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He Sure Has Great Taste In Women!
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Thursday, May 22, 2008Is It Because I Look Mexican?
My mom’s father grandpa Raymond had taken his dog “Ralph” out for a walk with my brother Steven when he was stopped by the police. The young officer stepped out his patrol car and swaggered over to where my grandfather was standing.
--Excuse me sir?
-Yes officer how can I help you?
--Do you speak English?
My grandfather tightened his grip on Ralph’s leash and took a step towards the cop.
-Didn’t I just answer you in English?
--Sir I need to see your ID.
The officer arched his eyebrows at my grandfather and looked towards his partner who had just stepped out of the patrol car and was walking over towards them. My brother put his body protectively in front of grandpa not fully trusting the officer with our grandfather. Grandpa placed his hand on Steven’s shoulder and told him to step back. Given our police departments history with minorities lately he didn’t trust the officer around my brother either.
--Sir your ID please. I need to see it.
-Why? Is it because I look Mexican? I’m not an illegal Mexican I’m Puerto Rican. I’m a legal citizen.
---Abuelo (grandfather) you don’t look Mexican!
--Yeah to you but you know how it is with white cops all big headed Hispanics look Mexican to them. Thank god you didn’t inherit my melon otherwise you’d been deported at birth.
The cop smiled he obviously found grandpa amusing but he had a job to do so the smile was short lived.
--No sir it’s not because you look Mexican. It’s because of your dog.
Grandpa looked at my brother as he pulled out his wallet and handed the officer his ID as well as Ralph’s license.
-See Stevie, he isn’t denying I look Mexican.
The officer checked the ID and looked at my grandfather.
--What’s this about officer?
--Your dog sir, it took a dump over there and I’m going to have to give you a ticket.
Grandpa looked at the officer and then looked at the spot where the officer claimed Ralph had done his business.
-Officer my dog hasn’t done his deed yet.
--Mr. Quills I was watching your dog for awhile. I witnessed your dog squatting over there just now. He took a dump.
-It’s Quiles (key-less) not quills and my dog just took a leak not a dump.
Grandpa waved the empty poo bag several feet away from the cop’s face.
-If he had done his business I’d have put it in this bag. That’s why I have it; I clean up after my dog.
--I saw your dog squat sir.
-Look officer I don’t like to advertise this because my dog has a reputation to protect with the other dogs in the neighborhood and you know how judgmental those pit bulls can be, especially about St. Bernards. My dog squats when he pees, he’s gay. He thinks he’s a girl.
The cop’s partner chuckled he was obviously enjoying himself.
-Officer the poo in question is so old and dehydrated it’s practically dust. You’ve been watching me since I got here true?
The officer nodded his head.
-Well then you must realize that if my dog had taken that poo the poo should be fresh and moist. Why don’t we go take a look at the poo?
My brother laughed wondering how many more times grandpa could work the word poo into a conversation without cracking up.
--Sir we don’t have time for this.
-Sure you do. I’m retired and you get paid by the hour. Let’s go take a look.
Reluctantly the cops walked over to the poo with my grandfather.
-See it’s all dried up and look at the size of it come on that’s like Chihuahua poo. Look at the size of my dog he’s over 100 lbs. The beast craps like a horse. My dog didn’t do that.
The other officer took a look at the poo and shook his head.
---Chris I hate to admit it but he’s right. No way that came from his dog. It’s been there for awhile.
--Fine Mr.Quiles you win. I’ll let you off this time but next time clean it up.
-Let me off? My dog didn’t do it so how are you letting me off?
--Next time clean it Mr. Quiles.
Grandpa waved his bag in the air again.
- Look officer I'm not carrying this bag around in hopes of catching a last minute sale. I carry this for a reason and if my dog had done it I would’ve cleaned it without having to be told.
As my grandfather and brother walked away the other officer called out to him….
---Hey Mr. Quiles before you retired were you a lawyer?
-No worse than that I was a single father who raised a couple of smart ass kids.
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