Mia: Shaken Not Stirred

The true life stories of a NYC female.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

My Grandpa the smart ass...

I come from a long line of smart asses it runs on my mother’s side odds are pretty good that any child I have will also be a smart ass. It can’t be helped it is part of our DNA. To prove my point I present one of my favorite stories involving my maternal grandfather Raymond…

It was a really cold evening and my grandfather was out walking his dog Ralph.He had just turned the corner onto his block when he saw this huge pit bull taking a dump on the snow covered side walk. Once he was done the pit bull and his owner went along their way. Just as Ralph approached the steaming pile the building’s superintendent stuck his head out the window and called out to my grandfather. He pointed to the pile of dog mess in front of his building's entrance. “Hey Raymond did your dog just take that shit?” My grandfather looked up at him and held his pooper scooper in the air , “No, it was the dog that just turned the corner, some guy with a pit bull.”

The super looked around and since he didn’t see the pitbull grandpa was talking about decided that my grandfather was lying. “Raymond if your dog did that I’d appreciate you cleaning it up because then I’m stuck cleaning up dog shit and I don’t even own a dog.” Grandpa looked up at him and told him, “Look man I’ve got my pooper scooper right here. I’m waiting on this damn dog to do his thing so I can clean it up and go home.” Once again the super looked at my grandpa and told him, “I’m just saying clean it up. It’s not fair to me to have to clean it.”

My grandfather was now starting to get ticked off,"I don’t blame you for not wanting to clean it but I’m not going to clean up a mess my dog didn’t do." The super’s tone had now changed to down right nasty “Are you sure you’re dog didn’t do that? Because that pile of shit looks fresh, It’s still steaming.” Implying that if the pile had been there for awhile there would have been no steam rising off of it and therefore Ralph must have just done it.

Grandpa then went into smart ass mode, “and what does that mean? I’ve been out here walking for almost an hour” and with that he opened his mouth and blew out a gust of air made visible by the artic chill of the evening, “and look I’ve got steam coming out of me!” The super was at a loss for words. My grandfather and his dog continued their walk with no more talk from the super.

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