Mia: Shaken Not Stirred

The true life stories of a NYC female.

Friday, November 03, 2006


My mother is known for her quick wit. She’s one of those people who always has the perfect response no matter what you throw at her. Her delivery is flawless, her timing impeccable and her facial expressions sublime. Sometimes it’s not even what she says it’s just the way she says it. I thought I’d give you guys a sample of her most memorable lines this week….

Monday: I was stressing a research paper I had to turn in later that day. My mom read it over and pronounced it brilliant and then for good measure gave me one of her pep talks. By the time she was done I felt as if I could conquer the world.

Mia: Ma I wish you had a magic wand.

My theory behind this was that she has such a way with people it would be great if she had a magic wand to wave over the world and make it better.

Mom: Whooo thank God I don’t. Catch me on a bad day and there will be a mess of people with exploding diarrhea all over Washington!

Tuesday (Halloween): It’s almost 4 am my dad is getting ready to leave for work. My dad wakes my mom up to kiss her good-bye.…

Dad: Babe so what are you going to be for this Halloween?

Mom: Cranky woman whose husband woke her up.

Dad: Oh I thought you were going to be a cranky OLD woman.

Mom: Nope you’re father’s got that covered. Since when is the old man into cross dressing?

Wednesday : It was almost time for dad to leave for work again. This time Ma was awake they were in the kitchen talking. My dad opened the fridge and caught a whiff from the slightly opened baggie cucumber/melon tobacco I keep in the fridge for the shisha.

Dad : Baby I think something has gone bad in the fridge.

Mom : she sniffed the air I don’t smell anything.

Dad : You know you can’t smell anything with that little thing you call a nose.

Mom : Honey you're not smelling anything in our fridge. What you're actually smelling is Yakov making Borcsh in Russia. Not that i'm saying you have a big nose or anything like that.

Thursday: Dad decided to pull a prank on mom. He turned the bedroom light off and hid behind the door. When mom walked into the room he jumped out at her. Ma must have jumped several feet in the air. She looked as if she were about to cry. He had really scared her and immediately felt bad about it…sort of. He reached out for mom and started hugging her rocking her back and forth kissing her on the top of her head.

Dad :I’m so sorry babe. Are you mad at me?

Mom : Oh no, not at all sweetheart but as soon as I find someone willing to sell me some arsenic no questions asked we’ll be discussing this stunt of yours again.

she then gave him “the look”(see photo at beginning of post) …this look has been known to freeze us kids in our tracks

Friday : My parents are chilling in the living room talking . One of their best friends my aunt Letty is in town for the weekend and wants to see them. My mother is a little anxious. Her friend hasn’t seen her since she had the stroke. My mother’s face is partially paralyzed. Her slightly crooked smile is the only visible evidence of her stroke. She’s very, very self-conscious about the way her smile looks now and puts her hand over her mouth when she smiles.

Dad: You know you’re still beautiful. The stroke didn’t take that away from you. Even if I wasn’t married to you I’d still feel that way. The older you get the prettier you are.

Mom: Really? By the time I reach 90 I should be drop dead gorgeous!

Dad: You already are.

My mom just stared at him for a second and snuggled up to him. Her nose got kind of pink a signal of impending tears in our house.

Mom: Aw shit!

Dad: You okay boogie?

Mom: I hope I can get my money back on the arsenic I brought this morning.


Posted by @ 4:56 PM
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