Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Stevie is in love


My baby brother Steven is in love. He just turned 17 on Saturday and has been dating a 17 yr old girl named Jaskiry . They make an adorable couple. They’re all giggles and dimples.

While my mom has known they’ve been dating for months since Stevie introduced her to mom right away, Jaskiry’s parents just recently found out about the two. My mother told my brother he needed to go and introduce himself to Jaskiry’s father so that the man would know that my brother was no titere (hoodlum). It turned out that the girl lives in my grandfather’s neighborhood and her parents know my grandfather. My brother approached Jaskiry’s father with the confidence of a full grown man. He held out his hand to her father and said, “Hello sir my name is Steven . I go to school with your daughter and have been dating her for the past month. I wanted to talk to you back then but your daughter asked me not to but I am not a kid anymore and I wasn’t I wasn’t raised to do things behind people’s back so I am here to ask for permission to continue seeing your daughter.”

Steven then told him who his grandfather was and the girl’s dad asked him 101 questions and gave his consent to them. Several more weeks passed every day my brother would take the bus from my house to the other side of the Bronx just to escort her home from school. Her father took note of this and in true Latino fashion approached my brother, “Steven from now on I want you to come over to my house I don’t want you two seeing each other in the streets.” When her mother met my brother she was taken aback by the fact that he was so handsome and well mannered. She called my mother to complement her on raising a fine young man and to ask her permission for Steven to attend a family function. She told my mom to call her Iris and mom told her to call her Maggie. All was going well. The kids were thrilled.


Last Saturday on the 22nd of July it was mom’s turn to call Jaskiry’s mother up to ask permission for the girl to attend Stevie’s birthday dinner. The mother stipulated Steven had to have her daughter home by 9 pm and she could only come over if her brother was their chaperone.


Mom: Of course your son is more than welcomed as are you and your husband if you’d like to attend as well.

Iris: is it going to be something big and will you be serving liquor?

Mom: No it’s just family and friends. There will be no liquor neither my husband nor I drink and we certainly would never serve liquor to kids.

Iris: This is all so new to me. I never let my daughter out at night. Things are so crazy here in the United States. Your son is her first boyfriend.

actually my brother is the first boy the parents know about but he is not her first boyfriend. shhhhhh.

Mom: I understand how you feel. I have two daughters of my own. I assure you steven is not a titere. He is well aware that he is to treat all women the way he’d want his sisters to be treated.

Iris: It’s just that you never know. You know how boys are today, they can’t be trusted.

My mother stared at the phone and smiled but it wasn’t her big cheesy ha ha grin…it was more like let me smile so I won’t say nothing smart assed smile. She cleared her throat.

Mom: sigh I know how I raised my son and I know who my son is. You know how you raised your daughter and who she is. You need to have faith that we both did a good job with our kids.

Iris: It’s just that my daughter is a virgin and I wouldn’t want anything to change that.

Mom: Ahh I see. Well let’s get this out of the way right now. Steven is not a virgin. He is not a rapist, nor does he intimidate females into sleeping with him. My son does not take what is not offered and he is sexually responsible. He uses condoms and to make sure he does my husband and I keep a supply on hand. Like I said I know who I raised. I trust my son to act responsibly and so far he has not betrayed that trust.

My mom must have shocked the living jelly beans out of the lady because the subject was quickly dropped. She then moved on to the subject of racism.

Iris: I hope you’re not a racist.

Mom figured she was saying this because in her ignorance she was forgetting that Puerto Ricans are not all white we come in a variety of flavors. Jaskiry is a tanned complexion just a little bit darker than me.

Mom: Ay Por Dios lady. I am not a racist.

Iris: No it’s just that my daughter is on the dark side.

Mom takes the phone off speaker and says wtf is this woman saying? Her daughter is in cahoots with Darth Vader?

Mom: And?

Iris: I know how Boriquas are. I am white myself.

Mom:Uh huh.

Iris: Steven tells me you have Arab friends and family will they be there too?

Mom: Of course they love Steven they've known him since he was born so it's a big deal for them too.

Iris: I'm afraid to let my daughter go over there. You know how those people are. They are so violent with the bombs and all.

Mom: Don't worry about it I made them all promise to leave their bombs at home. The Jews promised not to shell my apartment in honor of Steven's birthday too.

Iris: No I am serious. They scare me how can you be friends with them?

My mom made the universal "fangul" signal and the universal up your butt hand gesture. Mom was heated.


Mom: Lady would you like to crap on my mother’s grave too now? So far you’ve insulted my intelligence several times during the course of this conversation. I haven’t sent you to hell out of consideration for your daughter who seems like a sweet kid. So for now before my mouth gets away from me I am going to say goodnight.

My mom hung up the phone only to turn around and see my dad and aunt Nora laughing hysterically.

Dad: So are you a racist babe?

Nora: Yeah habibi inquiring arab minds want to know if your ass is racist.

Mom: Don’t make me hurt the both of you because I will. I have a phone in my hand and I know how to use it.

My dad reached over and put his arms around my mother, “awww come here my little racist Boriqua lay some sugar on me.”

Nora: Oh great Allah I have to call Hassan and Mahmoud and tell them to leave the bombs at home. You know how we Arabs are we carry out TNT with us every where!

Mom: Come here Nora so I can slap the pita bread out of you.

Nora: imitating her father’s thick Egyptian accent and English Ohh Magda what for must you be so violent for me?

Mom: imitating a thick Spanish accent Me can’t help it ju know how we Porto Reekans are we is such a violent peoples and racist too.

Labels: family

Posted by @ 1:52 AM
4 comment from:  christina/ohio,  Aisha,  Mia,  TotallyHappened,