Mia: Shaken Not Stirred

The true life stories of a NYC female.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Commercial Break

My cell phone rang, it was my friend Ursula. It had been a couple of weeks since I’d seen her.

Me: Hey Ursula, what’s up?

Ursula: Listen, I’m not really in the mood to talk I’m watching this TV program.

Me: Oookay

Ursula: Next thing you know we’ll be blah blah blah and we’re yammering away on the phone all night and like I said I’m watching this program and don’t want to miss any of it.

Me: Uh huh

Ursula: So let’s cut to the chase…when am I going to see you? When are we going to hang out?

Me: Tomorrow?

Ursula: Ok, I’ll call you tomorrow morning to get the details. I might bring my boyfriend.

Me: Okay

Ursula: Bye

Me: Uh bye

When the call was over I stared at the phone for several seconds and broke out chuckling when I realized I had been a commercial break. Hopefully she multi-tasked and got herself a snack while she was on the phone.

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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Will The Graduates Please Stand?

At some point today,” Will the Graduates please stand?” will be heard echoing from the podium on my campus and the class of 2009 will rise as one.

To the class of 2009 I dedicate a quote by Thoreau, “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.” I’d also like to remind my graduating class to that it is our privilege to advocate for those who are unable to help themselves and that sometimes you have to risk your emotions in order to help. I hope that as you make your way into the real world you'll always remember that. I hope you'll remember what drew you to this profession and that you'll always be in love with it. Above all I hope you'll make a positive impact in this world.

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Saturday, May 23, 2009

Three Colorful Balloons

It was a Disney day, the pale blue sky was dotted with perfectly shaped clouds and birds were tweeting. Somehow because it was a Disney day and I was basking in the early morning sunshine on the train platform the wait for the metro-north during rush hour wasn’t so bad. Maybe it was something about the contented look on my face that had attracted his attention. Of course I was content! I’d had a great weekend and the absolute final paper of my life as an undergrad was secured in my book bag and the end of the school semester was a day away. Life was good!

I felt it before I saw it. I looked up. If it’s at all possible for a stare to have some weight on it then his stare was obese. From several feet away he stared. I looked to either side of me and then behind me. He was staring at me and I wasn’t ready for it, honestly I wasn’t.

I was being stared down at by a man in a clown suit and clown makeup as he held onto three brightly colored balloons. It was a Coulrophobic’s worse nightmare come true. My beloved Jackie with her fear of clowns would’ve pissed on herself. The commuters did their best not to stare at him; instead they stole sideway glances at him. I cursed the fact that I’d left my camera at home. I studied him from the top of his red curly wig to the shiny tip of his red leather clown shoes. I had to smile. He didn’t smile back he just continued to stare. He was giving me the creeps. I text messaged my supervisor at Legal Aid just in case …

Me: If I don’t come in to work today a man in a clown suit and make up kidnapped me while I was waiting for the metro north.

She: LMAO. I’m glad you’re coming in today I missed you.

Me: That’s sweet. I’m dead ass serious btw

She: Okay, can u tell what race / color? I’m thinking green, purple, or orange.

Me: He has a red 'fro with make-up like Ronald Mc Donald. God, this is like Stephen King's "It".

She: What does he want?

Me: I don’t know. He keeps staring at me and he’s holding 3 balloons.

She: Maybe he’s trying to figure out if you’re a kid or an adult so he can give one of them.

Me: Screw you.

My train pulled into the station and I lost him in the surge of commuters. Several minutes later I felt it again. The stare. I looked up and he was sitting across the aisle from me. He was still staring at me, still holding the balloons and he was still creeping me out. He stared at me during the entire 15 minute train ride. Finally my stop came up and I got off the train. As it pulled away I watched as he ducked his around the three colorful balloons and watched me walk down the platform.

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Wednesday, May 20, 2009

MacHalo Tour, Imagine

I’m a fan of a book series called “The Fever Series” by Karen Marie Moning. I joined the author’s message board and ended up catching the fever. I've even designed a couple of things for their zazzle site. See picture here and here.

The MacHalo, a prop from the last book is making a tour of the United States and abroad. It’s currently in NYC in my care and I’ve been walking around with my fellow Moning Maniacs taking pictures of the modified pink helmet. Last night I was at the John Lennon memorial in Central Park with some friends shooting some photos and renewed my membership in the Smart Ass Club of America.

As soon as I put the MacHalo down on the ground it attracted several tourists. My friend quickly explained about the MacHalo while I continued to take pictures. Pretty soon I was joined by other people taking pictures. They were under the impression that the MacHalo was part of the display.

I had packed up my camera and handed it to my friend when a young woman approached me,“I don’t get it.” She said as she stared at the MacHalo.

Those of you who know me in real life or via my blog already know that I have a twisted sense of humor and my mouth is pretty fast. Unfortunately the general public doesn’t realize this about me. That coupled with my dead pan delivery tends to make for some pretty funny situations.

I could’ve explained yet again to the female about the MacHalo being a prop from a comedic moment in the book but we’d already tried that and she didn’t seem to be able to wrap her head around it. What’s a smart ass female to do? I glanced over at my friends and shrugged. No way in hell could I pass this chance up! My friends nodded their heads at me in encouragement.

“The lights are symbolic of the souls that have been sacrificed in wars all over the world. It’s symbolic of how when even one life is lost a light goes out in universe. You know a soul with the potential to do good and make a difference in the world is gone.” I said.

The girl stared at me and then back at the MacHalo as if she were in awe. I decided to continue. “Imagine if these souls were still with us. Imagine all they could’ve accomplished and how the world would’ve been a brighter place just by them being here.”

A couple of people had wandered over during my speech and nodded their heads in agreement. I decided to go out balls to the wall. I swept my hand out towards the crowd and then the MacHalo.

“You may say that I’m a dreamer but I’m not the only one, I hope some day you’ll join us and the world will be as one. “ I said and pointed to the MacHalo.

My friends joined me in a reverent head bow and next thing you know the tourists went into a picture taking frenzy. When they were done I retrieved the MacHalo and walked out of the park without a word. They were none the wiser and my friends were snickering away.

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Friday, May 15, 2009

The Omnipotent Ones Were Just Waiting For Me To Let Down My Guard

For years my friends have teased me about how the oddest things always seem to happen when I’m around. We’ve been locked inside of an out door running track... stalked by an ankle humping Chihuahua... chased through the subways by a gang of angry looking ASL signing deaf mutes... followed by a giant Kotex with wings all over the village on Halloween. Lately things have been quiet. I thought that perhaps the pantheon of mischievous gods who’ve enjoyed messing with me felt I was no longer worthy of their attention. I was wrong. The omnipotent ones were just waiting for me to let down my guard.

As I walked past the man I heard him say something to me. Despite my headphones I’d heard him and I was knew he was talking to me because he was looking dead at me. I removed my headphones and he repeated what he’d said. Holy Monkey! At that exact moment one of my friends decided to text me.

She: What u doing?

Me: feels very disturbed with the vulgar message a looney told her while she passed by.

She: So now you’ve got my interest...lol what was the message?

Me: Let's just say it has something to do with licking a certain lady part lmao

She: Oh wow... what the hell? I'm sure u provoked it lmao j/k

Me: What? I had my headphones on I was like did I just hear right?
Riverdale is full of crazy people!!!!
Ughhh oh yea and while I'm waiting for the bus, dude lifts up his shirt rubs his belly meanwhile his fly was wide open!!!
I was like what the hell? Lol
I couldn't move anywhere I was at the damn bus stop! Lol

She: Lmao... sounds like u need some mace lol.
I see u haven't lost ur knack to attract the nutcases lol

Me: Please you take the cake!!
Remember that homeless guy with the bongos?
" IIIIII love you perup-pa-pa-pommmmm!!" Lmao

She: Naw that was the combination of the 3 of us lol

Me: Yea I loved how u left us behind! Lol

She: I just sped up, ur so dramatic lol

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Wednesday, May 13, 2009

XO...XO..Clark Kent

My eyes swept around the court room I was excited to be there. It was my first time in court as a forensic social worker and I got to sit in the lawyers section. Since court hadn’t began yet the court room was buzzing with conversation. Several feet in front of me a lawyer stood busily texting away on his blackberry. He glanced up at me realized I was on the job and smiled turning his attention back to his texting.

He was tall and dark haired, with a broad chest, strong square, flattering wire rimmed glasses perched on an aquiline nose, slight cleft in his chin, and bore an uncanny resemblance to Clark Kent. His resemblance to the fictional comic book character didn’t go unnoticed by my official unoffical supervisor.

Whatever he was texting seemed intense given the look on his face as he read his messages and responded. I nudged my official unofficial supervisor and began narrating Clark Kent’s messages. Well at least what I imagined him to be texting …

“Batman, my bad didn’t see bat signal from here.
No windows in court room.
X0 X0, Clark Kent”

My official unofficial supervisor giggled softly. Clark Kent frowned when Batman responded. He looked around and pounded the keys on his blackberry…

“Can’t save world, stuck in court.
No telephone booth to change in.
X0 X0, Clark Kent”

The next message came in quickly and Clark Kent seemed frustrated. I continued my narration with my official unofficial supervisor’s encouragement...

“Call Super Girl she owes me one.
You da’ man.
X0 X0, Clark Kent”

My official unofficial supervisor snorted. Her hand flew to her mouth in an attempt to stifle her laughter. “X0, X0, Clark Kent!” she snickered from behind her hand.

The next message came and Clark Kent paused for a minute seeming to think about his response before he responded…

“Wonder woman; don’t bother to send invisible jet no parking here. I’ll cab it when I’m done. BTW can I borrow your magic lasso for my date with Lois Lane tonite?
X0… X0, Clark Kent”

My official unofficial supervisor let loose an attention grabbing peal of laughter. When she turned to look at me she had tears in her eyes and was holding her side. “Stop Mia stop!” she gasped. “I can’t take no more…X0 X0… Clark Kent!” One of the court officers had been watching us and approached us…

“You ladies having a good time?” he said with a smile on his face.

“X0… X0, Clark Kent!” My official unofficial supervisor blurted out as she leaned into me.

I patted her back with a perfectly straight face which seemed to send her over the edge even more.

“There, there, woman calm yourself…X…0…X…0… Clark Kent.” I said just as the judge entered the court room.

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Saturday, May 09, 2009

You Live and Learn

“Yeah I broke his window, keyed his fucking car too…”
The female was talking loud. Hell she didn’t really need a phone all she had to do was open the bus window and the conversation could’ve been heard in the next borough. I was trying to concentrate on the book I was reading but with her yammering several inches away from my ear it wasn’t happening. Exasperated I looked out the window to see how far away I was from my stop and caught her eye as she hung up her phone. That was all she needed.

“ Mira, mira tu” she said in her badly accented Spanish looking at me.

“Can I ask you a question?” she asked.

“Knock yourself out.” I replied

“Check this out right…I just found out my man was playing me.”

“ That bastard.”

“Yeah right?”

“So what did you want to ask me?” I replied.

“His cousin is barking on me cause I tore up his car.”


“I’m saying I keyed it and broke his windows too.”

“So I heard.” along with everybody else in the 5 boroughs

She nodded her head. Curiosity got the better of me.

“What kind of car was it?” I asked.

“A Bentley Continental Flying Spur... 2009”

I winced and said, “Ouch.”

She smiled at my reaction…it’s a twisted world we live in folks when innocent cars are made to pay for their owners sins.

“I paid him back for breaking my heart.” She said.

“True that.”

“I’m saying you know and eye for an eye. Now he talking about pressing charges against me.”

“Well there ya go. Every action has a consequence. He broke your heart, you killed his car. It all evens out in the end.”

The fact that I was saying all of this with a straight face seemed to cheer her up. No way in hell was I telling this psycho she was in any way wrong.

“Can I get an amen sister?” she said and laughed

“Amen, amen, praise be Jesus.” I replied.

“Still I can’t front I love the man.” She said.

“Uh look I hate to be the one to break the news to you but I doubt there’s going to be any make-up sex after this.”

“Yeah I’m sure you’re right but he gonna think twice before he play the next female dirty.”

The female had a point and I had to concede it. Hell if I were him I wouldn’t even let the next female know I owned a skateboard much less a car. You live and learn.


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Wednesday, May 06, 2009

And You Will Always Be My Bitch

For months we’d been inseparable. Our friendship had been forged with pre-dawn conversations, desert romps, and more booze than my liver cared to recall. Prone to laughing at my antics he encouraged them no matter how much his older brother, my Aunt Nora’s husband scowled. Attend an official city hall function hung over and rocking outrageously loud pajama pants? Of course you should he’d responded equally hung over as he handed me a pair of colorful socks.

He introduced me to hookahs and hashish and I introduced him to alternative rock and salsa dancing. He held out his hand for one of my CD’s, “Give to me the crazy music Mia” he said late one night as we hit 90 on a stretch of deserted road somewhere in between Cairo and Alexandria. He cranked NIN’s Closer to an obscene decibel and smiled at me, “Habibti You’re my best friend!” he had yelled into the night. “And you’re my bitch!” I’d yelled back. I knew then that we’d be friends for life

Fast forward two years later April 2008; our friendship is tighter than ever. Due to our conflicting schedules it had been months since we’d seen each other. He’d left me a voice mail, “I miss you. I really need to see you“ and this is how I found myself sitting in a restaurant exchanging Christmas presents in April. He laughed when he read the inscription below his name on the Zippo lighter I’d gotten him. 'Salaam (peace) Homie' it read. “I will only use this lighter from now on” he vowed as I snapped a picture of him with the new digital camera he’d gotten me.

“Habibti (my beloved) I want to marry you.” he announced.
He caught me off guard with his proposal. My eyes darted around the room wondering who the hell he was talking to. He inclined his head towards me making it clear I was the one he was talking to and about.

My eyes narrowed, focusing on the folded napkin in front of me, “Did I miss something?” I asked.

“You’re my best friend; you know I’ve always said this…and I love you this you know as well.” He replied.

I cleared my throat, uh no I didn’t. Well maybe I did but I never thought he was serious. I nodded my head and watched as he lit his cigarette.You know now would be a good time to pick up the habit I thought to myself.

I decided to play it cool, “I have friends who think you’re hot, I could hook you up.”

He smiled and shook his head, “Your friends think I’m hot?”

I nodded my head. His entire body shook from his deep laughter. When he finally stopped he gently grabbed my chin and brought my line of vision to his face a gentle smile crossing his face, “I want YOU not your friends.”

“ Holy monkey.” I leaned back in my chair and gave him the ill look. What woman doesn’t long to hear words like that? It was a damn shame they were wasted on me.

“Would it be so bad to be with me? You know I would give you everything, the moon and stars if you asked.”

“Dude, why would you even want to go there? You know I have a boyfriend.”

“Why not? You’re like an angel to me and you drive me crazy. ”

“And you’re like a brother to me.”

He picked up my hand running a finger along the sapphire and diamond ring he’d given me several years before. He looked into my eyes, unable to find what he was looking for within them he dropped my hand and nodded his head in acceptance.The waitress arrived with our food. He picked up mini puff pastry spinach thingy. He attempted to feed me and I backed up. Now that I knew how he thought he felt having him feed me was too intimate.

I narrow my eyes and wrinkled my nose, “I can feed myself.”

He sighed in response, “It’s never bothered you that I’ve fed you from my hand before.”

“Yeah but…”

He waved the pastry in front of my lips, “Open for me. It’s your favorite.” I crossed my eyes at him and he laughed as I opened my mouth to accept the pastry.

“So what’s secondly?” he said as he grabbed my hand.

“What?” I asked when I was done swallowing and pulled my hand away.

He smiled and took my hand back, “Habibti you said first of all and where ever there is a first of all a secondly follows.”

“Can’t we just drop this subject?” I asked.

“No because I’m wondering what the secondly is about.

“Ay fine.” I had to stop and think for a minute as to how to phrase what I wanted to say without hurting him.

“I’m just a substitute for the one you really want.”

He opened his mouth to protest but I held my finger up gesturing for silence.He’d been in love when we’d met. He’d dated her on the sneak all through college but his mother hadn’t approved of the girl. His mother however had approved of me. She’d been crazy about me ever since she’d met me as an eight year old. “Fight for your love, fight for your woman! Screw what your mother wants!” I’d snapped at him the night his family had decided he would not be marrying the girl.

“Besides I am not your type you said so yourself.”

“What, When the hell did I say this?” he asked.

I sighed and took him back down memory lane.

“When we met, you looked at my piercings, my tats and said, “you’re a crazy girl, I could never be with someone like you.” I said. He laughed at my dead on imitation of his Arab accent.

“I never said that!”

“Yes you did. Ask your brother. ”

”Was I drunk?”

I laughed, “Nope. You were sober as a mosque mouse.”

“And I said that?”


He sat quietly for a few seconds obviously going over our first meeting. I could see the hamster in his head turning the wheel.

“You have a black heart!” he exclaimed.

I nearly choked on my soda, “Huh?! What the hell, I thought I was an angel?”

“Yes you are but you have a black heart for holding that remark against me. I was an idiot.”

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat and leaned his head towards me as if he were telling me a secret,“Is that why you never allowed me to kiss you?”

“Honestly ?”

“Yes, always truth between us.”

“I never saw you that way. You’re my aunt’s brother-in-law. You’re like family.”

“You know Mira was right, she said you’d break my heart” he responded.

Okay that shocked me. “When was this?”

“Remember the night you wore that black top?”

Ah yes the infamous black satin top. You would’ve sworn that I was walking around topless from his reaction. The top was a sleeveless v-neck number, nothing none of our female friends and at least two of the gay guys wouldn’t have worn. That night was the first time he’d seen me dressed up and wearing make-up. I recalled the teasing his reaction had drawn from our friends. His jaw had dropped and he’d stared…really stared. I remember wanting to punch him in the face especially when he growled at me to cover myself up and buttoned me up to my neck in his suit jacket despite my loud and colorful protests.

I smiled at him and shrugged my shoulders. He looked hurt, but I pressed my case. I argued that what he was feeling for me a result of loneliness and it was not love. Not to mention his family accepted me and nothing would please them more than to see us married. I was an easy way out for him. I made a proposal. I’d work on his mother and he’d call the girl and kiss major ass in order to get her back into his life and this time he’d man up and stand up to his family. He seemed hesitant to go along with my plan but I refused to give up. When I was done I sat back in my chair feeling really pleased with myself.

He shook his head and stared at me for a second. I fluttered my eyelashes at him playfully and he smiled at me.

“So about this boyfriend, do you love him habibti?”



“Dead ass.”

“So I’ve lost you huh?”

“You never had me in that way. You’ve always had my platonic love, respect, and friendship.”

He leaned back in his chair and folded his arms across his broad chest and just stared at me and then a smile slowly crept along his face.I returned it with a big cheesy grin of my own.

“So how about it, are we still friends?” I held my hand out to him he looked at it for a second before taking it and placing a kiss in my palm.

“Best friends. I’m not going to stop calling you Habibti you know this, yes?”

I laughed, “and I’ll never stop calling you my bitch.”

April 2009:
My plan worked. He’d married in January and had just returned from a three month honey moon. Once again we were exchanging Christmas gifts. He’d gotten me a hyper zoom lens for my camera. I was one ecstatic Mia. He pulled me onto this lap and wrapped his arms around me hugging me tightly.

“I love you Habibti.” He said. “Tell me you love me.”

“Like trailer trash loves deep fried Twinkies” I said.

He laughed and kissed my nose.

“Thank you.”

“No prob.” I said stood up and took another seat.

“I am going to be a father.” He announced as he stood up and sat on my lap. I let out a grunt. Dude was heavy. His wife had conceived during their honeymoon. The urine wasn’t even dry on the EPT stick when my Aunt Nora had called me with the news from Egypt.

“I know.”

“You did?”

I nodded my head, “They called me.” I pushed him off my lap, he was cutting the circulation off my legs.

“If it is a girl we’re naming her after you.” He said.

I jumped up out of my seat in excitement.“ I am so going to spoil that kid!”

He pulled me towards him. I put my hands out to stop him.

“Are you going to hug me again?”

“Yes Habibti.”

“Hold up let me at least pop a birth control pill before you do. I’m not taking chances with you. You’re like a fertile myrtle right now!”

He threw his head back and laughed yanking me into his arms hugging me tightly dropping a kiss on top of my head.

“ You give me so much joy. You will always be my Habibti.”

“and you will always be my bitch.”I mumbled against his chest.


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