Monday, March 13, 2006

Toucan Sam


Yesterday’s post on superficial boy brought back a memory of an incident where I was the victim of a superficial boy. I was around 16, Patrick and I had parted ways. My age was an issue with him. He was several years older than me and our age difference made him uncomfortable. I was jail bait and he was 19 yrs old.

A new acquaintance was trying to hook me up with her friend Joe. Joe had become my phone buddy because he was always around during the evenings when my friend and I would chat on the phone and horn in on our conversations. Sometimes he would take over the conversations. Eventually he asked my friend to hook us up. We finally met when he joined us for a day of ice skating. When he saw me he laughed and then he dissed me. Yes he did. He avoided me the entire time, he even left without saying goodbye and that night when my friend called me he got on the phone to tell me that I really needed to lose weight and proceeded to give me diet tips as well as skin care tips. I think the day we met I had the remnants of a couple of zits. Yes he had the audacity to give me skin care tips when his face had more zits than mine. That was our last phone conversation. Mind you this kid looked like a geeky version of Toucan Sam but you know it was okay in his book to crush my feelings because perfection was his name.

Fast forward a couple of years later… I am now 19. I’m at a party with Patrick and a group of friends. I’m now rocking size 8 jeans as opposed to the size 12 I was wearing at the ice skating rink. Anything smaller than a size 8 makes me look too thin, I look like a bobble head. Joe spots me and can’t believe it’s me. He comes up to me, mouth all puckered up ready to lay a kiss on my cheek and embrace me. I quickly hold out my hand for a handshake and place my lips on the rim of my Snapple Iced-tea bottle. He acts as if we’re long lost best of friends, he holds onto my hand for a second longer than necessary. I twist and turn my hand out his grip. I introduce him to the ladies at my table. He attempts to make conversation all the while flashing me a lecherous smile. He asks for my number, wants to get together etc blah blah. Yeah, yeah screw you Toucan Sam follow your nose on outta here and take your box of Fruit Loops tired ass lines with you.

He even apologized for the way he had treated me.
Thanks for the apology I can tell it was heart felt because the only time you looked away from my boobs while delivering it was to look at my butt or stare at my legs and thighs. Somehow the denim mini skirt I’m wearing now seems like a bad idea. Thank God it’s one of those jimmies with the built in shorts. I spotted you trying to look up my skirt when you dropped the card with your number on it next to my feet. Check yourself fool my mama taught me how to sit in a skirt. There will be no flashing a la Sharon Stone in Fatal Attraction here Toucan Sam.

“You know I only told you those things back then because I was trying to look out for you. You were always a pretty girl I could see it back then despite the weight. I was just trying to motivate you.” Thank you very much Toucan Sam what little confidence Patrick had managed to instill in me took a nose dive thanks to you. Now umm could you and your beak move over a bit you’re casting a shadow and I’m trying to get some photos of the crowd. I promised the birthday girl I’d do the photography for her.

I was polite to him, but declined to give him my number. For the entire night every time I returned from the dance floor he is standing near my table. He hovers over me, pestering me for a date unable to accept no for an answer. Toucan back the fluck up already! Oh now you think I’m pretty, I have beautiful eyes, and teeth? My complexion is gorgeous? Funny because I’m still the same person I was when you dissed me. Just a little less of me now I lie and tell him I’m seeing someone. He tells me what my bf doesn’t know won’t hurt him. What a pig.

Finally Patrick notices what’s going on and steps up placing his arm around me kissing me on the forehead. He gives Toucan the evil eye. Toucan Sam gets the hint and walks away, he tells me he will be e-mailing me during the week. note to self close that e-mail account when I get home I give Patrick a big kiss and wrap my arms around him in a bear hug and tell him, “Thank you amigo mio. You know I love you right? You’re my best friend.” He replies, “Yeah I know this, you’re my best friend too. You know it wasn’t lack of love that broke us up. I still love you mini me. Heavy or not you’ve always been beautiful to me.” And people still wonder why I adore him.

Labels: ex bf's, relationships

Posted by @ 1:24 AM
3 comment from:  Just Jane,  Emory Mayne,  Mia,