Mia: Shaken Not Stirred

The true life stories of a NYC female.

Friday, April 13, 2007

We're pregnant!

Is there such a thing as being too close to a friend? My mother and her best friend Nora have a connection that defies logic.

For the past month my mother hasn’t been eating well. The smell of food makes her nauseous. Monday night she was preparing sausage and peppers for dinner. As soon as she opened up the pack of sweet Italian sausage my dad had purchased the day before and promptly stuck in the deep freezer. She gagged, “Oh my gawd this STINKS! Honey smelll this…is this rancid?”

Why is that when ever we smell or taste something that’s gone bad we need to verify it by getting someone else to taste or smell it. The thing that kills me is that even after you've noticed it's past it's expiration date and you announce that you think there's a patch of mold growing on you can still tell the person “I think this has gone bad…taste it…smell the funk off of it” they will trot right over and comply with your request. Amazing.

My dad came over sniffed the sausage “You’re imagining things, it’s fine.” Then she opened a pack of hot Italian sausage and announced that it was rotten as well. Again my dad sniffed…”it’s fine babe, you however are crazy.” None of the 7 people who sniffed the frozen turkey sausage could dissuade her that the meat did not stink. So on Monday night instead of eating her favorite meal she dined on sautéed onions and peppers on a whole wheat pita. Which is a step up from what she’s been eating for dinner lately. Dinner for her has been consisting of rice krispie cereal, peanut butter and jelly or those ramen noodle soups in a cup.

Then there was the non-stop fun filled week of the projectile vomiting, don’t ask it wasn’t pretty. Naturally with her aversion to food and the fact that she’s been visibly fighting off a tsunami of nausea on a daily basis my dad’s curious….

Dad: Um Maggie any chance…a possibility perhaps... that you’re pregnant?

Mom stared at him giving him the dreaded “I’m gonna fluck you up death stare” that she has patented. I’m not too sure but I swear my father cowered…

Dad: I’m just asking babe. You know we do have an active sex life. Stuff does happen you know.

OH NO he didn’t ! Oh no my wonderful pizops did not just say he and my beautiful sainted mother bump uglies! No way in hell did he just say that! I stuck a finger in my left ear and wiggled it back and forth. Obviously I must have heard the man wrong. Parents don’t fornicate. My siblings and I are the products of immaculate conception!

Mom said nothing instead she stuck her head out the window.

Dad: Well babe is it possible?

Mom:Que? What are you talking about?

Dad: Could you be pregnant?

Mom: Por el amor a Dios William wash your mouth out with soap! Don’t make me hurt you dude because I will.

Dad: Well hun it’s not like we’ve never been pregnant before, it’s not like we don’t have sex several times a week!

Mia: Oh for the love of God people I am in the room hello! I don’t want to know about my parents having sex. You’re not supposed to be doing that!

Dad:No boogie YOU’RE not supposed to be doing that. You know the stereo in our room isn’t always blasting because we like the music. Why do you think we have condoms? Did you think we were making balloon animals with them?

Mia: Crap I think I just vomited a little in my mouth. Stop it right now you’re going to traumatize me!

Dad: Why because I love your mother and she still turns me on?

Mia: Hey that’s my mom you’re talking about! I don’t ever want to hear you say something so blasphemous again mister!

Mom: Both of you shut up please you’re giving me a headache. I have 3 kids I’m not too sure I want now; why on earth would I want more? William I am not pregnant so stop puffing your chest out; there will be no mas children from me punto final.

Dad: Are you sure? I mean look at the way you’ve been acting.

Mom: I am not knocked up honey trust me on this…maybe someone close to me is…

They both turned and looked at me waiting for an announcement.

Mia: People let’s not get crazy here. It’s not me.

Dad: It better not be. I’ve got plastic bags, duct tape, and a buzz saw in the closet and I know some swamps in Jersey where I could dump the body of a guy or two.

Mom: That’s it no more Sopranos for you mister.

Mia: Stevie?

Mom:Oh hell no! My baby boy practices safe sex. I showed him where I keep the condoms in case he runs out.

Our conversation was then interrupted by my mother sprinting to the bathroom hand over mouth. She emerged from the bathroom pale and clammy…“Ohhh man kill me someone just kill me. Put me out of my misery. This just sucks.”

The phone rang and pa handed it to mom it was my aunt Nora…

Mom:What’s up babe?

Nora: I just found out we’re pregnant honey bunny!

In my mother and Nora’s world anytime something happens to one of them it’s referred to as “we” because they go through everything together.

Mom: Oh shit we are?! Ohhh pookie lips we’re having a baby I am so happy! Anytime someone is knocked up and it’s not me, our girls, and my son is not the baby’s daddy is a time to celebrate!

Nora: Ya damn skippy Mags!

For the next 30 minutes mom and Nora made plans. Just like with her other 3 kids Nora wants mom to deliver the new one as well. When they were done mom walked over to dad and kissed him on the forehead he was looking a little dejected. My dad’s always wanted at least 6 kids. Mom wanted only one so they compromised and had three.

Mom: You’re okay babe?

Dad: Yeah ..still Mags I thought...hoped

Mom: Honey I know you’re a much macho virile hombre but I’ve got news for you we have industrial strength condoms…I use draino as a spermacide…and the entrance to my uterus is guarded by an elite squad of killer ninjas. Our baby producing days are over. Besides mira Mia is 24 years old in another few years we’ll be having a grand kid!

Mia: Yeah dad look I plan on having a kid by the time I am 28 or 29.

Dad: With who with Josh?

Mia: I don’t know pops. All I know is married or not there will be a baby.

Dad: Mia don’t make me have to kill you. Good God Nora is pregnant and you’re mom is feeling the symptoms! This is going to be fun!

When my mom was pregnant with my baby sister 15 years ago Nora was the one feeling the symptoms. Side by side they worshiped the porcelain god. Nora would hold moms hair back while mom “prayed” to him and then mom would do the same for Nora. I just hope we don’t have a repeat of it with this pregnancy as well. I don’t think we’ll survive it. We barely survived that one.

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Posted by @ 11:23 AM
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