Thursday, April 02, 2009

The Thing On The Floor



Something on television reminded me of an incident that happened when I was around 12 years old. My mother’s cousin Yvette and her life partner were moving and the troops in this case her two sisters and my mom were called in to pack up their apartment while Yvette, her partner and the men of the family transported the furniture to their new place.

My family firmly believes in free labor and in dragging their kids with them every where they go and when they can combine the two it’s like heaven for them. This is how ten under aged kids ended seeing that thing on the floor.

Our job was to transport books and knick knacks from the all over the apartment to the adults packing boxes in the living room. Everything was going smoothly until my cousin brought out a metal canister and handed it to her mom. The canister looked like a gag gift, you know the ones that when you screw the top off shoot snakes out at you? You know the ones I’m talking about. Well anyway my cousin handed the canister to her mom ‘Chickie’. The canister didn’t fit in the box Chickie was packing so it was set on the table awaiting the next box that was being set up. Just then Chickie’s sister Marisol emerged from the bedroom with a pair of filigree earrings in her hand.

“I found these on the closet floor. Where’s the box with the jewelry?" She asked.

“They took that stuff already. Those earrings will get messed up in these boxes.” Mom said.

“Oh I know where we can put them!” Chickie said reaching for the canister.

“Where?”

Chickie shook the canister in her sister’s face.

“In here! You hear that? There’s something heavy in here. Knowing Yvette she probably stashes stuff in here.”

All the kids gathered around expecting snakes or something to shoot out of the canister, nothing came out; whatever was in there was stuck. Chickie slid two fingers into the canister trying to pry whatever was in there out. She let out a blood curdling shriek and flung the canister onto the floor. We weren’t ready for what happened next… out popped the biggest rubber dildo I’d ever seen in my life. Granted it was the first dildo I’d ever seen but still even now in my now adult mind it still seems gigantic.

Mom and her cousins froze on the spot. They were speechless. My cousin’s and I warily circled it. We were amazed. Naturally I was the first to open up my yap, “They have pee pees in plastic? You can get that? Why would you need that? Why would you do that?” I asked.

“IN THE ROOM NOW!” one of my aunts yelled.

“I thought Aunt Yvette didn’t like men, why would she need that?” One of my cousins asked.

“IN THE ROOM. NOW. AHORA MISMO!” Aunt Mari yelled her eyes about to pop out of her head.


“Where’s the ballies?” cousin Bobby asked.


NIKI TAKE THEM INTO THE ROOM!” Bobby’s mom aunt Chickie yelled. “AND DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING IN THERE!” she added.

My teen aged cousin Niki leaned down and whispered, “I’ll explain it to you later.” “Let’s go guys”, she said in a louder voice, “you heard them everybody in the room now.” Niki ordered.

We went into the room willingly with huge smiles on our faces. We were dying to grill Niki for information about the thing laying on the living room floor. From the living room we could hear my mom and her cousins arguing in between giggles.

“Pick it up Maggie”

“Oh hell no she’s your sister!”

“Oh bitch don’t give that she’s your sister shit now. Our mom’s were sisters… we grew up 2 blocks away from each other. We spent every single day of our lives together, even now! We’re all sisters!” Aunt Mari exclaimed.

“I’m still not touching it. I was never that fond of Yvette.” Mom said.

“Me neither,” said Aunt Mari, “I was always closer to you than her.”

“Come on Mags pick it up.” Chickie pleaded

“I don’t want to! I don’t know where it’s been!” mom whined at her cousins. No one said anything for a second and then they burst out laughing.

“You know where it’s been!” Chickie said.

“Eww!” one of them shrieked

“Chickie, you should pick it up you’re the one that opened the can. ” Mom said

“Mags should pick it up she’s the oldest.”

Mom mimicked Aunt Mari, “she’s the oldest…oh yeah now I’m the oldest too bad that never worked when we were kids. Mari I’m only a month older than you …you pick it up!”

“I’m not touching it! ” Mari said.

“What was Yvette doing with that thing? Chickie asked

“Chickie, how many kids you’ve got again?” Mari asked.

“Shut up. How big is that thing anyway?” Chickie asked.

“Go get the tape measure Chickie and while your down there measuring it you can put it back in the can.”

“Go screw yourself Marisol” Chickie shot back

“And thanks to your sister’s toy you can do it too Mari” mom said.

“Let’s do paper, rock, scissors whoever loses picks it up.” Mari suggested.

By this time we’d staged a mutiny and Niki wasn’t able prevent us from rushing back into the living room. We all wanted to see who was going to pick up the thing we now knew thanks to Niki was called a dildo and what is was used for. Trust me we all looked at our aunt Yvette and her life partner a little differently after that. Come on we were kids after all.

My aunt Chickie lost. “Tongs, I need tongs!” she yelled. You would’ve sworn the thing was alive from the way she circled it trying to figure out the best angle to grab it from. Aunt Chickie approached the thing on the carpet as if it were going to fly up off the floor at her.

“Hurry up Chickie!” her sister yelled

Chickie squealed and closed her eyes as she shot out the tongs at the thing on the floor. As soon as Chickie had it gripped in the tongs mom and Aunt Mari let out a big whoop. Chickie opened her eyes and hoisted the dildo over her head as if were a trophy she’d won. Mom and Aunt Mari were dancing around her when my father and two uncles walked in through the door.

“What the hell?” one of my uncles exclaimed before he burst out laughing.

My dad looked up at the dildo Aunt Chickie was still holding over her head and narrowed his eyes at the women.

“I swear to God babe I can’t leave you and your cousins alone for a minute can I ?” he said.

Labels: Embarassing Moments, family

Posted by @ 9:11 PM
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