Monday, March 24, 2008

I Have a Gas Hose In My Hand and I’m Sure My Mother Has a Lighter Somewhere In Her Purse


I don’t understand the reason behind non-New Yorkers bad mouthing New York.The minute they find out someone is from New York the verbal sludge flows. Actually the ones who tend to pop the most nonsense have never been here.

Recently a friend was planning a trip to New York and had the chutzpah to ask me if was safe.I didn’t know whether to be insulted or amused since he was basing his judgment on crappy B list movies and a couple of ancient shows that claimed to take place in New York but were actually filmed in Canada. “Dude,are you serious? You’re worried about your safety here?! For the love of god you come from a country where BOMBS are considered an acceptable form of political protest! Your country is like a Dr. Seuss book gone retarded!" "Bombs on the train...bombs in the rain...bombs in a box...bombs by the rocks! Bombs, bombs every where! Bombs on your chair...bombs under the stairs... bombs on the bus...bombs strapped to the bearded man’s nuts! Bombs in the car... bombs near and far! Bombs, bombs every where!” By the way he was not amused.


Then there's the Florida incident invloving my dad. My dad was pumping gas for his parents when another customer over heard him talking to the attendant. Picking up on my dad’s New York accent the man approached my father and asked if he was from New York, when my dad replied that he was the man just felt free to let it all hang out. “Whoa New York", he chuckled, "you wouldn’t catch me dead there! It’s so dirty, dangerous. The drugs! The people are so rude!”

Okay here’s the thing anyone who knows me is by now familiar with my mother’s razor sharp tongue. Seriously the woman can draw blood from her victims with just one sentence. My father is not like my mother. I repeat the man from whose loins I sprung forth is nothing like the woman who carried me in her womb for six months. My daddy is gentle, polite, and above all diplomatic. So naturally it came as a complete shock to everyone when he glared at the man and said, “Sir, we’re standing in the middle of a gas station. I have a gas hose in my hand and I’m sure my mother has a lighter somewhere in her purse. Do you really want to continue the anti-New York speech?”


Out in California my home girl Jackie gets a lot of attention with her New York accent. The other day she was on the phone and the woman realizing that Jackie was from New York felt the need to inform Jackie that New York was culturally bereft in comparison to Cali. California in her opinion which she stated as if it were an undisputable fact was the culture capital of the world. WTF?! Put the crack pipe down lady; stick the cork back in your bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon it’s time to get bitch slapped by reality.

Cali is THE movie making...plastic surgery...wannabe zen...hopping on the latest trend...superficiality as a lifestyle...people becoming famous for flashing their bare cooch... and starring in bad home made porn movies.. CAPITAL of the world. Pop culture capital sure no doubt own it, own it, strut it Cali that title is all yours baby wear that shit with pride putos. However culture capital as in museums,opera,and theatre uh uh I don’t think so.

There are 1300 museums spread out over the entire state of California but unless you’re from Cali or the surrounding area I doubt you can name one, meanwhile aliens on the dark side of the moon plotting anal probes of our species can name at least two of our museums. Please don’t think I’m disrespecting Cali, I’m just calling it like I see it. All I’m saying is that the female who dissed New York while on the phone with Jackie sure had a lot of nerve making her claim of cultural superiority when you consider they don’t even have a freaking Dunkin’ Donuts to ease my gentle giant’s cravings.



PS:Here’s a little something for those trash talkers straight from AOL, according to an article by Morgan Quitno Press entitled The 12 most Dangerous States the most dangerous state is Nevada. New York didn’t even make the list. The states that did make the list just happen to be the home states of friends who are always trashing New York in terms of safety... booooyah biotches!

Labels: new york

Posted by @ 11:14 AM
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