Mia: Shaken Not Stirred


The true life stories of a NYC female.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Vigilante Raccoons


I believe someone I know is being stalked by vigilante raccoons. As he told me about about his encounters with raccoons I decided that it couldn’t be a coincidence these encounters were all somehow connected to an act of violence committed by his dog….


It all started late one night. My friend was fast asleep in his bed, the stars shining through his skylight. Something awakened him perhaps it was a stirring sound; perhaps it was the weight of a stare. When he opened his eyes there was a raccoon at the foot of his bed staring at him.

Me: Wait how did the raccoon get in?

Him: Through my skylight I think.

I imagined a love sick raccoon shimmying down a rope into the bedroom like a high tech burglar in a crime movie. Once on the floor it ducked and dodged the infrared beams of the security system. The raccoon made it’s way to the bed placed his elbows on the comforter and tucked his little paws under his chin letting out a sigh as he gazed upon the object of his affections, The Police’s “Every Breath You Take” playing in the distant background.

Seeing the raccoon there inches from his face startled my friend and his dog.

”Hush my beloved do not fret,I mean you no harm” says the raccoon placing his paw on his lips for effect “it is only my desire to watch you sleep." and then he fluttered his eye lashes.

Whether it was a primal instinct or just fear the dog sprung into action against the raccoon and after a chase around the room ended the raccoon’s life.

As he laid there gasping for breath the raccoon his life ebbing away held out his paw towards my friend , “though I lay mortally wounded I go into the hereafter enraptured with love for you.”

Days later my friend was walking down a lonely road when he came across a family of raccoons. They all stopped and stared at him, my friend backed up a few inches.

”Hold up, hold up isn’t that the bastard whose dog killed Bertram?!” one raccoon said to another

The raccoons seemed frozen in their tracks, my friend advanced towards them.

The father raccoon threw his paws up in the air as if he were challenging the human. The mother raccoon stepped up placing her paw on her husband’s arm, “Hans not now, the children!” “You’re lucky the missus saved your ass otherwise hah! No telling what I’d do to you!” yelled the father raccoon.

The raccoons backed up never taking their eyes off of my friend and then ran off into the woods. Sometime later my friend is working in a state park here in the Bronx and he comes across a couple of raccoons. The raccoons don’t budge, they don’t turn and run after all these are raccoons born and raised in The Bronx. They fear nothing, they looked pissed...

“Yo Miguel check it out…it’s that boy that had my homeboy Bertram iced!” “Mira ese maricon Vinnie he’s acting like it’s all copasetic like he didn’t do nuffin’!” Miguel and Vinnie grilled my friend long and hard…they both reached for strewn branches on the ground…a rumble of epic porportions was about to go down, the park was alive with the sound of the animals spreading the word…. A crowd of squirrels had gathered taunting my friend urging the raccoons on...the sound of a switch blade flicking open echoed throughout the park...

Just then the head ranger drove up, my friend was needed elsewhere in the park.

My friend looked back at the raccoons from the safety of the truck as it drove away. Vinnie the raccoon stood on his hind legs and gave him the finger while Miguel threw up gang signs...

If I were him I’d watch my back. I don’t think this is over.

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