Mia: Shaken Not Stirred


The true life stories of a NYC female.

Monday, October 31, 2005

An unwanted pregnancy in the family...




Something strange is going on in my house. The animals are taking that “be fruitful and multiply” crap to heart. Kane’s been in heat all week long. My dad was supposed to get him fixed during the Thanksgiving holiday but for now he is on full bellaco (horny) mode. It’s a struggle keeping him away from Cleo. My brother’s iguana Yoshi looks like it’s getting ready to lay some eggs, and in what has proven to be the shocker of the year we’re the beneficiaries of Immaculate Conception!

Na not really…. A few months back with her mother’s consent I bought a guinea pig as a gift for my cousin. I was told by the clerk at Pet Co that it was a girl. My little cousin didn’t take care of it so Nora left him at my house while she was in Egypt and never came back for him. The problem was that while Nora was in Egypt a friend of mine gave me a female guinea pig, we named it Gizmo. I took it as a pet for my dog because Cleo was getting really attached to Stripe and I thought aunt Nora was going to take him back home when she returned from her trip. The guinea pig fulfills some maternal instinct in Cleo she treats it as if it were her baby, she’s never had puppies.

Last night I was cleaning out the guinea pig cage and noticed that Gizmo had put on some serious weight. I showed her to my mom and my mom says, “I think Cleo’s going to be a grandma. That guinea pig looks like it’s knocked up. Either that or it’s having some thyroid problems.”

What?!!! Gizmo knocked up? How the hell? They’re both females! The guy at Pet Co told me that Stripe is a girl!! She can’t be pregnant! The last time something like this happened in history; three wise men came from the east bearing gifts for a babe wrapped in swaddling clothing lying in a manger. I start to suspect the guy at Pet Co was full of hamster pellets. I mean I thought those people at Pet Co knew what they were talking about. I’ve seen the commercial of the guy rolling around Pet Co inside a giant hamster ball. I thought these guys were educated!!!

Not believing what I am seeing I flip Gizmo over and then rush over to the cage and take Stripe out. I flip him over too…I am now staring at guinea pig genitalia. Oh my God this is what my life has been reduced to …I’m actually staring at guinea pig genitals and making comparisons. Wait a minute, WTF is that?! Gizmo doesn’t have that…oh my freaking frankincense and myrrh they’ve got different hoo hoo’s ! Their genitalia is interlockable! Stripe is a dude!!

So now I’m left to do research on guinea pigs birthing habits cause like Prissy in Gone With the Wind, “I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' babies.”

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