Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Smart women. Stupid man.


The argument was vicious, plenty of name calling and ill will was being flung out into the night. Thankfully they were mature enough not to take it to a physical level. The last thing I wanted to see was a couple of middle aged women throwing haymakers in the middle of the street. The women were arguing over a man, a man who was no where to be found. Smart man. Stupid women.


“Well he told me you were a lesbian!” the tall woman yelled.

The smaller woman gasped and sputtered. “I’ve never been gay in my life!” she yelled back.

That statement seemed to get the tall woman thinking. It was time to compare notes she said. Minutes later they were leaning against a car smoking and bonding. By their second cigarette they’d decided that the stupid man wasn't worthy of them.

Besides the taller woman added, “he’s got a small dick and can’t fuck for shit!"

"and he’s a premature ejaculator!” the smaller woman added for good measure.

The taller woman knowingly nodded her head and gave the other woman a high five. They called and left a message on his voice mail since he refused to answer their calls. He was no longer wanted in their lives or welcomed in their homes and they deserved better they informed him.

Smart women. Stupid man.

Labels: new york, women

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Posted by @ 1:15 AM
1 comment from:  Anonymous,

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Sisters doing it for themselves

My mom’s lesbian cousin once told me that if it weren’t for the fact that we need sperm in order to create a baby men would be totally useless. Her anti-hombre stance always confused me because of her physical appearance. Unless you were told that she was a woman there was always a moment of confusion when meeting her for the first time and no she doesn’t do that plaid thing. I asked her once about that hating men yet looking like a man thing she does so well and she really did try to explain it to me but then I heard the “ding” of the microwave indicating that my hot pocket was done and I was out. Don’t judge me people I was just a kid…a hungry kid.

Anyways so it seems that we’re one step closer to my auntie’s utopia or as the hood rats would say,” it’s on and popping son!” Scientists at the University of Newcastle upon Tyne in Britain have converted human bone marrow tissue into immature sperm cells.

The point of adults playing with sperm outside of their bedroom is aimed at overcoming male infertility. However the bonus is that this would also allow two women to have their own biological daughter.Talk about sisters doing it for themselves! Now that's independence! Sounds like an episode worthy of a cable series. Where’s Queer as Folks when I need them? Don’t worry men you’ll still be needed for that extra oomph that produces a male. However I’d like to point out that the creation of an Amazonian society say perhaps on a remote island somewhere is a future possibility not just a sci-fi fantasy.

Labels: amazon, bone marrow, sperm, women

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Posted by @ 12:47 AM
7 comment from:  Goggles Piasano Ritardo,  Anonymous,  Ingrid,  Mia,  Goggles Piasano Ritardo,  DannieS72,  Mia,

Friday, November 25, 2005

Maidens of Virtue....

I was minding my own business at home waiting for the coffee to finish brewing when there was a knock on my door. I opened the door thinking it was going to be a Jehova’s witness. They are always good for a laugh this early in the morning. I do however find that the local Mormons and Born again Christians have no sense of humor at 8 am. They never seem to appreciate my "Jesus is my homeboy" t-shirt. I guess it's something about the savior flashing hand signals they can't get into.

I opened the door and there before me stood an older woman, who was way too enthusiastic considering it was 8 am and freezing outside. Her face was ghastly white contrasted with 2 “slapped in the face” red circles on her cheeks, her permed salt and pepper was all askew from the wind. At first I wasn’t too sure if she was there to convert me or drink my blood, it was too early in the morning to tell. Turns out she was going door to door in my neighborhood collecting souls for the local Mormon Church. As she was introducing herself to me one of the books she was carrying caught my eye. Judging by the title and cover of the book it looked to have been published in an era when women still wore corsets and walked several feet behind their men. The name of the book was,"Raising Maidens of Virtue: A Study of Feminine Loveliness for Mothers and Daughters" by Stacy Mc Donald.

The lady saw me looking at the cover of her book just as my baby sister walked by yawning, scratching her butt in her power puff pajamas. Seeing us girls made the maternal side of her kick in. She figured that me being a maiden and my sister being in her pre-maiden stage it would be a good thing to talk to my mom about the book and the church. My mom wasn’t available so she had no choice but to talk to me if she wanted her message heard. She opened her book and tried to get me interested in it for my own good. She told me that the book was not from the Victorian era but instead from the current and that “It’s for mothers to use in training daughters who are approaching womanhood to think biblically.” WTF?! Training? As in fetch, roll over, play dead, ?...Oh man, one of those books, I thought. I’ll say this for her the woman was persistent she would’ve made Dracula proud , or whoever it is the Mormons answer to… who is it anyway is it the Osmonds?

She tried her hardest to get me to come to some gathering at the Mormon Church… her selling point was that a lot of Latinos are converting to Mormonism (is that a word?) … I give her my fakest smile ,”Oh yeah I can tell, by the large amount of Latino recruiters you guys are flooding my neighborhood with.” (lies…lies…and more lies)"Back off Mia be nice to the lady it’s too early for your sarcasm. Invite her in for some coffee or something. Hopefully Kane won't try to hump her leg.”, I thought to myself. I guess she sensed that I was one of those unchaste and impure women the book was rallying against (damn I need to use a better deodorant) and decided against coming in. The conversation quicky ended. I wished her a good day and closed the door.

As I was checking my email, sipping on my coffee my thoughts turned to the book. I went googled it and lo’ and behold I found it! I read a synopsis on the book and didn’t know whether to be laugh or to continue my state of amazement over what I found…. From theAmazon reader site:

“More than a fill-in-the-blank Bible study, "Raising Maidens of Virtue: A Study of Feminine Loveliness for Mothers and Daughters" is an engaging tool for mothers to use in training daughters who are approaching womanhood to think biblically. Through stories, allegories, illustrations, and memory-making projects, "Raising Maidens of Virtue" covers topics such as guarding the tongue, idleness, sibling relationships, honoring parents, contentment, modesty, purity, cleanliness, and feminine biblical beauty. Godly women are not born, but raised. Stacy McDonald has in this work equipped parents to be about the business of raising up rubies, or rather, that which is more precious still, our daughters.

WTF?!! if I’m gonna be compared to a jewel I want it to be diamonds , I mean aren’t diamonds more precious than rubies?! Or is that their way of making sure we don’t have too high an opinion of ourselves? “Yes my dear for you are as precious as a ruby to me.” “But sir aren’t diamonds more precious?” “Yes they are my dear, but you’re not that special only Our Savior the Lord Jeeeeezus is as precious as diamonds…now go back in the kitchen and get the men folk some coffee the 700 club is on.” Hmmm.

The chapters in the book have titles such as

Fresh Milk, Powdered and Perfumed

: Please tell me this is on skin care.

Knight in Shining Armor

: I’m guessing this is a Disney Cinderella inspired chapter.

Daddy's Fair Maiden

: I’m not even going to into how creepy that sounds. WTF? Did Jessica Simpson’s dad write this?

Taming the Tainted Tongue

:. I think this chapter may have been written with the likes of females like me in mind.

The site also had some reviews of the book…
She is a faithful guide, for she is a godly example.
~ Dr. R. C. Sproul, Jr., Pastor, Director of the Highlands Study Center, and most importantly, home schooling father of six

In the face of our culture’s shameless enticement of young women to view their identity and worth only in terms of their sexuality, Stacy McDonald passionately challenges mothers and daughters together to return to a pure and gracious femininity for the God who made us uniquely for His glory.
~Tracy Klicka, wife of Sr. Counsel for HSLDA, Chris Klicka somehow I get the feeling this dudes wife would love it if we went back to the days when women “knew their place”

We need young women who cherish their purity and desire to honor their parents through chaste behavior, speech, and dress. We need girls of character who cultivate their minds and emotions to reflect God’s design with joy, intelligence, and delight.
~ From the Foreword by Jennie Chancey

WTF?? Okay I understand everyone has their own views when it comes to raising their kids… but why does this book scare me so? Is it the thought that these Jesus freaks want to take us back to the day when women were kept barefoot and pregnant, subservient to men? Is it the fact that they support intelligent design over evolution? Is it the fact that they give out chastity rings and abhor the teaching of sexual education, and birth control? Or is it the fact that these male dominated religions got Bush elected into office and if they had it their way a woman’s right to choose would be banned sending woman back to the days when abortions were done with wire hangers? Take your pick anyone of the above reasons is justification enough is you ask me.

I have nothing against religion; in the right hands and with proper frame of mind it is a beautiful thing and it comforts and helps people deal with everything going on around them. My problem is when religion forgets its’ place and tries to sneak its’ way into schools, and government. When it tries to superimpose itself against the will of others. When it preaches descrimination against people who are different or when it tries to tell people how they should live, think or raise their children.My problem is when zealots take over and try to force feed it to you, they take something as beautiful as spiritual faith and turn it into the church of the poisioned mind. Somehow I don't think this is what Jesus,and the rest of the funky fresh Prophets had in mind when they preached the word of God so many centuries ago.

Labels: politics, religion, women

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Posted by @ 5:57 PM
1 comment from:  Mia,