Mia: Shaken Not Stirred


The true life stories of a NYC female.

Monday, September 18, 2006

The incredible shrinking grandma


My mother has become the vitamin Nazi. We always forget to take them. It’s not like when we were kids when vitamins came in the shape of the Flintstones and were chewable. Now we’ve moved on to these huge pills with omega this, ribo reebo whatchama call it that and complex Bx12.5 It would be easier to remember to take them if they tasted like a mojito or something but noooo. They taste like that lamp post on Miller Ave. your cousin dared you to lick on a freezing cold day when you were 7 years old. What ? Surely I can’t be the only one who ever did that ?! I mean damn we can walk on the moon but we can’t make a vitamin that tastes like a mojito? Come on people!

Mom is worried about my future health, Osteoporosis in particular. It seems my 58 yr old grandmother is shrinking; she'd developed post menopausual osteoporosis. The woman almost killed us during menopause. She’d run the air conditioner in the dead of winter because of her hot flashes... There were times when it was actually warmer outside than it was inside of my grandma’s place meanwhile my grandmother is parading around the house in a summer outfit as if it were 93 degrees in her house. I even got bronchitis a couple of times.

The incredible shrinking grandma was never tall to begin with. In her pre-shrinking days she was 4ft 11 and now she’s like 4ft 9. If this keeps up she’ll be Polly Pocket sized by the time she’s in her 70’s. It’s not obvious to everyone that there’s less of my grandma these days because of her high heels. Other than my grandfather and her doctor no one ever sees her without her high heels. My grandmother was born wearing stilettos, no joke. She came out of the birth canal sporting a pair of black stilettos, a cigarette skirt and tight sweater. Oh yeah and those bras that make your boobs so pointy they can poke you and make you bleed. Yes people back in her day my grandma was a hottie. She was the chick whose bad girl beauty inspired men to tattoo her name on their bodies. She was “bad girl” cool and sexy before people were even aware a woman could be both without being a slut. She always wore her jet black hair really short in what was called back then the pixie look while everyone else was wearing it long or in a beehive. She was never really one for make up her beauty was natural. Her entire makeup scheme consisted of eyes brows tweezed and plucked to perfection and a tube of neutral lipstick. The woman was and will forever be smokin’, she is still complemented on her beauty.

Until she took a yoga class as part of her course load in college I had never seen my grandma out of her high heels and had never realized how small she was. Okay I am no giant myself I’m 4ft 11 as well but for some reason my grandmother seemed bigger. But then again this woman has been an incredible role model. At the age of 35 she went back to high school and got her GED and while in her 40's went to college and got her Masters in social work. Go grandma! Even she were to shrink a couple of more inches in my mind she is still 6ft tall.

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