Mia: Shaken Not Stirred

The true life stories of a NYC female.

Sunday, August 10, 2008



--Ouch! Cut it out!

I turned in my seat and to observe the action going on behind me and stifled a laugh. They were at it again.

--Ow! Will you stop?




She narrowed her eyes and spoke through gritted teeth.

--I. Am. Going. To. Snuff. You.

Poke…Slap slapslapslap

-Ouch damn you hit hard you animal!


--I told you to leave me alone.

Complete and utter silence for about a minute


--What the fuck am I the only person you know in this car?

-No, but you’re the only one with the cute little elf ears.

The SUV filled with laughter. Those in front were glad that the dueling duo were in the back by themselves.

--Seriously you’re working my last nerve I’m going to put you in a headlock.

-You wouldn’t dare.

--Poke me again and watch what’s going to happen. Swear to my mother.

-Don’t swear to mommy she’s dead.

--I swear to my half of mom!

-Not cool

She let out an exasperated sigh.

--How about dad?

-Okay that’s cool.

--Fine I swear to daddy.

---Hey no swearing to me. Leave me out of it.

--Well tell your son something.




---Leave your sister alone.

--Yeah you bastard leave me alone!

-I’m not a bastard mom and dad were married when I was born.

I watched as his hand slowly inched towards her thigh in pinch mode, she pretended not to notice.

--Yeah well being a bastard is not necessarily a status of birth it’s also a state of mind.


--Did I stutter, were the words too hard for you to understand?


-- I think you’re a bastard therefore you are.

More laughter

She looked down at his hand which was now resting on her thigh

--If you pinch me it is so on.



--That’s what you get for pinching me.

-Well don’t call me a bastard.

--You’re right I’m sorry. We have no solid proof that you’re an actual bastard. You were adopted after all. Found in a dumpster.




- Ha! Totally worth it.


-Take it back I’m not adopted. Plus you look too much like me anyway for that to be true. Take it back or I’ll pinch you again.

--Fine pain in the ass, you’re not adopted but I don’t look like you, you look like me I’m older than you remember that little brother. I don’t know why they had to go and have another kid.

---You wanted a little brother

--I also recall wanting a motorcycle for my birthday and yet I never got one of those did I daddy?

---Are you two going to keep this up the entire trip?

--Ah I won’t if you tell the poisoned demonic fruit of your loins to stop picking on me.

---Poisoned que?

-She said demonic fruit of your loins dad. She’s calling your stuff evil and funky pop.

Their father had no choice but to laugh.

--Not so little brother.It’s not daddy’s fault. He was having an off day when he made you. I am calling you evil. You’re the anti-Christ. Rosemary’s Baby has nada on you.


--Keep it up. I am going to kill you in your sleep tonight I hope you realize that .

-I can’t help myself you’re too cute when you’re mad. Are you mad? Huh are you really mad at me sis?

she laughed and rolled her eyes at him.


-It’s the dimples isn’t it? You can’t stay mad at me because of my dimples.

--No it’s just my parents taught me to be patient with the feeble minded.



--- Mira demonic fruit of my loins leave your sister alone.

Laugher…two minutes of silence…

Poke...poke... She’d decided to ignore him…poke…poke….poke…. he would not be ignored…poke…poke…poke…. She looked out the window and sang along with the radio…poke…poke…poke…poke…she rolled her eyes moving away from him…he kept sliding besides her on the seat until she was pressed up against the door…poke…poke…she jumped on him and true to her word put him in a headlock. The more he struggled the tighter she gripped.


--Come on say it!

-argggh gah

---Let go of your brother.

--come on say it you damn anti-Christ!

his hands were flaying, his legs were kicking, and he was turning red but he refused to give in as he struggled against her. The driver laughed.


--say it now ! Don’t act like you don’t have it memorized ‘cause you know you do. You’ve said it often enough. Come on you know what comes next. Say. It.


---Let go of your brother. NOW.

She relaxed her grip on him but didn’t totally unwrap her arms from him.

he started giggling

--Fine. Now say it

-You’re the queen of the universe.



-I’m a lowly peasant unworthy of licking the mud off your shoes.

-Peasant? I thought it was peon?

--I don’t remember I could’ve sworn it was peasant.


satisfied she released him and sat back

--You hurt me.

-Aww I’m sorry girly man but I warned you.

-Girly man?

she shrugged her shoulders

--Yeah that was kind of weak.

---You two okay back there?

-Yeah daddy we’re fine.

---Okay then


-Oh for the love of sweet baby Jesus cut it out !



she lunged at him again raining slaps on him wherever she could catch him, the more she slapped the harder he laughed.

-Yeah boy how you like that? Huh how you like me now?


The car stopped and their father whipped his head around pinning them still with a death stare and shook his finger at them. Hey I know that look mom gives me the same look.

---Am I going to have to come back there? Because I will and I promise you won’t like it. I’m making a list here you two and you know what’s going to happen when I reach the end of that list!

The terrible two stopped and looked at each other bursting into laughter at the same time and high fived each other.

--Oh shit dad broke out the list! When was the last time he threatened us with the list Maggie?

-Ah like 1976 , ‘77? Na it was ’78 !

again they shouted in unison. God this was scary it was like they shared a brain.

-That party in Spanish Harlem! Remember we snuck out through the attic and shimmied down the drain pipe?

---I still haven’t forgotten that one.

Uncle Joey winked at mom and draped his arm over my mother’s shoulder

-Neither have we right sis?


----Grandpa were they always like this?

---Worse. I tell you nena I barely survived raising those two.

I turned back in my seat and faced my grandfather he had a big smile on his face. These were his children, his pride and joy, the result of his marriage to my grandmother. My mom’s other brothers the ones she raised are her half-brothers from grandma’s second marriage. This uncle is the only one old enough to have grown up with mom. She is his big sister while to my other uncles she is more mom than sister.

This uncle is old enough to remember her as a child. The love between them is way different she is his big sister, his partner in crime as he calls her. When they are together like this it’s easy to imagine them as kids. It was us against the world my uncle Joey always says. My granddad was a teen dad and raised his two children with no one’s help. He refused to give his children up to either side of their family. In many ways he grew up with them too. I watched his face as he laughed at their silliness today. In his eyes they were still his babies not the 46 yr old mother of three and certainly not the 45 yr old grandfather of one. In his eyes they were still his little boy and girl.


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