Mia: Shaken Not Stirred

The true life stories of a NYC female.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

My Mother's Play List

It was early morning and my mom was hooking up a set of giant block party sized speakers to the stereo system that already had five speakers attached to it.
My father stopped to watch what she was doing…

--Hey little one what are you doing?

-Getting ready to give Ralphie’s wife a heart attack. Could you please take the picture frames off of the wall honey?

My dad burst out laughing when he realized what my mom was up to.

--Baby, baby come on you can’t do this. He said as he began taking the frames and diplomas off the dining room wall.

She looked up at him innocently as could be and pointed to the table indicating where she wanted him to put the frames. I looked up from the newspaper and continued drinking my tea noticing my dad was trying really hard to keep himself from laughing again.

-Why not?

--Because I said so that’s why.

-Because you said so?

My mother snorted.

- You’re so cute when you’re trying to be all authoritative.

She turned her back on him and finished hooking the last of the speakers up.

--What about the rest of the neighbors did you think about that?

- I already talked to them about it and management thank you very much and everyone gave their approval. They were the ones that picked out the time for me to start even approved the play list.


-Don’t worry everything is cool. I so got this honey.

He stared at her for a second and she walked over to him and hugged him he started laughing again and kissed the top of her head.

- Okay so where do you want this monster speaker?

She pointed towards the door.

Our next door neighbor has recently become a born again Christian. Yeah verily more power unto her I say the only problem is that she has decided to express and share her new found love of the lord with us in the form of some of the corniest Christian music known to man every weekend for the past couple of months. Personally I could deal with it say it were Christian rock or gospel but when it’s stuff like Debbie Boone oh heck no. and when it’s stuff like Debbie Boone at 7 am in the crusty morning? Stop the madness. Now.

Despite the repeated requests from fellow tenants the happy Christian hasn’t been able to resist blasting her music. Since we live right next door to her and are the most affected my mom decided to take matters into her own hands. War had been declared and the Christian lady had no where near the record collection we have nor the kick ass stereo system. I almost felt sorry for her. Mom spent several weeks studying her enemy her musical likes and dislikes and developed a strategy of musical warfare that would do the CIA proud based on her observations. Mom dug way deep into her old record collection.

Once my father’s blessing had been secured and everything was in place mom opened the door and adjusted the volume on the stereo loud enough to be heard in the hallway but not so loud that it would cause the picture frames to bounce on walls. She was saving that for later. She lulled the Christian neighbor woman into a false sense of security starting her play list with old school basement party jams songs she knew the woman liked. Songs like “Hey Lonely Girl” then she kicked it up throwing followed by Santana’s Samba Pa Ti. When the opening strains of Echo & The Bunnymen’s “The Killing Moon” began she cranked up the volume and the walls began to vibrate. Several songs later the Christian lady ran out of her apartment and was greeted by the sight of my mother leaning leisurely against our door frame drinking her coffee swaying her body to the music and several neighbors in the hallway curiously staring at her door awaiting her emergence from her apartment like a bat out of hell. She didn’t fail to disappoint them.

The Christian lady was furious as she walked towards our apartment, her husband just stood at the door shaking his head back and forth. He’d warned his wife this was going to happen after all mom had told him of her plans but his wife had refused to listen to him. Mom waved at her.

-Good morning!

--Maggie what the fuck are you doing?!

My mother purposely ignored her singing along with The New York Dolls.

-Hey Mia did I ever tell you that the New York Dolls use to rehearse at the Endicott on 81 street?

---No ma

-Oh yeah right across the street from my house and since my aunt worked at the Endicott for like 30 years and I practically grew up there I had free run of the place so I used to go in and watch them rehearse all the time.

The Christian lady stood several inches away from my mother.



--Maggie what the fuck?

-Is that a nice way to greet your neighbor? Whatever happened to love your fellow man?


My mother shrugged her shoulders.

-Well I just figured since you’ve got the need to get up and make a joyful noise early in the morning at an ear shattering decibel I should follow your example. You play your music in worship of your god and I play mine in worship of mine. I figure we can do this every weekend. Deal?

--Who is your god Maggie Satan?

-Depends, can he play bass guitar and is he willing to let me sit in on drums?

--Fuck you Maggie

-I’ll pass I’ve never been into females. I thought that kind of stuff was a sin in your church?

The Christian lady glared at my mother and then at all the neighbors in the hall and slammed her door really hard. I’m certain the lady got the message because she hasn’t blasted her music since.

My mother’s playlist…


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Posted by @ 2:52 PM
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