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Mia: Shaken Not Stirred |
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Thursday, May 01, 2008I Was Murdered I’d do anything for Jackie aka “she who plays with dead things” including accidently dying from anaphylactic shock to help her in her mortuary science studies. Until yesterday when I received my death certificate ( see above) I’d never questioned her devotion to me. Even though it lists Anaphylaxis as the official cause of death, I suspect I was actually the victim of (cue dramatic music) murder. As a graduate of John Jay College of Criminal Justice, as a person who majored in forensics and has seen every episode of the Law and Order franchise at least 4 times I declare something is rotten in the state of Cali and the smell is wafting from none other than (cue dramatic music again) Mrs. Jaclyn Himmel. As I sit here in purgatory’s ante room awaiting my final fate I have to wonder what went wrong. How did we go from this in January 2005… JaCLyN said... and this... ...to murder by shrimp in 2008. Allow me to state the facts, just the facts and present my evidence that the crime of murder was committed against Mia aka the midget by none other than her beloved Jackie aka my gentle giant… On the night in question we were supposed to have gone to dinner at an Italian restaurant yet we ended up dining at her apartment. I believe I was lured there so that when the plot was finally put in motion no one would be around to help me. Jackie and I have been friends for nearly a decade and during that time the fact that I am deathly allergic to shell fish has come up. My allergy is so severe I can’t even be in an area where shellfish is being prepared it hinders my breathing. Jackie knows this, the woman has a mind like a steel trap, she never forgets anything. Knowing this why would she be preparing shell fish in her apartment while I am there? Jackie by her own admission always carries an EpiPen with her due to her own allergies to bee stings. How could it be that she wouldn’t have said EpiPen good to go in her own apartment? I submit Exhibit “A” a comment left by the suspect in question on this very same blog on April 17, 2008…
The motivation for the crime… temporary insanity, clowns and my twisted sense of humor. Last November I was tempted to send a singing clown to Jackie’s house, for her birthday…Jackie has a fear of clowns. When she found out about she threatened me with bodily harm and shrimp was mentioned. I never took her seriously. I present Exhibit “B” in the form of yet another comment left on this blog on November 10, 2007:
I rest my case, slap the cuffs on her. I only ask that the court be lenient on her and not sentence her too harshly perhaps a weekend at a clown convention would satisfy the cry for justice my family will demand. Jackie has been under a lot of stress since moving to California this past summer. I think that in between dealing with the lack of weed, crappy cab service and experiencing severe Dunkin’ Donuts withdrawl. the fine tight rope of her sanity that she'd precariously walked upon finally snapped. In short the bitch is crazy, and since she murdered me I'm won't be around to provide her with free therapy. Plans are for my memorial service are still pending. I ask that in lieu of flowers donations be sent to The United Clown College Fund because a red bulbous nose is a terrible thing to waste. Labels: anaphylactic shock, friends, jaclyn Click here to read entire post.  @
10:31 AM
4 comment from:  Mia, Mia, Jaclyn, Mia,
 
 Wednesday, April 16, 2008My Kingdom For an EpiPen Jackie aka she who plays with dead things called. Jackie is a mortuary science major and because no one in her family was willing to give their lives for the good of her education she turned to me. She’s going to be working on death certificates next week and wanted to know if I’d be willing to die. There was a time in my life when I’d been so ill that I had actually died and the only thing I came away with that time other than my life (duh) and the possibility of some brain damage (jury is still out on that one) was a killer sore throat and laryngitis from the breathing tube shoved down my throat and kept in place for a month. As an added incentive for meeting my maker Jackie promised that this time I’d actually get my own death certificate. The best thing about this proposed field trip with the Grim Reaper besides the fact that I didn’t actually have to go with him was that I’d get to choose how I died this time. Last time I had no choice in the matter but this time was different. Without any hesitation I gave Jackie the permission to go ahead and kill me. Hey sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and sacrifice yourself for the greater good people. Not content just to drop dead I wanted a background story, so Jackie and I went to work on the death of Mia. I don’t like doing things half-assed if I’m going to kick the bucket I wanted it to be unique. After a few scenarios it was decided that I died while hanging with Jackie. I always knew that chick would be the death of me I had just always assumed it was going to involve some smoke and booze not anaphylactic shock which by the way kills less than 1,000 people per year in the U.S. I suggested shedding my mortal coil via some cross contamination of food at a restaurant involving shrimp but Jackie wanted to make sure I was good and dead. We’d gone out to dinner at an Italian restaurant the story went and I’d ordered the stuffed artichokes. As I ate my dinner I began to feel ill. Shrimps had been added to the stuffing, I wish I had thought to ask the waiter what the damn artichoke was stuffed with before I ordered my dinner. I’m allergic to shrimps. I was having trouble breathing and with no epinephrine in sight I was in big trouble. “An EpiPen, my kingdom for an EpiPen!”, were the last words I was able to gasp out as Jackie tried to comfort me. An ambulance was called but it was delayed and by the time they got there I was gone. As my spirit formed hovered over Jackie I let fly a string of curses mad at myself for not having ordered the chicken parmesan instead. Labels: anaphylactic shock, death Click here to read entire post. @
10:36 AM
6 comment from: Goggles Piasano Ritardo, Goggles Piasano Ritardo,  , Mia, Jaclyn, Mia,
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