Mia: Shaken Not Stirred

The true life stories of a NYC female.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Some Advice For Mr. Columbia, South Carolina

People often come to me for advice you know general stuff…
Are these jeans too tight on me?
If you can sit down and are still conscious after 5 minutes no the jeans are not too tight.

Should I take a semester off of school?
No! Wait allow me to rephrase that… hell to the mother heffin’ no.

My man says he’s allergic to condoms what should I do?
Tell him you’re allergic to unwanted pregnancies and disease and that unprotected sex makes your thighs slam themselves shut so tight that not even the Jaws of Life can pry them open.

Sometimes people even stop by the blog looking for the occasional nugget of wisdom and advice nestled in my stories. However someone recently stopped by looking for a tip I know for damn sure I’ve never covered in this blog well at least not until today. Someone from Columbia, South Carolina recently (see screen shot above) was led to my blog in answer to the query, “What is the best way for me to put my dick into my girlfriend if she is a virgin.” Uh yeah that’s a new one even for me but I’ve never been one to turn someone away when they need advice so here we go…

1: First of all make sure you wear a condom unless you want to back here in a month searching for tips on how to tell if your girlfriend is pregnant. Yes, she can get pregnant her first time. Yes, she can get pregnant even if you do it standing up in the shower. Yes, she can get pregnant even if she has her period. Oh yeah check the expiration date on your condom because just like pop tarts they too have an expiration date.

2. I’m assuming you know about foreplay so we’re going to skip that here. If you don’t then look it up. I’ve got a degree in psychology not sex therapy.

3: When inserting said penis into said vagina do it gently with great care and respect. This moment will stay with her forever so make sure she doesn’t regret it . The last thing you want to be is a painful wince in someone’s memory. Remember the gift the female is giving you is precious so make sure you treat it as such. It can’t be taken back once it’s been opened. After you’re done make sure to hold her and tell her how beautiful she is and how much she means to you.

4:Don’t jump out of bed like your ass is on fire and run off to text message your friends. This moment is private and it is not show and tell.

5:If all of this is too much work for you or if you have to fake it then back away from the hoo ha you have no business being that close to it. Let her save it for someone who is going to treat it with the reverence it deserves. Sex is a big responsibility Mr. Columbia, South Carolina it’s more than just a physical release remember that.

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Posted by @ 11:58 PM
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