Thursday, March 30, 2006

Of purses and heart attacks



Ever since I can recall my mom has been saying that I’m going to give her a heart attack. However yesterday I was certain I had finally done it, I swore I had managed to bring on that heart attack that’s been brewing for 23 yrs and in a 2- for-1 deal my Aunt Nora was getting one too.

I was standing in the dining room transferring my school books from my knapsack into my messenger bag when an idea popped into my head and I took yet another tentative step into the world of women. I had been thinking about some stuff I need for spring… you know along the lines of white sneakers, a new denim jacket…when it hit me…

Mia: Ma you know what? It’s about time I buy some bags. I’m going to head out to Canal next week and pick a few up.

Mom: Don’t you have enough book bags and messenger bags?

(without a doubt I am the Imelda Marcos of knapsacks and messenger bags.)

Mia: Na ma I want a purse.

Mom: What? Una cartera? A purse? Like in a woman’s purse?

Mia: Yeah like a Fendi, or a Gucci bag, well not the real thing because I’m not paying those ridiculous prices and I’m not Paris Hilton. I’ll head out to Canal and get those coco canal bags.

Mom: Are you serious you’re getting a real purse?!!!

Mia: Yea ma yesterday with all that running around from office to office in school stuff kept falling out of my knapsack every time I had to pull out a paper. I almost lost my lipstick like three times.

Mom: Lipstick? You own lipstick? Lipstick with color, not sheer lip gloss? Don’t play with my emotions Mia! Don’t tell me you got lipstick and then have it turn out to be Bonnie Bell sheer lip tint.

Mia: Ma it’s a real lipstick a nice mauve jammy. I picked it up on Saturday.

(I pulled out the lipstick that was in the front pocket of my messenger bag, twisting it up so she could see the color)


Mom: Lipstick and a purse…wow… the apocalypse is truly upon us. Oh God I feel dizzy, my chest hurts.


Mia:Ma look I brought a woman’s wallet.

I take out my new ladies wallet, turning it around to show her all the different compartments. I’ve always preferred using men’s billfolds because they are so flat and can be slipped in the pocket of my jeans or jacket when I am not carrying a knapsack

Mom: Wow! It’s a woman’s wallet! (laughing and holding her chest )Oh my God I can’t feel my arm. It’s the big one!!! Pass me the phone.

(I shook my head she was speed dialing my aunt Nora, I knew I was in for it now)

Mom: Hello my darling!

Nora: Hey my poopsie face, love of my life! Waddup home girl?

Mom: Nora! The baby has a tube of lipstick, a ladies wallet and is planning on buying some carteras (purse)!

Nora: Praise be to Allah! Why didn’t you warn me to sit down Mags? My knees feel weak! (imitating her favorite George Lopez routine )Oh oh my shest hurt and I can’t breef! Call 9-1-1!

Mia: You guys are so wrong. You know this right? So, so wrong.
(I continued to pack my stuff up as mom raised the volume on the speaker phone)

Nora: Awwww Mags our baby is growing up inshallah she’s becoming a woman. Where is my little baby girl who only yesterday was using my tubes of lipstick to draw clown faces on my brother-in-law.

Mia: It was yesterday.

Mom: Shhhh insolent child your titi and I are having a moment.

Nora: Mags stay on the line I’m gonna call The Woman to tell her this. She’s going to love it.

(Oh God, no, no, no they are not going to let this go. The Woman is the nickname my mom gave to aunt Nora’s mom my aunt Lila when I was a little kid and it has stuck to her like glue. Everyone calls aunt Lila The Woman.)
Lila: Hello?

Nora: Woman, Mags and Mia are on the other line.


Lila: Oh great I needed to talk to Mags about the wedding. Hey Mags, how are ya sweetie!

Mom: I am fine woman waddup with you chica?

Lila: Going crazy with this wedding but we’ll talk on that later I need your help …Hey my darling Mia how’s school baby?

Mia: Everything is great aunt Lila ma and Nora are messing with me. Tell them something.

Mom and Nora: ((in unison)) something.

Lila: What’s going on?

Nora: Woman! The baby just revealed she owns a tube of lipstick, a ladies wallet and wants to buy some purses.

(I have no idea why they insist on calling me “the baby” when I’m actually the oldest.)

Lila: Seriously?

Mom and Nora: Yes!

Lila: Don’t play games with me ladies. Mia does this mean I can get you to wear a dress and full make up for Joe’s wedding?

Mia: Makeup maybe. Hell no to the dress Mahmoud wants me to belly dance so I’m wearing pants, no heels.

Lila: You want me to take you shopping for bags honey?

Mia: No thank you I’m straight. I’m going to go to Canal Street next week.

Mom: She’s going to Canal shopping for purses, be still my foolish heart!

Nora: Oy I get so emotional. I think I may need a valium Mags this is just too much for me. Wait until Hassan calls me during lunch! His Arab ass is gonna faint.

Lila: Oh wait until we tell Joe and Rhonda! They are going to run to the mosque to announce it.

( my mother by this time is laughing so hard she’s turned a lovely shade of red. I’m laughing as well because in this house it’s hard not to laugh. Ma starts saying her chest hurts (shes recovering from a bad chest cold)… oh crap I finally managed to give her that heart attack ! She’s going to laugh herself to death and my dad is going to kill me when he comes home and finds out ma had a heart attack because of me. I can hear them laughing on the phone as well mom is making some joke I cant make out because she’s laughing so hard. )

Mia: You guys are so wrong….I gotta bounce... love you…

Mom: Awwwww baby (wiping tears away from her eyes and reaches out to hug me)

Nora: Aww my wittle Mia we tease you because we love you pookie lips…

Lila: Yes we do honey

Mia: Yeah yeah Shukran ladies..I’m outta here


It was time for me to leave for school and I left those crazy women plotting amongst themselves. Welcome to my life where even the smallest of things become comedic fodder for my family imcluding purses and heart attacks.

Labels: about me

Posted by @ 3:41 PM
6 comment from:  Just Jane,  TotallyHappened,  Aisha,  Emory Mayne,  Mr. Khurram,  Mia,