Mia: Shaken Not Stirred

The true life stories of a NYC female.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Blondie Van Buffy

I was running an errand for a friend today before class trying to order some stuff he was unable to locate around his way. The manager was in a meeting and I was instructed to take a seat until he was done. The young woman behind the desk kept staring at me like I had a second head. I guess I didn’t fit the typical chi chi clientele that usually frequented this place. Her salon fresh styled hair was dyed a honey blonde with some platinum highlights. She had one of those tanning bed tans and her make up looked as if it had taken at least an hour to spray paint on. Her bling would’ve put a rapper to shame. Me? Well the tan was natural…. no make up, simple silver hoop earrings…my t-shirt sleeves were short enough to make the tattoos on both of my arms completely visible. My curls were slicked back into a pony tail… trust me you don’t inflict curls like mine on the unsuspecting public on a humid day especially when the sky looks pregnant with rain. No uh… you just can’t do it. Blondie Van Buffy as I nicknamed her kept looking at me as I was a piece of gum or worse stuck to the bottom of her Manolo Blahnik’s.

I stared back at her giving her my patented Nuyorican chick from the Bronx fake ass smile complete with the “screw you heffa” thought bubble over my head. She walked over to me and said, “Umm Miss what is it exactly that you’re looking for?” I showed her what I was looking for and with the only condescending attitude said “Well you know that you will have to pay for those don’t you?” “Yes m’am I do.” If you ever want to piss anybody slightly over 30 off call them m’am or sir…they take it as a sign of being old. She sighed and said, “Do you have the money for this? It can be expensive.” That’s when the smart ass in me took over, never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line and never ever get smart with a Boricua,you’re going to lose every time. “Are you serious, expensive? How expensive? Do you think I can pay off the debt by doing chores around here? Is it very very expensive Miss? Because I have a gallon jug of pennies I could break open.” The gentleman sitting next to me let out a laugh.

She sucked her teeth and rolled her eyes at me and as she walked off in a huff I heard her mutter under her breath, “fuckin’ spic” At first I wasn’t sure that I had heard right but the look on the mans face told me all I needed to know… I walked up to her desk and said, “ummm excuse me m’am don’t play yourself with me. I know as many derogatory names for you as you know for me. Do we really want to go there? Let’s not because that’s an ugly thing and God don’t like fugly.”
It had become painfully obvious to me that Blondie Van Buffy and I were never going to be friends… we would never share a cup of coffee… never go shopping together…never experience the joys of a mosh pit side by bouncing side. Blondie Van Buffy would never hold my hand as I got my latest tattoo… Dearest God, Merciful Allah, Sweet Baby Jesus in heaven why must fate be so cruel? I had so many plans for Blondie Van Buffy and myself. I was devastated…I was crushed…well not really.

I made my way back to my seat. At that moment someone of importance walked in. I assume he was important because of the way she rushed towards him. She was tottering on heels way too high and then karma bitched slapped her. Blondie Van Buffy slipped! Her ass flew up in the air and BOOM she landed flat on her back! I stifled my laughter and rushed towards her, “lady are you ok?” She nodded her head, Blondie Van Buffy’s face was beet red, and her dress was askew revealing her underwear. One shoe was still on her foot and the other had landed under one of the chairs.

I had to leave because even though I was trying to be the better person I'm not a saint... I felt the laughter just wanting to escape...gotta love that Karma.


Posted by @ 12:23 AM
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