Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Holy Monkey, Save Me From Stupid Drunk Bitches



“I’m 23 years old!” she whined sounding way younger. “You’re a 23 year old drunk female with no common sense.” I replied as I reached out for her pinning the guy with her in his seat with one of my patented “make a stupid move and I will punch you in the throat” stares.


“Holy monkey, save me from stupid drunk bitches.” I muttered under my breath as I yanked the female out of the wannabe romeo’s car “He’s Egyptian and Puerto Rican Mia!” she whined when we were a short distance away from his car. “Pfft, he’s a Sparab, big deal all that means is that bi-racial pig.” I shot back and glared at our clubbing companions.

We were out celebrating our friends Tanya’s birthday. Tanya and I’ve been friends since high school and even though our academic careers took us on separate paths we’ve always stayed in touch and remained close with each other. Tanya’s crew however was new to me this was our first time around each other. They were new to the “no one left behind, we stick together” rule I’ve embedded into my home girls aka the drunken fairy coven over the years.

The guy had been hitting on females left and right in the club with no luck until he hit pay dirt with the drunken 23 year old female I was currently gripping onto. His plan was to drop his friend off at his place and then come back for the 23 year old and leave with her somewhere else. I refused to let her go off with him. After he left I asked her crew to keep an eye on her while I shook my money maker on the dance floor. While I was busy being one with the music the guy returned to claim her. “Where is she I asked?” when I returned from the dance floor and was informed that she'd just stepped outside with the guy.

I bolted towards the exit looking for her and the crew followed me. My eyes swept the crowd of cars parked along the club. “What car is he driving?” I asked. They gave their shoulders a collective shrug. I exhaled a deep breath “Wonderful, you let your drunk out of her mind friend leave with a guy you don’t know and no one bothered to find out what his name, check his ID, what he was driving, or to get his license plate?” I asked. God I miss my friends. They seemed to be struck with at least nine kinds of stupid and unable to move. “Don’t you remember what happened to that girl from John Jay? I asked. They remembered the headlines, they remembered the story so there was no need for me to explain but obviously the 23 year old needed a lecture and I was more than willing to provide it.

Are you fucking crazy?” I asked shaking her slightly. “You don’t know this guy from a hole in the wall. How the hell were you going to leave with him?” As patiently as I could I explained to her why I thought that was a bad idea and how he had the aura of horny bastard wanting to score some ass clinging all over him. “I’m not like that she exclaimed. “and how does he know that, and what do you think is going to happen when you refuse him? For all you know he can leave you stranded somewhere. Did he tell you where he was taking you?” She shook her head no. “Look if he was really interested in getting to know you as a person and not just wanting to score some ass he and his friend would have joined us and when the evening was done he would’ve gotten your number and took it from there. In the meanwhile you guys could have danced and chilled here there was no need to whisk you off somewhere. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

My reasoning fell on death ears. I shook my head and informed her that I was not allowing her to go with him anywhere. “I’m not into cock blocking I told her but this doesn’t feel right. “I’m 23 years old she repeated. “Good for you," I said "I’ll get you a cookie for that later. Like I said you’re a 23 year old drunk female with no common sense right now and you're not going anywhere with him tonight not while i'm here. Period.” I'm starting to sound more and more like my mother everyday.

Labels: Drinking, new friends, night life

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Posted by @ 11:32 AM
4 comment from:  Just Jane,  Anonymous,  Anonymous,  Mia,

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

That's No Way To Win Friends and Influence People

I’d gone to the biker bar as a favor to Guay to keep her company while she got her wrist tattooed. Mike,the guy that does my tats owns the bar and on certain nights he inks from the apartment over the bar. Guay and I were on our way up the stairs to the apartment at the same time a group of guys were on their way down and we met half way. The stairs were really narrow so the leather clad bikers stepped aside to allow Guay and me space to continue up. I was at most two steps above the guys when someone reached up and cupped one of my cheeks giving it a healthy squeeze and slapped it.


I honestly wasn’t thinking blinded by rage and a stinging butt cheek I whirled around and jumped down onto the step below me and nailed the first guy I saw across the face with my forearm making him lose his balance and hit the wall with his back. “Oh shit!” one of his companions shouted and laughed “shorty decked you!” The guy stared at me in shock at first and then a slow smile crept over his face as he ran his hand over his nose. Guay fearing that the guy would hit me pulled at me from the step above and I shrugged out of her grip wanting to stay where I was. I figured if I was going to have to fight the spot I was standing in was just fine.

Instead of blowing a gasket the way I thought he would the guy shook his head and then apologized to me for his actions. He introduced himself as “Mike’s nephew” and asked my name as the blood started to trickle down his nose. I glared at him and without saying a word reached into the front pocket of my messenger bag and handed him my pack of Kleenix tissues. As he reached for them he smiled again and thanked me. Feeling a surge of adrenaline and wanting to get out of there before the guy decided he was supposed to be angry and retaliate I turned my back on him and jogged up the stairs. He asked my name again and I flipped him the bird over my shoulder, “I’m love!” he yelled at my back as I reached the top of the landing.

“Well that’s no way to win friends and influence people.” I muttered under my breath to Guay as I grabbed the stair case railing to the next flight of stairs. “That’s going to leave a mark.” Guay wisely surmised I wasn’t sure if she meant the smack to my butt or the forearm to his face.

Labels: new york, night life

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Posted by @ 10:21 PM
1 comment from:  Anonymous,

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Waiting on a friend

It was one of those magical New York nights when the stars and planets are aligned in your favor, and even though the weather was a little hot and humid it was breezy enough that your curls behaved nicely and were not doing the afro puff thing. Life was good.

The evening had started out with a one man show by Rick Cleveland called “My Friend Bill” about his friendship with the former president. One story in particular about Christopher Walken smoking a joint in Amsterdam was really funny. After the show we met up with friends at a Mexican lounge for dancing and drinks. I was introduced to a drink called la cucaracha (the cockroach) and after a sip I understood why it was called that, my leg shook as if I were a roach from el barrio (them heffas are mad tough) on the losing side of a battle with a can of Raid.

After a bit of dancing one of my friends needed a cigarette break so we stepped out side and sat at one of their sidewalk tables while she puffed away. We weren’t there for long when this guy on his way out of the lounge looked at me and double backed. "You’re Puerto Rican aren’t you?" “Who me?” asked my Guyanese friend… "No her." he said pointing at me. I took a sip of my bottled water before replying, "Yeah I am." "I knew it! I can spot my own people a mile away!" He was a Puerto Rican attending college in one of the "red" states where the only Latinos around were the ones that had crossed the border. He was visiting New York for the first time and really excited about finding one of his own people so far from home. "There’s more of us here in NYC than there is actually on the island so stick around man you’ll be spotting another one of us any minute now!" I told him. Talking to a fellow Boriqua even though I was New York born seemed to ease his homesickness for the moment.

Our conversation attracted the attention of a sailor standing near us trying to hail a cab back to his hotel. I caught him looking at me and chuckling at our jokes a few times and invited him to join us. He was on leave and also visiting NYC for the first time. His leave was almost up he was leaving NYC in the morning and in a matter of days he'd be headed out to Iraq. We spoke about life in the service; life on a submarine,college life, and of course politics. In between we laughed a lot and discovered how much we all had in common despite coming from different backgrounds and different parts of the country. As we sat there shooting the breeze someone drove by blasting an old Rolling Stones song, "Waiting on a friend" and it just seemed to fit the scenario perfectly.

Finally it was time for me to leave, after nearly two hours a small posse had been formed and been sent in search of me. I called a car service for the guys and waited with them until their cabs arrived. Before I left we all hugged and the guys asked to take a picture with me. We took a couple of shots of us as a group hugging each other and another few acting silly then of course there were obligatory cheesy grin ones. As I headed back up the stairs into the lounge I felt compelled to turn around for one last look. The Puerto Rican guy shouted out to me,"Hey you owe me a dance!" "Next time!" I shouted back at him as he took one last photo of me before getting into his cab and driving off. The sailor stuck his head out of his cab window as his car pulled out giving me a salute and gentle smile. I saluted him back before disappearing into the crowded lounge.

Labels: new friends, new york, night life

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Posted by @ 12:07 PM
3 comment from:  DannieS72,  phoenix,  Emory Mayne,