Mia: Shaken Not Stirred

The true life stories of a NYC female.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

The Texan's Tale

Every now and then you come across a story so fantastic it’s hard to believe it’s true. This is one of them, a story so rich in imagery that it’s best told in a bar with music playing in the background and an ice cold corona in front of you. The owner of this story swears to all that is holy and semi-sacred that it’s true.

Many, many, many years ago when our troops were fighting in the jungles of an unpopular war a tall good looking man from Texas barely 20 years old went over to Mexico with a couple of friends for a night of drinking . They ended up in a bar in a little town not too far from Tijuana. The tall Texan caught the eye of one of the waitresses in the bar and when her shift was over she stayed on to talk with him. Even though she was a little older than him the Texan swore to his audience that she had been the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Everything was going well until her husband’s arrival.

The man came in mad as hell and stomped towards the bar. The bartender quickly pointed him in the direction of his wife and the Texan who were making their way back to their table from the dance floor. The angry husband immediately stepped in between the woman and the Texan and started yelling at his wife. At first the Texan couldn’t believe what he was seeing. He thought it was the effects of the liquor. The Texan estimated the angry husband to be around 4ft 6 inches tall. The husband shoved his hands into his pockets as he yelled at his wife causing his jacket to expose the leather belt he wore. The belt had 8 visible holsters and each of those holsters held a dagger. The Texan was sure that the belt held a few more holsters behind the midget’s back.

The Texan’s friends quickly gathered around him pulling him towards the door while the midget’s wife tried to cajole her husband towards the back.The Texan tried to calm the husband explaining in his gringo accented Spanish that there was nothing going on and invited the man to join them for a drink However the more the Texan spoke the angrier the midget got. As he watched the midget put his pudgy little hand on the handle of one of the daggers the idea that the midget might be part of knife throwing act in a local circus crossed the Texan’s mind. He barely had time to process the thought when the jealous husband flew at the Texan with a dagger in each hand. He slashed the Texan across his forearms and stomach. He lunged at the Texan and stabbed him in each thigh leaving a dagger stuck in one. When the Texan stepped back to pull out the dagger the midget came at him again with another. The Texan swore that the midget was aiming for his manhood.

As the Texan and his friends ran towards the door he heard the clatter of a dagger landing on the floor behind him. The midget was actually throwing daggers at the Texan. He had almost made it to his car when he felt a dagger dig into his calf. He stopped and turned around in disbelief. His friends already in the running car opened the passenger door and yelled at him to get in. As he jumped into the car a dagger flew by the Texan embedding itself in the passenger seat. The Texan then reached under the seat and pulled out a gun and began firing at the midget’s feet. When he realized he was being shot at the midget stopped dead in his tracks, he had run out of daggers and obviously hadn’t anticipated the possibility of a gun. The Texan squeezed off a couple of more shots as the car sped off into the night making its way towards the border.

When he was done telling his story everyone laughed. The Texan insisted that it had never been his intention to hurt the little guy he just wanted to put the fear of Jesus in the midget’s ass. The idea of a dagger throwing Mexican midget cracked every body up but no one really believed the story. They all thought it was the tall tale of a restaurant owner entertaining his guests at the bar until their table was ready. No one believed him until the Texan rolled up his sleeves and pulled up his shirt. His forearms, lower chest, and abdomen were covered with scars that looked like slash marks. He raised his pants leg and flashed the stab mark on his calf. “What happened to the midget and his wife?” the audience asked.“ I married her after she left him.” he said and he pointed to the beautiful older woman behind the cash register talking with customers.

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