Mia: Shaken Not Stirred

The true life stories of a NYC female.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

I Was Murdered

I’d do anything for Jackie aka “she who plays with dead things” including accidently dying from anaphylactic shock to help her in her mortuary science studies. Until yesterday when I received my death certificate ( see above) I’d never questioned her devotion to me. Even though it lists Anaphylaxis as the official cause of death, I suspect I was actually the victim of (cue dramatic music) murder. As a graduate of John Jay College of Criminal Justice, as a person who majored in forensics and has seen every episode of the Law and Order franchise at least 4 times I declare something is rotten in the state of Cali and the smell is wafting from none other than (cue dramatic music again) Mrs. Jaclyn Himmel.

As I sit here in purgatory’s ante room awaiting my final fate I have to wonder what went wrong. How did we go from this in January 2005…

JaCLyN said...
Oh my midget I miss you so....It’s a new year and as you know I'm not an emotional person, I'd rather show it instead of saying it. Fuck it though, lemme just tell you that you’re a great friend to have. You’re as spontaneous as me so its easy to make plans and be on the move and I have a great time hanging out with you whether it be with my or your crack head friends, or even just us in the street with no money and nothing to do....I'm white as hell and you’re a lil caramelish of color but we still blend in and I kinda made a rhyme. You’re one of the few people who I let call me Jackie- so feel honored-what all this blabber and hooplah is leading me to say is simply put as this. I love you and I’m proud to say that I know i have a friend like you, someone who’s been here for the long haul and I know always will be. So there- that’s my emotional statement to you- check back in 2006 and maybe you’ll get another.
1/19/2005 7:43 PM

and this...

Nov.19, 2005: Side note to Jackie: You know how I feel about you heffa words can never truly express how grateful I am to be your midget and have you as my friend. I probably don’t tell you enough but then again you and I have never really needed words to express our love for each other. Happy 23rd birthday my heffa… I LOVE YOU.

JaCLyN said...
bad midget lol
I’m glad you and reina came to the fiesta, I didn’t know u were gettin stared down by the likes of Coldplay lmao
And yes you learned a great lesson Chubby does not=preggo
Behave my Dear, PS I know you love my tall ass just like I love your short little self. You’re the best midget I could ever ask for
11/23/2005 9:51 AM
...to murder by shrimp in 2008.

Allow me to state the facts, just the facts and present my evidence that the crime of murder was committed against Mia aka the midget by none other than her beloved Jackie aka my gentle giant…

On the night in question we were supposed to have gone to dinner at an Italian restaurant yet we ended up dining at her apartment. I believe I was lured there so that when the plot was finally put in motion no one would be around to help me. Jackie and I have been friends for nearly a decade and during that time the fact that I am deathly allergic to shell fish has come up. My allergy is so severe I can’t even be in an area where shellfish is being prepared it hinders my breathing. Jackie knows this, the woman has a mind like a steel trap, she never forgets anything. Knowing this why would she be preparing shell fish in her apartment while I am there?

Jackie by her own admission always carries an EpiPen with her due to her own allergies to bee stings. How could it be that she wouldn’t have said EpiPen good to go in her own apartment? I submit Exhibit “A” a comment left by the suspect in question on this very same blog on April 17, 2008…

Jaclyn said...
everyone knows i religiously carry my epipen for fear of a sudden beehive attack. Just a thought.
I love killing you my dear friend.

The motivation for the crime… temporary insanity, clowns and my twisted sense of humor. Last November I was tempted to send a singing clown to Jackie’s house, for her birthday…Jackie has a fear of clowns. When she found out about she threatened me with bodily harm and shrimp was mentioned. I never took her seriously. I present Exhibit “B” in the form of yet another comment left on this blog on November 10, 2007:

Jaclyn said...
Not only will I be in jail for throwing a clown down my stair case, I'll also receive a hefty hospital bill for my sudden heart attack. I will then make a point of slipping pureed shrimp into your food when you aren’t looking the next time I see you. Yeah, I said it!!! I'm 5'8" by the way my dear midget, things really must look quite tall from all the way down there :)
Love ya
C'mon over, I wanna make you a "special" dinner...muahahah

I rest my case, slap the cuffs on her. I only ask that the court be lenient on her and not sentence her too harshly perhaps a weekend at a clown convention would satisfy the cry for justice my family will demand. Jackie has been under a lot of stress since moving to California this past summer. I think that in between dealing with the lack of weed, crappy cab service and experiencing severe Dunkin’ Donuts withdrawl. the fine tight rope of her sanity that she'd precariously walked upon finally snapped. In short the bitch is crazy, and since she murdered me I'm won't be around to provide her with free therapy.

Plans are for my memorial service are still pending. I ask that in lieu of flowers donations be sent to The United Clown College Fund because a red bulbous nose is a terrible thing to waste.

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Posted by @ 10:31 AM
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