moments

I’ve had a few WTF moments these past few weeks but these are the ones I just haven't been able to shake….

WTF?! Politics

Way back in the days when it came out that Monica Lewinsky had played goddess on her knees for President Clinton Good ol’ eye of newt was demanding Clinton’s testicles on a silver platter ….along with his resignation from the presidency. Now it comes out that Newt Gingrich himself was having an affair at the same time. WTF?!!! Newt found someone willing to bang him…for free?! Get the heck outta here! Gimme a second here, the whole mental image is giving me the dry heaves.

Newt is claiming that Clinton wasn’t wrong for having the affair he was wrong for lying about it. WTF?! Ahem ‘scuse to me Newt but I don’t recall you offering up your adulterous history while attempting to run Clinton out of town. Isn’t the sin of omission just as bad as lying about something ?

Personally I don’t give 2 hoots and a condom as to who our political leaders married or not are boning while in office. That’s between them and their significant others. As long as they are not laying in bed with hostile nations all is good. Wait I take that back maybe a little lovin’ between the sheets would make everyone less hostile. This whole Iraq war couldn’t have been avoided if there had been some broke back mountain style of lovin’ between Bush and Hussein.

WTF?! Fashion

$42K Louis Vuttion Tribute Patchwork Bag

$38K Bag

Luis Vuttion presents the FRANKENBAG! Actually this hideous thing is called the Patch Work Tribute Bag… which is code for "Pick up the scraps from the floor Mario we can use them later!" The bag looks like something my little sister an aspiring designer by the way threw together when she was learning to sew in 2nd grade.

It’s made of 15 different patterns from previous Vuttion collections all sewed up, glued and morphed into one Franken bag. (Cue the villagers with the pitchforks and fire) The Frankenbag costs 42 thousand dollars…and it’s equally hideous sibling is 38 thousand. Supposedly they’ve only made 24 of them and they are numbered hence the limited edition claim. The better to hunt them down and destroy them all if you ask me. Only four of them are being released in the USA, thank God for small miracles…after all haven't we suffered enough with the Anna Nicole thing?

This hideous monstrosity of a bag was designed by Marc Jacobs. The very same Marc Jacobs that just went into drug and alcohol rehab for the 2nd time. I’m pretty sure he was drunk and high as kite when he was designed this sucker. Jacobs following the trend of acting stupid in public and then hiding away did a slick thing … he debuted the frankenbag then bounced to rehab. Smart move! He can blame the frankenbag on his addiction! Kind of like Mel "Sugar Tits" Gibson and the gay meth loving minister oh yeah and that politico who couldn’t keep his thoughts clean around the congress teen pages.

WTF?! Civil Servants

Can someone please tell me why a NYC puppeteer makes more money than a NYC rookie cop? WTF?! Puppeteers working for the NYC Dept of Parks & Recreation makes $ 32,275 -50,242 a rookie cop makes $ 25,100. They both have full benefits and union. Someone please explain to me how this is right? The biggest risks a puppeteer faces are blisters, some tangled string and disgruntled kids. The biggest risks a cop faces are criminals with weapons and crappy shifts. Although I gotta admit you if you threw a marionette at a criminal’s head you could give them a wicked bump and if luck were really on your side at least one splinter. No offense to the puppet masters it takes skill to rock them strings however to make more money than a cop? Pfffftt that's just not right.


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Posted by @ 8:47 AM
8 comment from: Blogger Ritardo, Blogger DannieS72, Blogger Mia, Blogger Jane, Blogger Aisha, Blogger Mia, Blogger Ritardo, Blogger Emory,

Friday, March 09, 2007

10 Favorite Songs

Jane Had a wonderful “10 Favorite Songs” tag and you know me I love me some music. It was really hard to keep the list at 10 but these are some of the ones that came to mind. Check them out on the mp3…

1. Number 1 Crush- Garbage

2. Missing – Evanescence

3. Simple Kind of Life – No Doubt

4. Taste of Ink – The Used

5. Love Is A Feeling – The Darkness

6. The Space Between- Dave Matthews Band

7. Wicked Little Town- Hedwig and The Angry Inch Soundtrack

8. Origin of Love - Hedwig and The Angry Inch Soundtrack

9. My Place – Cold Play

10. Ghost of You – My Chemical Romance

Update: When I included the MP3 player here I forgot to program it so that it would start manually. It got to be annoying hearing the music everytime I logged on here so and I was too lazy to do over. If you'd like to hear the tracks please click here I've put the MP3 player in a separate entry.

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Posted by @ 9:23 PM
3 comment from: Blogger DannieS72, Blogger Jane, Blogger Mia,

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Bust a Move

Sometimes if you’re good I mean really good like Santa Claus “I deserve a red Corvette” type of good life hands you special moments like these...

My friend Guay, a neighbor and I entered my building last night tracking in slush due to the snow outside. We were all pretty proud of ourselves for having navigated the snow without incident. Just as we approached the elevator my friend slipped. In slow motion no less! “Nooooooooooo” I yelled, my neighbor looked horrified she ran for cover as if Guay was considering pulling her down with her. For her part Guay looked as if she was about to break dance. She had one leg crossed in front of the other her back slightly arched…one arm waving in the air the other arm behind her back. I backed up and looked at her and wondered WTF?! Is she challenging me to battle? Has she been watching Krush Kroove or Beat Street again?! I walked around her did a little free style dance move as she went down. I had a lot of time to dance the girl was going down slowly…. very slowly… she was going down so slow I had time to think and remark out loud about just how slow we was falling. Hell I had time to select a song on my mp3 player. Music to fall by….Planet Rock!

She landed on the on the cold marble floor in a reclining position, looking as if she were posing for the cover of a break dancing magazine. We looked at each other and burst out laughing. I guess my neighbor was embarrassed for her because she quickly ran up to my friend, “Quick get up! Get up before somebody sees you!!” Guay and I stared at each other for a quick second then at the lady and started laughing harder. The lady’s comment just killed us… Guay stayed on that floor for around 3 minutes because every time she tried to get up we would start laughing all over again. The lady looked at us as if were crazy the poor woman didn’t realize we have no shame not when it comes to stuff like this.

My stomach and facial muscles are still sore from all that laughing. Guay this one’s for you ‘cause this is the song I was singing while you were falling…

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Posted by @ 3:04 PM
1 comment from: Blogger DannieS72,

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

My Grandpa the smart ass...

I come from a long line of smart asses it runs on my mother’s side odds are pretty good that any child I have will also be a smart ass. It can’t be helped it is part of our DNA. To prove my point I present one of my favorite stories involving my maternal grandfather Raymond…

It was a really cold evening and my grandfather was out walking his dog Ralph.He had just turned the corner onto his block when he saw this huge pit bull taking a dump on the snow covered side walk. Once he was done the pit bull and his owner went along their way. Just as Ralph approached the steaming pile the building’s superintendent stuck his head out the window and called out to my grandfather. He pointed to the pile of dog mess in front of his building's entrance. “Hey Raymond did your dog just take that shit?” My grandfather looked up at him and held his pooper scooper in the air , “No, it was the dog that just turned the corner, some guy with a pit bull.”

The super looked around and since he didn’t see the pitbull grandpa was talking about decided that my grandfather was lying. “Raymond if your dog did that I’d appreciate you cleaning it up because then I’m stuck cleaning up dog shit and I don’t even own a dog.” Grandpa looked up at him and told him, “Look man I’ve got my pooper scooper right here. I’m waiting on this damn dog to do his thing so I can clean it up and go home.” Once again the super looked at my grandpa and told him, “I’m just saying clean it up. It’s not fair to me to have to clean it.”

My grandfather was now starting to get ticked off,"I don’t blame you for not wanting to clean it but I’m not going to clean up a mess my dog didn’t do." The super’s tone had now changed to down right nasty “Are you sure you’re dog didn’t do that? Because that pile of shit looks fresh, It’s still steaming.” Implying that if the pile had been there for awhile there would have been no steam rising off of it and therefore Ralph must have just done it.

Grandpa then went into smart ass mode, “and what does that mean? I’ve been out here walking for almost an hour” and with that he opened his mouth and blew out a gust of air made visible by the artic chill of the evening, “and look I’ve got steam coming out of me!” The super was at a loss for words. My grandfather and his dog continued their walk with no more talk from the super.

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Posted by @ 3:23 PM
3 comment from: Blogger DannieS72, Blogger Ritardo, Blogger christina/ohio,

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Sometimes a cucumber is just a cucumber...

My mom has a unique way of spreading her words of wisdom that will often leave us cracking up. We all get what she’s saying it’s just the way she phrases it is a killer. I call them “Maggie-isms” here are some of my favorite ones… and the inspiration behind them…

#1: “A true friend will tell you what you need to hear not just what you want to hear.”

As a teen I had a chunky friend notorious for wearing clothes a couple of sizes of too small. She dressed the size she had been once upon many pounds ago instead of the size she actually was. As a result she was prone to industrial size muffin top, camel toe, popping zippers, snapping bras and flying buttons not to mention jackets that wouldn’t close. There was no use trying to get her to wear appropriate sized clothing because she saw nothing wrong with what she wore.

One day while her zipper popped and almost took my eye out when it ricocheted across the room. As my mom tended to my eye she suggested a larger size to my friend which offended her. Mom then added, “A true friend will tell you what you need to hear not just what you want to hear.”

#2: “Sometimes a cucumber is just a cucumber and not a sex toy.”

A friend of my mothers felt insulted by a remark made to her by a mutual friend of theirs during breakfast. My mother felt that her friend was reading more into the remark than was necessary. The two women began arguing the wounded party turned to my mother and asked her for her opinion, “You know sometimes a cucumber is just a cucumber and not a sex toy.” said mom. The women were stunned and stared at my mom as if she had a 3rd head. My mom then clarified what she meant, “stop trying to make it into something that it’s not.”

3:"No matter how much Preparation H you put on an asshole, it`s still an asshole. It will never turn into a rose."

Several years ago I was in a relationship with a narcissist. My mom adored the guy but she often said while he was a sweet person he was a horrible boyfriend and that I really needed to walk away from him. My argument was that he really was trying to change and she replied, "No matter how much Preparation H you put on an asshole, it’s still an asshole. It will never turn into a rose." It was her way of telling me that no matter how hard I wished it or tried he was never going to change. She was right.

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Posted by @ 8:05 AM
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Sunday, March 04, 2007

The Widow

Mercedes the widow looked out her window anxiously awaiting the arrival of her home attendant. For the first time in weeks it wasn’t freezing outside, there was hope for spring’s return after all. It had been a little over a year since his departure… since she’d last looked upon his face, heard his voice. On Friday her heart felt heavier than usual it seemed as everything in the apartment caused an explosion of memories and an aching feeling in her heart. She even thought she had caught a whiff of his cologne several times.

They'd been together for over 50 years then Alzheimer’s gradually took him away from her. Eventually death finished the job and in the process managed to take a bit of her too. "It's only a matter of time before she is gone as well", people whispered after he'd been buried and in a way they were right. The vibrant playful woman with the dark sparkling eyes was gone. She had been replaced by "The Widow". The widow bore her broken heart with a quiet dignity for the world to see. Her pain was etched in her face, it lived in her eyes, it had become part of her voice.

As that Friday morning slipped away into the afternoon the widow commented to a visting friend that she felt ill. The friend expressed concern but the widow insisted she was fine, that her 89 year old heart had simply been overcome by memories. The truth of it was the widow didn’t look well. Her friend called for an ambulance and her family. As the home attendant paced back and forth waiting anxiously for the ambulance to arrive the widow reached for her friend and looked into her eyes, so much was said between them without uttering a word. They both knew what was happening. She asked that her stereo be turned on she wanted to hear music. They held hands and the widow listened as her friend shared her favorite childhood memories of the widow and her husband. A burst of afternoon sunshine lit up the room the sun beams streaked the room with colors shining through the crystal chimes hanging in front of the window. The sunlight that poured over the widow made her silver hair sparkle as if sprinkled with fairy dust.

When the paramedics arrived a gentle breeze circulated through the open door of the apartment carrying the sweet scent of the cherry scented disinfectant the porters had mopped the hallway floors with. The widow looked beyond her friend towards the window where the sun was coming in the brightest, she smiled, said his name and was gone. A cloud passed over the sun and the room that had been flooded with sunshine just minutes before became darker. It seemed fitting that Mozart's Pachabel Canon a song so often used in weddings as the soundtrack to the official beginning of a couple's life was playing in the background as Mercedes the widow drifted off to re-join Don Cristobal the man who had been the love of her life.

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Posted by @ 12:51 PM
2 comment from: Blogger DannieS72, Blogger Mia,

Friday, March 02, 2007

Papillona Sky's Monthly Post. A. No. Secret. Tag: March

It’s a new month and time for Papillona Sky’s monthly Post. A. No. Secret. Tag.

Here’s the run down:
1. Post it on your blog or just Email it to Papillona Sky.

2. Link it to POST.A.NO.SECRET blog.

3. Revealing your identity is optional

Be careful not to share any information you wouldn't want the world to see.

This is my POST.A.NO.SECRET contribution for March.

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Posted by @ 9:21 AM
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Thursday, March 01, 2007

Perfect Enunciation

When I got in last night mom was sitting at her desk phone in hand looking at it in disbelief. “You would not believe the conversation I just had,” she told me and went on to explain. A survey company had called her to get her opinion on a natural gas project proposed for the Long Island Sound.
As the survey came to an end the inevitable race and ethnicity category questions came up and that’s where it went bad…

Interviewer : Based on what I have just explained what race would you say that you are?

Mom :White

Interviewer : Latino, Hispanic, African-American...

Mom interrupted

Mom : Hispanic

Interviewer : You are?

Mom : Yes.

Interviewer : I never would have guessed!

Mom : Excuse me?

Interviewer : Well I just gotta say that your English is perfect!

Mom : I should hope so considering I was born and raised in this country.

The woman didn’t seem to hear my mother and went on….

Interviewer : You have perfect enunciation!

Mom :What?!

Interviewer : Your enunciation is perfect! You have absolutely no accent, not even a trace! Trust me I should know I’m from Texas. I would have never guessed you were Hispanic!

Mom : Wow, amazing. So let me get this straight according to you Texas is populated by people who can not enunciate properly. That explains President Bush, thanks for the info because I’ve always wondered why his speech was like that. Now I know it’s because he’s from Texas. Look lady whatever you do don’t ever take a job promoting tourism for your state.

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Posted by @ 8:42 AM
4 comment from: Blogger Cheeky, Blogger eshda3wa, Blogger DannieS72, Blogger Mia,