Monday, August 22, 2005

Two Whores, The Prude and Mia...

I was hanging out with friends earlier today, and one of them brought up a post I did on Saturday. It was the one about the whoriest whore who ever whored. My other friend who hadn’t read the post (too busy whoring I guess) was shocked that I’d written a piece on my whoring friends. “It wasn’t a piece just a few sentences and it was in conjunction with an article I read.”, I explained. What followed was one of the funniest conversations that we’ve had in awhile. I usually don’t hide anyone’s identity in my posts but it has come to my attention that one of my whorish friends significant other reads my blog. Henceforth they will be referred to as Whore A, Whore B, and The Prude.

Whore A: So Mia all your friends are whores? How could you even say that?!

Mia: Not all my friends are whores. Jackie is the exception. Oh and The Prude here.

Whore A: You’re saying I’m a whore?

Mia: If the dildo fits you must admit! Oh god man you know you’re a whore we’ve discussed this before! You’re an undercover whore.

The Prude: Undercover?

Mia: Meaning that no one would ever suspect she’s a whore. She’s like superman and his alter ego Clark Kent. By day a mild manner chick but when the sun goes down and a man approaches oooooh watcha!

Whore A: You are so wrong.

Mia: That may be true but I speaketh the truth. Okay okay you’re now a whore in denial. Tell you what I’m going do. I’m going to lay out some scenarios and you tell me whore or virginal. Ready?

Whore A: Ok.

Whore B: I’m down.

The Prude: This should be fun.

Whore A: Yeah take notes you might learn something!

Mia: Imagine this you’re on a blind date 1 hr after the guy picks you up you’re giving him heady moe in the front seat of his car on a deserted side street in the industrial section of The North East Bronx.

Whore B: Whore!
The Prude: Dirty whore definitely.

Whore A: Hee hee that was me.

Mia: Whorish incident number two. I invite you over to hook you up with my ex boyfriend “P” because you’ve got a thing for him . When you arrive "P” is there with another male friend of mines whom you never met before, and who in my opinion is too old for either of us to date. You totally ignore "P" and proceed to dry hump and play tongue hockey with the older dude."P" winds up leaving after you had asked me to invite him! After dinner I excuse myself to do the dishes and when I come back into my living room you and the older friend have my pillow on your lap. I don’t know what was going on there but that pillow was moving. Both you and his hands were under the pillow. And unless one of you was The Amazing Kreskin there was no reason for that pillow to jump around like that.

The Prude: Mega whore!

A: Oh shit!

B: Friggin’ whore!

A: I forgot about that. That was me too!

Mia: Mocks Whore A “Oh shit”… I threw the pillow out by the way. It was my favorite pillow. After I pulled you to the side and told you to chill out with the older dude you locked yourself in my bathroom with the dude. Hello I had to practically knock the door down to prevent you guys from boning in my parents bathroom.

Mia: And now for whorish incident numba tree. Ahhhh the time we had that party when the whore in question’s mom went out of town and the obese purple thong wearing so called virgin yet whorish hopeful interrupted the whore and the high school senior mid hump in the bathroom. What is it about bathroom fixtures that get you amped?

The Prude: Whory whore… that was you again A?

Whore B: Whore of all whores!

Whore A: Oh shit you’re right, I am a whore.

Mia: No my dear you’re an undercover whore .You hide your whorish ways oh so well. Plus you swallow! So hold your whore head up high and be proud of your whorish ways! Not many whores can swallow and not gag. You are the stuff whorey dreams are made of my whorish amiga.

Whore B: Okay so what about me? How am I a whore (laughing hysterically)

Whore A: We don’t have time to list all your shit. We’ll be here all day!

Mia: Okay well you’re what I call a greedy whore.

The Prude: Greedy?

Mia: Yup because she’s bisexual, the whore is never lonely. Men, women, small woodland creatures no one is safe when this puta is around.

At this point they’re all giggling like, well like whores.

Whore B: So what are my whorish scenarios?

Mia: Whatcha want male or female?

Whore B: Hit me with a little of both.

The Prude: Both? What the fuck?

Whore A: Didn’t Mia just tell you B is the greedy whore? I’m telling you bitch take notes!

The Prude: Ohhhhhhhhh man okay I got you.

Mia: Last summer we went to C’s coming out the closet party. There had to be around 20 hardcore lesbians there, lipstick and dykes. They weren’t skimping on the lesbians.

The Prude: Uh huh…

Whore A: What ?

Mia: I shall repeat for those who were too engrossed looking at pizza guy’s ass.
C came out the closet and this crew she hangs out with threw a slumber party to celebrate. C was there with her first official girlfriend.

Whore A: Why wasn’t I invited?

Whore B: That’s when you were hooked up with M we didn’t see you back then.

Whore A: Oh okay wasted a whole year on that asshole.

Mia: No, no, no! The man bashing conversation comes later. We’re on the whorish one now. Focus, girl focus!

Whore A: Stupid.

Mia: That may be true but at least I’m not a whore.

Whore B: You are so wrong…. Ha ha!!

The Prude : Come on back to the story!!

Mia: Impatient little woman aren’t we? Anyway so we get there and it’s like a GLADD convention there.

Whore A: Wait what were you doing there?

Mia: C invited me since I was the first one she came out to. I was there for moral support.

Whore A: Oh that’s sweet.

Mia: Oh niggette please like we all didn’t know back in high school that C was gay don’t act so surprised.

The Prude: That’s true we all were waiting for her to tell us !

Mia: Anyway so we get to the jam and it turns out I’m the only straight chick there.

Whore A: Ha ha!! Didn’t that happen to you before at that little club?

Mia: Um hmm I guess they can sense that in my family you shake a tree and a lesbian falls out.

Whore B: Wait! I want to hear the club story. What was it that happened at the club? What club?

The Prude: Oh yeah I remember this!

Whore B: How come she knows and I don’t?

The Prude: this was way before we met you. It was when we were in our senior year of high school.

Mia: It was some club we got invited to. it was some chicks birthday party.It was known as a gay club but on certain nights it was opened to heteros.

Whore B: So what happened?

Mia: My ex was with us and he and his boy spent the night hitting on this gorgeous bartender. The bartender kept sending us over free drinks so the guys thought they were the shit. Turns out that the bartender was sending over the drinks because of me.

Whore B: Are you serious?

Mia: Yup and the club had this gimmick that you’d pay 5 dollars for a shot but you had to drink it off the bartender. She was practically naked. Anyway so we walk up to the bar because the guys wanted to thank the chick for the drinks and get her number. When we step up to her the guys tell her they’ll buy a shot to drink off of her. She laid out on the bar and put a drink in her cleavage and one her stomach. She totally ignored the guys and tells me, “Here baby this one is on the house”.
I look at the guys and their jaws were touching the bar. I thank her and tell her,” No, That’s okay I’ve had enough. I started walking away next thing you know the chick comes after me and slips me her phone number and asked me to give her a call so we could chill together. I told her I was straight and hit the dance floor after that. My ex was heated. His friend however wanted to adopt me as his little sister and take me clubbing in every single bi-bar bar in town.

The whores and the prude then started laughing and just started hugging me.

Mia: Okay so can we get back to the whoring story?

Whore A: Yeah you were doing B’s scenarios.

Mia: Oh yeah so we at C’s party and until that moment I had always thought B was uncorruptedly straight. Next thing you know B is making out with some big chick.
By the end of the night she had made out and been felt up by every single lesbian there!

Whore A: What?!

Mia: We got the pictures to prove it. The only people she didn’t make out with were C and her girlfriend.

Whore A: Are you serious? She’s got me beat in the whoring department.

The Prude: God Damn B that’s a nigga’s dream come true live porn. Female on female action!

Mia: Yup but it wasn’t pretty let me tell you. Them chicks were HUGE it was like chubby chasers night at an all you can eat buffet. The smallest one was like 200 lbs.

Whore B: No a few of the dykes were thin.

Mia: Who?

Whore B: Remember "J" the one with the red doo rag that was DJ’ing?

Mia: Oh yeah I remember him he kept asking me when I was going to come in and dance with him.

Whore B: Mia that was a girl.

Mia: You’re lying! You’re a lying infidel!

Whore B: No I am not ask “C” that was a girl.

Mia: Swear to God.

Whore B: I swear to God.

Mia: Wow but he, she, it had facial hair! She had a goatee and everything!

Whore B: Yup but she was still a female.

Mia: Freaking amazing!

The Prude: Mia did you dance with her?

Mia: Na man I didn’t come inside. It was too hot in there. The place was packed and they had no AC just a little half assed fan. Plus there were things going on in there that I had no business seeing.

Whore A: So where were you?

Mia: On the fire escape talking on my celly. I was protecting myself.

Whore A: Why?

Whore B: Because they were all plotting on her. When they found out she was straight someone said they were going to turn her out that night and Mia headed for the fire escape.

Mia: You’re damn skippy I did, freaking females were aggressive. Grrrrrrr…

Whore A: That’s it?

Mia: Na man chill there’s more. She makes you look like a virginal whore.

Whore B: Virginal whore?

Mia: Yeah shut up I just made it up. At the time that happened this whore had a boyfriend and a girlfriend and she was playing them both dirty with some other dude.

Whore A: What?

Mia: Yup didn’t I tell you she’s a whore? Didn’t I tell you she made you look like an amateur? I know a whore when I see one. And this girl is queen whore right now. We must give her her whorish props. At the rate she’s going she’s going to have a venereal disease named after her.

Whore A: She’s queen?

Mia: Yup she’s queen you may swallow, gargle, rinse and repeat but you gots nada on this chick !

Whore B and The Prude are laughing like a maniacs by this time.

Mia: B whores on the regular with her mans best friend and her boyfriend doesn’t have a clue neither does the best friends girlfriend.

Whore A: Wait this in addition to the other girl?

Mia: Yup and another guy. We need a score card to keep track of who she’s doing on what day.

The Prude: Damn you’re nasty B!

Whore B: Okay ,okay you got me I’m a whore.

The Prude: Was there ever any doubt?

Mia: No there wasn’t my darling but pound for pound she’s the best whore out there in the land of bisexual whoredom! So hold your head up high you damn ho!

Mia: Oh yeah and lets not forget the time I was in Egypt and all hell broke loose in the land of whore.

Whores B and A together: Huh?

Mia: Ahhhhh my little buttercup whore, you didn’t think I knew about this one? That the entire whorish saga didn’t reach me in Egypt? I found out about it the same night it happened C hit me up with an email about it.

Whore A: ohhhhhhhhh shit do tell do tell.

The Prude: Which one of the skanks was it?

Whore B: Betcha it was me.

Mia: B and C…

Whore B: Told ya!

Mia: B and C decided to hit a club while I was gone and as they were dancing together they started making out on the dance floor.

Whore A: What?!!!

Mia: Yup them there whores broke the 1st commandment of whoring “Thou shalt not whore with each other”

The Prude: Wait, wait what about C how is she a whore?

Mia: Oh that’s easy C is a non discriminating whore… she will do anyone anywhere anyplace.. .out doors in doors on a boat, in a box, in a bush near a rock. But she is no where near their level yet she’s a fledging whore.

They both start laughing at that one.

The Prude : And what about you are you a whore?

Mia: Well let’s review ladies. Do any of you have any whoring incidents to report on me?

Whores B and A: Ummm actually no.

Mia: Yup that’s cause my mama raised me proper. I’m not a whore I just associate with them.

Whore B; That’s it no more whoring scenarios?

Mia: About you or in general?

Whore B: In general.

Mia: Let me see… well there’s L who you don’t know . We went to this club and she met this guy and went to the back alley and did his obese ass.

Whore A: She had to be drunk.

Mia: Na man she was sober he just had good game. Then there’s W who had just met this guy and when he asked if she had any friends told him about me. She invited me to a party they were throwing and when we got there it was just us. I think we were the party. I left real fast. W stood behind and the rest is shall we say whoring history and I heard from a reliable source a few weeks later there were pictures being mailed amongst our friends to prove it.

The Prude : Oh damn that’s messed up.

Mia: Yup and that’s why she’s out of the whoring circle. That’s commandment number 2 “Thou shalt not be trying to pimp out your non whoring friends.”

The Prude: How many commandments are there?

Mia: I don’t know I’m making this crap up as I go along. Work with me girl!

Whore A: Oh what about my new man’s cousin? That was funny.

Mia: I forgot about that. Her stupid boyfriend and his cousin tried to judge me by A’s whorish ways. One night we’re at her boyfriends house and the cousin tries to make moves on me which I totally ignore. Then he tried to get all bold about it and throws on a porno tape. And I looked at him like he had 3 heads, he moves in real close trying to kiss me I put my hand up in front of his face and tell him, “ back it up kid don’t make me snuff you.” And he “ tells me what this doesn’t turn you on?” I say “nope” and just got up and left! The kid was something like 17 years old. You know there is a fine line between whoring and molesting.

Whore A: Wait you would have done him if he hadn’t been so young?

Mia: Oh hell no. Not even if I was drunk, blinded and on drugs. Hell No!

Whore B: Whoa tell us how you feel.

Mia: Na man I didn’t find out his age til afterwards. Whoring is not my style. I may have moments of low self esteem but let’s not get all retarded now!

The conversation then turned to my aunt Nora and her bro- in- law Mahmoud.

Whore A: when is Nora coming back from Egypt?

Mia: In a week or so I have to ask my mom to make sure.

Whore B: Is he coming back with her?

The Prude: Who’s he?

Whore B: Nora’s fine ass brother in law. Hassan’s brother.

The Prude: He’s that fine?

Mia: He’s aight. I don’t know if he’s coming with . His visa hasn’t been approved yet. But his whorish ass is already asking me to hook him up with dirty American women.

Whore B: Really?

Mia: You interested?

Whore B: Hell yeah man he’s cute?

Mia: Whore!

Whore A: Not me he’s not my type. I’m not into Arab men.

Mia: Why not you afraid he’s going to run a jihad on your ass?

Whore B: You crazy he’s mad cute and nice.

Whore A: How you know?

Whore B: I seen pictures of him plus I spoke with him on the phone a couple of times at Nora’s house and I chatted with him a few times online. He called me habibi!

Mia: The boy may dress like a pato but he’s got game.

Whore A: He dresses like a maricon?

Mia: Not intentionally. A lot of the younger guys I met out there dress European style it's kind of villagy if you get what i'm saying. When he gets out here I’m taking his male whore ass shopping and hooking him up. Because the way he dresses now he looks like he could be working the pier in the village and making dollars doing it too!

Whore B: So you are going to introduce him to us aren’t you?

Mia: Yes I am my dear, you’ll get first crack at him before I start introducing him around to the rest of the whory crew. I promised him I was going to be at the airport when Hassan picks him. We're mad tight. We'd stay up mad late discussing politics and what not. He even explained the deal to me about their president Mubarak. Come with me to the airport if you want. Plus I’m going to be taking him to clubs and showing him around the city. He’s cool people.

Whore A: Mia, did he hit on you while you were out there?

Mia: He flirted a little.

Whore B: And details?

Mia: and what helloooo he’s nora’s bro- in- law he’s like family. I just used to ignore his flirting.

The Prude: All you did was discuss politics?

Mia: It was interesting stuff I really didn't know what was going on out there.Hey I needed to expand my horizons.

Whore A: You're such a nerd !

Mia: And you is an ignorant ho' but I still love you anyway. It was interesting stuff.

Whore B: I’m saying though I would have discussed the politics and done him. I can multi-task you know.

Mia: We know this my little whorish buddy.

The Prude: Oh please you're not into politics like Mia is to you multi-tasking means using your mouth and hands at the same time!


Mia: Oh that is so wrong on so many levels. We do not need to go there.

Whore B: Remind me to beat you down later Prude.

We stopped at the fruit stand to pick up some things before we headed home and all of a sudden Whore A started peeling a banana.

Whore A: Yo check this out!

And with that she opened her mouth and shoved a banana down her throat without gagging! Thank you very much!

Mia: Too bad they don’t have an Olympic event for that, man you would win the gold.

Whore B: Whore!

Whore A: That’s Queen whore to you. Bow down you peon!

The Prude: Oh my god you bitches are crazy! Why do I even hang out with you?

Mia: You act like this is news to you.

Whore A: Because you love us?

Whore B: Because you want to be just like us when you grow up?

The Prude: Oh my God Mia you’re not going to blog this are you?

Mia: Oh yes buttercup I am. It’s too good not to publish !

Whore A: You’re using our names?

Mia: Nope, but I will be posting your pics.

Whore B: Liar!

The Prude: For real?

Mia: No I’m playing about the pictures but serious about the blogging. Lucky for you B I deleted those pictures of you at the obese lesbians get together.

Whore A: B you still have those pictures?

Whore B: Na I think C has them though.

Mia: Trust me A you do not want to see them pictures!


We continued to walk and talk and it dawned on me yes my friends are whores. But you know what? They are the best whores they can be and do this country proud with their skank ass adventures. I may write a book about them one day.

Labels: whores

Posted by @ 1:07 AM
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