Mia: Shaken Not Stirred


The true life stories of a NYC female.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Mr. Pirate Rocker


Imagine sitting in a café in the village sipping on some tea thinking life’s been kind of quiet lately when a tall man looking like a rocker guitar case slung over his shoulder walks past your table. You know he’s a rocker because he’s wearing the standard rocker uniform; black straight leg jeans, red bandana on his head, eye liner, t-shirt, leather boots and his long hair stylishly unkempt. He is wearing a patch over one eye and has a lightning bolt tattooed over his brow bone making it look as if it’s going through his eye. Given his appearance it’s safe to assume he’s not a lounge singer.

ahhhh I get it! Up on stage in a dimly lit club the bolt of lightning and black eye patch create the illusion of the eye socket being empty. Clever very clever…hmmm I like it!

He spots you smiles and nods, you smile back. As he makes his way to the counter he slightly lifts his eye patch revealing his eye safely in its socket despite the menacing lightning bolt and removes his bandana stuffing it in his back pocket. The tourists practically break their necks in the café staring at him. You both look at them and then each other breaking out into another round of smiles and shake your heads. You both know that they’re definitely tourists because come on man this is Greenwich Village in New York in this part of the city his appearance is down right ordinary.

At first he doesn’t seem to mind the staring he ignores it and makes his way to the table across from yours and settles in with his breakfast and paper. After awhile he looks up and he’s still being gawked at. That’s when he flips out. “You know you wake up in the morning happy as hell in love with the world. The sun is shining it’s a fucking glorious day and then you realize your room mate’s crack girl friend ripped you off and all have in your pocket is five dollars but you’re happy and grateful because she didn’t even leave him that much !” His voice getting louder as he went on, “You’re grateful that she didn’t take your guitar or your amp. You try to shake it off and come in here to spend your last few dollars trying to turn your day around. Just when you’re thinking people suck a pretty girl gives you the warmest smile and makes you feel like you’re going to be okay and you feel great. So what if some people are staring at you? Big deal they’ll get their fill and then go about their business and let you enjoy your coffee but noooooo people want to be assholes. You don’t know when to stop. Do you like being stared at while you eat? What the fuck people this ain’t the zoo. The zoo is that way!” pointing towards the window. “What the fuck are you people staring at?! You’ve never seen a man before?! SHIT!!”

Hmmm well ya know buddy maybe where they come from seeing a rocker/pirate sipping on a cappuccino early in the crusty morning is not an everyday thing…I’m just saying…

The tourists look shaken up and someone runs to get the manager. Mr. Pirate Rocker is asked to leave. He refuses. They try to forcibly remove him but it seems Mr. Pirate Rocker works out the dude is incredibly strong. They are going to need reinforcements for this one. It takes 5 guys to budge him and guide him out the door coffee and bagel in hand. They close the door behind him but he sticks his head back in and says, “You all have a great mother fucking day now!” He makes eye contact with you again and winks and smiles. You smile and wink back. He’s going to be fine. Good lord I love this city.

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Thursday, April 26, 2007

Official Mom


My brother’s puppy Tigger aka Hannibal Hairctor has been living with us for over a month now and seems to have adopted my dog Cleo as his mom. Cleo who has never had puppies seems to be loving it and like any good mom she disciplines him.

The puppy has developed an obsession with my father’s slippers. He is constantly stealing them and hiding them around the house which wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t chew on them as well. The other day the puppy ran past me in the dining room with my dad’s slipper in his mouth and I gave chase trying to get the slipper from him. Instead of dropping it and slinking off in a corner with his tail between his legs like any other puppy with a shred of decency would do he looked up at me and started running faster.

I chased him around the table like 4 times and couldn’t catch him. He kept going under the table and weaving in out under the chairs. Cleo who had been looking at me like I was psycho finally decided to step in. She waited for him to emerge from under one of the chairs and just when he was about to go under another chair she grabbed onto his collar with her teeth and held him for me. At first he tried to get away from her but she slapped him on the top of his head with her paw and he sat still. The fact that she managed to do this without hurting him or ever loosening her grip on his collar totally impressed me…yeah she’s officially a mom now.

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Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Dad's Behaving Badly


Earth Day 2007: The weather was perfect, not a cloud in sight the temperature is just right. It was a perfect for watching my cousin Pico play little league baseball.

My cousin’s team is new to the league made up of 7-12 year olds 75 % of the team have never played baseball before and the coach is a newbie too so they are all learning as they go along. The team they played is old school one of the best teams in the league. Our inexperienced team didn’t stand a chance in the face of their seasoned players but hey it’s not about winning the game it’s about having fun being a part of something etc. At least that’s the way our family sees it. Try telling that to the family sitting in the bleachers behind me there to cheer a kid on the opposing team.

As much as I admired them for being there for the kid I couldn’t help but think that they were there to annoy the crap out of me. Their constant razzing and criticizing of Pico’s team was plucking my last nerve. Trust me you don’t want to be around me when the last nerve has been plucked it’s not a pretty thing.

Yeah I understand your kids team is slaughtering my cousin’s team. Yeah I can see it’s 11-0 ! Pero excuse me putos I don’t need you doing a merengue up in the stands every time a runner makes it home. I definitely don’t need to hear you trash talking the adorable 7 yr old girl guarding 3rd base. Try that crap with my cousin I assure you a search and rescue squad will be needed to remove my size 5 sneaker outta your butt.

At one point I turned around to stare down the father of the kid who was the most vocal of the lot. I told him to chill; no one’s immigration status was dependent on the outcome of this game. I reminded him that they were only kids and that as far as I knew The Yankees didn’t have anyone scouting the game. The man stared at me and said nothing.

The boy’s uncle a teacher at the local high school kept telling his brother-in-law pretty to chill out as well he’d been cheering on both teams and reminding his brother-in-law that this was the opposing team’s first game. In all fairness that particular father wasn’t the only dad behaving badly. One of my cousin’s team mates had his father in the stands as well and all he did was constantly berate his kids performance. If it had been me I would’ve thrown a wild pitch and made sure it connected with the man’s head. Good grief the dude was annoying.



At the end of the slaughter game. The kid whose team had won came into the stands. He hadn’t even reached his father yet when the man immediately started pointing out his errors and offering coaching tips. The kid stopped in his tracks turned around and walked away. Then the father spotted the coach of the losing team and began dispensing his pearls of wisdom,

“In Santo Domingo,” he went on in Spanish, “we take the kids and make them live and breathe baseball. That’s what they have to do here if they want these kids to be any good. Every day as soon as school is over make them practice for a couple of hours. They have to learn that base ball is everything and that they have to sacrifice in order to be good at the game.”

The boy’s uncle waited patiently for his brother -in -law to finish his riff and then he said, “Look man this is the United States of America. In this country we like to let our kids enjoy their childhood. We don’t fuck up their lives until they are teenagers at least.” I looked at both men and just burst out laughing.

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Saturday, April 21, 2007

Cap & Gown


Here’s the thing everyone that knows me knows that I am notoriously absent minded. So much so that before I leave my house who ever is around will recite a check list of things I normally forget when I say “Adios people I’m leaving!” “Mia did you remember your... " and sure enough I've forgotten something that was on the list. So yeah I am very grateful that they shout out the list to me.

Now I know damn well that I need a cap and gown for my graduation and I’ve known this for months. Even had a reminder from school as to the date the cap and gown company would be there to take our order. But me being me of course I forgot all about it. Luckily I can order from the company online and get them in plenty of time for my graduation.

I was in the process of doing this when my mother walked over to check them out and she was just fine I swear to all that is holy that she was just fine. The minute I placed my order and it was “official” and the picture popped up to show the gown we’d be wearing my mom spazzed the hell out. She stared at it for a few seconds then all of a sudden her nose turned red. When ever my mom is about to cry she turns into a human version of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer. “Ma why are you crying?” I asked. “I’m graduating. It’s a good thing ma. True story!”

I could tell she was choking back tears because her voice was odd fading in and out…she covered her face in embarrassment, “I know, I know. I can’t believe my baby is graduating” by the way I’d like to point out that despite the fact that at 24 I am the oldest of my siblings my parents and aunt Nora insist on referring to me as “the baby”. Ma's voice peaked so high it was hurting the dogs ears…”I’m crying because I am so happy. I’m so proud of you, you little nappy headed ho’!” We’ve been calling each other this ever since the whole Imus mess last week. “I know I’m going to break down at the graduation!”

I looked at her she was losing it big time her face was all pink her lip was quivering; an intervention was needed I had no choice but to flash my boobs at her. Oh yeah that’s something my sister and I do to ma all the time. We wait ‘til no one is around and approach her as if we’re going to ask something and when she looks up at us we lift our shirts and yell out “Ole !” and laugh like lunatics when she covers her face and yells at us to stop. She gets it worse from my brother and father. My bro just straight out moons her. My dad chases her around the house with a sliver of spit dangling from his mouth. It never fails to freak her out. It is so wrong I know but such a joy to watch.

Listen be on the look out May 31st if you hear of a student getting arrested in New York for indecent exposure during John Jay‘s graduation ceremonies chances are it was me and it was because mom was having a melt down and action needed to be taken.

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Friday, April 20, 2007

Where's Waldo?


My aunt Nora called with bad news about her pregnancy. Over the weekend she had started spotting and went to the doctor. She was told that she miscarried. There were tests done that indicated that her pregnancy hormone levels were disappearing. Then the doctor said that he couldn’t find the embryo just the empty sack. She went back to the doctor for a follow-up yesterday and was told that her pregnancy hormone levels were back up but there is still no trace of the embryo…

Mom: What the hell you mean he can’t find the baby?

Nora: Mags that’s what he said he cant find the embryo just the sack.

Mom: Nora what the fluck?! What the hell did the embryo step put of the sack for a walk or something? Tell him to check and see if there’s a little sign tacked up to your uterus wall that says BRB or something. Okay so what’s going on then?

Nora: I don’t know he says it might be too early to tell.

Mom: Are you serious? You’re like what 6 weeks already? How is it too early? These days they have over the counter pregnancy tests that can tell if you’re pregnant the minute the sperm breaches security and this man can’t tell us if you’re still pregnant? Carajo what crap is that? How about we see another doctor eh ? A second opinion wouldn’t hurt here.

Nora: Mags you know I don’t feel comfy with doctors. I’ve been seeing him for years. I have to come back to see him on Friday. He’s going to look for the embryo again.


Mom: How are you feeling sweetheart?

Nora: I’m tired and run down to tell you the truth. I wish I could go home for a rest.

Home to Nora is our house. It’s the place she runs to when she needs a break from life. She comes and crashes with me in my room and we stay up late refusing to let my mom go to bed until she sneaks away and passes out on the sofa from exhaustion. It's always like a two week slumber party. Then of course there's the greatest cooking known to man because Mom and Nora attack the kitchen hard core whipping up Sparab (Spanish-Arab) meals. I guess in a way it takes her back to the years when she used to live with us. She always says those were the happiest years of her life. However this time she can’t run “home”. Her mother-in-law has been visiting from Egypt so Nora has to stay put .


Mom: I just had an idea! How about I knit a little stripped sweater and a red cap and you give it to the doctor? We’ll ask him to slip it on Waldo when he finally locates him. That way we can spot Waldo easily from now on.


Nora: Waldo?

Mom: Remember those books Mia liked when she was little “Where’s Waldo?”

Nora: Oh yeah she used to make me look for Waldo with her! I love it! Waldo!


All I know is that when "Waldo" is found he's going to have some explaining to do to those two women.

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Thursday, April 19, 2007

Sisters doing it for themselves


My mom’s lesbian cousin once told me that if it weren’t for the fact that we need sperm in order to create a baby men would be totally useless. Her anti-hombre stance always confused me because of her physical appearance. Unless you were told that she was a woman there was always a moment of confusion when meeting her for the first time and no she doesn’t do that plaid thing. I asked her once about that hating men yet looking like a man thing she does so well and she really did try to explain it to me but then I heard the “ding” of the microwave indicating that my hot pocket was done and I was out. Don’t judge me people I was just a kid…a hungry kid.

Anyways so it seems that we’re one step closer to my auntie’s utopia or as the hood rats would say,” it’s on and popping son!” Scientists at the University of Newcastle upon Tyne in Britain have converted human bone marrow tissue into immature sperm cells.

The point of adults playing with sperm outside of their bedroom is aimed at overcoming male infertility. However the bonus is that this would also allow two women to have their own biological daughter.Talk about sisters doing it for themselves! Now that's independence! Sounds like an episode worthy of a cable series. Where’s Queer as Folks when I need them? Don’t worry men you’ll still be needed for that extra oomph that produces a male. However I’d like to point out that the creation of an Amazonian society say perhaps on a remote island somewhere is a future possibility not just a sci-fi fantasy.

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Monday, April 16, 2007

The diversity of accents


It’s early and I’m in Queens standing in a Korean grocery store. To the left of me my Puerto Rican uncle Chino (which means Chinese in Spanish) and his Italian friend. To the right of me my uncle’s Arab friend and in front of me behind the counter is the owner of the store.

The store is not open for business yet but the phone keeps ringing. The owner ignores the phone despite the fact that this is the third phone call he’s gotten since pulling his gates up. They are discussing business now. My uncle’s Italian friend owns the route that supplies the store with snack foods, chips etc. He’s there to re-stock the store, the Arab is there because he owns a construction supply business and the Korean guy wants to purchase some stuff for some renovation work he’s doing. My uncle Chino is there because he needed some cigarettes and i'm there for the Snapple.

The constantly ringing phone begins to annoy the Korean guy he leans over and turns on the answering machine. A call comes in the machine picks up and this is what we hear in a thick Russian accent….

Caller: Peek up the phone I know you are there. It is me Nikolai the Russian guy.


When the message ended we all stared at the phone…I didn’t know that accents like that existed in real life. It was like straight out of a James Bond movie; his voice so deep accent so thick you could spread it on toast.

The Korean guy just burst out laughing and picked up the phone. The Arab from Brooklyn laughed as well and his thick Arab accented English said, “Man that dude’s accent very strong no?”….the Italian guy from Long Island mumbled something in Italian then added in Italian accented English, “Hell yeah it scared me!” My uncle Chino born and raised on Manhattan’s upper west side a first generation Nuyorican. His own accent reveals the fact that despite his perfect English he grew up speaking Spanish. It's a typical first generation Nuyorican/Puerto Rican combo accent. My uncle Chino couldn’t stop laughing at them talking about the Russian guy’s accent as if they had none of their own.

It occurred to me a second generation Nuyorican chick from The Bronx with a typical New York accent that I was standing in the middle of a mini United Nations . God Bless the diversity of accents.

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Sunday, April 15, 2007

I'm a Bloggers Choice Award Nominee!


I feel like Sally Fields at the Oscars minus the tears and the runny nose, “You like me, you really like me!”

I received an e-mail a few days ago informing me that my blog has been nominated in several categories at the Bloggers Choice Awards.

Thank you so very much Dannie for the nominations it’s an honor. Now if y’all take the time to vote for me I promise you I’ll balance the budget…bring the troops on home…organize a comprehensive and workable national health care program and make celebrities wear underwear before they leave their homes. I’ll even wear my, “I’m a Nappy Headed Ho’ “ t-shirt at my graduation next month and post a photo. Oh who am I kidding vote or no vote I’m still wearing the darned thing.


Click on the logos below to vote for me...

My site was nominated for Best Blog About Stuff!



My site was nominated for Best Blog Design!


My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!

My site was nominated for Best Video Blogger!

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Friday, April 13, 2007

We're pregnant!





Is there such a thing as being too close to a friend? My mother and her best friend Nora have a connection that defies logic.

For the past month my mother hasn’t been eating well. The smell of food makes her nauseous. Monday night she was preparing sausage and peppers for dinner. As soon as she opened up the pack of sweet Italian sausage my dad had purchased the day before and promptly stuck in the deep freezer. She gagged, “Oh my gawd this STINKS! Honey smelll this…is this rancid?”

Why is that when ever we smell or taste something that’s gone bad we need to verify it by getting someone else to taste or smell it. The thing that kills me is that even after you've noticed it's past it's expiration date and you announce that you think there's a patch of mold growing on you can still tell the person “I think this has gone bad…taste it…smell the funk off of it” they will trot right over and comply with your request. Amazing.


My dad came over sniffed the sausage “You’re imagining things, it’s fine.” Then she opened a pack of hot Italian sausage and announced that it was rotten as well. Again my dad sniffed…”it’s fine babe, you however are crazy.” None of the 7 people who sniffed the frozen turkey sausage could dissuade her that the meat did not stink. So on Monday night instead of eating her favorite meal she dined on sautéed onions and peppers on a whole wheat pita. Which is a step up from what she’s been eating for dinner lately. Dinner for her has been consisting of rice krispie cereal, peanut butter and jelly or those ramen noodle soups in a cup.

Then there was the non-stop fun filled week of the projectile vomiting, don’t ask it wasn’t pretty. Naturally with her aversion to food and the fact that she’s been visibly fighting off a tsunami of nausea on a daily basis my dad’s curious….

Dad: Um Maggie any chance…a possibility perhaps... that you’re pregnant?

Mom stared at him giving him the dreaded “I’m gonna fluck you up death stare” that she has patented. I’m not too sure but I swear my father cowered…


Dad: I’m just asking babe. You know we do have an active sex life. Stuff does happen you know.

OH NO he didn’t ! Oh no my wonderful pizops did not just say he and my beautiful sainted mother bump uglies! No way in hell did he just say that! I stuck a finger in my left ear and wiggled it back and forth. Obviously I must have heard the man wrong. Parents don’t fornicate. My siblings and I are the products of immaculate conception!

Mom said nothing instead she stuck her head out the window.

Dad: Well babe is it possible?

Mom:Que? What are you talking about?

Dad: Could you be pregnant?

Mom: Por el amor a Dios William wash your mouth out with soap! Don’t make me hurt you dude because I will.

Dad: Well hun it’s not like we’ve never been pregnant before, it’s not like we don’t have sex several times a week!

Mia: Oh for the love of God people I am in the room hello! I don’t want to know about my parents having sex. You’re not supposed to be doing that!


Dad:No boogie YOU’RE not supposed to be doing that. You know the stereo in our room isn’t always blasting because we like the music. Why do you think we have condoms? Did you think we were making balloon animals with them?


Mia: Crap I think I just vomited a little in my mouth. Stop it right now you’re going to traumatize me!

Dad: Why because I love your mother and she still turns me on?

Mia: Hey that’s my mom you’re talking about! I don’t ever want to hear you say something so blasphemous again mister!

Mom: Both of you shut up please you’re giving me a headache. I have 3 kids I’m not too sure I want now; why on earth would I want more? William I am not pregnant so stop puffing your chest out; there will be no mas children from me punto final.


Dad: Are you sure? I mean look at the way you’ve been acting.


Mom: I am not knocked up honey trust me on this…maybe someone close to me is…


They both turned and looked at me waiting for an announcement.


Mia: People let’s not get crazy here. It’s not me.

Dad: It better not be. I’ve got plastic bags, duct tape, and a buzz saw in the closet and I know some swamps in Jersey where I could dump the body of a guy or two.

Mom: That’s it no more Sopranos for you mister.

Mia: Stevie?


Mom:Oh hell no! My baby boy practices safe sex. I showed him where I keep the condoms in case he runs out.

Our conversation was then interrupted by my mother sprinting to the bathroom hand over mouth. She emerged from the bathroom pale and clammy…“Ohhh man kill me someone just kill me. Put me out of my misery. This just sucks.”

The phone rang and pa handed it to mom it was my aunt Nora…

Mom:What’s up babe?

Nora: I just found out we’re pregnant honey bunny!


In my mother and Nora’s world anytime something happens to one of them it’s referred to as “we” because they go through everything together.


Mom: Oh shit we are?! Ohhh pookie lips we’re having a baby I am so happy! Anytime someone is knocked up and it’s not me, our girls, and my son is not the baby’s daddy is a time to celebrate!

Nora: Ya damn skippy Mags!

For the next 30 minutes mom and Nora made plans. Just like with her other 3 kids Nora wants mom to deliver the new one as well. When they were done mom walked over to dad and kissed him on the forehead he was looking a little dejected. My dad’s always wanted at least 6 kids. Mom wanted only one so they compromised and had three.

Mom: You’re okay babe?

Dad: Yeah ..still Mags I thought...hoped

Mom: Honey I know you’re a much macho virile hombre but I’ve got news for you we have industrial strength condoms…I use draino as a spermacide…and the entrance to my uterus is guarded by an elite squad of killer ninjas. Our baby producing days are over. Besides mira Mia is 24 years old in another few years we’ll be having a grand kid!

Mia: Yeah dad look I plan on having a kid by the time I am 28 or 29.

Dad: With who with Josh?

Mia: I don’t know pops. All I know is married or not there will be a baby.

Dad: Mia don’t make me have to kill you. Good God Nora is pregnant and you’re mom is feeling the symptoms! This is going to be fun!


When my mom was pregnant with my baby sister 15 years ago Nora was the one feeling the symptoms. Side by side they worshiped the porcelain god. Nora would hold moms hair back while mom “prayed” to him and then mom would do the same for Nora. I just hope we don’t have a repeat of it with this pregnancy as well. I don’t think we’ll survive it. We barely survived that one.

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Thursday, April 12, 2007

It’s hypocritical but it’s true...


Months back I was walking through the heart of Harlem with a white friend. The girl in an attempt at being “hood” kept throwing the word “nigga” around. I advised her to erase that word from her vocabulary especially given where we were. She looked at me and asked, “what’s the difference between me saying nigga and you saying nigga?” “ An ass whipping.” I replied. “I won’t catch a beat down however you my friend will get torn up. You will pay for the sins of your ancestors. It’s hypocritical but it’s true.”


Popular shock jock DJ Don Imus recently made some comments about the Rutgers women’s basketball team calling them “nappy headed ho’s” and the African American community flipped the hell out despite the fact that he called the entire team nappy headed ho’s not just a select few. Granted it was stupid, uncalled for, wrong and he is paying the price for it. Several days after his remark Imus went on a city wide apology tour. He said “I’m sorry” to anyone and everyone who’d listen. For a second there I thought he was going to set up a booth in the middle of Times Square and broadcast his apology 24-07. He was even brave enough to go on the Rev. Al Sharpton’s radio show to apologize knowing full well that Sharpton never missing an attempt to cash in on racism was going to hand him his ass in a sling.

As a result of his stupid remarks the Reverends’ Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson have essentially called for Imus to be run out of town, tarred and feathered. I for one cannot believe the hypocrisy of these two individuals. These beacons of racial harmony who have never ever everrrr uttered a racist comment…(cough..bullsnot..cough) The Rev. Jesse Jackson was the very same man who while running for president in 1984 referred to Jews as Hymies and NYC as Hymie Town and of course who can forget the Rev. Sharpton’s involvement in the Tawana Brawley debacle.

Due to the drama surrounding his remarks the Imus show has lost sponsors and has been yanked from the air for two weeks. The suspension is a good idea everyone needs to use the time to cool down and Imus needs to be saved from himself. The other shoe dropped yesterday when MNBC dropped his show from their cable line up. That I believe was unnecessary but in the corporate world its all about covering your asses.


Seriously at some point people need to get over things. The man has been apologizing for a week. Accept the apology and move on, be the bigger person. Sharpton and Jackson have vilified this man. Yet no one takes into consideration the good works that Imus has done. He raises millions for charities and doesn’t take into consideration the race of those that benefit from his charitable work and he does it quietly without fanfare. I can’t recall the last time that Jackson or Sharpton did anything for a community without assembling photographers and several dozen news crews.

The women’s basketball team now says that their accomplishments this season have been tarnished and ruined because of Imus’s remarks …WTF?! Let me get this straight everything you busted your butt for and achieved means nothing because some old ass gringo in an ill advised attempt at humor called you a nappy headed ho? If that’s the case then the problem is with you and not the gringo. Do you see yourself as a nappy headed ho? If not then wtf do you care what an old man with insensitivity issues says about you? Sticks and stones my sisters, sticks and stones.

My fellow sisters speaking from my own personal experience as a person of color, a minority and as a Latina I am certain as hell that this is not the first time you've been referred to in derogatory racial and sexist terms and it sure as hell will not be the last time, especially within our own community. I’ve lost count of the times that I have been referred to as a “mira mira” or “spic” by members of the African American community. I simply brush it off because it ain’t crap. Moi a spic, me a mira mira? Pfft.. I’m a Boricua baby pa que lo sepas call me a spic and I will yell,"Hell yeah I am a spic i'm a Spanish Person In Control!.

I have busted my butt to achieve my academic goals and no amount of insipid remarks can take away my self-worth and pride. Next month I'll be walking down the aisle of Madison Square Garden held head up high receiving my degree; do you honestly think that if some fool were to shout out “SPIC!” at me it would negate my achievements? Oh HELL no. A racist remark only has as much power over you as you choose to give it. Call me all the racist names you want mofo, I can tell you to fuck off in two languages... three if I’m really pissed. I carry myself with pride and within me flows the blood of a proud people. Nothing you can possibly say will denigrate me because I will not allow it to, you have no power over me.

Lord knows the amount of times members of my Egyptian family have been referred to as a Habib or turban head by people trying to be funny members by the way of the same community that is offended because a white man called a group of women nappy headed ho’s. It pains me to admit that even amongst our people, amongst minorities racism towards each other exists. The thing is how do YOU see yourself? Cause I know for damn sure none of my black friends are nappy headed ho’s or niggas, none of my white friends are crackers, none of my Arab and Desi friends are diaper heads…none of my Italian friends are guidos, none of my Oriental friends are chinks…and none of my Latino friends are spics.

Why aren't Rev. Al and Jesse Jackson calling for the heads of of black rappers, slam poets, DJ’s Etc. who degrade the community by referring to each other as niggas, ho’s bitches and pimps with the same passion that they call for Imus's head? Where is Sharpton and Jackson when this is going on ? Why not call for the boycott of hip hop and all of the franchises that have been built on the back of the hip hop culture until they apologize for and rectify their behavior?

The reality of it all is that Don Imus got nailed to the wall for his remarks because he’s white. Period. It’s hypocritical but it’s true. It had nothing to do with what he said but everything to do with what he represents. The fact is if you listen to any urban hip hop station in the morning you will hear worse. Good lord you will hear so much worse. A lot of the urban DJ's make Imus look puritanical. The only difference here is the color of the DJ’s skin. Racism is racism no matter what color it comes wrapped in. If you’re going to point a finger at Don Imus then you need to look around and start pointing at the minority community as well because as a whole we are just as guilty of racism as he is, if not more because we are racist towards our own brothers and sisters and just let it slide.

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Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Today's WTF?! moment: Fatima Bowles


Fatima Bowle's jacked up eye


Today’s WTF?! moment is being brought to you by a court system gone bonkers. It all began 23 years ago in the idyllic setting of a kindergarten classroom. Little did 6 year old Fatima Bowles realize as she walked to John Wayne Elementary school on April 6, 1984 that tragedy would befall her.

The scenario: It was recess and Fatima’s teacher Ms. Zimmerman had stepped out of the classroom for a minute to check on two students who had gone to the bathroom and were gone in her words for “too long”. Fatima was minding her own business probably trying to decide between the rubber mail carrier and the school nurse finger puppets when misfortune reared it’s hideous booger picking head in the form of Frank A. (cue dramatic music)… that bastard! Frank threw a block 10-15 feet across the room and it hit Fatima in the eye. As a result of being clocked in the eye with the block Fatima needed surgery for a lacerated cornea and spent a week in the hospital. Clearly this was in the days before insurance carriers started getting stingy with the dollars because now a days you give birth on a Monday and barring complications your butt is outta there by Tuesday afternoon.

A year later Fatima’s mom decided to sue the city on the grounds that the block thrower “Frank A.” was a known bully and that the school failed to protect her child from him. The suit went no where because Fatima’s lawyer died and then in a bad move the city failed to petition to have the suit dropped. Now 23 years later Fatima has decided to continue with her suit and got the a-okay from a judge. WTF?!

Fatima now claims that the block caused permanent damage to her eye. Fatima needs to get over this let's be for real now. She claims she suffers from blurry vision and migraine headaches. Holy crap! Blurry vision? Maybe Fatima needs glasses and it has nothing to do with being binged in the eye by a block. Headaches? Tylenol is not a multi-billion dollar business because headaches are a rare and uncommon thing you know. Besides Fatima has 2 kids and works at Mac Donald's of course she's got headaches! Have you ever been to Mickey D's during a rush?! Pop a couple of Tylenol’s wash it down with a Mac milkshake and get over it damn! This suit is ridiculous… Why not sue the kid himself or Ms. Zimmerman for leaving the class unattended? Oh yeah wait they don’t have millions.

As long as Fatima is suing maybe she should sue the manufacturer of the blocks her classmate threw at her. After all shouldn’t they have had the foresight to know that somewhere a hyper kindergartner would be flinging their blocks across the room? Why weren’t those blocks made of fabric with rounded fabric edges and stuffed with goose feathers? Why didn’t the block manufacturers have the foresight to realize that those damn wooden blocks hurt when they are flung at you? Huh?

Reading about Fatima Bowles has made me realize that I too have a profitable law suit in the making! I was harassed in kindergarten. His name was Reynaldo and at the age of 5 he looked more like a 5th grader than a kindergartner and he had a crush on me. Reynaldo used to chase me around the playground and try to kiss me, once he even forcibly hugged me! Good gravy I was being sexually harassed at the age of four!I remember an incident where my teacher Miss Lorenzo caught Reynaldo looking up my poofy pink dress as I stood on the platform of the jungle gym. From then on I refused to wear dresses to school. As a matter of fact I was so affected by that incident that 20 yrs later I still refuse to wear dresses! Yeah that’s right Reynaldo is the root of my dress phobia, blurry vision and migraine headaches! I'm sure some lawyer some where is willing to take my case and the courts will grant permission for me to press on with the suit.

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Monday, April 09, 2007

You Made Me The Man I am Today


One of my neighbors walked by me talking rather loudly on his cell phone…

Neighbor :I’m not denying it.You’re absolutely right you made me the man I am today. Word is bond you’ve made me everything that I am…. poor, miserable and suicidal! Now just sign the fucking divorce papers!


I laughed so hard I choked on air.

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Posted by @ 1:32 AM
3 comment from: Blogger DannieS72, Blogger phoenix, Blogger Ch@rl0tt€,


Sunday, April 08, 2007

Lies My Mother Told Me



While watching a comedian talk about little kids curiosity and how it can be irritating to their parents mom started remembering some of the stuff she had told me when I was a kid. I was surprised that I remembered a few of them as well. My favorite one was the thunder story….


We were walking through Central Park on our way to the playground and the spring grass caught my eye….


Mia (3 yrs old):Why is the grass green?

My 23 year old mother debated how to explain chlorophyll, photosynthesis, light and the Earth’s atmosphere to me in a way a 3 year old could understand it. She decided she couldn’t.

Mom: Because some of the angels in heaven came down to with green crayola crayons and colored each individual blade.

Mia (3 yrs old): and the sky too mommy?

Mom: Yes those angels use the blue crayola crayons.

Mia (3 yrs old): For real?

Mom:Yup. They have lots of different shades of green and blue crayons. Some are light and some are dark.

Mia (3 yrs old):Mommy I have crayola crayons!

Mom:Do you have green and blue ones?

Mia (3 yrs old):Yes ! Can I color the grass and the sky?

Mom:Sorry honey only the angels can do it BUT if you leave all the green and blue ones out on the table the angels will come late at night and take them and use them..

For the next couple of nights I left all of my blue and green jumbo thick Crayola crayons out on the table for the angels and in the morning they’d be gone. The next time we were out in the park my mother pointed to the grass and the sky…

Mom: Mia look at that! The grass is green and the sky is blue! You know what that means?

Heck yeah I knew what that meant, I was one excited kid! I nodded my head so hard I looked like a bobble head
Mom: Mia the angels used your crayons!

My mother says that for the rest of the day I was elated and insisted on calling my grandparents and visiting my great grandfather to share the joy.




Mia ( 4 yrs old): Mommy can we go outside today?

Mom:No baby it’s raining

Mia ( 4 yrs old): Mommy why is it raining?

Mom:Because the clouds were heavy with water.

Mia ( 4 yrs old): Why mommy?

Mom says there were times she had wished she was Bill Nye The Science Guy because of my questions. BTW much to my mom’s relief Bill Nye The Science Guy and Beakman’s World became favorites of mine when I was in grade school. For those not familiar with those the 2 they were science shows for kids and yes I am a science geek to this day.

Mia ( 4 yrs old): How the water got in the clouds?

Mom : The angels used the clouds to dry their tears.

Mia( 4 yrs old): Why were the angels crying mommy?

Mom: Because you didn’t eat your vegetables at dinner last night.




Mia ( 4 yrs old):Mommy why is the sky so loud?

Mom :: That’s called thunder baby and when the sky lights up it’s called lightning.

Mia ( 4 yrs old): Why does it do that mommy?

Mom: Because the angels are bowling. Whenever you hear the thunder that means they made a strike, they knocked all the pins down. When you see the lightning that’s God taking a picture of them with his camera.

Her explanation managed to calm my fear and I stood at our window watching the rain waiting for my dad to come home from work when the next flash of lighting lit up the sky I looked up and smiled…

Mia ( 4 yrs old): “Cheeeeeese!”

Mom: Mia what are you doing baby?

Mia ( 4 yrs old): I’m smiling at God ‘cause he taking pictures!

By the way I would like to add in conclusion here that until the age of four when I started kindergarten thanks to my mother I thought my hands were called paws!

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Friday, April 06, 2007

Thin Line Between Love & Hate


My friend out in the UK and I were talking via cell phones when his ex girl friend called him on his house line. He begged off their conversation telling her he was busy at the moment talking to me. She demanded to know who I was. I guess she’s the jealous type and not used to him putting her off to talk to someone else especially a female. Despite him repeatedly telling her that I was just a friend of his from New York she wasn’t satisfied with his answer and kept bickering with him about the true nature of our relationship. Meanwhile I am hearing the entire screaming match and wishing that they’d leave me out of their drama.


My friend at the end of his rope finally yelled into the phone, “YES! She’s my NEW girlfriend! That’s right she is my new girlfriend.” I knew that lie was going make things fugly for him and then I thought to myself that it was a good thing I was in New York otherwise she’d probably bitch slapped me. The next morning my friend went to his car only to find that all of his windows had been smashed …courtesy of his ex girl…all of his windows! He retaliated by keying her new car that same night. He and his artistic keys went to town on her car. He left it looking like a victim of scratchiti which is like graffiti sans the markers and paint.

Last night we were on the phone again and he confided in me that he thinks he is not over his ex girlfriend yet. Ahhh young love… The smashed windows would have done it for me but then again some relationships are more dysfunctional passionate than others. I told him that judging from her actions the feeling seemed to be mutual and that they really should talk about their feelings…but first he needs to make are no sharp objects around.


One thing for sure is they both hopefully learned a lesson out of this even if they don’t get back together. I’ll bet you he’ll never fib about the nature of our relationship to any chick ever again and I’m sure next time he tells her someone is just a friend she will believe him. Maybe they they need to be on meds or maybe there really is a thin line between love and hate, I’m not just sure yet.

It's a Thin Line Between Love and Hate

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Posted by @ 9:28 AM
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Thursday, April 05, 2007

Tigger and his dog

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Posted by @ 3:27 PM
3 comment from: Blogger DannieS72, Blogger Mia, Blogger DannieS72,


Papillona Sky's Monthly Post. a. no. secret Tag



This is no April Fool’s joke it’s time for Papillona Sky’s monthly Post. A. No. Secret. Tag.
Here’s the run down:
1. Post it on your blog or just Email it to Papillona Sky.

2. Link it to POST.A.NO.SECRET blog.

3. Revealing your identity is optional

Be careful not to share any information you wouldn't want the world to see.





Here’s my contribution to the tag for the month of April…


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Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Introducing Hannibal Hairctor The Puppy





It was early in the crusty morning and I was awakened by the rather insistent voice of my mother. “Mia, Mia wake up! Look at what that damn puppy did to me!” My brain tried to make sense of the words she was saying …puppy the woman said puppy. What puppy was she talking it about?! Oh crud it’s too early for this. I JUST went to bed…the sun isn’t out yet! Why does she keep saying puppy? It took my sleep deprived brain about a second to remember…. Oh THE puppy! A couple of weeks ago someone gave my brother a puppy we named him Tigger.

Mom’s was pissed…at the puppy it seemed. “Mia! Look at this! I can not believe this!” “What kind of a dog does this shit? This-this -this shit is NOT normal nena! ” I struggled to open my eyes. Ma was standing in front of me in her cantaloupe colored night gown waving one of her braids around. My eyes struggled to focus. I didn’t believe what I was seeing. Her braid was nearly severed it was being held together in the middle by a few strands of hair, the braid below it dangling like an autumn leaf hanging on to a branch for dear life. WTF happened to ma’s hair? the sleepy little voice in my head asked. My mother has great hair by the way; people are forever complementing her on it. Her hair naturally forms into a billion perfect spiral ringlets that reach her butt. Every night before she goes to bed she braids it into two Pocahontas style braids.

“Mia the fucking puppy chewed through one of my braids! ” I sat up in bed still not believing what I was seeing. My dad had gotten into the habit of putting puppy on the bed to sleep with him and ma because the puppy wouldn’t let my dad sleep with all of his whining and crying in the middle of the night and now the puppy refused to sleep with anyone else BUT my parents and now mom was paying the price…. at some point during the night the teething puppy used one of my mom’s braids as a chew toy.

“I guess I was so tired last night I didn’t feel him tugging on it." The sight of my mom’s braid just hanging by a thread was just too much for me. I burst out laughing. “I’m sorry mami I am soooo sorry! I can’t help myself!” I said in between fits of laughter. I was literally rolling all over my bed laughing. “I’ll probably start laughing later myself once the shock wears off.” She said as she walked out of my room cursing out the puppy pouncing behind her. I tried to get back to sleep but I couldn’t so I got out of bed and went looking for ma still not too certain that it had not been a dream. I found ma sitting at the dining table contemplating her braid. Now that I was fully awake I could really appreciate the damage. Tigger had chewed the braid right at the collar bone leaving at least 10 inches of braid dangling. Ma looked up at me, “I’m going to have to cut my hair….alot.”


I snapped a few pictures of the braid with my camera phone and emailed them out to friends and family. Almost immediately the phone started ringing everyone thought it was some sort of belated April fool’s joke. My dad called...

Dad:Babe I am really sorry. I never should have put him up on the bed with us. How about I take you to the beauty salon when I get out of work and have them fix it for you?

Mom: Don’t worry about it it’s only hair it will grow back. I’ll pass on the salon thanks anyway.

Dad:So what are you going to do you’re going to walk around with that braid hanging there all day long?

Mom: Nope. I am going to track down some sharp scissors and cut it off as soon as I’m done cleaning.

Dad: Honey I don’t think we have any sharp scissors, remember I was telling you last week we need to get new ones?

Mom : Oh yeah! It’s okay some where in this house we must have a sharp switch blade, or hunting knife after all we’re Puerto Ricans…switch blades are standard issued when we’re born.

Dad :Oh that is so wrong and as the only full blooded Puerto Rican in our house I am deeply offended.

Mom : Yeah, yeah man whatever…where’s your switch blade?

Dad :My closet, top shelf in the metal box.

Mom : Ha! See I knew you had one!

For the rest of the morning she went about her routine with that braid just dangling. When my sister Caity saw her she let out an ear piercing shriek that only teenaged girls seem to be able to pull off without giving themselves a brain aneurism. For my sister the hair thing was traumatic while her hair is just as long as moms it is bone straight like my fathers and she wishes it was curly. She absolutely adores mom’s hair because she says mom looks like a flower child. Caity is right actually with her smooth complexion, long flowing skirts, tinted Lennon style glasses, and dangling earrings made by her Inuit friend she really does looks like a college student straight out of the 60’s.

Just before noon Caity a naturally talented hair stylist got her best hair cutting scissors, “Sit down mommy I’m going to fix it for you and even it out.” She said as she gently guided my mom into a chair. When it was over more than 12 inches of hair had been cut. My mother’s hair was now resting on the top of her shoulders. “Just look at this way ma,” I offered. “It’s spring and you’ve got a new hairstyle to celebrate!” “So very true little one, I’ve also got a killer head ache from Hannibal Hairctor pulling on my hair all night long.” she said as she pointed at the sleeping puppy at her feet.

When my grandfather arrived for lunch he gave mom his spin on things….

Grandfather : Gracias a Dios it was only your hair nena! It could have been much worse you know.

Mom : How you figure papi?

Grandfather : Bueno mija you know how heavy a sleeper Willie is right?

Mom :Yeah

Grandfather : So it could’ve been his penis the dog chewed off instead of your braid.

Mom : Ay Dios mio daddy! Let’s not go there!

Grandfather : You know the dog could have been nibbling away at your husband and poor Willie thinking it was you….

Mom : Papi!

Grandfather : Like I said thank God it was only your hair.


This song goes out to Ma from my father …Hair by The Cowsills and from Caity to mom The Rain, the Park & Other Things also by The Cowsills.


PS: Here’s Tigger aka Hannibal Hairctor




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Posted by @ 9:36 AM
6 comment from: Blogger DannieS72, Blogger Mia, Blogger Mia, Blogger Mia, Blogger Jane, Blogger Ch@rl0tt€,


Monday, April 02, 2007

Tagged by Phoenix


I was tagged by Phoenix for the following tag…I kept it low key I don’t think y’all can handle all of my weirdness…lol here we go….

The Rule: “Each player of this game starts off with ten weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own ten weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose six people to be tagged and list their names. No tag backs!”

1.Every single time I go out something crazy happens to me or my friends. It never fails. True story.

2.I hate canned vegetables.

3.I like to dip my Mac Donald’s fries in my soda/milkshake

4.Because of my curly hair my mother calls me “Medusa”

5.Friends call me Mini Mia

6.I have yet to find a pair of gloves that fit my hands perfectly, they are all too big.

7.I wanted to be a zoologist when I was a college freshman.

8.I collect seashells

9.I collect fairy dolls/figurines

10.I have 5 tattoos


At this point I’m supposed to tag five people but alas I hate putting that pressure on people. Soooo if you’re into tagging please consider yourself tag and let me know if you did it. I’d love to see what you’ve got.

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Posted by @ 9:45 AM
5 comment from: Blogger phoenix, Blogger Eunee, Blogger Jane, Blogger Jane, Blogger Mia,


Sunday, April 01, 2007

Crouching Drunk, Giggling Mia


I was waiting at the bus stop in Queens with a friend when I spotted this drunken guy not too far from where I was standing. It was a really nice night and a lot of people were out and about. Ordinarily I wouldn’t have given the drunk a second look there was nothing remarkable about him. Except that every single time an oriental looking person walked by the drunk guy would go into a Kung-Fu stance, and since the neighborhood I was in has a large Asian population he was doing this a lot. As soon as he’d spot an Asian headed his way he’d raise one leg in the air , lift one arm over his head and hold the other one in front of him as if he were in a martial arts movie then he’d do a snaking action with his head and yell out “ Wahhhhh!” and do an air kick.

The people being typical New Yorkers would just ignore him and walk around him. Of course because I have no shame I thought it was hysterical and burst out laughing. I could not hold it in no matter how hard I tried. My friend didn’t find it amusing she kept looking at the guy with a “what the hell?!” face. As soon as I’d calm myself down he’d start up with the next passerby and I’d be on a roll all over again. I owe a big ass apology to the oriental community of Queens. So ahem if you were in Queens on Friday by the #44 bus and saw the little Latina chick laughing hysterically as the drunk guy did his best Bruce Lee imitation… I am so so veryyyyyy sorry!

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Posted by @ 12:50 PM
4 comment from: Blogger phoenix, Blogger DannieS72, Blogger laila, Blogger Mia,