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Sunday, August 12, 2007I hate scented candles.
Okay kids listen up next time your mother / room mate/ significant other tells you that cleaning up your room won’t hurt you, you have my permission to print this story up and wave it under their noses....
I’d just finished packing for a weekend trip I was taking when I decided to clean my room. I don’t know why the room wasn’t dirty I’d just cleaned a couple of days before but thanks to the construction work being done across the street my room looked like it hadn’t been dusted in weeks and you know how it is you do one thing and it leads to another. After dusting, vacuuming, mopping, changing my bed linen, cleaning the air conditioner vents with a q-tip, and washing the air conditioner filer I went in search of a long match to light one of my scented candles. I located the matches in the dining room and had just lit the candle when I noticed a long piece of the match had burnt off and was now inside of the glass jar. I tried shaking the thing out but it had embedded itself in the melting wax and was giving off a burnt wood smell. It was driving me crazy that piece of wooden match in my candle.
I picked up the candle and crooked my pinky finger hoping to catch the offending match with my nail. Slowly I slid the match up the jar using my nail. As it got to the rim I pulled my arm up a little bending it at the elbow pulling up. That’s when it happened I felt a pain so sharp it made me yell out. I nearly dropped the candle. The pain shot through my the base of my neck and made its way down to my left butt cheek. I saw lots of popping white hot flashes. Oh man this was bad. I thought I saw Jesus Christ run by in his Fruit of The Looms briefs..the pain was that bad.It felt like a spasm. I couldn’t move. Hell it was a spasm. My butt cheek was bouncing and flexing on its own. The pain shot into my lower back specifically into my tail bone area. I felt as if my legs couldn't support my weight. As my legs buckled under me I held onto the dining room chair.My mother ran over to me and supported me as walked to my room, “you probably pulled something.” she said. Now how the hell is it possible to pull something while dragging something out of a candle with your pinky? I can twist and turn on the dance floor and nothing yet I try to pull a match out of a candle and get all twisted out? WTF kind of crap is that?!
Inside my room I tried "manning up" and working the pain out...ummm big mistake it just made it worse. I sat down for a couple of minutes waiting for the pain to pass. When I tried to get up I found that I couldn’t. It seemed my legs were having an argument with my brain. My brain gave the order to move and my legs responded with, Oh hell no we won’t go!” and to make sure that the rest of me got the message a blinding pain shot through my body. I waited a bit and then tried again this time I was able to move but not without yelling, “shit shit freaking shit” and looking like I was handicapped. Whatever it was I pinched had pretty much affected the lower left side of my body. Needless to say my weekend trip was cancelled. I’ve spent it pretty much high as a kite thanks to some pain killers. Whatever it was I pinched it’s still pinched and I’m walking like Frankenstein. I hate scented candles. I swear this kind of stuff only happens to me.
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