Mia: Shaken Not Stirred


The true life stories of a NYC female.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Hyper sensitive bastards ban Piglet...



The world in general has become an over sensitive place. I saw the writing on the wall of the things to come back in 1989 when hyper-sensitive politically correct bastards invaded my childhood.

Every Christmas season my elementary school would rival Rockerfeller center in it’s display of Christmas decorations. That is until this one year a new Jewish teacher with Christianity issues arrived at the school. I should’ve known he was trouble, the flowers in the school garden started whithering up and dying as he walked by them. The grinch who stole Christmas’s name was Mr. Levi. (patoo, patoo) I spit on the ground at the mere memory of him. Mr. Levi arrived at our school during the height of Christmaspalooza. He took offense at all of the Christmas decorations out in the hallways and in the schools main office. But he didn’t have the pull to do anything about it then. He did however complain to the head of PTA , who happened to be my mom. Mom assured him that our school celebrated all holidays Muslim, Jewish, and Christian because it of the diversity of the school. He complained to the staff about the Christmas trees and angels on their desks, and the other decorations around the office. He was promptly told by the head secretary Leonore to “blow it out your ass.”

The next year when October rolled around signifying the start of the Jewish holidays ,the school per usual was decorated to reflect this. We didn’t hear a peep out of Mr. Levi (patoo, patoo) then. No grumbling came from his lips when we put up decorations to celebrate Rosh Hashanah & Yom Kippur. Menorahs were lit in celebration of Pass Over.

Right after Thanksgiving it was our school’s custom to put up the Christmas decorations. 1989 was different, it was a sad year for us kids. Mr. Levi (patoo, patoo) went to the district office and complained to the school board; which was populated and dominated by hyper sensitive white bread gringo yuppies who went around all day doing finger quotes. They took Mr. Levi’s (patoo, patoo) side and adios went our annual Christmas decorations and Easter decorations in the school hallways on the bulletin boards. The decorations were also banned from the school’s main office as well. The only concession allowed was that each teacher was allowed to decorate the inside of their class rooms as they saw fit. Mr. Levi (patoo, patoo) wasn’t too thrilled about that but he knew when to give in.


As a payback our principal, a former nun ( don’t ever mess with an Irish penguin, even if their ex-penguins) decided that since x’mas decorations were a “no no” because they offended Mr. Levi (patoo, patoo) then Menorah’s and dradles etc were out too out of consideration for the overwhelmingly Christian population in the school. The whole Christmas thing kind of dampened our school morale, we were known as the party school because there was always some type of celebration going on in our multicultural school. I think that my interest in so many different cultures and relgions as well as my acceptance of all of these things was born in that school. We celebrated personal,ethnic and cultural diveristy long before it became part of the public school curriculum. Then something sick and twisted happened. Narrow minded so called uber-liberals whiners like Mr. Levi (patoo, patoo) began having influence over the wanna be politically correct.

These grade school memories were brought back to me thanks to a post by Egyptian Sand Monkey on the banning of pig related items, including cartoon pigs such as Winnie The Pooh's pal Piglet. What type of world is this when people can get Piglet banned from the work place?!!! And I’m not just saying this because my mom happens to call me “Piglet”. Oh my gawd it just hit me my pet name is an offense to someone's Muslim sensibilities out in the UK! So I guess I should keep my butt outta Enland lest I offend cranky ass bastard with too much time on his hands. Go to the mosque and pray dammit! Sometimes I think people just wake up in the “Let me see who I can fluck with today mode”.

A few weeks back I read an article about some dude raising holy hell because Burger King was selling ice cream whose container had a design that kinda sorta resembled the word "Allah" when held sideways and viewed with one eye closed. well excuseeee me Mr. Muslim Dude, don’t hold it sideways! Hold it straight when you're about to open the lid. That way you won't get offended and you get to enjoy a frosty treat as well! Fluck man if I were a Muslim I’d eat that damn ice cream, it’s as near to Holy ice cream as you can get! The design on the lid is akin to a priest sprinking holywater on a cone for a Christian. Nearer to Allah dude nearer to Allah. Hell I wouldn’t care if it was poured into a mold resemebling Jesus Christ’s sandals, I would still eat it. For the love of the Mary and her blessed womb it’s only a peel off lid on a frozen ice cream. So what if it offended him get over it don’t order it or stop going to Burger King. Wendy’s makes better burgers anyway. I’m pretty sure that If I had sued this guy because something of his offended my “Christian sensibilites” I would have been accused of being biased.



See what the world needs to do is take a page out of my mom’s and Aunt Nora’s book. These women have been friends forever and feel perfectly comfortable making politically incorrect jokes about each others culture, and religion. They feel comfortable doing that because in reality they have a lot of respect for each others culture and religion even though they are as different as night and day. They’ve taken the time to learn about each other’s culture and religion down to the food. To illustrate the point right now they are planning a menu for a “Sparab” (Spanish-Arab) Ramadan dinner later on this month.

Here’s a typical exchange between my mom and my aunt….

Aunt Nora had prepared some bsaria for my mom.

Nora: Mags how do you like it?

Mom: Mmmm it’s good, it tastes like sofrito except it’s warm.

Nora: Yeah that’s cause of the cilantro in it.

Mom pauses and picks up a piece of toasted pita bread, it had been left out for awhile so it was hard. Mom breaks it in half to dip into the bsaria and notices the sharp edges on the bread and starts to giggle.

Mom: Damn Nora, this bread is sharp! My god what is it about you Arabs that makes you so damn violent!! Even your food can be used as a weapon!

Nora looks at the bread and runs her finger along the edges.

Nora: Mags times are tough. Do you know how much it costs to make a suicide bomb these days? We gotta cut down on costs.

Mom: Nora but you can slit a person's throat with this bread. Inflict some serious damage!

Nora: The only thing as twisted and violent as an Arab mind is a Puerto Rican mind.

Mom: Oh yes my sister you are so correct. You guys have Al Qeda we have FALN and Los Macheteros. What can I say we come from a violent peoples.

Nora: You are so correct. On the plus side if we don’t kill anyone with the bread we can always serve it at dinner. It’s multi-functional like that.

With that my mom puts the bread to Nora’s throat and says, “ Get them spinach pies outta the oven right now or so help me Allah I will slit the throat of all of your first born children's pets with this piece of killer pita!” Everyone in the kitchen started roaring with laughter.

Nora: My poopsie face we’re going to hell for that one.

Mom: Ahhh so true my pookie face but then again we’ve known that all of our lives.

Nora: Fuck it as long as we’re together I don’t mind being cast into the 7th circle.

Mom: Me neither my little heretic we just better tell the kids to put some sunscreen and bottled water in our coffins you know how easily I sunburn.

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