Mia: Shaken Not Stirred

The true life stories of a NYC female.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Victory Was Hers

There’s this man in our apartment complex by the name of Tony that has had a crush on my mom for 17 years. Lucky in love with mom he ain't, devoted to her he is. Lights up like a christmas tree whenever he sees her. Can't compliment her enough on her looks and style. Ma is uncomfortable with his attention and the fact that we all tease her about it something awful doesn't do anything to enhance the situation either. We were fresh off of a Tony encounter and my uncle and I was teasing mom about it when I decided to go into my marvelous impression of Tony southern accent and all while my uncle left us to answer the door.

I came up close to my mom looked her up and down and gave a big smile and then went into his routine...

Mia: Good evening Miss Maggie!

Mom: ( barely above a whisper ) Mia. Cut.It. Out.

She side stepped me and tried to around me. I jumped in front of her and started again...

Mia: Good evening Miss Maggie!

Her eyes looked as if they were going to pop out of her head. Yes! Victory was almost mine! All I had to do was keep pressing her buttons and she’d turn mad red and let loose a string of curses so vile sailors would blush and the ghost of nuns would appear from the heavens armed with huge bars of industrial soap ! I continued my torment. I was standing right in front of her my back to the dining room. She couldn’t get away from me. If she moved left I shifted to the left, she moved right I slid to the right. Victory oh sweet victory was just a few seconds away. I licked my lips in anticipation of what was to come. I smiled at mom and went into my Tony imitation down to his mucho macho swagger. No amount of protest was going to stop me now....

Mia: Good evening Miss Maggie!

Mom: Mia ixnay on the tonyay !

No way was I going to stop. I just made my mom hiss in pig latin! Ahh yes this was so on....

Mia: You sure do look pretty tonight. I hope you don’t mind my saying so but Miss Maggie you have the prettiest skin and hair I’ve ever seen and the face of an angel. William is sure a lucky man Miss Maggie.

Mom: Maria Leticia Suarez Amin ! Me cago en los tomates de marta ( I shit upon Martha’s tomatoes) dejate de la mierda! (Stop your shit)

Ahhh yes this was going well not only was ma hissing but she was also invoking my full name AND she did something obscene to Martha’s tomatoes and in Spanish no less! Ha! My mom was beyond red, she was burgundy ! Ha! Oh man she was really irked now her eyes were all squinched up and she was doing some wierd jumpy thing with her eyebrow. The vein in her neck was doing that throbbing thing. Her jaw was clenched making the cleft in her chin more pronounced. Her lips were so tight her dimples were showing. Oh yeah baby she was going to blow. She was going to blow. Ho-ho she was going to blow and it was going to be a beaut. She looked at me and shook her head rubbing her forehead as if she had a splitting migraine. Yes! Oh yes! Sweet baby Jesus victory was mine! I stood there grinning like an idiot waiting for mom to let loose what she was obviously holding back...come on Mags, come on let it out...I thought to myself. Then all of a sudden I heard a familiar southern drawl coming from the dining room behind me...que mierda! , Holy crap !

Tony: Hello Miss Maggie how are you? I’m so sorry to disturb you. I needed to borrow some tools and your son was kind enough to loan me some.

Shit, shit, triple shit! How long had he been behind me?!

Maggie: I’m fine Tony thank you and it's ok you didn't disturb me at all.

She smiled at Tony and cleared her throat even though her voice was gentle it sounded kind of tight and raspy as if she had a crouton stuck in her throat. She was trying to keep herself from laughing. I felt my face getting hotter by the second. I could feel my face actually turning red . Feel my ears turning red. Good lord almighty they were burning! Even my hearing was affected. Everything sounded muffled. Carajo! I think I went deaf! In my head I sang, “awkward momennnnt”in an operatic voice. Oh man this was bad very, very bad. My phone rang I answered it but then I couldn't hear anything except for the blood rushing through my body. Jesus Christ I'd been struck deaf. I whispered into my phone to I don't who, "I'll call you back in a minute." and hung up. I felt Tony come up a little closer from behind me...

Tony: Hello Mia.

Brrrr I felt a sudden draft. Brrrr. I didn’t dare face him. I couldn’t. I was trying to keep myself together and I was barely succeeding. I was thisclose to laughing. I held my hand up as a way of greeting and barely above a whisper replied to him...

Mia: Hey Tony.

I leaned in towards mom and whispered to her as she repeatedly rubbed the back of her neck, “How long has he been there?” Mom leaned in closer to me and whispered even lower, “the entire time.” SHIT. I was trapped.I couldn’t turn around of even leave the room because otherwise I’d have to face him. I was mortified. DOUBLE SHIT. Maybe if I was lucky he didn't hear anything, yeah maybe. Maybe Bush is a mensa member.

Tony: Well Good night Miss Maggie I’ll have these back by tomorrow.

Maggie: Oh there’s no rush Tony you hold onto them for as long as you need to. Good night.

Tony: Good night Mia. By the way Miss Maggie you sure do look pretty tonight and you do have the face on an angel.

Ugh! I could feel his eyes searing me on the back of my head. I refused to turn around until I heard the door close. Mom covered her face with her hands, shook her head again and started laughing no I take that back she wasn’t laughing she was straight up cackling. Yeah she was cackling! She pointed at me sucked in her breath and patted me on the shoulder, “ Ahhh man that was priceless.” and walked away. Now it was me who was red, victory was hers .

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Posted by @ 8:20 AM
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