Mia: Shaken Not Stirred


The true life stories of a NYC female.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Hello my name is Mia and I steal fruit


We went out drinking Angela warned me “That’s enough Mia no more for you. You’re going to get drunk.” Oh yee of liffle fay, nunsent I’m not getting dwunk I’mma liffle tipsy that’s all! I thought to myself which is why when what’s his name brought me that last drink I drank it. When Angie came back from the loo she found me with a Cheshire cat grin downing my Sambusca. Sambusca the forbidden drink! Yeah that was the drink that put me over.

We went outside to hail a cab for me walking past Fine Fare’s out door produce display. “Oh look fruit! Let me get a fruit, let me get a pear!” I tried to make a break from underneath Angie’s umbrella to grab it but she stopped me. We walked a few more feet and I spotted some apples. It seems that when drunk I think fast on my wobbly feet. I kept staring at the apples, Granny Smith my favorite. All that stood between me and that gorgeous shiny pale green apple was a tall Italian chick named Angela because the Mexican produce guy seemed to have no objection to me having an apple. Well I think he was Mexican I’m not too sure he could’ve been Asian with 2 heads for all I know by that time things were starting to look a little blurry…okay I lie a lot blurry. Things were looking a lot blurry. Anyway back to the story….

As I was saying the guy guarding the produce seemed to have no objection to me having the afore mentioned apple… it was just Angela. I felt the light bulb go on over my head (oy that was going to ache in the morning), “Angie my phone! I can’t find my phone!” as I ran my finger over the phone in my pocket. Angie then left me under the umbrella while she ran off to search for my phone. As soon as she was out of site I pounced on the apples! No joke here I’m serious. I literally pounced on the fruit causing the produce guy to start laughing. I stood ¼ of a inch away from the apples my hand poised in the air ready to snatch one up. I turned my head to look at him and gave him a smile, and in my best Jim Carrey imitation hissed, “I’m taking this!” and waved it at him announcing my theft to the world. I could’ve sworn I heard him laugh. I reached into my messenger bag and pulled out a bottle of water and rinsed the apple off quickly yelled, “My germs!” and bit into it in order to prevent it from being taken away from me. A few minutes later my apple and I were in the back of a cab making our way home. Through out the ride home I chatted with Angie on the phone while spitting out apple peel all over the back of the cab. Don’t worry the cab driver was compensated for this he got a $20.00 tip.

As soon as I got home I put the half-eaten apple in the fridge for safe keeping. It seems I am also thrifty when plastered. Snuggled under my covers a bit later it suddenly hit me I have stolen fruit before under the influence of alcohol! Several months ago while drinking I snatched up two tiny limes and brought them home with me. I even waved them at the vendor and told him I was taking them and he just started laughing. I’m a fruit thief when drunk! As I drifted off to sleep the room started spinning and this dance song was playing in my head “Tumba la casa tumba la casa…” ” Why is this room spinning? Stop spinning! I’m never drinking like that again… why are there so many people here? Hello my name is Mia and I steal fruit. ” are the last things I heard myself mumbling before I drifted off to sleep.

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Posted by @ 11:46 AM
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