Mia: Shaken Not Stirred


The true life stories of a NYC female.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Sometimes a cucumber is just a cucumber...


My mom has a unique way of spreading her words of wisdom that will often leave us cracking up. We all get what she’s saying it’s just the way she phrases it is a killer. I call them “Maggie-isms” here are some of my favorite ones… and the inspiration behind them…


#1: “A true friend will tell you what you need to hear not just what you want to hear.”

As a teen I had a chunky friend notorious for wearing clothes a couple of sizes of too small. She dressed the size she had been once upon many pounds ago instead of the size she actually was. As a result she was prone to industrial size muffin top, camel toe, popping zippers, snapping bras and flying buttons not to mention jackets that wouldn’t close. There was no use trying to get her to wear appropriate sized clothing because she saw nothing wrong with what she wore.

One day while her zipper popped and almost took my eye out when it ricocheted across the room. As my mom tended to my eye she suggested a larger size to my friend which offended her. Mom then added, “A true friend will tell you what you need to hear not just what you want to hear.”



#2: “Sometimes a cucumber is just a cucumber and not a sex toy.”

A friend of my mothers felt insulted by a remark made to her by a mutual friend of theirs during breakfast. My mother felt that her friend was reading more into the remark than was necessary. The two women began arguing the wounded party turned to my mother and asked her for her opinion, “You know sometimes a cucumber is just a cucumber and not a sex toy.” said mom. The women were stunned and stared at my mom as if she had a 3rd head. My mom then clarified what she meant, “stop trying to make it into something that it’s not.”

3:"No matter how much Preparation H you put on an asshole, it`s still an asshole. It will never turn into a rose."

Several years ago I was in a relationship with a narcissist. My mom adored the guy but she often said while he was a sweet person he was a horrible boyfriend and that I really needed to walk away from him. My argument was that he really was trying to change and she replied, "No matter how much Preparation H you put on an asshole, it’s still an asshole. It will never turn into a rose." It was her way of telling me that no matter how hard I wished it or tried he was never going to change. She was right.

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