Tuesday, March 14, 2006

The Noid That Would Be King


I read an interesting article about Tom Monaghan the founder of Domino’s Pizza recognized in 1999 by The Daily Catholic as one of the top 100 Holy Rollers of the 20th century. I guess him and the other 99 on the list had bigger rosaries than all the other 20th century Catholics. Monaghan is building a new city in Florida named Ave Maria with the full support of Florida Governor Jeb Bush. The ground breaking ceremony was on February 17, 2006.

Monaghan “The Noid that would be King” is a Roman Catholic and wants to run Ave Maria in accordance to strict Catholic principles. This means meatless Fridays, no skirts above the knees, and dance partners must have 12 inches of air space in between them at all times.

At any given moment citizens of Ave Maria can be stopped at random by menopausal penguins armed with wooden rulers and if the citizen has not memorized the 10 commandments may God in heaven have mercy! The citizen will then recieve a good ol' fashioned ruler smack down on their hands and be carted off to the town jail where said citizen will have to stand on one leg by their cot until they are able to recite the commandments back to front. Oh yeah and let’s not forget the obligatory confession in which said citizen sits in a dark closet like booth confessing sins to a man who probably still has altar boy on his breath. Yeah boy I know about this stuff I’m the offspring a St. Paul’s and Holy Name alumni buddy.

Monaghan’s minion partner in this is Paul Marinelli of the Barron Collier Company. The company intends to rule with an iron fist control all of Ave Maria’s (damn why can’t I get Luciano Pavarotti out of my mind now?) commercial real estate. Cable companies will not be allowed to carry x-rated channels. Se jodio no Playboy channel for the citizens of Ave Maria. I wonder if King Noid is gonna ban certain shows on HBO, Cinemax, etc. because of graphic content? Stores are banned from selling porno because you know it’s a known fact that Catholics don’t do the porn thing or whack off. It gives them hairy palms and the tooth fairy really does exist. What you doubt me? ! When have I ever lied to you?! Think about it when was the last time you saw a Roman Catholic with hairy palms? Uh huh. Point made, now go pull a kid’s tooth out and place it under your pillow then send me the cash I’ve got Grad School to finance. Also on the “no can sell” list are condoms, and other methods of birth control. I wonder if Viagra is going be available? Money bet it is. Does anyone know the church’s standing on drug assisted stiffies?


When I heard about the town called Ave Maria and it’s proposed rules I thought to myself surely this morality policing of a town will catch on. I can see it now all over the USA religious themed towns springing up every where. The Jews can build Talmudville and ban the sale of chicken cordon bleu because it violates the kosher food laws. The Muslims erect Adhanland and immediately ban Babe, Charlotte’s Web, Porky Pig, and Piglet from the air waves. In Jehovah Landia all Hallmark Card stores and Party City stores would be banned because those witnesses don’t celebrate jack crap. They store all of their energy up for Sunday’s that’s when they get up extra early to knock on door handing out Watch Tower and Awake! magazines. The Mormons, never mind they already have one. Buddhism City would ban all stores because it is known that the desire for worldly possessions leads to attachment which leads to suffering.

For now the ACLU is keeping a close eye on Ave Maria. According to an interview he gave The Noid Monaghan believes in what he is doing and that’s great. “I believe all of history is just one big battle between good and evil. I don’t want to be on the sidelines.” The only thing that I don’t get is why whenever you disagree with any religion's moral policies they automatically label you as evil?

Labels: politics

Posted by @ 12:21 AM
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