Mia: Shaken Not Stirred


The true life stories of a NYC female.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Fighting The Urge To Kick The Crypt Keeper's Bony Shins



In the last couple of years my friend has put on a few pounds, big friggin’ deal. Her mother a member of the Anti-Fat Gestapo and whom I refer to as the crypt keeper acts as if by gaining weight her daughter has committed a heinous crime against all of humanity. My friend had just modeled the dress she’s wearing to her graduation ceremony for us. I thought the she looked fantastic in the dress and told her so. The crypt keeper scrunched up her face. We braced ourselves for her mother’s critique. “You’re getting fat. You need to go on a diet.” The crypt keeper has had this girl on a diet since she was 8 years old Lately it’s been getting harder to control my urge to kick the crypt keeper on her bony shins.

“Oh please she looks fine, leave her alone!” After she thoroughly tore her daughter apart she turned to me, “Try the dress on Mia” I saw what she’s trying to do, she was trying to shame her daughter using me as a tool. “No way in hell I’m not trying on the dress. So get that idea out of your head.” It is extremely painful to witness my friend being torn down by her mother; I can only imagine how painful it is for her to live through it every day. I know it must be taking a toll on her self-esteem I feel that my friends’ promiscuous behavior with men is a direct result of the crypt keeper tearing her down. Yeah man it’s getting harder to control the urge to kick the crypt keeper’s bony shins.

I'm starting to think the crypt keeper has an eating disorder. She tries to control everything her daughter eats and every time her daughter eats in front of her she criticizes her for eating. Part of her food control now involves her no longer stocking the pantry or cooking. It is her opinion that a bowl of cereal or a tuna sandwich should satisfy her daughter’s appetite for dinner….every day. All that this controlling has managed to do is make my friend into a “sneak eater” Whenever we eat out she will pig out as if she was a competitive eater in training. She constantly has to lie to her mother about what she has eaten during the day. How sad is that?


Several days ago we brought a couple of Snicker Bars from a kid as part of a fund raiser. I put the candy bar that I had purchased away for my mom; I wasn’t in the mood for it. When the crypt keeper saw her daughter eating the candy bar she flipped out and “You don’t need to be eating that you’re fat enough!” and attempted to snatch it away. Seeing my candy bar on top of my messenger bag she said,” you either Mia!” To which I replied.” Back off crypt keeper I’m not your daughter I will say something.” The next morning I called my mom to check in with her and as told her,” See ma I love you so much I was thinking about you yesterday and got you a snickers. Cause ya know ma nothing says love like a Snicker’s Bar.” I looked towards my purse and the candy bar was gone. The crypt keeper had actually taken it while I slept and had thrown it down the garbage disposal so I wouldn’t eat it!

Now the crypt keeper is bugging my friend to wear a girdle with the dress and my friend is fighting her all the way. First of all I believe the girdle which was probably invented by a man with too much time on his hands is an instrument of the devil but that’s for another post. The crypt keeper tried to enlist my help in getting her daughter to wear the girdle,” What are you crazy? You’re daughter is graduating. This is a huge accomplishment! She is the first in your family to get this far and all you can focus on is a tummy bulge?! If the girdle is so important to you why don’t you freaking wear it? She doesn’t need a girdle the dress looks fine. Now get off her back already.”

I’ve noticed my friend has started rebelling in her own way. She had been losing weight up until a few weeks ago. She just doesn’t care anymore she’s stopped dieting. She’s stopped working out and has started packing on the pounds. I guess that’s her way of giving her mom a big screw yoo hoo lady! Yeah so as I was saying every time I see the crypt keeper I have to fight the urge to kick her in her bony shins.

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