Sunday, November 30, 2008

Beer, Money, and Cleavage



It started out innocently enough the model thin females I call my friends were talking about cellulite and stretch marks around their butts and thighs while we waited on our table. My friend Psycho Chick whipped out her cell phone and showed me some pics of her wearing a thong and pointed to her troubled areas. When I didn’t add my tale of woe to theirs I was asked about mine. “I don’t have either” I said. Considering that I am heavier than both of them the girls were amazed. “Genetics” I said. “You’ve got a great ass Mia” Psycho Chick said as she reached behind me and attempted to pinch my butt.”Uh, what the hell and thank you?” “Shit Mia your ass is solid muscle I can’t pinch it!” She then let her hand roam freely along my ass until I stepped away from her. Something about that felt a little too friendly if you get my drift.

Maybe it was the music, the good company, or the booze, or maybe it was the nifty new necklace I was wearing courtesy of the oh so wonderful Frumalicious. Whatever the reason behind her confession there was no stopping Psycho Chick, she’d decided that the time had come to reveal that she was bisexual ( I knew this) and that she was attracted to me (news to me) and she’d decided to do this in front of my friends while sitting in my favorite pub. My friend Ursula loved it; her boyfriend, Rassan, just didn’t know what to do with himself, this was a totally new experience for him. His facial expressions were killing me every one was funnier than the last.

I tried to tell her that she was just feeling that way because she’s going through a really bad time in school right now and I’ve stood by her. I’m due to act as her student advocate in front of a panel of professors in a few days. “You’re just feeling me because I’m about to slay some dragons for you.” She disagreed with my theory and went on to inform us that she’d been attracted to me the first time she’d seen me in class and that’s why she’d started talking to me.“Oh man and here I thought it was my charm and wit” I joked just before sipping the last of my Blue Moon beer. Psycho Chick’s blue eyes twinkled and she winked at me, “I’ve always been attracted to women with brown eyes. You have beautiful eyes beautiful chocolate eyes.” Chocolate? I’ve had them described as amber, café au lait, brown sugar, and the more mundane light brown but chocolate? Never. I wonder what kind of chocolate?

Ursula’s boyfriend’s eyes opened wide and he looked off to the side before putting his game face on and looking at me. I smiled at him and said, “Rassan, don’t you wish I‘d brought my boyfriend along?” He laughed and nodded his head. “Before this night is over I want to kiss you” she continued “You have the sexiest lips. There’s something about you Mia.” Ursula’s boyfriend looked as if he wanted to run. He also looked as if was blushing but given his dark complexion and the lighting in the place it was hard to tell. I pointed to Psycho Chick and then myself,”Bet you wish you’d stayed in Jersey huh Rassan?” He nodded his head. “That’ll teach you to hang out with Puerto Ricans. Aren't you glad you’re dating the Polish chick right about now?” Rassan nodded his head a bit too eagerly. Psycho Chick scared him.Ursula laughed at his reaction. I whipped out a tube of lip balm and began coating my lips stretching and puckering them into anything but attractive. “Sexy lips huh?” Ursula and her boyfriend laughed at my comical grimaces.

I excused myself from the table to get another round of drinks from the bar “What are you getting?” Psycho Chick asked. “I’m getting a Stella “I’ll have the same” she said as she stuffed the money for her beer down the front of my shirt and into my bra. I tugged at the shirt glancing down at the twenty dollar bill stuck in my cleavage. “That’s too much, the beer’s only four bucks" I said . “Keep the change, it’s your tip” she replied. I shrugged my shoulders and reached into my bra for the money. I also made a mental note to pay for the rest of her drinks with the change. “Thanks, times are tough” I said and shook my boobs back and forth. Ursula’s boyfriend howled in laughter as Ursula slapped the table and yelled at me, “Go baby go!”

Labels: bar stories, psycho chick

Posted by @ 11:17 PM
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