Mia: Shaken Not Stirred

The true life stories of a NYC female.

Sunday, August 31, 2008


It’s my way of thinking that usually when someone sees a man with a very large knife hitting a coconut in the palm of his hand their first inclination is to move out of his way. Well it turns out not everyone shares my line of thinking.


--C’mon baby move your hand let me get a look at it.



-Leave. Me. Alone.

--Baby please?

-I want to see how you’re going to explain this to my father.

--It was an accident

-Yeah sure that’s what they all say.

--Babe just move your hand and let me see how bad it is.

-In the words of my late grandmother vete al carajo (go to hell).

--Damn it Maggie let me see!

-Don’t you dare swear at me.

--You swore at me first.

-I’m entitled to you hit me with a fucking coconut… a coconut dude! Shit like this never happens to me shit like this happens to Mia.

---No need to bring me into this lady. Hello I saw the knife, I saw the coconut, I saw father swing said knife at said coconut and my ass moved into the next room thank you very much. Had a blonde moment did you?

-Shut up.

she moved her hand and looked up at my father. He winced.

--God baby that’s a bad one it’s going to leave an ugly bruise.

-Yeah well my dad is going to flip when he sees it.

--Na he’ll be fine.

-Oh yeah? What’s the first thing my dad told you when we got married?

My dad narrowed his eyes and started thinking back.

--He said if I ever make you cry he’d kill me.

-No not that one the other one.

--If I ever cheat on you he will kill me.

-No, no! The other one!

--Honey it’s hard to remember for god’s sake I lived in fear for the first seven years of our marriage. Woman the men in your family were always threatening to kill me. All ten of your uncles threatened me!

-Oh please you exaggerate.

--No I don’t. Don’t you remember your uncle Harry? The man took me to the kitchen during our wedding dinner and told me that if I ever laid a hand on you that he would gut me like a pig and feed me into his wood chipper. Then he had the balls to put his arms around my shoulder and welcome me to the family.

mom laughed

-I forgot my uncle Harry threatened you.

--The only one who didn’t threaten me was your deaf uncle.

-Oh Uncle Angel threatened you I just refused to translate the threat. So Uncle Harry’s threat was from both of them. It was Angel’s idea to add the wood chipper part.

dad bent over and kissed her forehead and she winced.

--God honey I am so sorry. Does it hurt?

she nodded her head

-So you don’t remember what my dad told you about leaving marks on me?

--Oh shit. Yeah I do he said that if I ever as so much leave a love bite on you he’d kill me.

-Wanna guess who is coming to dinner tomorrow?

--Your dad?


my dad tilted the coconut over a glass and let the water drain into it as soon as it was full he handed it to my mother. My brother walked into the room and did a double take when he saw the knot on my mother’s forehead

--Here drink this.

---What the hell happened to mom?

-I got hit with a coconut.

my brother arched his brow and surveyed the dining room and then tilted his body towards the living room before turning to face our parents.

---News flash people we have no coconut trees in this house.

my dad explained how the coconut flew out of his hand and hit my mother.

---Oh crap dad grandpa is going to kill you!

--So I’ve heard.

mom finished her drink and handed it back to dad. My dad held up the coconut and offered some of its meat to her which she declined.

-Babe that’s the reason your ancestors left the island and came here you know. They heard that here in America that stuff is available in packages.

my dad flashed a smile at her and popped a chunk of coconut meat in her mouth, kissed her on the nose and then laughed.

--Give me a break woman you’re dad is going to kill me tomorrow.

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Posted by @ 12:26 AM
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