Mia: Shaken Not Stirred
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Wednesday, October 14, 2009A True Story...The Misadventures of Mia and Tiffany
Today’s post is collaboration between me and my partner in crime and highly excitable friend Tiffany. Tiffany recently broke up with her long time boyfriend, quit her job, moved from Virginia to New Jersey and became a nanny to a couple of precocious kids all in the space of a month. You'll be hearing alot about Tiffany, she shares my love of adventure. We have several road trips planned so look for us at a truck stop diner near you!
Tiffany: Last weekend I decided to make a trip back home to VA and visit my family, and pick up my pooch Fatty. I really didn't want to drive alone so I decided to invite Mia along for the trip. I picked Mia up from the NJ Penn Station; I got there early and had to wait forever because Mia gave her father bad directions. I was hounded by several guys for my number, and paying eight dollars for parking my car for ten minutes. When I finally found her we started on the road around 1pm. We made a stop in Delaware, somehow we ended up at a abandoned graveyard (Mia's Idea) so she could get pics.
*Knocks on reader's screen and waves* Hey there people it’s Mia I’m just gonna add my commentary here and there to make sure you get the real story of our road trip. Tiff’s a lil’ prone to exaggeration. First off I didn’t give bad directions and Tiff was not early she actually was running late. The cemetery in Delaware was of historical interest to me, it was an old Negro cemetery. The graves dated as far back as the 1800’s. How could I resist the history?You may continue now Tiffany my wittle puff a wump…
Tiffany: Mia don't call me that! I'm a grown ass woman for goodness sakes!
Mia: Though she protests she really does love it when I call her that.
Tiffany: The road was really small and rough and I was trying very hard to not run over anyone's grave when I reversed my car.
Mia: She only avoided the graves out of fear.
Tiffany: I was trying to be respectful and I didn't want any zombies to come out of their grave like in all the horror flicks and come get me...
Mia: Told ya she was scared.
Tiffany: I left the engine running and got out of the car. Mia had already hopped out and was here and there flashing her $500+ camera. I was so scared and terrified that something was going to come out and get me! On the left of me was this huge crate covered with blue tarp, it was soo creepy. All of a sudden I heard children voices, laughter and singing.
Mia: *snorts* more like the voices in her head. All I heard was Tiffany saying the one with the big boobs always dies first in the movies. Then she glanced down at her chest looked at mine and ran past me so fast she nearly gave herself a concussion when her boobs bounced.
Tiffany: I heard the voices! I really did! I told Mia and she laughed at me while taking pictures, so I ran to the car jumped in and started driving away, leaving her behind.
Mia:She. Left. Me. Behind.
Tiffany: Then I remembered I actually didn't want to leave her behind to get eaten so I stopped the car and let her get in.
Mia: She only went back to get me because my parents could describe her to the cops if I disappeared.
Tiffany: I went back out of love...
We also got locked in the nice graveyard and I had to drive through the gates like a bat out of hell.
Mia: This was another all black cemetery by the way and we did not get locked in. She was fleeing a flock of crows she thought were out to get her. She was so scared of them she refused to leave the car while I stood outside taking photos of them. Her fear made her get all thuggy on me and tried to establish street cred by flashing what appeared to be gang signs (see picture above). She claimed they were shadow puppets. Yeah sure they were.
She was trying to scare off the crows by showing her crip affiliation. The crows were obviously Bloods because they gave her the evil eye and from then on we had flocks of crows tailing us from Delaware to Virginia and then back to Jersey. They attempted to intimidate us by flying close to the car. I was reminded of that Hitchcock flick “The Birds” . At one point as I stared into the eye of a flying crow I had to ask Tiff, “What the hell did you do to these crows?” When we arrived at her house they were five crows waiting for us by her house. That was creepy.
Tiffany: I am not gang affiliated; those really were shadow puppets...
Mia: Sure they were. I know gang signs when I see them woman, I watch BET!
Tiffany: Then Mia chased Fatty into the corn field; I got out of the safety of my car and glanced around…
Mia: This was when we got back to Jersey by the way. We were in the bowels of Jersey so deep in there that even the natives are unaware of this small town. Her damn dust mop of a dog decided to run out of the house and down the road. Mind you the dog had never been to Jersey so I had no idea where the heck he thought he was going! And I’d never been there before so naturally it fell on me to try and catch him. *rolls eyes* Anyway so Fatty the dog aka the dust mop ran into a cornfield people. I kept having flashbacks to children of the corn.
Tiffany: He's not a dust mop! He's a very nice and properly groomed dog! "Mia!" I screamed "Where are you?" I walked into the corn field and screamed some more. I couldn't hear a thing; there was nothing except complete silence. I heard a rustle behind me and ran into a scarecrow. Its eyes were glowing red.
Mia: Forgive her please it was a long drive and we’d just kidnapped the dog from her ex.
Did she mention that we’d crossed several state lines so that she could kidnap the dog from her ex boyfriend? I was an accomplice to a crime and didn’t even know it until we were on the road back home!
Okay back to the story…. Tiffany has a wild imagination. The scare crow’s eyes did not glow they may have glittered a tad ala Stephanie Meyer’s stripper vampire but they did not glow.
Tiffany: Those eyes were glowing red! I know when I see a damn demon possessed scarecrow! "She's one of us" It said I backed up and ran into a little kid who repeated what the scarecrow said.
Mia: I didn’t see a kid ‘cept the little girl we had in the back seat. Actually the real story is something else. The dog is running away from us as if we were threatening to grind him into sausage and I’m running behind him waving dog food in the air. Mind you this is happening in what has got to be the whitest neighborhood in the USA!
So anyway there I am a golden skinned “some kind of minority” female chasing after a dog while a young and lovely African American woman is driving slowly down a country road with a little white girl in the back seat. We looked like a crime in progress! People were peeking at us from behind their curtains as I sprinted across their property. I heard one of them snickering as I ran past his front lawn which only irked me even more.
At one point while I’m running it hit me… I’ve got to go on a diet and I need to work out more. That damned dust mop on four legs was running me ragged. Oh and where was Tiffany you may ask? She was still in her car driving slowly down the side of the road calling out the stupid dog’s name. The dog refused to come to Tiff and at one point Tiff actually contemplated clipping the dog with her car! I forbid her to do that and instead yelled out, “Throw on your high beams let’s blind him!” Don’t judge me people I was getting desperate. Heck I was cussing at the dog in Spanish, English and Arabic! If I’d known sign language my hands would’ve been flying too!
Then these three teens came by on their bikes. I was like oh thank God our knights on shining Huffy’s have arrived! Tiffany yelled out to them “I’ll pay you $15.00 a piece if you catch that dog!” They ignored her. Somehow the sight of me working up a heart attack appealed to them more than the money. I glared over my shoulder at them and laid a gypsy curse on them in Spanish. Let’s just say it involves spontaneous combustion in the neither regions.
Eventually I caught the dust mop when Tiffany drove back to the house to get the female dog in hopes of luring the bastard with the promise of sex. I think the dog was mad at Tiffany because once she drove off he allowed me to approach him.
*takes a deep breath* so yeah I caught the dog…take it from here Tiff I need some water…
*hands Mia a glass of water*
Tiffany: I flew past Mia a couple of times because these stupid Crows were chasing my car and Mia was covered in my dog's moist food. Mind you this is the gourmet stuff.
Mia: Says you. Which reminds me Tiff I still can’t get that funky smell out of my leather bag.
Tiffany: I slid my car to the side like in the fast and furious and pushed open the door and Mia dived into the car with my baby Fatty Boi Jr. Martell-Murray. He smelled a little funky but he was fine. I think Mia had beat him up a little because he had a suspicious looking black eye and was missing a patch of his lovely well groomed fur. Mia was sitting in the passenger seat as I drove back to the house cursing in 500 different languages and the little girl in the back seat was repeating every single one. She’s only five!
Mia:*smirks* Hey her mom wants her to be multi-lingual and I didn’t lay a hand on the dust mop. Notice he let me pick him up after YOU left.
Tiffany: I guess he took those threats to clip him with the car to heart...
When my employer finally got back, Mia and I run to the car so I can get her back. Her dad was so worried about wittle bittie Mia. I barely made it out of the neighborhood when the road became filled with squirrels. I slowed down the car to let them pass. I did it for Mia because otherwise I would of ran them over, stopped, reversed, and ran them over again.
Mia: unlike some people I’m no squirrel killer. Tiffany managed to slaughter three squirrels down the road from her house in less than a week before moving out here. So the squirrel murders had been weighing heavy on her mind. Which explains the next part… but yes, there actually were several squirrels in the road.
Tiffany: I got this bad feeling in the pit of my stomach so I pulled out a snicker's bar and started chomping away while waiting for the road to clear. Suddenly these squirrels dressed like secret service dropped down on the hood of my car. One of the squirrels whipped out an important looking document and started reading me my rights. I'm looking terrified because first of all I know I'm going down because of all the mass squirrel murdering I have done. I wanted to hit the gas and take some more out but Mia is in the passenger seat begging me to wait til she can get a few pics.
Mia: *shrugs* I am first and foremost a photographer what can I say?
Tiffany: The squirrels talk Tiffany!" Mia yelled.
Mia: "Tiffany is nuts!" is more what I actually said.
Tiffany: I think Mia can be a little crazy at time but I wuv my wittle bitty twinkle toe princess Mia. I had to sit through fifteen minutes of Mia taking pics and the squirrels posing until I had had enough. I hit the gas and raised my head count to an easy 350. I could hear more squirrels screaming in anguish as I took out generations in less than ten seconds. I can say I am very proud of myself.
Mia:*narrows eyes and shakes head* I have no clue as to why I hang out with her people.
So I got Mia back to the station safe and sound, but those damn crows are still sitting on a tree branch outside of my window, watching, me studying me and it's all Mia's fault.
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