Mia: Shaken Not Stirred

The true life stories of a NYC female.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

A mission of God

There’s a middle-aged woman in our neighborhood whose sole mission in life seems to be the spiritual salvation of others. It’s not a bad calling in life when you come to think of it it’s just that there’s a time and place for everything.
My mom and I were standing in line at Rite-Aid waiting to pay for my stuff when the preacher lady who was ahead of me launched a major soul intervention mission. I don’t know what the heck the cashier did to the preacher woman to make her go off but the woman was on a mission….(deep voice here) a mission of God.

Preacher lady : Jesus died for your sins Carmen! Jesus loves you and has put me in your path to make sure you do right Carmen! Carmen you can enter his kingdom in heaven!

The cashier looked around obviously embarrassed that this loud ass woman was drawing attention to them. Carmen decided that her best option was to keep ringing the lady’s stuff up and avoid eye contact but it was too late. The woman was on a roll. She preached a mini sermon in a matter of 2 minutes. All through out the sermon she kept referring to cashier by her name “Carmen”. I guess she was trying to add a personal touch to her sermon. Finally Carmen had had enough….

Cashier : My name is not Carmen.

Preacher lady : What?

Cashier :My name’s not Carmen. My name is Natalie.

She pointed to the name tag on Carmen’s red smock.

Preacher lady : So why does that say Carmen if you’re not Carmen?

Cashier :Because I forgot my uniform and borrowed this one from Carmen.

The preacher lady seemed to doubt the cashier’s story. She glanced in my direction and spotting one of my tattoos and glared at me. I always get that reaction from the older “born agains” one look at my tattoos and they think I’m a child of the corn. I hoped she wouldn’t say anything about my tats because I didn’t want a repeat of last year’s Pathmark episode.

Preacher lady : Carmen don’t be afraid of what these sinners think.

WTF?! How does she know I'm a sinner? Is it written all over me? Damn my cousin Mahmoud and his hash cigarettes!

Preacher lady: I know this is hard for you to hear my message but Carmen I promise you I was put in your path by our lord and savior Jesus to help you.

The cashier handed the lady her change and slid her bagged purchases towards the preacher lady as the lady continued her sermon. Oh crap I thought the sermon is almost done! I wouldn’t be surprised in the lady whips out a bottle of water and baptizes Carmen right here at register number 4.

Cashier:Yeah whatever but my name is not Carmen

and to prove her point she called out to the cashier several registers down….

Cashier:Ay yo tell this lady what my name is!

Cashier #2: Natalie!

Cashier: See my name is Natalie not Carmen.

The preacher lady just stared at Natalie not knowing what to say. I stepped in front of the preacher lady and placed my stuff on the counter…then she spoke…

Mom: Ahhh well I guess that means you’re officially fucked Natalie! Straight pa el carajo ( hell) you’ll go. Mira nena next time you see Carmen let her know Jesus is looking for her ass. In the meantime mija let’s keep this moving… do me a favor and ring this up before you’re consumed by a cloud of fire and sentenced to eternal damnation. I don’t have time to wait til you get out of limbo to do this (pointing to my frizzy curls). My kid needs this conditioner NOW!!

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Posted by @ 11:02 PM
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