Mia: Shaken Not Stirred


The true life stories of a NYC female.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Introducing Hannibal Hairctor The Puppy





It was early in the crusty morning and I was awakened by the rather insistent voice of my mother. “Mia, Mia wake up! Look at what that damn puppy did to me!” My brain tried to make sense of the words she was saying …puppy the woman said puppy. What puppy was she talking it about?! Oh crud it’s too early for this. I JUST went to bed…the sun isn’t out yet! Why does she keep saying puppy? It took my sleep deprived brain about a second to remember…. Oh THE puppy! A couple of weeks ago someone gave my brother a puppy we named him Tigger.

Mom’s was pissed…at the puppy it seemed. “Mia! Look at this! I can not believe this!” “What kind of a dog does this shit? This-this -this shit is NOT normal nena! ” I struggled to open my eyes. Ma was standing in front of me in her cantaloupe colored night gown waving one of her braids around. My eyes struggled to focus. I didn’t believe what I was seeing. Her braid was nearly severed it was being held together in the middle by a few strands of hair, the braid below it dangling like an autumn leaf hanging on to a branch for dear life. WTF happened to ma’s hair? the sleepy little voice in my head asked. My mother has great hair by the way; people are forever complementing her on it. Her hair naturally forms into a billion perfect spiral ringlets that reach her butt. Every night before she goes to bed she braids it into two Pocahontas style braids.

“Mia the fucking puppy chewed through one of my braids! ” I sat up in bed still not believing what I was seeing. My dad had gotten into the habit of putting puppy on the bed to sleep with him and ma because the puppy wouldn’t let my dad sleep with all of his whining and crying in the middle of the night and now the puppy refused to sleep with anyone else BUT my parents and now mom was paying the price…. at some point during the night the teething puppy used one of my mom’s braids as a chew toy.

“I guess I was so tired last night I didn’t feel him tugging on it." The sight of my mom’s braid just hanging by a thread was just too much for me. I burst out laughing. “I’m sorry mami I am soooo sorry! I can’t help myself!” I said in between fits of laughter. I was literally rolling all over my bed laughing. “I’ll probably start laughing later myself once the shock wears off.” She said as she walked out of my room cursing out the puppy pouncing behind her. I tried to get back to sleep but I couldn’t so I got out of bed and went looking for ma still not too certain that it had not been a dream. I found ma sitting at the dining table contemplating her braid. Now that I was fully awake I could really appreciate the damage. Tigger had chewed the braid right at the collar bone leaving at least 10 inches of braid dangling. Ma looked up at me, “I’m going to have to cut my hair….alot.”


I snapped a few pictures of the braid with my camera phone and emailed them out to friends and family. Almost immediately the phone started ringing everyone thought it was some sort of belated April fool’s joke. My dad called...

Dad:Babe I am really sorry. I never should have put him up on the bed with us. How about I take you to the beauty salon when I get out of work and have them fix it for you?

Mom: Don’t worry about it it’s only hair it will grow back. I’ll pass on the salon thanks anyway.

Dad:So what are you going to do you’re going to walk around with that braid hanging there all day long?

Mom: Nope. I am going to track down some sharp scissors and cut it off as soon as I’m done cleaning.

Dad: Honey I don’t think we have any sharp scissors, remember I was telling you last week we need to get new ones?

Mom : Oh yeah! It’s okay some where in this house we must have a sharp switch blade, or hunting knife after all we’re Puerto Ricans…switch blades are standard issued when we’re born.

Dad :Oh that is so wrong and as the only full blooded Puerto Rican in our house I am deeply offended.

Mom : Yeah, yeah man whatever…where’s your switch blade?

Dad :My closet, top shelf in the metal box.

Mom : Ha! See I knew you had one!

For the rest of the morning she went about her routine with that braid just dangling. When my sister Caity saw her she let out an ear piercing shriek that only teenaged girls seem to be able to pull off without giving themselves a brain aneurism. For my sister the hair thing was traumatic while her hair is just as long as moms it is bone straight like my fathers and she wishes it was curly. She absolutely adores mom’s hair because she says mom looks like a flower child. Caity is right actually with her smooth complexion, long flowing skirts, tinted Lennon style glasses, and dangling earrings made by her Inuit friend she really does looks like a college student straight out of the 60’s.

Just before noon Caity a naturally talented hair stylist got her best hair cutting scissors, “Sit down mommy I’m going to fix it for you and even it out.” She said as she gently guided my mom into a chair. When it was over more than 12 inches of hair had been cut. My mother’s hair was now resting on the top of her shoulders. “Just look at this way ma,” I offered. “It’s spring and you’ve got a new hairstyle to celebrate!” “So very true little one, I’ve also got a killer head ache from Hannibal Hairctor pulling on my hair all night long.” she said as she pointed at the sleeping puppy at her feet.

When my grandfather arrived for lunch he gave mom his spin on things….

Grandfather : Gracias a Dios it was only your hair nena! It could have been much worse you know.

Mom : How you figure papi?

Grandfather : Bueno mija you know how heavy a sleeper Willie is right?

Mom :Yeah

Grandfather : So it could’ve been his penis the dog chewed off instead of your braid.

Mom : Ay Dios mio daddy! Let’s not go there!

Grandfather : You know the dog could have been nibbling away at your husband and poor Willie thinking it was you….

Mom : Papi!

Grandfather : Like I said thank God it was only your hair.


This song goes out to Ma from my father …Hair by The Cowsills and from Caity to mom The Rain, the Park & Other Things also by The Cowsills.


PS: Here’s Tigger aka Hannibal Hairctor




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