Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Holy Monkey, Save Me From Stupid Drunk Bitches



“I’m 23 years old!” she whined sounding way younger. “You’re a 23 year old drunk female with no common sense.” I replied as I reached out for her pinning the guy with her in his seat with one of my patented “make a stupid move and I will punch you in the throat” stares.


“Holy monkey, save me from stupid drunk bitches.” I muttered under my breath as I yanked the female out of the wannabe romeo’s car “He’s Egyptian and Puerto Rican Mia!” she whined when we were a short distance away from his car. “Pfft, he’s a Sparab, big deal all that means is that bi-racial pig.” I shot back and glared at our clubbing companions.

We were out celebrating our friends Tanya’s birthday. Tanya and I’ve been friends since high school and even though our academic careers took us on separate paths we’ve always stayed in touch and remained close with each other. Tanya’s crew however was new to me this was our first time around each other. They were new to the “no one left behind, we stick together” rule I’ve embedded into my home girls aka the drunken fairy coven over the years.

The guy had been hitting on females left and right in the club with no luck until he hit pay dirt with the drunken 23 year old female I was currently gripping onto. His plan was to drop his friend off at his place and then come back for the 23 year old and leave with her somewhere else. I refused to let her go off with him. After he left I asked her crew to keep an eye on her while I shook my money maker on the dance floor. While I was busy being one with the music the guy returned to claim her. “Where is she I asked?” when I returned from the dance floor and was informed that she'd just stepped outside with the guy.

I bolted towards the exit looking for her and the crew followed me. My eyes swept the crowd of cars parked along the club. “What car is he driving?” I asked. They gave their shoulders a collective shrug. I exhaled a deep breath “Wonderful, you let your drunk out of her mind friend leave with a guy you don’t know and no one bothered to find out what his name, check his ID, what he was driving, or to get his license plate?” I asked. God I miss my friends. They seemed to be struck with at least nine kinds of stupid and unable to move. “Don’t you remember what happened to that girl from John Jay? I asked. They remembered the headlines, they remembered the story so there was no need for me to explain but obviously the 23 year old needed a lecture and I was more than willing to provide it.

Are you fucking crazy?” I asked shaking her slightly. “You don’t know this guy from a hole in the wall. How the hell were you going to leave with him?” As patiently as I could I explained to her why I thought that was a bad idea and how he had the aura of horny bastard wanting to score some ass clinging all over him. “I’m not like that she exclaimed. “and how does he know that, and what do you think is going to happen when you refuse him? For all you know he can leave you stranded somewhere. Did he tell you where he was taking you?” She shook her head no. “Look if he was really interested in getting to know you as a person and not just wanting to score some ass he and his friend would have joined us and when the evening was done he would’ve gotten your number and took it from there. In the meanwhile you guys could have danced and chilled here there was no need to whisk you off somewhere. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

My reasoning fell on death ears. I shook my head and informed her that I was not allowing her to go with him anywhere. “I’m not into cock blocking I told her but this doesn’t feel right. “I’m 23 years old she repeated. “Good for you," I said "I’ll get you a cookie for that later. Like I said you’re a 23 year old drunk female with no common sense right now and you're not going anywhere with him tonight not while i'm here. Period.” I'm starting to sound more and more like my mother everyday.

Labels: Drinking, new friends, night life

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Posted by @ 11:32 AM
4 comment from:  Just Jane,  Anonymous,  Anonymous,  Mia,

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

I’ve Had Some of The Best times I’ll Never Remember With You

It was supposed to be a quiet evening at a friend’s house, a small group of stressed out college students winding down after exams bonding over a bottle of tequila. Guay was a couple of shots away from putting a lampshade on her head. Our host was feeling no pain, well at least not yet.

Guay and I were philosophizing about the true meaning of life and our purpose in this world when she excused herself to use the bathroom. Our host looked at me, “What the fuck was that all about?” she asked. “It’s our inner geek. Give us a few shots and we channel Socrates and Plato.”
I replied shrugging my shoulders. At that our host let loose a peal of laughter kicking her leg out just as the already wobbly Guay was mincing past her causing Guay to lose her balance. Holy monkey, this is going down bad. I thought to myself as I watched the mighty Guay topple. She landed hard on her knees with her open mouth on the girl’s bare knee. The girl let out a yelp and rubbed her knee. Our eyes quickly darted between Guay, our host, her knee and when Guay ran her finger along the front of her teeth we exploded in laughter. Guay had not only taken out a small chunk of the knee but she’d left teeth marks behind as well. Our host stared down at her knee in disbelief as a small trickle of blood made its way down towards her shin.

“She bit me, she fucking bit me!” our host gasped laughing as she ran off to take care of her injury. I bent over Guay and wagged my finger in her face,“Bad Guay, bad, bad Guay! It’s not nice to eat the host!" That was a big mistake on my part because it only made Guay laugh, making it more difficult to get her up off the floor. Guay is a big chick, a tall chick, I look like one of the 7 dwarfs standing next to her. Lifting a drunken Guay in the throes of hysterical laughter was not an easy task so a couple of the females rushed over to give me a hand. As we struggled to get Guay off the floor I whispered in her ear, “So is true what they say Guay… does it taste just like chicken?”

That was the remark that pretty much busted the camel’s back or in this case I should say the camel’s bladder. She laughed so hard she turned red… she laughed so hard she cried… she laughed so hard she peed. “Ladies be careful the floor is slippery I don’t want anyone busting their asses on the piss. I don’t think anyone wants to go home smelling of urine and tequila, it’s not the latest J-Lo fragrance you know.” I warned the females as I dropped Guay onto a folding chair while someone ran off to get her a change of clothes.

Guay draped her arms around my waist and hugged me “Mia I think I chipped my tooth on her knee.” She muttered. “It doesn’t surprise me your mouth hit her knee pretty hard.” I said as I rested my chin on the top of her head. “Hello you bit a piece of her off. Look at her over there a snoopy band-aid covering up her missing chunk of knee. That’s just so damn sad. I hope you’re happy now. You’ve ended her kneecap modeling career you damn cannibal.” Guay laughed again and this time managed to pee on one of my sneakers. “Yo, just how much urine does a human bladder hold?” I asked one of the girls. “I think this chick is part camel or something.” One of the girls laughed. “Mia shut up before she drowns you!” she said pointing to my feet as another little trickle landed on my brand new black leather Nike’s as Guay continued to laugh.” “Remind me to get you some Depends next time we drink.”

A short time later Guay emerged from the bathroom wearing a pair of sweat pants provided by our host. Her sister called she was on her way to pick her up. As we waited for her ride outside Guay hugged me, “You don’t have to pee again do you?” I teased. She laughed,“No, Mia I am so embarrassed.” “Don’t be.",said the host. “That shit was mad funny.” “Besides,” I added, "You won’t even remember this in the morning." Guay nodded her head, “True that. Yo Mia I’ve had some of the best times I’ll never remember with you.”

Labels: Drinking, Embarassing Moments, friends

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Posted by @ 12:40 AM
3 comment from:  Mia,  Anonymous,  Mia,

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Crouching Drunk, Giggling Mia

I was waiting at the bus stop in Queens with a friend when I spotted this drunken guy not too far from where I was standing. It was a really nice night and a lot of people were out and about. Ordinarily I wouldn’t have given the drunk a second look there was nothing remarkable about him. Except that every single time an oriental looking person walked by the drunk guy would go into a Kung-Fu stance, and since the neighborhood I was in has a large Asian population he was doing this a lot. As soon as he’d spot an Asian headed his way he’d raise one leg in the air , lift one arm over his head and hold the other one in front of him as if he were in a martial arts movie then he’d do a snaking action with his head and yell out “ Wahhhhh!” and do an air kick.

The people being typical New Yorkers would just ignore him and walk around him. Of course because I have no shame I thought it was hysterical and burst out laughing. I could not hold it in no matter how hard I tried. My friend didn’t find it amusing she kept looking at the guy with a “what the hell?!” face. As soon as I’d calm myself down he’d start up with the next passerby and I’d be on a roll all over again. I owe a big ass apology to the oriental community of Queens. So ahem if you were in Queens on Friday by the #44 bus and saw the little Latina chick laughing hysterically as the drunk guy did his best Bruce Lee imitation… I am so so veryyyyyy sorry!

Labels: Drinking, new york

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Posted by @ 12:50 PM
4 comment from:  phoenix,  DannieS72,  Laila K,  Mia,

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Hello my name is Mia and I steal fruit

We went out drinking Angela warned me “That’s enough Mia no more for you. You’re going to get drunk.” Oh yee of liffle fay, nunsent I’m not getting dwunk I’mma liffle tipsy that’s all! I thought to myself which is why when what’s his name brought me that last drink I drank it. When Angie came back from the loo she found me with a Cheshire cat grin downing my Sambusca. Sambusca the forbidden drink! Yeah that was the drink that put me over.

We went outside to hail a cab for me walking past Fine Fare’s out door produce display. “Oh look fruit! Let me get a fruit, let me get a pear!” I tried to make a break from underneath Angie’s umbrella to grab it but she stopped me. We walked a few more feet and I spotted some apples. It seems that when drunk I think fast on my wobbly feet. I kept staring at the apples, Granny Smith my favorite. All that stood between me and that gorgeous shiny pale green apple was a tall Italian chick named Angela because the Mexican produce guy seemed to have no objection to me having an apple. Well I think he was Mexican I’m not too sure he could’ve been Asian with 2 heads for all I know by that time things were starting to look a little blurry…okay I lie a lot blurry. Things were looking a lot blurry. Anyway back to the story….

As I was saying the guy guarding the produce seemed to have no objection to me having the afore mentioned apple… it was just Angela. I felt the light bulb go on over my head (oy that was going to ache in the morning), “Angie my phone! I can’t find my phone!” as I ran my finger over the phone in my pocket. Angie then left me under the umbrella while she ran off to search for my phone. As soon as she was out of site I pounced on the apples! No joke here I’m serious. I literally pounced on the fruit causing the produce guy to start laughing. I stood ¼ of a inch away from the apples my hand poised in the air ready to snatch one up. I turned my head to look at him and gave him a smile, and in my best Jim Carrey imitation hissed, “I’m taking this!” and waved it at him announcing my theft to the world. I could’ve sworn I heard him laugh. I reached into my messenger bag and pulled out a bottle of water and rinsed the apple off quickly yelled, “My germs!” and bit into it in order to prevent it from being taken away from me. A few minutes later my apple and I were in the back of a cab making our way home. Through out the ride home I chatted with Angie on the phone while spitting out apple peel all over the back of the cab. Don’t worry the cab driver was compensated for this he got a $20.00 tip.

As soon as I got home I put the half-eaten apple in the fridge for safe keeping. It seems I am also thrifty when plastered. Snuggled under my covers a bit later it suddenly hit me I have stolen fruit before under the influence of alcohol! Several months ago while drinking I snatched up two tiny limes and brought them home with me. I even waved them at the vendor and told him I was taking them and he just started laughing. I’m a fruit thief when drunk! As I drifted off to sleep the room started spinning and this dance song was playing in my head “Tumba la casa tumba la casa…” ” Why is this room spinning? Stop spinning! I’m never drinking like that again… why are there so many people here? Hello my name is Mia and I steal fruit. ” are the last things I heard myself mumbling before I drifted off to sleep.

Labels: Drinking

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Posted by @ 11:46 AM
11 comment from:  christina/ohio,  The Krispy Dixie,  2 Second Club ®,  Mia,  Emory Mayne,  Anonymous,  Mia,  christina/ohio,  DannieS72,  Sudiegirl,  Emory Mayne,

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

A Drooly Stolen Kiss

L-R: Reina, Magz,and Angie
A group of us went out on Saturday night to celebrate the end of the term. Btw if you’ve never had mojitos please by all means treat yourself to one a few. Just watch it ‘cause they tend to sneak up on you.

I am happy to report that even though our group consumed a lot of hooch there was no burning fingers, street puking or tucking and rolling like last time. However there was a drooly stolen kiss…

The time had come to go home and I went outside while the others got themselves together the lounge was hot and crowded I needed some air. I was standing outside in a slightly drunk buzzed state enjoying the late night breeze when this drunk guy approached me and started hitting on me. He spoke to me in thick slurred Dominican accented Spanish which I had a hard time understanding and no it wasn’t because I was drunk buzzed, so stop arching your eyebrow at me. It’s just that I’ve always have had a hard time with Dominican accents especially when the person is drunk and I am drunk buzzed. That just complicates things.

Not wanting to be rude I told him I was waiting for my girlfriend thinking he’d move on. Nope it didn’t buy the gay ploy; it must have been used on him before. He continued to hit on me. Just then the phone rang it was my friends; the block was so crowded they couldn’t see me. I gave them a landmark and jokingly told them to hurry up before I beat the drunken man down with my cell phone. For the next few minutes which by the way can seem like an eternity when you’re being hit on by a drunken guy, he was my weaving body guard. Seeing my friends approach I gave him a small goodbye wave and started to walk towards them. Just then the drunken guy leaned in said something I couldn’t make out and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, depositing quite a decent amount of drool on my face. Thank God for there were people nearby to save me otherwise I might have drowned in it. My reaction was a startled one I didn’t know whether to kick in the shins or laugh. In the end I had to laugh wiping my cheek with the sleeve of my hoody.

Sunday afternoon Reina insisted on interrupting my hangover movie to ask if I was still drunk… Attention Reina I was not drunk. I didn’t sing Winnie The Pooh did I? No I didn’t. That means I was not drunk, tipsy perhaps but not drunk. Everyone knows I sing Winnie The Pooh when I’ve had a wee too much to drink and there was no “Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh Tubby little cubby all stuffed with fluff. He's Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh Willy nilly silly ole bear” coming outta my mouth and if memory serves me right I didn’t call out “Ohhh Christopher Robin” to any of waiters in order to get their attention.

Labels: Drinking, new york

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Posted by @ 12:27 AM
6 comment from:  Unknown,  2 Second Club ®,  2 Second Club ®,  Mr. Khurram,  Just Jane,  Mia,

Monday, May 15, 2006

It's going to cost you more than a dollar..

When I was in high school the must have thing for the guys was a Kama sutra sexual positions handout that was printed on a sheet of paper. They'd carry it around in their pockets folded into a square and pass it around during class. The reaction was always the same the boys would leer and point out the ones they wanted to do and the ones they had done, the girls would gasp and giggle.

The printed handout that kept so many of us cracking up at Stevenson is making a come back with street vendors.. A couple of nights ago I saw a vendor with a cardboard sign advertising the Kama sutra print out, he had a copy of the print out taped to his sign and below it $1.00

I was several feet away from him when this outrageously drunk lady stumbled onto the side walked looked up and saw his sign. Without missing a beat she said in a beautifully slurred English accent, "Oy that's going to cost you more than a dollar love!"

The vendor just stared at her for a split second and began cracking up, I was dying!
 

Labels: Drinking, new york

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Posted by @ 10:55 AM
4 comment from:  christina/ohio,  Aisha,  Mia,  Emory Mayne,

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Finger flambé, tucking and rolling, Angela reborn, a wonderful Saturday night

New York had been experiencing spring like weather for several weeks which is pretty unusual for January. All of that came to an end on Saturday. It was freezing, windy, the rain seemed to be coming down in sheets and the weather man had promised it would all be turning into snow after 11 pm. For once the weather dude was right. It was a perfect night to stay indoors and make it a blockbuster night. However I’d promised a friend I’d do the lounge lizard thing with her and a group of equally brave friends. So for the love of my amiga I ventured out of my warm comfy Bronx cocoon into Queens.

We were celebrating my friend finally breaking up with her boyfriend. She had broken up with the butt wipe several times before, but the breakups never lasted more than 24 hrs. It has now been 3 weeks. He’d pleaded, faked illness, physically threatened her and still she HAD NOT CAVED IN! Anytime she felt like she was about to give in she’d call me and I’d play Dr. Mia, therapist to mistreated girlfriends. Hours upon hours of discussion and an intervention session from another friend and I had paid off…she HAD NOT CAVED IN! Yes indeedy time to celebrate! The hangover and the throbbing finger I had the next day were well worth it.

We were served a round of fancy shmancy drinks, the flaming kind. By the way I’m now of the strong opinion that they should be serving these alongside mini fire extinguishers, Alcohol and fire don’t mix or maybe I should say Mia, alcohol and fire DO NOT mix. At some point when I was handed my booze ala flambé some of the alcohol must have splashed onto my finger …that’s my story and I’m sticking to it…unless you can come up with something better. All I know is that as we raised our glasses to toast our beloved Angela for finally coming to her senses someone quite excitedly I might add, pointed out that my finger was on fire. As they made their wishes and blew on my finger my eyes raced along the crowded table in search of a glass of NON ALCOHOLIC liquid to dunk my finger in. Luckily for me I found a glass of water and put my finger out. After that my finger let me know it was fine by constantly throbbing.

We continued to party on because heaven forbid we should let something as trivial as a flame broiled finger stop us! A good time was had by all especially Reina. Not only did she puke a block away from the lounge but several blocks later she slipped on the snowy streets. The thing was she just didn’t fall, she tucked and rolled people! It was like something out of a movie. She tucked and rolled her way down the street. When she finally stopped rolling, she just sat up unable to get up. I wish I could say that I ran to her rescue or that I even tried to prevent her fall but that is not the case I was laughing too hard to be of any help to her. My bf had to help her up. When she made it to her feet we realized that she had lost both of her earrings. She had them when she left the lounge and she still had them during her open air puke fest, so we can only assume that while she was tucking and rolling her hoops came out. All in all despite the finger flambé and the tucking and rolling it was a wonderful Saturday night, Angela was reborn.
Looking back I think we need to make a list for the next time we chill:

::1:: Make sure Reina is earring free.

::2:: Make sure there’s a fire extinguisher handy.

::3:: Limit Reina to 2 drinks.

::4::Make sure Reina has training wheels on her ass.

Labels: bar stories, Drinking

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Posted by @ 2:12 PM
3 comment from:  Unknown,  Just Jane,  Mia,