Sunday, April 09, 2006

Public Service Message


One of my friends emailed me some photos of female celebs in embarrassing wardrobe situations. The thing is if these heffas used some common sense and wore under garments they wouldn’t be caught out there like that. It’s become apparent to me that some women need to be reminded of the obvious…. throw on some drawers before you leave your house ladies!

See my mom raised me right, you know make sure you have decent and matching under garments on just in case you get into an accident and have to go to the hospital. I always loved the logic of this like the staff of the hospital is going to be checking to see if I have clean drawers on before giving me medical treatment. I can just imagine it, “No, no Dr. Bombay that girl cannot be admitted into this hospital; she’s wearing Pink Tuesday panties with a purple bra and today is Wednesday!!” Oh yeah and another thing unless you’re a stripper or a nude model being paid for your talent and on duty your lovely lady lumps are supposed to be kept “indoors” at all times.

Last week at some kid’s award show Lindsay Lohan ran up on stage in some hideous flouncy dress and it bounced too much revealing her no under wearing droopy butt. WTF? This was a kid’s show some of those kids may be scarred for life. Then there’s Lizzie Gruber while being carried by Hulk Hogan for some photos at a media event managed to make me want to take up smoking just so I could use the burning cigarettes to burn my eyes out. Mariah Carey while trying to get out of a car in a super short spandex dress exposed her cootchie to the world. The woman had no drawers on …why Mimi why? You make good $$ can’t you afford some undies? What kind of ghetto diva are you?

First thing a chick from the hood learns when she’s just a hatchling is to always wear undies and ALWAYS wear shorts under your skirts/dresses. We do not want to risk the chance of showing our goodies in case a fight breaks out or some guy looking up our skirt. Shoo man I learned that when I was 5 and caught Reynaldo looking up my dress while I was climbing up the jungle gym. All he got to see was a glimpse of my pink spandex bicycle shorts and my dad turning red as he reprimanded Reynaldo for his rudeness.

The second thing you learn as a hatchling is that when you’re getting out of a car you must slideee across the seat with one hand holding onto your skirt and your legs closed so tight the jaws of life are needed to pry them open. This way you won’t be exposing yourself. Oh yeah and say if you’re a 5 year old hatchling and visiting your grandma’s grave on a windy Sunday afternoon wearing a pouffy dress with those plastic hoops sewn into them make sure you hold onto your dress lest a strong gust of wind come up from behind and under your dress sending you toppling over with your dress over your head exposing your ruffled underwear. I assure you your dad will stop to take photos of you in that position and they will be shown at every family occasion when the photo albums are whipped out.

As a public service message to clueless celebs and aspiring ghetto goddesses I am offering some basic advice because as spring turns into summer some women need help…plus I don’t want to be exposed to celeb private parts unless I’m at the movies and their part of the plot somehow…


Stand topless in front of a mirror and do the boob test. Place a pencil under your breast; now stand up straight, shoulders out. If the pencil is still being held in place by your breast guess what honey YOU NEED A BRA, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO LEAVE YOUR HOUSE WITHOUT WEARING ONE…EVER!! If you can hold a stapler, cans of soups, notebooks, your cell phone charger, hell your cell phone in place under your boob YOU MUST NEVER EVEN ATTEMPT TO ANSWER THE PHONE WITHOUT A BRA ON.

I’d suggest in investing in one of those 1001 bras that can be worn under tank tops, tube tops, strapless dresses, halter tops and regular shirts.I personally recommend Bare Necessities There stuff is so comfortable and when you don’t have Victoria’s Secret money they are just as good.

Now if you’re going to ignore my good advice you’re going to need to avoid wardrobe malfunctions. This is especially for you Tara Reid, Kiera Knightley, and Rachel Mc Adams. I suggest you invest $ 10.00 in a bottle of It Stays! body adhesive. This is the best stuff ever invented for tube tops; halter tops anything along those lines. I use it when I wear tube tops or anything with straps that slide off. You just roll it onto your skin and viola you’re safe! Your clothing is stuck to your skin no accidents are going to happen even if you raise your arms, dance all night . It’s better than double sided sticky tape. Oh yeah and you can use for those shoe straps that keep sliding off your ankles too or for sticking jewels onto your body and when wearing thigh high stockings it keeps them from rolling down if you’re not into wearing garter belts.



For those who insist on going braless under really sheer clothing like Hillary Swank and Brooke Shields for the love of God invest in some pasties they’re not expensive and adhere to the skin covering up your areola so it wont show under any sheer clothing. They are also great for covering up your nipple rings so they won’t show through your bra when you’re wearing a thin shirt. Don’t ask how I know this, I plead the 5th. A company called Low Beam sells 5 prs for 10 bucks. Actually Her Look Enterprises the maker of Lowbeams makes a lot of products I’d recommend give their site a visit.


Hate the appearance of panty lines under your clothing but want to avoid exposing your cootchie and butt to camera lenses? Then you just gotta invest in some Lovepats they are really sheer, light weight and seamless. They are also made with spandex so the panty stretches, hugs and contours your body and gives you support if you need it. I’ve worn them with the tightest of jeans, clingiest of pants and skirts and am happy to report I've never had even the tiniest hint of a pantly line. Then there’s commando underwear made by the same people that make lowbeams and their stuff is great too it’s a little bit more but it’s worth it as well. I love them, especially their boy shorts styles.

So there ya have it the basic under garment essentials … I know the guys are going to hate me for this but come on sisters let’s show some respect for ourselves. Less is more.

Labels: advice

Posted by @ 12:25 PM
6 comment from:  TotallyHappened,  Unknown,  Aisha,  Emory Mayne,  Lasto-adri *Blue*,  Mia,