Mia: Shaken Not Stirred

The true life stories of a NYC female.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Uncloggable Beads

Warning: Post is slightly adult in content

It’s official, not that I ever had any doubt really my mother is without the coolest mom ever. Usually I name names when I write here but I don’t want to embarrass the chick…

A friend of mines has been going through a bit of sexual frustration and decided to purchase herself a “toy” to relieve her situation. However because she couldn't trust her parents not to open up the package when it arrived she asked me if she could have it delivered to my house instead. The day came when the package finally arrived. Ma looked up from her book to ask me why didn’t my friend have it to delivered to her house instead of ours thus saving her the trip of having to come to our house to pick it up…

Mia: Because it’s a (doing finger quotes) toy ma.

Mom: A (doing finger quotes back at me) toy? What is it Tickle Me Elmo?

Mia: Ma! A (finger quote) TOY!

I arch my eyebrow.

Mia: Ma a toy… a toy you know one of THOSE toys.

I give her a minute to get what I said

Mom: Really? One of THOSE toys? What's her face is a toucher? Oh my que sucia! You know Mia she could have saved herself a couple of bucks and just used her fingers. I mean damn it doesn’t matter how big it is it’s not the actual penetration that does the trick it’s the friction against the clitoris that produces the desired results.

Mia: Ma!

Mom: Que fue? If she's into self-loving it's nothing to be ashamed of. More power to her for being that comfortable with herself. If she’s bellaca she’s bellaca no shame in that. I’m just saying she didn’t have to spend any money to take care of her problem.

It’s not often that a conversation with my mom leaves me shaken but this was turning out to be one of those rare ones…

Mia: Thank you mother for the lesson on masturbation. If you don’t mind me asking HOW do you know this stuff anyway?

Mom: I did a research paper on women’s sexuality. Anything else you’re friend needs to know tell her to holla at me.

Mia: Mom you’re my mother!

Mom: So they tell me. You know Mia I wasn’t born a mother I was made one and just because you were born on Christmas that does not mean that you are the product of an immaculate conception. I didn’t exactly pick you out of a catalog you know.

Mia: Shhhh ma I shhhhhh I don’t need the mental images burned into my brain.

Mom: Hey I’m just saying why spend the money on a latex toy when she could have produced the same results (finger quote) naturally and not risk an allergic reaction.

Mia: Allergic reaction?

Mom: Yeah. She should make sure that thing is hypoallergenic before putting it to use. You know some people are allergic to latex it makes them break out in hives, rashes, swell up in some rare cases it even causes death. Can you imagine your friend dropping dead of an allergic reaction and being found with that thing buzzing away?

Mia: Oh my there’s a pretty picture.

just then my friend arrived to pick up her package. I warned my mother, “be nice ma no jokes!” she shrugged her shoulders and went back to her book. My friend opened the box to inspect the contents…she read the box of the toy’s box out loud…reciting the selling point of the toy…I know she was doing this in an attempt to shock my mother little did she know my mom isn’t easily flustered…

Friend:uncloggable beads…

Mom and Mia: what?

Friend: uncloggable beads…

Mom: It has beads? What the fuck is it a macramé (finger quote) toy? If it is I hope it’s water proof.

Mia: Ma!

Mom: Sorry. You know on second thought I can see why the beads should be uncloggable.

Friend: why?

she was about to launch into a graphic explanation when I interrupted her…

Mia: Ma!

Mom: (whispering to my friend) I’ll tell you later and if you still don’t get it I’ll draw some sketches for you.


Mom: What?! Uncloggable beads how cool is that! Uncloggable beads girl! That alone is worth a laugh, uncloggable beads!

Just then my dad arrived from work and mom went off to tend to him. However for the rest of the night everytime she walked past us the living room she'd sing The Divinyls "I Touch Myself" a song about self-loving... all we could do was laugh...

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