Sunday, August 19, 2007

The Texan's Tale


Every now and then you come across a story so fantastic it’s hard to believe it’s true. This is one of them, a story so rich in imagery that it’s best told in a bar with music playing in the background and an ice cold corona in front of you. The owner of this story swears to all that is holy and semi-sacred that it’s true.

Many, many, many years ago when our troops were fighting in the jungles of an unpopular war a tall good looking man from Texas barely 20 years old went over to Mexico with a couple of friends for a night of drinking . They ended up in a bar in a little town not too far from Tijuana. The tall Texan caught the eye of one of the waitresses in the bar and when her shift was over she stayed on to talk with him. Even though she was a little older than him the Texan swore to his audience that she had been the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Everything was going well until her husband’s arrival.

The man came in mad as hell and stomped towards the bar. The bartender quickly pointed him in the direction of his wife and the Texan who were making their way back to their table from the dance floor. The angry husband immediately stepped in between the woman and the Texan and started yelling at his wife. At first the Texan couldn’t believe what he was seeing. He thought it was the effects of the liquor. The Texan estimated the angry husband to be around 4ft 6 inches tall. The husband shoved his hands into his pockets as he yelled at his wife causing his jacket to expose the leather belt he wore. The belt had 8 visible holsters and each of those holsters held a dagger. The Texan was sure that the belt held a few more holsters behind the midget’s back.

The Texan’s friends quickly gathered around him pulling him towards the door while the midget’s wife tried to cajole her husband towards the back.The Texan tried to calm the husband explaining in his gringo accented Spanish that there was nothing going on and invited the man to join them for a drink However the more the Texan spoke the angrier the midget got. As he watched the midget put his pudgy little hand on the handle of one of the daggers the idea that the midget might be part of knife throwing act in a local circus crossed the Texan’s mind. He barely had time to process the thought when the jealous husband flew at the Texan with a dagger in each hand. He slashed the Texan across his forearms and stomach. He lunged at the Texan and stabbed him in each thigh leaving a dagger stuck in one. When the Texan stepped back to pull out the dagger the midget came at him again with another. The Texan swore that the midget was aiming for his manhood.


As the Texan and his friends ran towards the door he heard the clatter of a dagger landing on the floor behind him. The midget was actually throwing daggers at the Texan. He had almost made it to his car when he felt a dagger dig into his calf. He stopped and turned around in disbelief. His friends already in the running car opened the passenger door and yelled at him to get in. As he jumped into the car a dagger flew by the Texan embedding itself in the passenger seat. The Texan then reached under the seat and pulled out a gun and began firing at the midget’s feet. When he realized he was being shot at the midget stopped dead in his tracks, he had run out of daggers and obviously hadn’t anticipated the possibility of a gun. The Texan squeezed off a couple of more shots as the car sped off into the night making its way towards the border.

When he was done telling his story everyone laughed. The Texan insisted that it had never been his intention to hurt the little guy he just wanted to put the fear of Jesus in the midget’s ass. The idea of a dagger throwing Mexican midget cracked every body up but no one really believed the story. They all thought it was the tall tale of a restaurant owner entertaining his guests at the bar until their table was ready. No one believed him until the Texan rolled up his sleeves and pulled up his shirt. His forearms, lower chest, and abdomen were covered with scars that looked like slash marks. He raised his pants leg and flashed the stab mark on his calf. “What happened to the midget and his wife?” the audience asked.“ I married her after she left him.” he said and he pointed to the beautiful older woman behind the cash register talking with customers.

Labels: a day in the life, Bar, midget, stories

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Posted by @ 11:09 PM
4 comment from:  DannieS72,  J@ckp1ne,  shiju,  Anonymous,

Monday, July 16, 2007

The Fischer Himmel Wedding

Love is a beautiful thing my people. Saturday, 7.7.07 was a big day for my gentle giant in a small wedding ceremony she married Carl the duck sauce to her egg roll.

The thing about weddings is that there is always so much more going on than just the wedding there are side stories going on all over the place. Of course Jackie’s was no different…


Story #1:Follow The Trailer People

I had originally intended to take a friend to the wedding because my BF had to work that day. It didn’t work out that way. For some reason that I couldn’t grasp her family wanted only couples to attend the wedding. If it had been anyone else I would have just skipped the wedding but this was Jackie’s wedding and I was not going to miss it. So instead Joshua took the day off and I threw on some war paint (make-up) and off we went to Floral Park NY…

Because everything was in close proximity the wedding party and guests had no need of cars once we reached Floral Park. We were able to walk from Jackie’s house to the ceremony and then to the reception from there. The walk through Floral Park reminded me of wedding parties I had seen in Egypt making their way through the streets in full wedding regalia, all we needed was some trilling and traveling music. Someone asked which way we were going and Joshua said, “Just follow the trail of people.” Little did we know that this sentence would be a source of potential drama later on.

At the reception one of the tables (groom’s family) across from us kept staring at Josh and not in a warm loving way if you get my drift it seems the eyeball daggers being aimed at Josh had to do with the "follow the trail of people" remark earlier in the day. Being the smart chick she is Jackie wanted to avoid any fights since the combination of a misunderstanding and free flowing booze can be toxic to any social event. She pulled me to the side and asked me about Josh’s remark.

Jackie: Mia did Josh say follow the trailer people?
I burst out laughing because honestly that sounded like something I would say…it seemed someone had heard wrong complained to the groom’s mother about what they thought they heard and she in turn complained to Jackie….

Mia: (still laughing) No . He would never say anything like that. He’s not that type of person now me on the other hand you know…(laughing) What he said was," Follow the trail of people".

Of course me being a smart ass I wanted to add well if they felt the shoe was a fit in terms of trailer people that’s on them but I didn’t. Instead to prove my point I called Josh over and without going into details asked him to repeat the remark…

Josh: Follow the trail of people.

Satisfied Jackie went off to tell her mom-in-law that the person had heard wrong. Later on the mother-in-law apologized to Joshua for the misunderstanding.



Story #2: There’s Puerto Ricans Around Hide Your Wallets.

Everyone was outside waiting for the bride to emerge so we could make our way over to city hall. One of the guests in an attempt at humor remarked to another guest that the wedding looked like a Mexican wedding. Uhhh, no it didn’t. Latino weddings are a beautiful explosion of music, flowers, and intricate colorful decorations and while this wedding was beautiful in itself I saw none of the traditional hoopla of Latino weddings on the street that day. See the thing is the Mexican wedding remark wasn’t met as a compliment it was meant as a dis.
Oh my the clever white girl made a funny! Ha! Ha frigging ha! Excuse me while I slap her laugh along with her.

The chick was so slow that she didn’t even realize she was actually insulting one of her own peeps after all it was their wedding. The other guest knew that I was Puerto Rican and spotting me a few feet ahead of her remarked, “You know there’s Puerto Ricans around hide your wallets. They like to steal.” By the way I guess I should mention that I was the only Puerto Rican other than Josh at the wedding. Ha-ha no inappropriately dressed heffa with huge stain shaped like Russia on shirt Puerto Ricans don’t do the wallet thing that’s some other ethnic group. We Puerto Ricans prefer to steal cars, and to stab you with our switch blades so get your stereo-types straight beeotch.

What the two idiots didn’t realize was that the guy standing behind them was my BF. Joshua sized up the situation and took into consideration the following…
1. It was excruciating hot and humid and I get kind of cranky in that weather. So please for the love of God if you value your life don’t do anything stupid in my presence.

2. My cute shoes were scraping the back of my foot. I wanted nothing more than to take off that damn left shoe and if you gave me a good enough reason I’d beat your ass down with said shoe.

3. My temper. I’m Maggie’s daughter ‘nuff said.


Taking that all in Josh decided to keep what he heard to himself at least until we left the wedding. Ahh yes smart move on his part. Very smart. The last thing anyone needed was the sight of me beating some chick down in the bushes with her own camera.

Story # 3: If You Hurt Her I Will Kill You.

I’ve known Jackie now for about nine years. We’ve stood by each other through some pretty rough times. I was a bit apprehensive about Jackie meeting Joshua because she has never ever liked any of my past boyfriends. The thing with Jackie is that there are no “do overs” you only get one chance with her. If she doesn’t like when she first meets you that’s pretty much it she’ll never like you no matter what you do. Even if you were to run into a burning building and save a shit load of adorable fuzzy handicapped kittens her opinion wouldn’t change.

Finally Jackie came over and had a mini convo with Josh without me.When their convo was over he said nothing, and she went about tending to her guests. On our way home he told me that she had told him she threatened him,“ If you ever do anything to hurt her I will kill you.” And when he looked into her eyes he could tell she meant every word she was saying.

Labels: 7-7-07, Love, stories, wedding

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Posted by @ 4:21 PM
2 comment from:  Mica,  christina/ohio,

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Lies My Mother Told Me

While watching a comedian talk about little kids curiosity and how it can be irritating to their parents mom started remembering some of the stuff she had told me when I was a kid. I was surprised that I remembered a few of them as well. My favorite one was the thunder story….


We were walking through Central Park on our way to the playground and the spring grass caught my eye….


Mia (3 yrs old):Why is the grass green?

My 23 year old mother debated how to explain chlorophyll, photosynthesis, light and the Earth’s atmosphere to me in a way a 3 year old could understand it. She decided she couldn’t.

Mom: Because some of the angels in heaven came down to with green crayola crayons and colored each individual blade.

Mia (3 yrs old): and the sky too mommy?

Mom: Yes those angels use the blue crayola crayons.

Mia (3 yrs old): For real?

Mom:Yup. They have lots of different shades of green and blue crayons. Some are light and some are dark.

Mia (3 yrs old):Mommy I have crayola crayons!

Mom:Do you have green and blue ones?

Mia (3 yrs old):Yes ! Can I color the grass and the sky?

Mom:Sorry honey only the angels can do it BUT if you leave all the green and blue ones out on the table the angels will come late at night and take them and use them..

For the next couple of nights I left all of my blue and green jumbo thick Crayola crayons out on the table for the angels and in the morning they’d be gone. The next time we were out in the park my mother pointed to the grass and the sky…

Mom: Mia look at that! The grass is green and the sky is blue! You know what that means?

Heck yeah I knew what that meant, I was one excited kid! I nodded my head so hard I looked like a bobble head
Mom: Mia the angels used your crayons!

My mother says that for the rest of the day I was elated and insisted on calling my grandparents and visiting my great grandfather to share the joy.




Mia ( 4 yrs old): Mommy can we go outside today?

Mom:No baby it’s raining

Mia ( 4 yrs old): Mommy why is it raining?

Mom:Because the clouds were heavy with water.

Mia ( 4 yrs old): Why mommy?

Mom says there were times she had wished she was Bill Nye The Science Guy because of my questions. BTW much to my mom’s relief Bill Nye The Science Guy and Beakman’s World became favorites of mine when I was in grade school. For those not familiar with those the 2 they were science shows for kids and yes I am a science geek to this day.

Mia ( 4 yrs old): How the water got in the clouds?

Mom : The angels used the clouds to dry their tears.

Mia( 4 yrs old): Why were the angels crying mommy?

Mom: Because you didn’t eat your vegetables at dinner last night.




Mia ( 4 yrs old):Mommy why is the sky so loud?

Mom :: That’s called thunder baby and when the sky lights up it’s called lightning.

Mia ( 4 yrs old): Why does it do that mommy?

Mom: Because the angels are bowling. Whenever you hear the thunder that means they made a strike, they knocked all the pins down. When you see the lightning that’s God taking a picture of them with his camera.

Her explanation managed to calm my fear and I stood at our window watching the rain waiting for my dad to come home from work when the next flash of lighting lit up the sky I looked up and smiled…

Mia ( 4 yrs old): “Cheeeeeese!”

Mom: Mia what are you doing baby?

Mia ( 4 yrs old): I’m smiling at God ‘cause he taking pictures!

By the way I would like to add in conclusion here that until the age of four when I started kindergarten thanks to my mother I thought my hands were called paws!

Labels: kids, Mia Explains..., mom, stories

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Posted by @ 2:26 AM
5 comment from:  phoenix,  DannieS72,  christina/ohio,  TotallyHappened,  Mia,