Friday, January 20, 2006

Crazy Wenches...


After flame broiling my finger and risking my livers future health while celebrating my friends re-birth in the form of finally breaking free of her boyfriend I get a call. Her boyfriend stopped by to see her. Prior to their break up he had not seen her in over a month.

A: Mia he said Florida he’s going to move to Florida if I don’t get back together with him!

M: And this is a bad thing because? For God’s sake it’s only Florida which I hear it actually really nice this time of the year. It’s not like he’s moving to the slums of Calcutta.

A: I don’t know what to do!

M: what do you mean you don’t know what to do?

A: I love him!

M: Drama. Let’s list the facts here; He’s been cheating on you with a chick and cheating on her with her former best friend. That equals 2 chicks he’s cheating on you with. When your grandma passed away he couldn’t be bothered to be with you at the wake. He was no where to be found. Why was that again? Oh yeah he was with the other female. He gave you a pewter ring that he also happened to buy for the other female. The same exact ring, with the same exact inscription! Not to mention that he tried to kick it to me not knowing I was your friend. I know you love him but where oh where pray tell is his love for you? Didn’t he tell you when you found out about the other girl that he was planning to dump you anyway, he was just waiting until the holidays passed?

I could tell she was confused, we said nothing for a moment and then she hit me with the big one…

A: Do you think I will lose my friends if I get back together with him?

M: Hold up did you break up with him to please your friends?

Dead silence. I run my fingers through my hair reminding myself of my dad when he is exasperated. I feel sorry for her, I really do.

M: Look, don’t break up with him because of what your friends think. Do it for yourself. If you want to stay with him then do it. It’s all on you, but whatever you do it for the right reason.

A: I think he’s changed this time.

M: And I want to believe I grew an inch taller but my measuring tape keeps telling me it’s all in my head.

A: Rebecca said if I went back to him she’d never talk to me again.

Angela and Rebecca have been best friends since high school so I know this is hard for both of them The thought of ending their friendship is painful especially over this guy who treats Angela like dirt. But the truth is Rebecca can’t take it no more. .

M: Angela it’s your life. Live it in a way that will make you happy, your friends can’t live your life for you or dictate how you should live it. Plus I’m sure she doesn’t mean it. But if you decide to stay with him then you’re going to have to deal with whatever comes your way and shut the fuck up. When he returns to his true form and I trust he will, shut the fuck up. Don’t bitch and moan because you have no right to. You chose the medicine and if the tonic is bitter have a sip of water, shut the fuck up, and keep it moving. If you don’t want your friends hating him then stop complaining to them about every thing he does to you. Keep that drama to yourself.

A: I don’t know what to do. Will you stop being my friend?

M: (sigh) No I’ll still be your friend. You know Angela no one can make this decision for you. You have to do it on your own and you can’t let your friends influence your opinion. Take your time and think about it. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

By this time my head was throbbing we have this same conversation at least 5 times a day. I am tired, I am drained. She is obsessed with this dude. He is like a drug to her she needs a 12 step program. She’s going through withdrawal. Angela suffers from fairy tale syndrome she thinks that the first guy you meet is the one you ride off into the sunset with and live happily ever after. Obviously nothing was learned after 5 seasons of Sex and The City.



Just then my other friend calls me. This one has been dating a guy with a live- in girl friend which to me is just as good as being married. She’s been catching a lot of flack from everyone over this. I limit myself to the occasional smart ass remarks because well let’s face it it’s what I do I can’t help myself. She knows how I feel about interfering in a relationship I’ve already lectured on this subject once already. It’s like beating a dead horse.


R: Mia he broke up with his girlfriend!

M: Really? Amazing. She moved out?

R: No, not yet he gave her a week to move her stuff out.

M: Aha I see…but physically she’s still there?

R: Yeah

M: Okay

I don’t know why but I get the hunch she’s lying about his breaking up with his girlfriend. My bullshit detector is beeping like crazy. I think she made this up to get us off her case and to accept the bastard.

R: We’re going on our first official date tomorrow afternoon!

M: We’re supposed to go to school tomorrow. You’ve got to get the over tally for a couple of classes not to mention we need to get our bursar sheets and we need to look into the Masters program thingy.

R: But it’s our first date!

M: Yea nena! Wonderful! So the boning fest you’ve guys have been having all over New York doesn’t count?

R: No. Now that he is single this is our first official date.

M: Hello earth to Reina! This is important! You need to get into that class in order to graduate. There are no seats left. I repeat you need this class and you’re not the only one. Others will be there too trying to get in on the over tally and even that is limited. First come, first serve. Did I mention you need this class in order to graduate on time?

R: It’s our first date!

I don’t bother to tell her that if he really broke up with his girl friend there’s no need for their official first date to be during the day, during office hours. It could be pushed back into the evening. After all New York is the city that’s opened 24-7.


At that point something in me just snapped maybe it was PMS I dunno. I miss Jackie, my gentle giant the one friend who comes to me for advice and actually listens to what I tell her. I love that girl. Who are these crazy bitches and what happened to the self confident women that once were my friends?! Who the hell are these stupid heffas so desperate for a man in their lives that they will put up with anything? Women who once upon a time were strong women have now basically surrendered their free will and dignity. All in the name of hooking up a guy. The kicker is that I know they are desperate because in the past they never would have looked at these guys twice. They are not even hot guys! Not even room temperature guys! I gotta give those boys mega props though they must have honed their mackin’ skills to have these wenches eating out of their paws. I salute those bastards!

M: You know what? Do whatever you want. I’m not your mother; you don’t need my approval to go on your date. We’ll do the school thing on another day. I’m done registering for my classes, my schedule is all set.

She talks about how she’s never felt this way about any guy before. I’ve heard this song before…with every other guy she’s ever been with. I do the mental tally and say nothing.

R: He’s my soul mate.

Oh yeah man I have heard this speech many times before.

M: I’m sure his live-in girl feels the same way too.

R: He broke up with her! You know she doesn’t cook or clean?!

M: Really and you do?

R: Yeah I told him I can cook and I do housework.

M: Liar.

R: No, I cook and clean!

M: Since when? I’ve been coming over to your house for 6 years now and I have never ever seen you make a meal. Oh my bad excuse me; your mom called you once from work and told you to put the chicken in the oven, a chicken she had seasoned. And since when do you clean? Your mom she does all the cleaning. All you do is throw your stuff around the house and when she gets home she cleans up after you. You don’t even wash your own dishes! Listen whenever a guy cheats on a girl he never sings her praises he will bash her to the end he’s gotta make her look bad in order to justify what he’s doing to gullible chicks like you.

she says nothing. I sense she’s mad but as the old spiritual goes the truth shall set you free.

R: Well anyway they broke up.

M: I’ll believe it when I see it… as a matter of fact the day no, no make that the night he invites you over to his crib that’s when I will believe it and eat my hat.

R: He wants us all to go on a double date.

M: Why?

R: Mia he likes you he thinks you’re funny and cool.

M: That’s because I am. I’d rather poke myself in the eye with a hot fork.

R: Mia!

M: What you want that I should lie? I don’t like him and if I get a couple of drinks in me I’m not going to be able to hide that fact. I don’t trust him and if you do wind up being his new girl then you better remember how you met him and keep an eye on him.

R: It’s different with me. He says I’m his soul mate. We have so much in common, we like the same music, the same video games!

I think to myself again with the soul mate shit, wow the same video games, the same music and so trust worthy too…let me start engraving the wedding invitations right now. Guys like him remind me of hookers with retractable hymens. Every person they meet is the first one, they’ve never felt this way before blah blah their love for you will keep them faithful and true meanwhile their eyes are wandering all over the place in search of the bigger better deal.


M: That’s great. I hope everything works out for you guys.

R: Why can’t you be happy for me?

M: I want nothing more than for you to be happy. I just hope he is worthy of your trust. If you don’t mind I’m just gonna keep the cork in the champagne bottle for now.

R: But Mia…

M: Look I don’t want to hear it. Stop trying to sell me this guy. Time will tell what type of person he is. I don’t care; as a matter of fact that’s my new mantra for you guys. I then started chanting my new mantra; Mia, he said I’m too fat… I don’t care. Mia, he’s cheating on me…I don’t care. Mia, he gave me an STD… I don’t care. Mia, he’s taking my money…I don’t care. Mia, he’s making out with another girl in front of me… I don’t care. Mia, he is hitting on my friends… I don’t care. Mia, he voted for Bush!...I don’t care, no wait I do care let’s kick his ass. At this she starts laughing.

R: What?! You’re crazy!

M: What? What? I don’t care.

Just then my mom happened to walk by and saw my face. She asked if I was okay and I asked her to hold on, I needed to talk to her.

M: Listen I gotta go I’ll hit you up tomorrow.

R: Well um okay I hope you feel better.

M: Me too.

My mom basically gave voice to what I had been thinking. I am way too involved in the melodrama going on in my friends lives. This is not a healthy thing for me, I need to step back and let them grow up on their own. I feel sapped of all energy. My feelings make me wonder if I’m cut out to be a shrink at all. Will this be the way I feel about my patients? I take a deep breath.

When it comes to my friends I try to live up to something my mom once told me that made a lot of sense, “Mia a true friend will tell you what you need to hear not just what you want to hear.” That is the type of friend I strive to be, but sometimes people just don’t want to hear the truth. They just want you to blindly approve of whatever they’re doing even though deep down inside they know it’s wrong. By giving them your approval you’re enabling them to party on. I realize my friends just want me to be their enabler but I can’t do it. They both have to do what they feel is right for them and deal with whatever is born as a result of their actions. No matter how much I love these crazy heffas, I can’t protect them from what’s out there or from themselves. Maybe there’s a support group out there for crazy wenches I can sign these two up for. Maybe there’s even one for friends of crazy wenches that I can sign up for.

Labels: friends, relationships, wenches

Posted by @ 12:50 AM
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