Mia: Shaken Not Stirred

The true life stories of a NYC female.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Church Of The Blunted Mind

We were having dinner when a couple of my brother’s friends came over last night to pick him up for church and they looked rather zooted, high. My father the resident Roman Catholic glared at the young men and muttered something about the lack of respect in today’s youth and warned my brother about ever attempting to do such a thing. I believe the words will rip your heart out via your anus were used. I was amazed at the colorful images my dad’s warning conjured up and at the young men themselves they had balls that’s for sure, “They’re going to church like that?” I asked my brother as he excused himself from the table. My brother stared at them as he bent down to kiss my mom good-bye, “This should be an interesting mass.” He said. “You think?” I asked. “Paranoia is going to kick in big time.” I added speaking from experience.

Until recently I was known to indulge in the occasional blunt with friends. I’m a small person so depending on the quality of the smoke 2- 4 pulls pretty much gets me buzzed. My then boyfriend and I were chilling at his cousin's place it was my first visit to the apartment. When the blunt was passed my way for the fifth time I waved it away “four puffs is enough thank you” I said. As the rest of the crew continued to light up I walked around and took notice of my surroundings, really took notice. The apartment was as close as to being in church without actually having to set foot in Holy Name Church and face father O’ Connor. I suddenly felt the need for rosary beads.

There were crucifixes every where they even had glow in the dark ones in the hall leading to the bathroom! Let me tell you something in the event that Dracula’s brethren barreled into the apartment it was going to go down bad for the vamps. Throughout the apartment there were shelves filled with religious icons and statues of saints and the walls were filled with portraits of them as well. All they needed was a pew and a fountain with holy water by the front door to make it complete. this is what it must look like when God has a garage sale. I thought to myself.

After awhile I found my eyes drawn to a rather large statue of Jesus on the center shelf of the divider that separated the church of the blunted mind from the rest of the apartment. I nodded my head in greeting to the big guy Wassup Jesus how’s it going? The statue was a work of art. I was admiring the details in the Italian marble statue when I swore the statue moved. My eyes narrowed as I stared at the statue. Holy monkey. What the hell was in that blunt? Suddenly the statue spoke without moving its lips, “Mia?” Jesus is talking and he knows my name…whoa. “Mia?” Jesus said more urgently this time. yes my lord and savior ?

Drawing on my hazy recollection of Sunday school I remembered that every time one of the higher powers spoke to mortals it was never to reveal winning lotto numbers so naturally I grew suspicious. Jesus I’m just letting you know off the bat I’m willing to part with the bag of M&M’s I’ve got stashed in my messenger bag if need be just don't ask for the blood of a lamb or a goat. I'm not into animal scarifices. “Mia!” Jesus yelled Jesus Christ Jesus there’s no need to yell I can hear ya. The statue moved again. Sorry Jesus I didn’t mean to get snippy. “Mia we’re calling for pizza. What do you want on yours?” who is this “we” you and the apostles? Then another voice spoke a female “You want a beer with that too Mia?” My eyes darted to the Virgin Mary statue besides the Jesus statue and a confused look crossed my face Et tu Virgin Mary? Is this the second coming people keep talking about?” “Mia do you want a Heineken with that?” Jesus asked.

That’s when it hit me Jesus’ voice sounded familiar I looked away from the statue only to find my friend's and his girl's head sticking out from behind the room divider phone in hand staring at me. “So what do you want Mia?” I shook the cobwebs out of my brain and smiled at them “Uh no I don’t drink Heineken, mushroom and a Guinness stout please.” I said and quickly turned my attention back to the Jesus statue. I kept my eyes on him. He didn’t move for the rest of the night I know because I watched him all night long but I could’ve sworn I saw him blink a couple of times.

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