Mia: Shaken Not Stirred

The true life stories of a NYC female.

Monday, January 07, 2008

A scurrilous lie

A group of people were at the bus stop preaching, their mission on this cold day was to save as many BX36 riders as humanly possible. I cursed at myself for having misplaced my headphones and not being able to drown the sermon out with music. Try as they might on this particular day none of the sinners were interested in being saved but I'm pretty sure it had to do with their style of preaching all fire and brimstone finger wagging in the air. Instead of making you want to embrace the message it left you wanting to judo chop the messenger in the throat. A family friend approached me on his way to the store and attempted to play catch up with me until the traffic light changed. Finally the light changes and he was gone. I leaned out of the bus shelter to see if the bus was coming …nope, no bus aqui. As I stepped back into the bus shelter I made eye contact with the preacher who had been listening in on my conversation. Awww crap I did it to myself! The man walked over to me and pointed his finger at me…

Preacher: Jesus LOVES you!

Thank you for the reminder sir I love him as well it's just organized religion I have a problem with.

The people with him gathered around him like back up singers. A few choruses of amen rang out in the air. I said nothing instead I do a poor imitation of my iguana and closed my eyes…if I can’t see it then it’s not there. I rubbed my eyes and opened them slowly…awww crap the preacher man and his backup singers were still there.

“Mia, be nice no smart ass comments please.” my subconscious yelled out at me. “Fine, fine, esta bien (okay)!" I shot back.

Preacher: My sister, my child I will pray for you tonight and continue to pray for you that you continue on your path. That you never want for anything. It makes the Holy Father proud when one of our children does good.

He stared at me as if he was expecting a response…

Wow that's really nice of him. No Mia, don’t do it don’t you freaking dare do it… but it's a really sweet gesture on his part...shut up…don’t talk to the man…you’ll get a sermon if you do..shhhh

Mia: Uh thank you sir.

He smiled at me and came closer his little posse took a few steps forward as well.

Crap You’ve got no one to blame but yourself…damn you female!

Preacher: Have you accepted the lord Jesus Christ as your savior my child?

I gave him a tight lipped smile hoped he’d move on, he seemed glued to the spot. I heard the bus engine turning over on the opposite end of the block. In a matter of minutes it would be turning the corner making its way to our stop. Not getting a response from me the preacher tried another tactic.

Preacher: Do you drink, do you smoke, do you take the lord’s name in vain…do you fornicate girl?

AHHH on occasion yeah I’ve been known to hoist a few, cigarettes no, other stuff occasionally uhh what was the last question again, why don’t we move on to the next one shall we? Lord’s name in vain you say? Well sure unintentionally but it’s all good because the higher power is free to take my name in vain if the need arises… as for that last one I plead the 5th my grandparents read my blog.

Getting no response from me he tried another approach…

Preacher: Are you aware that Jesus died for your sins?!

WTF?! Why it always gotta be my sins? I actually didn’t start consciously sinning until the late 90’s thank you very much and by that time Jesus was long gone.

He’s not letting me off the hook; my silence was obviously some sort of sign to him.

Preacher: Well young lady? Do you know that JESUS died for YOUR sins?!

Aww to heck with it...

Mia: My sins, me specifically?

The preacher gave a triumphant smile and looked at his posse. He had made me talk.

Preacher: Yes your sins.

The bus pulled into the stop, the crowd began to board it.

Mia: Sir I am offended! I must inform you that the accusation you’re leveling at me is a scurrilous lie! That rumor was started by Carmen Martinez during our senior year to keep me from being elected prom queen!

Before he could respond I ran up the stairs to the bus and the doors closed. I looked back to see him glaring at me.

Aww come on preacher man that was funny! Where's your sense of humor? I know Jesus has a sense of humor after all Pat Roberston is still alive and kicking.

Somehow I doubt he’ll be praying for my salvation tonight.

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Posted by @ 12:59 AM
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