Mia: Shaken Not Stirred


The true life stories of a NYC female.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Welcome To My World Old Man


I walked into the kitchen to let my parents know my grandmother was on the phone talking to my siblings and found the parental units making out. “Jesus Christ, people cut that out! There’s food in here!” I yelled at them, the sight of them kissing making me temporarily forget about the message.

My mom pulled away from my dad rubbing his chest as she laughed. As I poured myself a glass of water my dad stared at me, a mischievous grin on his face oh man he’s getting ready to do something to gross me out…I can feel it in my bones. He pulled her back into his arms hugging her tightly against his chest and kissed her again, just before releasing her he dropped a kiss on her neck. “I love the way you smell. Mujer, me vuelves loco .” “Eww, pa that’s just wrong.” Mom smiled at me and shook her head as she went back to cleaning the counter.

“What? I can’t show my woman I love her?” “Dude, don’t get me wrong I think it’s great but you’re my parents for God’s sake. I don’t wanna see you guys playing tongue hockey. I’m going to need reconstructive eye surgery by the time I move out of here.” “Really, eye surgery?” “Yeah man.” “Well as long as you’re getting the surgery done anyway might as well make it count.” He laughed wiggling his eyebrows at me as he grabbed my mom by the shoulders and turned her around to face him rubbing his nose with hers just before he laid a toe curling kiss on her. When he released her she was blushing. “Ha, in your face little one!”

I pointed my finger at my dad as I stepped up to him getting on my tippy toes to look up into his green eyes “You know I never told you this because I wanted to spare you the trauma, but old man you leave me no choice.” “Tell me what?” I gave him an evil look complete with matching smirk, “Remember when grandma and grandpa were out here visiting during the summer?” “Yeah and?” “Mia!” I ignored the warning tone in mom’s voice and plowed on “Well…get ready for this one ….Me and Uncle Mike walked in on them in his kitchen while grandma was doing dishes. Dude, your 64 year old father was all pressed up all on your 60 year old mother and he was palming her ass with one hand and copping a feel off her boobs with the other!” I held up my hands for emphasis making grabbing motions. “I repeat, palming her ass and feeling up on her boobs!” My mom winced and shook her head before she burst out laughing. “Oh shit!” she said. My dad grimaced and visibly shuddered. “I’m going to be sick.” he muttered as he ran his hands over his face. I leaned against the counter crossing my arms over my chest, a big Cheshire cat grin on my face.

I could tell he was running the scenario through his head. He looked a little green around the gills. I suddenly remembered why I’d come into the kitchen in the first place, victory was mines. “Oh by the way pa, grandma is on the phone.” “Seriously?” “Yup” He stuck his hands in his pockets and looked at my mom. “Babe you talk to her. I-I- can’t, not right now.” My mom glared at both of us, “Oh for the love of God both of you are a trip. Mia, no more picking on your father for today.” She said as she walked past me pulling me out of the kitchen with her. I glanced over my shoulder at him, and yelled out, “Welcome to my word old man!”

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