Mia: Shaken Not Stirred

The true life stories of a NYC female.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

I’ve Had Some of The Best times I’ll Never Remember With You

It was supposed to be a quiet evening at a friend’s house, a small group of stressed out college students winding down after exams bonding over a bottle of tequila. Guay was a couple of shots away from putting a lampshade on her head. Our host was feeling no pain, well at least not yet.

Guay and I were philosophizing about the true meaning of life and our purpose in this world when she excused herself to use the bathroom. Our host looked at me, “What the fuck was that all about?” she asked. “It’s our inner geek. Give us a few shots and we channel Socrates and Plato.”
I replied shrugging my shoulders. At that our host let loose a peal of laughter kicking her leg out just as the already wobbly Guay was mincing past her causing Guay to lose her balance. Holy monkey, this is going down bad. I thought to myself as I watched the mighty Guay topple. She landed hard on her knees with her open mouth on the girl’s bare knee. The girl let out a yelp and rubbed her knee. Our eyes quickly darted between Guay, our host, her knee and when Guay ran her finger along the front of her teeth we exploded in laughter. Guay had not only taken out a small chunk of the knee but she’d left teeth marks behind as well. Our host stared down at her knee in disbelief as a small trickle of blood made its way down towards her shin.

“She bit me, she fucking bit me!” our host gasped laughing as she ran off to take care of her injury. I bent over Guay and wagged my finger in her face,“Bad Guay, bad, bad Guay! It’s not nice to eat the host!" That was a big mistake on my part because it only made Guay laugh, making it more difficult to get her up off the floor. Guay is a big chick, a tall chick, I look like one of the 7 dwarfs standing next to her. Lifting a drunken Guay in the throes of hysterical laughter was not an easy task so a couple of the females rushed over to give me a hand. As we struggled to get Guay off the floor I whispered in her ear, “So is true what they say Guay… does it taste just like chicken?”

That was the remark that pretty much busted the camel’s back or in this case I should say the camel’s bladder. She laughed so hard she turned red… she laughed so hard she cried… she laughed so hard she peed. “Ladies be careful the floor is slippery I don’t want anyone busting their asses on the piss. I don’t think anyone wants to go home smelling of urine and tequila, it’s not the latest J-Lo fragrance you know.” I warned the females as I dropped Guay onto a folding chair while someone ran off to get her a change of clothes.

Guay draped her arms around my waist and hugged me “Mia I think I chipped my tooth on her knee.” She muttered. “It doesn’t surprise me your mouth hit her knee pretty hard.” I said as I rested my chin on the top of her head. “Hello you bit a piece of her off. Look at her over there a snoopy band-aid covering up her missing chunk of knee. That’s just so damn sad. I hope you’re happy now. You’ve ended her kneecap modeling career you damn cannibal.” Guay laughed again and this time managed to pee on one of my sneakers. “Yo, just how much urine does a human bladder hold?” I asked one of the girls. “I think this chick is part camel or something.” One of the girls laughed. “Mia shut up before she drowns you!” she said pointing to my feet as another little trickle landed on my brand new black leather Nike’s as Guay continued to laugh.” “Remind me to get you some Depends next time we drink.”

A short time later Guay emerged from the bathroom wearing a pair of sweat pants provided by our host. Her sister called she was on her way to pick her up. As we waited for her ride outside Guay hugged me, “You don’t have to pee again do you?” I teased. She laughed,“No, Mia I am so embarrassed.” “Don’t be.",said the host. “That shit was mad funny.” “Besides,” I added, "You won’t even remember this in the morning." Guay nodded her head, “True that. Yo Mia I’ve had some of the best times I’ll never remember with you.”

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