Mia: Shaken Not Stirred

The true life stories of a NYC female.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Mr. So & So and The BBM

The names in this story have been disguised to protect the embarrassed. Personally I thought it was one of the funniest things ever. Especially in light of the fact that the main character had been mistakenly detained by the police a few days earlier after a fight broke out in the subway station between 2 rival high schools. The main character however doesn’t seem to share my sense of humor but I love him anyway.

It was late afternoon and Mr. So and So was hard at work in his cubicle when the big black man walked into the office a determined look on his face. The man was tall and built like a pro-wrester he looked around the office, his eyes darting around in search of someone. Several heads popped up out of their cubicles.

“May I help you?” someone asked.

“I’m looking for Mr. So and So” BBM replied.

Mr. So and So slowly unfolded his 6ft frame from his chair. He looked over his cubicle and stared at the big black man. He didn’t recognize the man and was clueless as to how BBM knew his name.

The office manager approached BBM and asked, “Why are you looking for Mr. So and So?”

It was obvious to everyone there that the big black man wasn’t part of the Clearinghouse Publisher’s Sweep Stakes prize-mobile crew especially since he wasn’t carrying a huge card board check and Ed McMahon was nowhere in sight.

“Are you Mr. So and So ?” BBM asked.

“No” the office manager replied in his crisp British accent.

BBM stared at the office manager. Mr. So and So was Hispanic obviously this white man standing in front of him was not Mr. So and So.

BBM noticed the turning of several heads in the direction of Mr. So and So and he smiled. Thanks to them he was certain he knew who Mr. So and So was.

“Who are you?” the manager asked .

“I’m the nigga that’s going to beat the shit out of Mr. So and So.”

“Why?” the manager asked.

“He’s been fucking my girl.”

“Who’s your girl?” Mr. So and So asked, not the wisest query when faced with a jealous BBM if you ask me but nobody did. The fact that Mr. So and So was bumping uglies with so many women that BBM’s girlfriend was just another insignificant piece of tail seemed to enrage BBM even more than he was already.

BBM glared at Mr. So and So as he stormed his way across the floor his long legs eating up the carpet. Given the size of the two men this would go down as the clash of the titans.

BBM was feet away from his goal when Mini Man (he’s barely taller than me and rather wiry) came out of nowhere and flew through the air like an avenging ninja and judo chopped BBM right across his windpipe. Deprived of air BBM went down like a ton of bricks. Security arrived within seconds and circled BBM and Mr. So and So was ushered into his supervisor’s office.

“ I must admit I’m surprised given the fact that you’re always talking so much about your girlfriend.” The office manager said to Mr. So and So.

Mr. So and So looked up in astonishment at his supervisor he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. His supervisor stared back waiting for Mr. So and So to say something.

“Are you fucking his girl?” he asked.

“No! I’m not fucking anyone! I don’t know what he’s talking about. Ask him who is girl is.”

The manager stepped outside the office and spoke to BBM. He came back in and supplied Mr. So and So with the woman’s name. Mr. So and So shook his head, he didn’t recognize the name. Until that moment he’d assumed that BMM must have been the new boyfriend of one of his many female friends. Since the police had shown up and were ringing BBM the supervisor felt safe in placing Mr. So and So in front of BBM.

Mr. So and So addressed BBM, “Dude, I don’t even know her.”

BMM scowled at Mr. So and So. He pulled a cell phone out of his pocket found what he was looking for and tossed the cell phone at Mr. So and So’s feet.

“So what is your number doing in her cell phone?” BMM asked.

The office manager bent down and picked up the cell phone and handed it to Mr. So and So. It was the number to his direct line. Mr. So and So stared at it for a second.

“She must be a customer." he told BMM.

The supervisor walked over the nearest computer and accessed Mr. So and So’s accounts and sure enough the woman’s number appeared there. After looking at his notes Mr. So and So remembered her.

“I’ve never met your girl friend. She called about renting one of our storage units. She said she was leaving you and wanted to come into the nearest facility. I scheduled a visit for her. She must’ve kept my number in her phone in order to call me back.”

BMM looked heart broken. What a crappy way to find out you’re about to be dumped. No one wanted to press charges against him considering the circumstances so BMM was free to go.

Later on while Mr. So and So and I were talking I joked that considering his police detention and this incident he was living his life wrong and just in case he should inquire as to where Mini Man had gotten his judo skills and sign up for a few classes. Mr. So and So was not amused. Of course it didn’t help that I was laughing hard as hell picturing Mini Man flying through the air. "You're so messed up Mia!" he fumed making me laugh even more.


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